My day with my sister

Yesterday I went back to Penang for the Aidiladha holidays.

Yun had come to stay overnight the day before so I didn't exactly rush to get ready in the morning. Seeing Yun still sleepy (and sad.. I wonder why the sad bug has bitten most us at this end of the year, huh?), I proceeded to prepare the things I wanted to take home (baju kurung, nighties, undies, day t-shirts, trackbottoms, towel, toiletries, pillow and bolster haha..) before taking my bath.

Then I made some scrambled eggs to fill my empty stomach as I had to take my meds AFTER meals (sheeeshhh! Can't we just eat them whenever we wanna eat them?). My voice was nearly gone by now and I couldn't even find my laugh as only a wheezing sound would come out from my mouth. Made as much noise as possible but Yun was still asleep haha.. So I thought of just letting her sleep (she had wanted to wake up early, tapi kesian la pulak tengok dia ngantuk sangat, tambah lak tengah sedih!) and going out for the papers. However, as I carefully opened the door, she was suddenly awake so I just told her I was going out while she switched on the tv (yeah, we slept in the living room!)

We finally got outta the house around 1pm. I had promised to met her at KBJ but then something came up so she wasn't quite sure if she'd make it. Still, I wanted to go SOMEWHERE so I decided to still go to KBJ and called one of my favourite people, my sister Izati!

She had just arrived that morning from KL and was still quite sleepy but at the sound of my voice asking if she wanted to go out, she was instantly awake.. Trust Izati to do that haha..

However, I was busy with my Neopet and realized I was still at school at 5.30pm. Thank God Yun smsed telling me she'd be going after all and THAT shook me awake so off I went back to Penang. good for me, there was no traffic. However, at the toll gate, I noticed a teenange boy in front of me frantically waving to me. I wasn't wearing my glasses and was quite confused but after taking over them, and letting them take over me, if I'm not mistaken, its one of my new students, Nabil (The 'Nabil pun handsome jugak kan cikgu' one).

I was in quite a jolly festive mood (betoi ka?) and was smiling all the way.

As I arrived in Penang, I went straight to KBJ and was the first to arrived. I managed to change the batteries of my watch, find a little something for Farah whose been quite upset these past few days and looked at some silver bracelets I had planned to buy for Izati. I even went to the mobile phone vendors hahah.. Yun arrived about half an hour later with kak Wahid and before they even stopped laughing at the sound of my voice, Izati arrived.

We spent a good hour in Cosmart before we parted ways. Then me and Izati went to keep the groceries we just bought in my car before proceeding to go the cinema on the top floor to buy tickets for Night at The Museum. Then we went to Kenny Rogers for dinner, carefully avoiding the seat where the light bulb above it once exploded when I had went there with Pojie and Lie a while ago haha.. Izati (and Mira.. yup! She was also there with her mother and sisters) laughed when I kept staring at the new bulb!

I forgot to take my meds for the second time that day. The midday one and the night one but the night one wasn't because I totally forgot, more because I had left it in my car. Then I had to endure a scolding from Izati and Mira (who btw are 9 years and 8 year younger than me respectively!). Sheesshh..

Then nearing 9.45pm, me and Izati said goodbye to Mira when we headed to the cinema. I wasn't really looking forward to the movie as I had an impression it was a lawak bodo kinda story but since Izati wanted to watch it and I really do enjoy Izati's company at the movies (c'mon, she drags me to watch teen flicks with her haha.. but I still love laughing and enjoying any kinda movies with her.. one of my favourite movie people!), I just went into the cinema with her.

Well, to my surprise, the movies wasn't bad. Not bad at all, in fact, it left me in stitches. Even with my wheezing laugh without a sound, I found myself doubling up every 5 minutes or so. I was impressed to see old Bert (from the Mary Poppins movie.. Dick Van Winkle or whatever his name was) still acting convincingly but the whole movie was worth it :) though you had to listen to the dialogue as most of the jokes were in the speech form but I loved the movie, AND I didn't really expect to love it, you see :)

On the way to the parking, me and Izati were still talking about the movie. Then as we went in the car, as usual, Izati would fiddle with my CDs, trying to find the songs she'd like. Then, I did my usual annoying habit of singing along with any song she'd choose but this time, I just made her laugh even more when she listened to me trying my best to sing when my voice refused to cooperate. Before long, I was laughing with her too.. Boy, I feel as if its been so long since I really laughed with someone I enjoy!

When we arrived home, as usual, I'd fight over who gets to sleep right under the fan, and on the couch (we haven't slept in our own rooms for a long time now). Izati had been telling me that she HAD to study once we arrived home as she had wasted time going out with me but me being the usual annoying sister insisted she didn't have to do anything as boring as studying haha.. We must've slept around 3am with Mama shaking her head looking at her hyena daughters (one ok hyena, and another sick one without a voice but trying her best to be the loudest hahah..).

This morning, we woke up and got ready for raya. However, nothing much was done. We only went for raya at Kak Wahid's house and Uncle Mustafa's. Then Mama announced she wanted to go back to Kuala Kangsar eventhough none of our relatives were going back. Izati had her friends there, while I was dreading the prospect of being bored outta my wits so I asked Mama if I could be excused whcih she agreed to, knowing there wouldn't be much to do anyway..

So here I am, cutting my vacation short by a day :)

Still, I enjoy being with my sister.. love her to bits, though she could be quite bossy for a lil' sis who's 9 years younger than me! :)

Perpisahan by Anuar Zain

Hahaha.. Ayu mengaku ade gak lagu melayu (indonesian songs bukan lagu melayu yeee..) yang dia layan! I first heard this song during Ramadhan I think, when they were really into promoting the film 'Cinta'. Well, this song has Anuar Zain written all over it hahah.. but I like it (tau kat Juty, konpem dia kutuk kakak dia jiwang!)! Typical tearful Anuar Zain song hehe..

Anyway, I've been trying to search the lyrics on the net for weeks eversince I first heard it (gara² tiap² ari dengo kat tv le nih) but there doesn't seem to be any listing for it. However, I stumbled upon this blog a few days ago and was pleased to find the lyrics, though I haven't been able to get my hands on the MP3 yet to check the lyrics with the song but I trust its alright.. so, enjoy!

Artist : Anuar Zain

Song : Perpisahan

Album : OST Cinta

Ku mengerti perpisahan ini

Bukan kerana kau membenci

Tapi kasih yang pernah ku beri

Tiada lagi bersama

Sering kala aku terlihatkan mu

Impian nan indah tersulam bahagia

Ku harungi hari demi hari

Bersama wajah tak mungkin akan kembali

Tapi hati masih tak terima

Ditinggalkan sengsara

Keraguan ini bukanlah padamu

Perasaan hati masih rindu

Kekalutan ini hanyalah untukku

Tercari-cari bayanganmu

Tak sanggup aku kehilangan

Kehilanganmu

Oh...oh.....

Yea...yea.....

Masih tercari-cari

Keraguan ini bukanlah padamu

Masih tercari-cari bayanganmu

Tak sanggup aku kehilanganmu

Serendipity pt.2

This is one of my favourite love stories. I just love it, love it, love it heheh.. <--Ayu gatal!

I've talked about this movie in one of my entries last year here, I think but here I am, still not bored in trying to talk about it again. Here's another one.


These days, I seldom go to school at night anymore. So I had just come home from my night tuition and just plonked myself in front of the tube while switching channels trying to find something to watch. Then, feeling a bit frustrated with the non-stop commercials on tv, I went to the kitchen to fix myself a drink when I heard a familiar dialogue. Practically running to the tv set, I was delightly surprised to see Serendipity on tv and instantly smsed a few close friends and juniors like Baizurah, Ami, Juty, Amer, Ramlah and dont-remember-who-else half-demanding them to watch the movie :) Hahah, I sat there, dreamy-like watching the movies while trying my best not to miss any part of it.

Its a story about fate. About how no matter what you do, you can never change your fate and destiny. But since you don't know what it is, it won't really hurt to try anything, right?

In this story, it was about John and Sara who met coincidently (or as fate has written, who knows?) at a store where they were searching for black gloves. both found the same pair of black gloves at the same time but, as they would say, something inside them made them share the glove, with one glove to each other. They found out that they enjoyed each other's company and Jon was sure that there was something between them but Sara wasn't quite sure and decided to leave things in the hands of fate.

The first thing they did was take a random book from a book seller while Sara wrote her name and number on the front page. Then Jon took a dollar bill and wrote his name and number on it and gave it to charity. Sara believed, if they were meant to be together, the book and dollar would somehow end up in their hands one day.

Then, they went to this hotel Astoria or whatever the name was and they made a deal. They'd go into separate lifts and chose ONE floor randomly. If they ended up on the same floor, then it really was their destiny to be together that night. But sometimes, something REALLY was meant for you. Like the right person.. but maybe it just wasn't the right time. Sara and Jon chose the same 23rd floor but whilst Sara had no difficulties arriving at that floor, jon had this annoying boy who came into the lift and pressed nearly ALL buttons, forcing the lift to stop at alomost all floors. By the time he arrived at the 23rd floor, Sara had already given up and had JUST stepped into the lift to go back down, convinced, they weren't meant to be together.

Fast forward to a few years later. Both were engaged and about to marry other people, but somehow they could never forget the mysterious stranger they had met on that magical Christmas night. Eager to try get his second chance, Jon tried his best to find the woman he was convinced as his soul mate but ran outta luck. He had to buy a 400 dollar suit, dig around the basement of a shop to find her address only to have it ruined in the end. The final straw was when her old address bought him to this bridal shop making him feel as if the signs were showing him that he should get married to his fiancee.

As for Sara, she was also always thinking of this mystifying stranger she had met years before so before her marriage, she asked her fiancee for a break with the excuse of wanting some time alone before she got married. All the while, they kept missing each other by fraction of minutes. However, in the end, Sara gave up and wanted to go back to her home as she was already convinved she wasn't in love with her fiancee and had broken up the night before.

But then, fate intervened once more. On the night before his wedding, Jon's fiancee gave him a present which turned out to be the book he had been searching for so long. Then as Sara was just getting ready to go back, she received some loose change which included the dollar bill with Jon's name and number.

She had thought she was late as when she arrived, the hotel worker was already clearing up the wedding area. However, the hotel worker told her that the wedding had been cancelled off.

As for Jon, in wanting to clear his mind of the crzay thing he had done the past few days, he went to this park where he found a lost jacket belonging to, guess who? Haha.. Sara had left it there when she had finally broken up with her fiancee.

Well, as good love stories usually go, they finally met and everything went well again. They even went back to the store that started it all to celebrate the very moment they first met..

*sigh*

I really DO love mushy love stories, huh?

My young chargers

This school holiday, my afternoons and nights are quite busy. Well, not throughout the week, rather in the first half of each week from Mondays to Thursdays. Yeah, believe it or not, there ARE some students out there who still wanna enjoy their holidays by studying haha..

In all, I've got three classes. A Form Five class from Mondays to Thursdays at 5.15pm to 6.45pm, a Form One class on Tuesdays at 8.15pm to 10.00pm and a Form Two class on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8.15pm to 10.00pm.

But God! How I enjoy those classes :)

The Form One class has only 5 students. They are still childishly cheeky enough to be cute, yet still 'afraid' enough of adults to respect me. They love doing maths and are always asking questions where I'd happily answer them. Two of the boys don't have front teeth and are always teased by us. However, they are quite bright, as they always say, "Biaq tak dak gigi, asal pandaaaaaaaaaaaaaiii!"

The Form Two class in a bit different. 15 different students with 15 different personalities. They are at the age where they think they are 'adult' enough and think its cool to bit a bit rude now and then. Duh! Still, there are some student who make it worthwhile. They groan whenever I give them exercises to do, yet still do them cheerfully. Most of them are from selected schools and these are the students who don't give much trouble.

I remember nagging them last week when I gave them a simple test and NOT ONE student obtained 100%. All of them were quiet, seeing their teacher, a usually easy-to-laugh one suddenly scolding them to bits. They were quite behaved for the rest of the class but the next day was quite a different story. Hah! Kids..

Its in this class that I teach Dr Farhan's nephew and I can't imagine what Dr Farhan would think of me if his nephew told him how garang Cikgu Ayu was haha.. But his nephew is one of those I-love-to-learn ones so at least thats the least of my problems as I knew he's not one of those who are at the end of my scolding.

Last but not least is my Form Five class where the students are old enough to understand the meaning of respect yet still young enough to be naive in most things around them. This is my favourite class with also 15 students :)

This is the first time I'm teaching the english syllabus to Form Five so in reality, I study along with them. They laugh when I forget the mathematical 'words' and I find myself laughing alongside them as well. I love this class as it feels like we're more like friends than teacher-students!

The girls are hardworking and always joking around while the boy are.. well, can't really say they're hardworking but they sure laugh a lot. There's one boy in my class who seldom shows up and whenever I ask them who is absent, the boys would always answer, "Alaa.. yang handsome² tu!", while the girl would roll their eyes. Yesterday, another boy, Nabil was also absent along with the 'handsome²' boy so when I asked them, Aiman answered that Nabil also didn't come. Then he pretended to think and then asked me, "Nabil pun hnadsome jugak kan cikgu?". Then went on with the conclusion that handsome guys don't come to extra classes haha..

When I asked them, don't they think they have the looks too, they made a pity-us face and said since they don't, they just HAVE to study hard. Then all boy were laughing as if they made a great joke UNTIL Hana (one of the unidentical twins) shouted, "Sedaq pun hangpa tak handsome nooo.."..

See why I enjoy my classes? :)

I only have one more week with them, after this, it will be back to normal classes. Guess I'm gonna miss these students of mine, huh?

Hurt?

From a random blog I visited a few days ago:
"Why is it that we always hurt the people we love the most?

From an annoying popup (but with something that caught my eye on it)
"Its the people we love most who are capable to hurt us the most"

From Adi's blog:
""there's a beast in everyone's heart... and it hurts even the ones we love without us knowing it (without our permission)"
"

For the past few days, these are the words that have been hovering in my mind. You might ask, am I the one who's hurting someone, or am I the one being hurt? Or, is it both? Hahah.. that is for me to know and for you to guess :p

Well, back on the subject..

The heart is such a fragile thing that God gave to us. It could be a blessing or it could be a curse depending on what your heart is feeling at that certain time. Its funny how one moment, you're extremely happy then the next moment, you feel as if your heart is breaking into a million pieces.

But then again.. it sure hurts!

Sometimes, maybe.. just maybe.. you don't mean to hurt, but the words said just might hurt really bad. It might feel like a slap on the face.. or feel like being shoved in dirt and not knowing how to get up again. And after the hurt, you'd be engulfed in this feeling of disbelief, not really trusting your eyes and ears on what has just been thrown on you. Then you feel ashamed.. and maybe even a bit humiliated on the reality of things when all the while you thought everything was ok..

Then you realize, "God! That really cut me deep.. How could this happen?"

You just don't understand anything at all by then. You try to think of everything. What did I do wrong? What had changed? What did I do that made things change so drastically? Am I really THAT low? Why should I feel hurt anyway?

Then, in wanting to pretend you don't care about the words being said to you, you retaliate by thinking of the most hurtful thing you could say and bam! Thats what comes out of you.. However, there is absolutely no sense of satisfaction in THAT and before long, you wish you could just turn back time and not do something as stupid as that. Take back what you just said. Coz its true what they say, you just hurt yourself by hurting someone else..

You wish you could make everything ok. You wish you could find out what went wrong, then turn back time and make sure you didn't do it so that everything would have never gone wrong in the first place. You wish those words had NEVER been exchanged..

But you know that would not happen :(

Whats done is done. And the saddest thing is, you just can't seem to see the end of it :'( You realize, contrary to what people believe, there is absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel.. or at least, you just can't seem to see it yet..

How can you? Humiliation, hurt, anger and sadness are all bad enough when you feel even one of them, but when you feel all of them at once, its just.. I don't know. I guess no words can describe them enough :(

Like I said, the heart is a fragile thing. Its time like this, I wish I didn't have one..

Hahah.. Ayu merepek di pagi hari. Ni gara² tak siap corrections lagi la nih kot hehe.. Chaiyuk², ari ni gak siapkan corrections! :D

Weddings..

It seems like there are practically NO weekends without weddings in these school holidays. Not that I have anything againsts wedding, but in my broke situation now, sedikit malu laaa nak pi kenduri hehe..

I mean, the first week was Mak Cik Hawa's kenduri. Then the next week was Nanie's and Yana's kenduri. not to mention Ikin's kenduri the following week with Seti's. Then yesterday was Ani's and Pitz's kenduri while today is Suhaila's brother's kenduri..

Anyway, yesterday I went to Aniza's wedding. Her house is just near USM but I've always found excuses not to go to ther home, I dunno why coz eversince we were in form 1, I've been wanting to go to her house. Well, her wedding was a great excuse to go now wasn't it.. though I can't really expect to buka puasa at her house anymore, now that she's married hehe..

I went there with Mama and Adi as we had attended Ikram's graduation in the morning. We'd even eaten at Ikram's place but still went hahah.. makan banyak kali la jawabnye..

Ani looked pretty in purple. She looked what we'd say as 'berseri'.. 'glowing' I think! Her husband looked older (he is older la kan) but seemed quite nice. Good for her, dah jumpe jodoh! I went to salam with her and we were talking in front of the dais as if it wasn't her wedding haha.. Then we went to eat the nasik kenduri.

Before going back, I went to see Ani again to congratulate her once more. She laughed and told my mum that I have never changed since school. I was a bit confused at first until she commented on how my tudung was always smudged. Aiyakkk!!! I realized she was right, aiyooo, sangat malu ooo heheh.. I guess As was right when she made the joke of whose tudung was the most 'colourful' during our school days hehe..

The then today I went to Sungai Petani to attend Suhaila's brother's wedding. I saw her as we ascended down the stairs but she must have not recognized me at first. Well, understandable as I've gained a LOT of weight since I last saw her during our convocation. Then as I went to her ONLY did she start shrieking hahah.. Its good to see old friends, and better still when you've got a lot to talk about. Pity she was busy though, or we might've bought the whole hall down :)

She's still the pretty Suhaila. I really hope one day we'd be able to meet up with our other friends and catch up.. Soraya, Jesreen, Ilah, Muazzah, Suri, Nurul and the whole lot. Ramai sangat nak tulis kat sini hehe..

Anyway, I really enjoyed this weekend though I usally ramble on how I'd like to avoid the school holidays a.k.a wedding season. To all my friends who are getting married.. CONGRATULATIONS eh! :)

This is a picture I 'unearthed' in Ayeen's blog.

*Hehe.. sowi Ayeen, kak Yong curik jap! :) Bukak blog Ayeen aritu, nak gelak plak tengok gambo ni*

There's me right there in blue, with my hair all over the place. Initially my hair was in a nice half-ponytail (don't ask me, I dunno what you really call that kinda ponytail!) but hey, I was 5 at that time so I didn't actually have time to check on the state of my hair every half an hour. I wasn't really ready for the camera though, thats why my face is like that (lousy exucse haha..!). I loved that skirt and sweater though, one of my favourites when we were small.

Behind me is Iwan, a year younger than me, also not ready for the camera, I presume! Iwan always played with his clothes like that, as if it was big for him hehe.. In front of Iwan, wearing an identical sweater as he, is Adi who is a year younger than Iwan. They always wore identical clothes and I only got identical clothes with them for unisex clothes. For example this Lady Bird stripped t-shirt and shorts suit where mine was pink, Iwan's was red and Adi's was grey.

Anyway, beside Adi is Izuddin *ye ke Ayeen? Kak Yong dah tak kenal sangat dah..* (same age as Adi, I think!), Uncle Ali Yeon's son who ran away from MCKK when he was in form one just two days after enrolling hehe.. both boys were playing this Thomas the Choo-choo Train (Wait!! That doesn't sound right..) or whatever the name was. Alaaah, it was a kinda famous cartoon when we were smaller.

And last but not least, the ONLY one cute and ready for the camera is Ayeen :D Notice how glossy her hair is compared to my bird's nest hair haha.. Ayeen is the same age as Adi and when we came back to Malaysia, we used to go to the same primary school, until Uncle Rusli took his family to Sungai Petani.. then we didn't get in touch for a long time.

However, around 2 years ago (ye ke, Ayeen?), I got a suprise when Ayeen added me to her Friendster or something like that.. and I'm glad! Through the net, it seems as if nothing has changed, kan Ayeen? Tapi tatau la klau jumpe nanti cemmane ek hehe..

Ayeen graduated from UTM 2 years ago (?) and is now working in Intel. Still hanging on in there la kot ye, Ayeen? I love reading her blog though she doesn't really update that much now eh, Ayeen! Still, she seems like she's still the same girl I knew dulu.. :)

For Ayeen, your Prison Break CDs ade kat umah la.. Season 1 ade sumer, season 2 lum lengkap lagi. Nanti la when I go back to Penang, kite try jumpe.. ni asyik tak jadi je hehe.. either you balik SP or kak Yong yang tak balik Penang.. btw, how's your Neopet? :D

Lagi satu, I've been listening to the song you sent me around 2 weeks ago everyday now.. Sampai my junior Ramlah kate, klau Christina could talk through the MP3 track, mesti dia marah sebab penat nyanyi haha.. tapi serius la, sedih lagu ni kan.. diorg pun mintak lagu ni :D Rugi USM dah restrict a few sites, klau tak leh cari vc ke from You Tube and embed kat sini kan :)

Anyway, here are the lyrics :) Enjoy..!

Christina Aguilera Hurt

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, oooh

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

Ohh I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, ohh

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Its a small world after all.. the sequel!

I was teaching a form 2 class yesterday and had 3 additions to my students. One of the boys was very fair and quite chubby. Cute, if you ask me!

Then while we were waiting for the other students to finish their excercise I had given, this boy called me.

Boy: Cikgu, saya nak sampaikan pesan seseorang kat cikgu!
Me: Okay.. what is it?
Boy: Ade orang kirim salam kat cikgu..
Me: Huh?
Boy: Dia tanye, ape khabar thesis?
Me: Wha.. whaaaaattt!

I was almost laughing at this stage. WHO was the person?

Boy: Dia kate.. ape ye, kejap saya nak ingat balik..
Me: Ok
Boy: Haaa.. thes..thess..thesis correction dah siap?

Okay, by now, I know, this must be someone from the school but my curiosity got the best of me.

Me: Sape orang tu?
Boy: Name dia Dr Ahmad Farhan.. saya ni anak buah dia!

Tht does it, I was giving out this nervous jumbles of laughter while thinking of my not-touched-yet corrections!

God! How did he know I was teaching tuition anyway!

Guess its true.. I can run, but I can never hide.. especially from my favourite lecturer cum co-supervisor here haha..

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair..

I had been thinking of shaving my head!

Hahah.. Ayu botak?

Most people would say that cutting your hair isn't a big deal. They're right.. I mean, its just hair! but for me, it IS a big deal. And the people closest to me could vouch for it.

Why do I say this?

Abah loves long hair, so I was prevented from cutting my hair since I was small. Even if I wanted to, I'd have to ask for permission and it'll mean 2-3 months of asking before he'd even agree. And even then, it was strictly to a certain length only. To date, I've only cut my hair an average of once in more than two years, so putting aside the time I was bald until I was 2 years old, that'll bring me to only cutting my hair around 10 times in my entire life.

I had always followed these 'rules', silly as it may sound. Especially after an incident if form 3 where I had cut my hair after asking for permission, but it was shorter than Abah allowed. He came home and called me an Anak Derhaka and didn't talk to me for a month! God, was I afraid. I vowed NEVER to do it again!

For this, I've grown used to having long hair. Even when I cut it, I always hope it'll grow back again quickly as I've grown to be uncomfortable with short hair.

However, a turn of events happened when I found out that Abah had gotten married again in 2002. I was frustrated and mad at him for lying to us. Then one day, I found myself marching right up to the hairdresser and asking for a hair cut, though the whole while, I was feeling guilty, knowing Abah won't like it but I was mad and I wanted to do something. It shocked Yun, my friend who knew the rules haha.. but I was left with this surprisingly satisfied feeling! When Abah saw my short hair, for once, he couldn't say anything as he knew, he was in hot soup anyway!

From then on, I thought of cutting my hair as a stress reliever haha..

For example, the next time I cut my tresses was in 2004. I even remember the date, 31st May 2004. Truth is, the day before, I had went to IM's house. Kak Ana had a kenduri then but I promised my friend Dayah to go to hers in Perlis. Besides, I knew IMs parents would be at kak Ana's and in a way, I wanted to avoid them so I went to Perlis.

However, on the way home, mak cik and pak cik called and insisted I go to their house as they had already come back from kak Ana's house. I wanted to decline until pak cik told me he'd be waiting even if I don't go. Feeling guilty for trying to avoid them when they've been so kind, I just went there while trying to maintain a cheery outlook.

God, it hurt to go back to his house. It hurt to hear his parents try to talk about him, while I tried my best to change the topic. It hurt to meet his grandmother again. It hurt to see his room and to see pictures of him around the house. I found myself staring at them, wondering about him. But mostly it hurt because I was going there without him, this time.

Throughout the journey home, I was glad I had As with me and I told her everything. I wanted to cry, but I just couldn't and that night I tossed and turned with all sorts of questions going through my mind.

Then the next day, while brushing my already long hair (my hair grows quite fast really), I just grabbed my veil and hopped on my bike then went to the nearest hairdresser and cut my hair off. I was asked the usual, "Tak sayang ke?" but I just shook my head.. It'll grow again anyway!

And as before, I was filled with this odd sense of satisfaction when the hairdresser finished my cut. Like something I heard recently on the tv when someone asked this person why she cut her long hair. She said, it felt like she was taking so much 'luggage' and that this was one way to lighten it.. I guess, that was what I felt!

Then, as I've been rambling, I've been quite 'disturbed' these past few weeks with a mixture of issues in my head. I've hated myself, I've cried buckets, I've loathed everything and all especially in these past few days.

However, yesterday morning, as if having this deja vu, as I brushed my hair, I thought, "What the heck, better chop it all off!" Seriously, I was thinknig of shaving it all off!

However, rationality came over me but I still wanted to chop these which I hope represented the 'luggage' I was carrying and off I went to cut it. Now I'm sporting a bob just above my shoulders and the cut off hair which I asked for is still in my car, waiting to be buried somewhere. Yeah, most of my friends are surprised, not to mention the girl who cut my hair who kept asking if I was sure I wanted to cut it off.. but I kind'a like it! Makes me look like I'm sixteen though..

However, I'm still waiting for the sense of satisfaction I felt the past two times.. :(

Movies.. again!

These past few days have exhausting for me. There are some things on my mind thats been bothering me so much from a few weeks back that I'm glad whenever there's a distraction.. at least I think of other things then.

Yesterday, I woke up early to go and have a game of tennis ala AyuNDgon. One thing about playing, I laugh a lot and it helps me forget whatevers been keeping me awake at night. However, as I went home, I was overcome with this feeling of tiredness that I just wanted to take a nap.

I had set my alarm at 10, hoping to just jump into the shower for a quick bath then get ready but at 9.30am, kak Maria called and I couldn't sleep a wink after that. Suddenly, one of the things thats been bothering me came up into my mind and I found myself sending an sms to a certain someone regarding it.. somehow, I had hoped it'd clear a few cloudy issues, but I was wrong!

So while sending the sms back and forth, I made a decision to not go to school and go to Megamall to catch a movie or two. It was Wednesday to the tickets were down to RM5. I had wanted to watch Cinta (c'mon, don't tell me I'm the only one who thinks the promo is great!) and had thought of watching Happy Feet too as I hadn't got the chance to watch it yet. Heck! Even if the movies weren't that good, at least I've got a dark and quiet place as a good place for me to cry out the tears thats been threatening me eversince that morning.

So off I was to Megamall while trying my best to stop myself from crying, a hobby I've picked up since a few weeks ago whenever I'm alone. when I arrived, I headed straight to the Cineplex and was thanking my lucky stars that I was able to watch both movies and still could get back in time for my tuition at 5.00pm.

The first movie I watched was Cinta. I went in 3 minutes late but the story had yet to start as they were just showing a narration or something first so I just sat down at my seat and waited for movie to really start.

Lets just say, I must've had a too high expectation of the movie as it wasn't really up to what I thought it was. Still, its the greatest malay movie I've ever seen (and thats to say something about my expectation of the movie, huh? Heheh..)

I loved it! Really loved it.. Fortunately, I went alone, so in the teary bits, I had the luxury of crying without the fear of being laughed at haha.. There were 5 part where nearly all characters were connected to each other as colleagues or college pals or clients and others. Two of the stories were quite normal:

Sh. Amani+Pierre = Simply put by Dgon when I told her about it, it was KL Menjerit all over again (didn't quite watch it but even Ramlah says the same thing) where the girl comes to city to find boyfriend who made her pregnant, then falls in love with stranger who helps her.

Eizlan+Fasha = Rich boy mets 'normal' girl and fall in love. Then they fight, then he finds her and proposes in an LRT or train, I dunno, and they live happily ever after.

Hahah, yeah! I know, its just like the soap operas on tv.. but the other 3 stories were good! I especially loved the old couples (with the famous tagline of, "Isteri bukanlah hakmilik, tapi anugerah!" one where it wasn't only a story of old couples, but also about the love of a grandson towards his grandad. How much the grandson loves his grandad eventhough his grandad always calls him by his fathers name and how heavy his heart was to send his grandad to the old folks home. Then having mak cik Rubiah as someone who appreciates love as she herself had lost it when her husband left her for another woman. I loved it when she told Amir, "Satu hari dengan orang yang kita sayang, lebih baik dari seumoq hidup dengan orang yang kita tak sayang!"

The second best story (to me la at least) was Nanu and whatever-was-the-guys-name tu. They were a pair of misunderstood siblings who really loved each other but kept on each other nerves, fighting and all that. They had fought at mak cik Rubiah's shop and she told the sister, "Kadang² orang yang paaaaaaling kita sayang la orang yang paling susah nak disayangi!" I was touched to see the brother still keeping a piece of paper his sister had given them when they were smaller during a storm, when they hid under the bed as he was afraid. The sister had wrote down something like, she promises to take care of her borther so her brother shouldn't worry about anything. When he shove that paper to his sister in a moment of anger, I noticed to whole cinema get all quiet and all.. or was it just me ah? Heheh.. Even after they fought, the sister would quietly watch her brother on the streets.. made me wonder, am I as good a sister as that? Anyway, the end was quite surprising as I had thought another person was the one who's gonna die. Who you may ask? Pi tengok sendiri laaaaa hehe.. This was the only story with the truly sad ending among the 5.

The last one which is also very good with an estranged husband and wife and their daughter. The wife had found someone else while her husband was busy working and it revolves around how the husband tried to come to terms with the fact and how it affects the daughter. Its one of the stories without a happy moment in it except in the end where Rashidi met Vaneeda (hahah..) with his daughter but I liked the end of his relationship with his wife where he gave her a boxful of letters that ended in a note that said".. because a young girl (his daughter) taught me that love means letting go!"

"Cinta" finished around 1.20pm so I went to pray since Happy Feet starte at 1.45pm. When my mind wasn't on the movie, once again I felt like crying again and even considered on just going back home but I told my mind, even if the story wasn't good, at least I could cry shamelessly in the dark cinema.

However, I didn't get to cry much hahah.. Even when I started thinking, there was suddenly a small humorous moment in the story that before long, I was engrossed in it. I had expected it to bit a bit boring as we could only expect penguins.. even if I had read great reviews about it. Really, it was worth watching it.. even made me search on info about penguins hahah..

There were lots of songs that all generations could relate to, from oldies to funky newbies. you find yourself rooting for Mumble throughout the way. You love the mother, Norma Jean (which by the way is Marilyn Monroes real name), who always believed in Mumble though he was different, and Nemphis, the father who tried to pretend he wasn't proud of his son.

You'd love the way it showed that a small person could certainly change things, given the oppurtunity and I was laughing at the right spot and sad at the sad ones. Hehe, I wouldn't mind watching both movies again.. so that says a lot about the movies!

Anyway, you guys should check these movies out. It'll be worth your ringgit.. really, trust me!

Single Woman's Prayer haha..

Single Woman's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

Who's not afraid to admit when he is wrong.

One who thinks before he speaks.

When he promises to call, he doesn't wait six weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,

Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh send me a man who will make love to my mind.

Know what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?"

One who'll make love till my body's a' itchin'

He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen.

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And never compare me to my best friend.

Thank you in advance and now I'll just wait,

For I know you will send him before it's too late.
Amen

- Author Unknown

Just came back from the office. I wanted to go meet kak Ros and get the thesis status verification form.

Upon arriving at the office, I was greeted with a great smile from kak Ros as she congratulated me on my viva. I found myself smiling back and telling her the details of my viva hehe.. yeah! I still smile when I think of it. However..

Kak Ros suddenly asked me, why do I look so sad?

Huh?

I was SMILING remember!

I just said, I'm happy and NOT sad.. but then she commented that my smile wasn't my usual smile with my eyes smiling too and that my laughter sounded forced. I wanted to deny it at first, when I suddenly felt this lump form in my throat and my eyes starting to get all hot. Truth is, I really wanted to cry then..

Knowing kak Ros would understand, I just said that I didn't have any answer for it and that the questions were making me sad. Luckily, Dr Taksiah came towards us at that time to congratulate me too so I was saved from crying right there.

I dunno.. I just don't understand whats going through my mind right now!

Horocope of the day

The Bottom Line
Your calm demeanor is valuable. Resist the urge to get caught up in any drama.

In Detail
You will be the calm center of the storm today -- while everyone around you will be driven completely by their emotions. Luckily, you know how to stay focused and stay on task. Your cool, calm demeanor is a valuable asset today, so resist the urge to get caught up in the drama unfolding all around you. Keeping an objective viewpoint isn't always easy, but doing so is definitely necessary right now. Remind everyone that taking things personally will only frustrate them.

Waaahh! Calmnyeeeeeee la Ayu sekarang hehe.. I was going through my Friendster page and as usual, I always read the horoscope. Nope, not that I believe in them, but if you notice, most of the time, horoscopes give out safe advices. I mean, somewhat like 'universal' advices about things that happen to EVERYONE and NOT only the people under the particular sign.

Thats why I read them.

Well, I have to admit, sometimes I get carried away with them, especially when they give out specific advices for certain occasions that coincidently is happening but most of the time, I just take the advice. And btw, I DO KNOW its coincidence, I'm a Muslim la..

Sometimes, horoscopes amuse me with their content.. for instance, this one!

..calm demeanor?

..calm centre of the storm?

..you know how to stay focused and stay on the task?

Hahah.. what a laugh!! Tomorrow, at this exact hour, I'd be in the dean's room trying to defend my thesis while trying to make sure I don't pass out as I usually feel whenever I talk in front of an audience.. AND my mind is going in a hundred thousand whirlwinds in my head andI keep thinking of something else OTHER than my viva..

You call that calm and focused??!!!?

Yeah, at least I got a laugh this morning :)

Focus Ayu.. focus!!!

VS

God!!! I just dunno whats happening to me right now..

I guess Toroque was right. I had a very long conversation with him about my life currently. About things that've been bothering me and about what's been on my mind since the last time we talked.. thank God for cousins, eyh!

I also told him about my upcoming viva and my fear of it.. or so I thought. Until he told me the obvious, I'm NOT really focusing on my viva!

I tried to prove that I was until he pointed out about the things we just talked about and I just couldn't defend myself anymore. I can't believe I've got all my priorities mixed up. I mean, upon hearing my viva, I should me more worried of the viva itself than being sad about something totally different, shouldn't I? But thats what I'm doing right now.

I find myself wandering into my own mind about this thing and it makes me sad and upset.. and makes me mad at myself for letting this happen to me again. Like a few days ago, I was chatting with Helmi and suddenly I blurted out to him a small hint of this. It surprised me a bit so I just didn't explain any further when he asked me about it. I don't really wanna think about it yet, but everytime I sit in front of my pc, trying to come up with the slides for my viva, my mind keeps going back to this thingey that keeps upsetting me.. thus, I still haven't completed my slides yet (hopefully today.. I've gotta meet Dr Wan at 2.30 today!)

Its hard, I guess, when your dreamy heart wants something, yet your more rational head knows that its not right. Then you get torn between these two essential parts of your life that you wish your life had come with a manual on how handle this..

Like Toroque said, I'm not really focusing on whats truly important right now. My priorities are in a mess yet I can't help it. Though, there are sometimes I think that I truly feel that maybe, this IS my priority.

However, I know I have to help myself, as there's no one else out there who could do it better than my ownself. I felt a bit guilty when my friends say that they hate seeing me sad, that they've always known me as a sad person (when most people I know say I'm cheery haha..) and that they think its time for me to be happy (Thanks Toroque!). I also feel sad when they tell me how highly they think of me (Thanks Ami pulak!) when I don't see anything worth! But at least I've got my friends.. :)

Just pray for me eh, guys! Hope I find my way outta this (note to my cousin: And if it includes running away, I'd still do it.. cowardly as it seems!)

Viva forever hahah..

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa! *nail biting*

I went out with budak kecik yesterday, in hopes of laughing out loud catching the Flushed Away movie. Then we'd meet up with Helmi and watch The Departed. Well, that was the plan anyway.. to have a great time! But..

As we arrived at Megamall, my phone beeped indicated a received message. Since I was still talking to budak kecik, I didn't really read the message clearly until we got outta the car. It was from abg Fadzil and it said: Hang viva 21hb ni. Good luck hehe..

I instantly called abg Fadzil, half hoping it was a joke since everyone knows I'm complaining about my viva but he confirmed it.

Aiyak! I was just 'complaining' to Dr Meor yesterday about my viva which I haven't heard a word about it and today.. tadaaaaa!

So now, I'm waiting for Dr Wan to discuss about my viva... waaaaaaaaa, why do I sudddenly feel as if I'm not ready for it?

Well, I'll just keep my fingers crossed x(^-^)x

Me and my BIG car

I am mad! Am so mad.. I really wanna run over something! You see, there's this Atos right in front of me, hogging the speed lane. Doesn't the Atos realize, I'm bigger and better than it is?

Huh.. as expected, the driver is a girl, judging from the tudung I can barely see from my view here. And I'm sure she's short too as I can't really see the top of her head from here.. and as you can see, my car is a whole lot bigger than hers. Why doesn't the driver realize that she's just a puny ant when compared to my BIG and BETTER car?

I came upon her right outta the Bertam toll. She must've been mad to go right in front of me while I was speeding. I mean, c'mon, your car can't really speed could it? I was driving at 160km/hr and I had to slow down to 120km/hr when she started to get in front of me.. and she doesn't wanna budge.

That's why I'm mad! I can't even pass her through the other lane as its full with cars..

I know.. I know, I'm gonna tail gate her. Switch on my high beam and drive right behind her. for sure she'd get the message, right????
.
.
.
.
.
Argggghh.. she didn't, she's still in front of me.

Gosh.. do I see her laughing in front of me? Now I'm madly pssed off!!!!

#$%@&* Her puny car is really getting on my nerves. Doesn't she realize my car is bigger than hers and she has to follow MY LAWS where it states: All small cars must be afraid of my car! It doesn't matter than I'm speeding over the limit, I'm big and I can do anything I wanna do!!!

Ooo good, the toll gates right in front of us.. I'll definitely lose her here!

Hey, whats this? For the love of God.. how come she's right in front of me here? No small car should be allowed to use the smart tag. Only BIG cars like mine should be permitted to use them.

Well, since she's been obeying the speed just now, let me overtake her here. Only 90km/hr is allowed here so I can surely overtake her.

But whats this? Can you believe this driver?? She's delibrately not letting me overtake her! She driving her car matching my speed. Hah!!! Your car would be knocked out in no time, you puny whatchamacallit! And to think that of all days, today the other lane is FULL with cars?!

Gotta take over her before the Juru toll gate or I'll be stuck right behind her again. Hmmm, lemme try the high beam trick agai.. see if she's intimidated by me.

%^&*#@ SHE'S NOT!!!!

And what the %$^&! She's right in front of me again in this smart tag lane. I AM SOOOO MAD that I'M FORGETTING I HAVE MY WIFE AND KIDS WITH ME HERE, IN MY CAR!

And just look at that! She's off again, speeding right at the limit and I still can't overtake her! Even my high beam doesn't scare her and tailgating her makes her slow down that I just have to slam my brakes.

Arrrrrggghhhh, I'm sooooooooo MAD!

But hey, look at this! She's signalling to the left. She must wanna exit at Jawi. THANK GOD!!!

And yeah, good riddance of you and your ATOS!

*Haha.. this is an imaginary 'voice-in-my-head' composed by me and Izati while we had this four wheel drive behind us on the highway. I mean, he had his family in the car with him but he was speeding tak ingat dunia. Aparaaaa.. then he kept giving me his high beam and tail gating me. Unlucky for him, I WAS in my reckless mood, eventhough Izati was with me (Hey! I'm only reckless when I'm confident hahaha.. so its not really reckless <--alasan!!!) Well, that'll teach him never to mess with me hahah*

Just like the old days..

Its one of the best days in my life!

Amoi had called the day before raya informing me of he sisters engagement kenduri and she wanted to invite me to go, along with our friends. I had forgotten that she no longer lived on the island so I instantly agreed. Bart wasn't sure on going but I had roped As along to go with me.

Until the morning of the day.

Bart suddenly told me she couldn't go, then Ami also cancelled since she had to take care of her mum who was having a fever. Feeling a bit disheartened, I smsed As and she was also not sure in going. After those sms's, I didn't even feeled bothered to sms the rest. It was then that I realized Amoi now stayed at the main land so I was already feeling even more discouraged to go.

Was getting ready to go back to sleep when I realized something. Some of my friends here have never met each other for 11 years and I guess, this may contribute to the sudden, "Aku segan la nak pi!"

I never really realized how persistent I could until that morning. I was suddenly on an sms frenzy, trying my best to get them all to agree to go 'raya' together. At first, As and Bart were reluctant, as well as Ami but thankfully Baizurah was kinda excited at the prospect of meeting up with old friends so I gotta say here, she got me going!

By noon, I was already ready to dance around the house. My friends had reluctantly agreed (as As and Bart said, "Ayu kacau aku, terpakse la aku setuju!") and I was looking forward to the meeting.. yeay!!! However, due to limited time, I decided not to call on Mak Su as she'd be from Parit Buntar and it'll take nearly an hour for her to come here (Sorry Mak Su.. jangan la majuk, nanti kite plan lain ek :) Before Ami and Bai kawen la)

So after Zohor, I went first to As's house. She wasn't ready yet and I could detect some reluctance in her. She said she felt a bit uncomfortable as she hasn't really met them for a long time (11 years to be exact) but I told her that it'll be just like the old days.. and I knew she was nodding for my sake! Hahah.. she didn't believe a word I was saying.

We talked and gossiped like we were still 13. I loved talking with her after not meeting her for 2 years. Seeing a doctor on her day off is quite different and she looked a bit tired. But she was still her chatty self. After talking with her parents, we were off.. yup! And still chatting non-stop on the way :)

As we neared the jetty (to pick up Bart), I realized As had turned very quite. Hahah.. as if she was nervous on a first date. But as I said, it'll be like picking up right where we left it. They were a bit shy at the 'salam²' part, but once they started talking, I could glimpse the As and Bart of 11 years ago and I felt a big smile growing on my face.

Then we went to Baizurah's house. Never been there, we were quite lost but once we saw Bai coming, we were whooping with joy.. until we realized Pak Deghih was with her. Heheh.. control²! She served us with Penang Pasemboq (betoi ka?) and ape lagi ek? We were already laughing a lot there, gossiping about teachers and our friends in school, with As teasing me asking, "Masa sekolah dulu, tudung sapa paling banyak kaler?". Apa raaa.. pakai dah lawa dah, tapi perangai cam 13 tawun je semua nye.. But I enjoyed every second of it :)

Then, hearing that we were going to Ami's, Bai wanted to go with us. So off we went in my cute Atos (sib baik muat hangpa semua hahah..). Before going to Ami's, As had asked on how was Ami these days as she was the one with the 'biggest' mouth. As was thinking along the lines that Ami had turned into a wanita melayu terakhir that we were all acting out on how Ami would act if she had changed. Then, when we arrived at Ami's house, we were greeted with a sarong and t-shirt clad Ami that just made us laugh out loud.

As's comment after 5 minutes in Ami house was: Same!!!!

Good thing her home was sturdy or we would've turned the house upside down with our chatterings and laughter. Klau kat umah Bai, kene control skit, kat umah Ami, ilang dah keayuan semua orang heheh.. didn't eat much at Ami's, we were more into the 'meal of the soul' after years of catching up to do. I haven't smiled this much for a very long time and I didn't want the day to end.

As with Bai, when Ami heard I wanted to go to Bart's for soto and my favourite begedil, she wanted to follow us. Her mum was ok by then so she got ready to follow us. Hmm.. cramped again in my Atos while we sent Bai back to her house.

We arrived at Bart's house around Isya. She served us with yummy soto and As had to annouce that she was 'ashamed' to be with me as I asked for a lot of other helpings of begedil. Heheh.. mak Bart pun tau her begedil was my favourite :D She also had this moist chocolate cake that was outta this world, reminded us of Isyam and her chocolate cakes that always left us wanting more.

As we were leaving, Bart's brother arrived with her niece.. waaaaaa, chumelnyeeeee!

Outside her home, they were all trading phone numbers while I gloated that I already had everyone's phone number. Kinda sad goodbye for me as I realized that we were nearing the end of our day out.

Sent As home first before sending Ami. On the way to Ami's, talked to Ami about a lot of things, except the thing she asked me (sorry la Ami.. wasn't prepared to talk bout it.. but thanx for asking!). Then on the way home, got a phone call from budak kecik. Good thing I was driving or he'd have to listen to ALL details of my puiting as I was brimming with joy from seeing my friends and knowing that they haven't changed a bit :)

As I arrived home, I noticed a familiar Kancil. Then as I was going in, I hear voice.. A LOT of them, making me be overcome with this sense of deja vu. And to my pleasant surprise, I was greeted wif Mus and siblings (Zaid, Akram, Naemah and apentah name yg kecik tu?) AND Anisa and siblings too (Awatif and Azhar). As I sent down, all of them came around me making me remember the times when they used to come and play here while I acted as the big sister hehe..

Mus is in UiTM studying music. Zaid was still as cheeky as he was when he and Ikram were in the same class. When he realized I was lying about remembering his name, he insisted I say his name out loud as I racked my brain trying to remember. Akram has grown to be quite a handsome lad. Still remember when he was small and wanted to hold my hand while he waited for his turn to 'berkhatan'. As his turn came near, my hand was held even tightly by him while he asked me to talk to him so he'd forget about his coming ordeal. He's still quite shy, didn't even get the chance to talk to him.

Naemah is growing to be quite a beauty, taking after Aunty Zaidah. I remember how she always clung close to me whenever she came here, she was sooo quiet yet loved to talk to us about everything. I laughed when she commented that I've changed the way I talk. She used to think I was proper but now she realized how animated I become whenever I talk. What made me laugh out even louder was when she told me she liked the new noisy me hahah..

Anisa and Awatif are in Kubang Kerian pursuing medic. Anisa is still her quiet self and Awatif has also taken the same trait. But we talked a lot.. and I realized my smile hasn't stopped from noon till then. I enjoyed their company as it reminds me of how we were when we were younger (not that I'm admitting I felt quite ancient haha..) Even Azhar is not a tot anymore!

They went home around 11pm, I think. And once again I felt a pang of sadness but the joy I felt in meeting all of them was even bigger, prompting another big smile on my face. The only 'blemish' in my perfect day was because we had to send Adi to the bus stop nearing midnight as he was going back to KL..

Still.. I wouldn't trade this day for anything in the world :)

A lesson learnt

"Be careful of what you wish for!"

Yeah, I know, most of us have heard this quote once or twice or hundreds of times in our lives. I even have a book with this quote as the title. In a way, its a simple but direct-to-the-point sorta quote.. agreed?

Anyway, why am I suddenly being philosophical (hahah, thats a laugh!!)? Okay, that might be the wrong word here hehe.. But lets cut the crap from being simply relieving to being annoyingly stuck in your bowels (Wowww.. from kunun² philosophical to being sangat tak senonoh.. way to go, Ayu hahah!) *Duh! The pun IS intended!*

I learnt a lesson today. It was staring right in front of my face all the time, but a sudden feeling of being washed away by sorrow suddenly made me realize something.. thus..

"Be careful of what you wish for!"

Okay, I can see Sentot making an impatient face here. Sorry, guess I'm just putting off telling what I had intended to tell when I clicked on the 'create new post' tab. I can't seem to find the right words here.

Last Ramadhan (not that it only happened in Ramadhan, but because I remember clearly how tak khusyuk I was during tarawikh whenever I thought of this), I was half outta my mind. Its been on and on for years now and sometimes, I find myself trying to stop the tears from flowing especially when I'm in public. All sorts of things go through my head.. (as of everyone else.. hey! I'm not shallow enough to think that I'm the ONLY one with problems! Be it family problems, issues of the heart or nearly-hateful-thesis problems).

What I did last year during those wee hours in the morning was to pray for these certain burdens to just go away, from the face of the earth preferably, AND to let me enjoy the next Ramadhan peacefully and.. well, enjoy it la (Frankly, there's supposed to be something else after the 'next Ramadhan peacefully and..' up there but I couldn't bring myself to type it.. yet!). I wanted the next Ramadhan to be different.

Fast forward to a year later.

I've submitted my nearly-hateful thesis, my 'extended' family is doing okay (Yippee! Except for the 'bodoh sombong' being who thinks he/she is better than the rest of us haha.. Still, I hope one day you'd realize your mistake, dear! And stop rattling on lies of your family to whomever would listen <--Ayu being frustrated and a wee bit mad here!) and IM has vanished from the face of the earth (or as I keep convincing myself of haha..). My self confidence hasn't really soared but its doing ok nowadays and, though I once felt it was bad luck to do so, I wanted to shout to the world that I was happy. Indeed I enjoyed my Ramadhan a bit more (except during buka puasa where I eat alone instead of with my exhousemates!).

I would have been happier if I didn't have this little voice nagging at me at the back of my head. Don't ask! But it does have something to do with what I had wished for last year.

Yeah.. like I said, "Be careful of what you wish for!"

Like now, I suddenly realize WHY some things that you think are good for you, might not be the bed of roses you had once thought it would be. And if I view it from another angle, its just as hurtful (or even more) than last year.

God granted this wish for me. And I was happy for a while.. until I realized what kinda web I've tangled myself into.. all for wanting to enjoy my Ramadhan without the burdening thoughts I've been having for the past year. I should've prayed to be a better Muslim this Ramadhan, shouldn't I? :(

It got me thinking.. and it got me sad!

Why? Once again: Why?

I mean, God granted what you wished for, didn't He.. so why don't you feel content?

Answer: My wish wasn't a specific one maybe. He gave me what I thought I had wanted and had asked. And now I'm not better off than where I was last year.. well, maybe a bit better considering the other issues. Guess sometimes, what you want for yourself isn't exactly the best thing for you.

It saddens me.. but its a great eye opener for me. With the most important lesson of "Being thankful of what I already have and have faith that everything happens for a reason"

Still, this web I'm tangled in doesn't seem to wanna lossen up and free me just yet. Well, maybe its staying as reminder for me for the lesson I learnt this Ramadhan.

*Told ya I couldn't find the right words to voice it out.. I can't even understand what I've just written hehe..*

Why?

..simply because no one ever asked me to stay!!!

:(

:(

:'(

What's been hovering in my mind..

I've been wanting to write down a happier entry for days, what with the Ramadhan and all but somehow, I've been 'busy' enough to neglect both active blogs. By busy, I mean to say (as most postgraduates here know) that I've been spending my time watching this TV series, courtesy of Pojie (who else haha..), on my pc from last week up till now, though I think its gonna last till the next couple of weeks since I've not even looked at ANY episodes form Season 1 or Season 3 (Yup, starting at season 2 here)

But then, again, I'm not really fooling myself to think that I'm totally distracted from two things that are currently dominating my mind. The question of my viva has certainly left me quite disturbed, especially when I know that even Erwan is going to be up for his viva next week. Sheeeesh, I sent it earlier (one hour la tapi) than him but why does he get to do his viva first?

And the next thing is.. well.. err.. let that be a secret within me.. okay la, maybe 2 of my friends know la about it (yeah Sentot, one of them is you, the other is Bart!) but still, it keeps me awake at night and accompanies me and stops any other train of thought whenever my mind starts going into the idle mode.

Truth is, I'm frustrated!

Really frustrated.. and sad.. and upset.. and pathetic (understatement of the year hahah..)

I dunno, I guess I'm just human. Sometimes I try to pretend that I'm this solid being who won't be hurt by other people and mostly would never be hurt by my own actions/thoughts.. but then, the truth just has the tendency to prevail, no matter what!

Sometimes I wish we were more like computers. We could simply save the thoughts and memories we want, and delete the ones we don't want.. but we were not made that way. Thats why we take each day one step at a time, and try to do our best in everything thing.

I'm still upset :(

At times, I wish for things to be different. I wish for things to go my way. I wish I wasn't so frustrated with myself. I wish I didn't think about thing that are clearly stupid thoughts. But thats what we do.. keep wishing and wishing hahah..

I dunno! I hate feeling this way, pondering on thoughts that I should really abandon. Feeling sad yet happy at the same time *don't ask!*

I wish I knew things that I really need and wanna know right now! <-- there I go again! Another 'I wish' thought..

*blur*

When the phone rings..

Once upon a time ago, I learnt how it felt to badly want to talk to someone at 2-3am in the morning. Sometimes, its because you can't sleep, sometimes its because you just want a shoulder to cry on, sometimes its because you miss someone..

I remember browsing through some blogs and coming upon this entry that asked, "Have you ever laid awake at night, insomnic, and wanting badly to talk to someone who'd listen? You'd scroll down ALL the names in your phonebook, hoping to find a name and number you could call at 3 in the morning?" And hey, that is somehow, the story of my life!

Still, I was lucky! I had friends and family (Thank you, Adi!) who didn't mind the late-night/early-morning calls. Even when I kept crying throughout the phone call, they'd still be there.. listening.. consoling.. just being there!

Thats why I made a promise to myself, to be THAT kinda friend to my other friends.. and I'm glad that I never complain whenever my phone rings at 3am, just because a friend wants to talk. I'm surprised that I don't really mind being woken up in the middle of the night. (In fact, in one case, I was glad I could listen to a friend. He had pretended to call me just to bug me, then when I asked him 'why', he almost broke down and told me his story that gave him sleepless nights. The next morning, it made my day when he sent an sms and thanked me as well as told me that it was the first time he got to sleep peacefully for a long time.. see, I understand now that by merely listening, you could change a whole lot of things for the better.. just like what my friends and brother have been doing for me when I really needed it!). I KNOW how it feels and I wanna be there for them too.. and I've kept my promise until about two days ago!

Its not that I was so tired or anything. I've been dead to the world in the middle of the night and woken up numoerous times, but I still find it easy to answer the phone cheerfully. But this certain someone is really getting on my nerves and I couldn't help snapping at him when he called me.

Lets just say, he's a pervert in the making!!!

Now I guess you guy would understand WHY I hate it when that boy calls. And yes! I'm calling him a BOY coz he's only 18 or something. Kecik² lagi dah belajaq jadi maniac camtu.. C'mon! Just who do you think you are to talk to me like that!!!!

Aaarrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhh!

It didn't help that he had changed his number, so when I first got the phone call from the unknown number, I just answered it.. cheerfully, mind you! Until I heard his voice asking those crazy question, and talking that way that'd make you wanna throw acid in his face (Huiiissshhh, biaq betoi Ayu ni?)

He's really pissing me off now, and though I'm not answering his calls (by the new number), it still affects my mood whenever he tries to call! And I just wanna scream when I see his name on the caller id..

So friends, know any 'serial killers' who might come in handy?

Me and my students.. :)

I have always been a bit 'allegic' to the usage of calculators among lower secondary students. It doesn't help that my classes this year are all from the lower secondary (3 form 1 classes, 2 form 2 classes and 1 form 3 class) and the fact that they’re using SCIENTIFIC CALCULATORS!! Duh.. I only got the chance to use a scientific calculator during matrics.

As a rule, in my class, I ban the usage of calculators haha.. I don’t think I’m being cruel or unfair as I have sufficient evidence to prove that their syllabus isn’t much more harder than us, in fact, it seems a tad easier if you ask me.. but who am I? Just a disgruntled teacher who envies the facilities given to students nowadays maybe?

Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh! I’m not haha.. its just that I hate the fact that the students depend on their calculator more than they depend on the power of their own brain. They even think they have to tap on their calculator for a simple question like 9x7.

Well, anyway, the students who’ve been in my class for the past 4 years ALL know of my rule and I’m glad they follow it as they themselves admit that they don’t really need the calculator that much (after being forced to live without a calculator for 2-3 hours each week with me la tu hehe..). Still, when it comes to tests, they always beg to use the calculator.. a case of no confidence without the calculator, I guess!

Yesterday, I gave my form 3 students a set of past year questions (actually it was from PMR 1995, my OWN year of taking the PMR). I had wanted to give more recent sets but from my experience in school, classroom teachers have usually drilled the students on these papers in school so I had to choose another year. However, Syawal (one of my oldest students, taught him since he was form 1), noticed the year and promptly announced that it was the PMR of ‘kak Ayu’. Feeling a bit ancient when he announced my age (haha..), I quickly told the class, if I could get an A for an 11 year old exam, it shouldn’t be a problem to them, what with the usage of calculators and all.

Then Azri, another student, feeling cheeky, asked why would I give questions from an uncivilized time. Cettttttt! So I challenged him to finish answering the ‘uncivilized questions’ in 45 minutes after he laughed when I told him I answered them in 45 minutes (“Soklan tak bertamadun memang la senang, sebab tu bleh jawab dalam masa 45 minit, kak Ayu”). Hmm.. we’ll see!

So I started timing them while reminding them that Azri had 15 minutes less than the others (I was hoping they’d finish the 1 hour-15 minute test in an hour). Was a bit bored waiting for them to finish it, even though I had walked around checking on them, dropping hints now and then, discreetly correcting them (they’ve got this ego where they hate it when I know they’re wrong haha..) while composing an sms for a friend who wanted to go ‘jogging’ at 6 haha.. (only the person involves would understand.. kan?!?)

As I was reminding them that they’ve got 27 minutes left, aside from Azri whom I pointed out had only 12 minutes left, I was impressed when Azri informed me that he only had 4 questions to go. However, I was laughing when the next minute he suddenly voiced out his surprise that there were 50 questions instead of their usual 40 question.

Truth is, I didn’t realize that too if he didn’t point it out but Azri’s troubled face was turned into an ‘o-oh’ face when he noticed the smirk on my face. Hahah.. he knew what I was up to!

I quickly said out loudly about how uncivilized we were to answer 50 question in the same time they had to answer only 40 question. My exact (translated) words were,”Not only were WE, the uncivilized ones, were not permitted to use a calculator, we also had to answer 50 questions?!? Poor us.. no wonder we’re all good at maths”

The boys started changing looks while surrendering to my ‘gotcha’ demeanor! They were a bit quiet, except for a few remarks from Shafik, who didn’t want to admit that they’d got it easy. The class might’ve been a bit quiet until Afifah asked me about the formula for the volume of a sphere and from the corner of my eye, I saw Azri’s mouth forming an ‘o’ before he closed his ears with his small (Yes! He’s small!) hands trying his best to ignore the remarks I’ve always said to him before that he knew were about to come out from my mouth.

(Translated!) “You guys should memorize the formulae and not depend on the ones that would be given to you (as my batch can remember, we HAD to memorize it, didn’t we haha..) WE had to memorize it all. If you don’t try memorizing it now, I don’t know what would happen when you’re 26 (which most of them know, is MY age). So, in our uncivilized time, we not only had to answer 50 questions, we also had to do it ourselves without the help of calculators AND had to memorize the all mathematical formulae. Ohh, poor, poor us” while making the most sympethetic-to-self face I could ever make.

Then I swaggered to the whiteboard while writing down all formulae they asked, with this smirk that I purposely exaggerated, just to piss them off hahah.. and what a good time I had! I couldn't help teasing them while repeating my earlier remarks and my usually cheeky class were having troubles trying to answer back to me, much to my delight!

Pity them, they had to endure my ‘berlagak’ness until the end of the class.

And yippee to me to enjoy this class more than ever hahah..

Best I Ever Had

"Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)"

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now

[Chorus]
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had

So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely

Send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

[Chorus]
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted

[Chorus]
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
The best I ever

Another version can be seen in my Yahoo blog.

Dr Aslina

Whats a picture of a doctor doing in my blog, huh?

Truth is, yesterday, me and an old buddy were smsing each other and I haven't been in touch with her for a very long time now. But today, I think I wanna write an entry about her.

Her name is Noraslina Ab Samat.. but all of us call her As. I first got to know her in form 1 when we were in the same class. A whole bunch of us became close friends in the hostel with Mak Su, Eda, Bart, Watie, Ani, Fizah, Shareena (These were the 'bestest' friends you can have during prep. My most memorable thought is how they knew how to trick me into studying. I was silently protesting to Abah at that time -only my friends knew why- and refused to study as much as I should. During prep, you can usually find me reading a novel or story book after I finish my homework. However, these friends, especially Ani, As and Fizah ALWAYS asked me to teach them maths in front of the class. They'd disturb me and hide my book until I agreed to teach them and they always told me I was good in teaching maths hahah.. come to think of it, I'm glad they 'forced' me to study in their own way though at that time I was confused on WHY they kept asking ME to teach them haha.. thanx a million, guys!)

Anyway, we always ate together. We'd have breakfast together and speculate on what would be served for lunch and dinner. The most favourite expression is 'ayam sekor' which is really a fried egg (dinner almost 'wajib' every night.. ampeh!)!

In form 4, she went to MRSM Taiping but we were still in contact during the school holidays, only it wasn't as frequent as we would have liked, I guess. However, during matriks, I met her again. We were in the same lecture group, though different tutorial groups. I was glad to have a familiar face around. Still, a year later, we were separated when she went to the medical campus in Kubang Kerian and I went to the engineering campus in Tronoh.

During our studies, we were in and out of touch.. but we always picked up where we left. Thats what I like about her.. but there's also another thing that makes me appreciate her but i'm not telling here, only those who know my Yahoo! blog might know a bit about what I'm talking. Lets just say, she doesn't judge people by their family, and she forgives them easily.

So there we were yesterday. She had sent the usual forwarded sms saying that she was thinking of me and I was feeling a bit nostalgic yesterday so I replied her sms, asking about her. She's a medical officer (MO) now but she complains that her work hasn't gone less haha.. We had thought that once you become an MO, you could sorta 'goyang kaki' when compared to the interns for housemanship but it turns out, you're still busy. She even commented, "Aku kalau ada keja lain, nak ja aku mintak haha.." But the both of us know, she loves being a doctor and she doesn't really mind her job. Yeah, though she tried to explain that she was joking, she didn't really have to coz the As I knew from form 1 was the As who really wanted to be a doctor.

Somehow, our sms conversation turned towards our future. She surprised me when she said, she wanted to pursue her masters degree to become a specialist. I mean, being a medical doctor, even the degree process is such a 'torturing process' and yet, here she is, still wanting to study AGAIN! When I asked, what she wanted to specialyze in, she conmfidently (as usual) replied she wanted to be a physician (and I had thought a physician was another name for ALL doctors) and subspecialize in nephrology <--a word I just learnt yesterday hahah.. berlagak jugak nak guna sebab baru belajo :p).

I was dumbstruck for a while.

She knew what she wanted for her future.

What about me???

When I told her about it, she just laughed. She has always known what she wanted, that was why she could go very far. As for me, I, in other words, go with the flow. I don't even know what to do after my viva here.. and sometimes, when I really sit and think about it, I admit, I'm afraid :(

As is so different from me. She's always been strong and has numerous times stood up for me whenever I'm too coward to stand up for myself. She has always believed in me when I don't believe in myself, and has always reminded me about my strengths (which I always think as:nil!). Sometimes I wonder, why would she wanna be my friend anyway?

But thats just her.

And yeah, she still likes to pinch my cheeks whenever I see her haha.. It doesn't help that I'm now nearly 10kg heavier than the last time she saw me during her convo :p

Talking to her always makes me think of my future (not in a negative way la.. but for me, I'm always tiringly negative anyway) and she always makes it sound like a bright rainbowy future.

Well, As.. I really hope it is!

What Hurts The Most - Rascal Flatts

Truth is, I've pasted this v/c in my Yahoo! blog but since its kinda growing on me, I thought I'd paste it here too.. makes you wonder of WHEN it would be too late, huh? Btw, this is a different v/c, the one in my Yahoo blog is the original one while this is an edited version with Clark and Lana :)

What Hurts the Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

Konvo 2006

On the 19th of August 2006 was the convocation for another bwudder of mine --> Juty!! Heheh..

Truth is, it had started on Wednesday itself (16th, if i'm not mistaken) with Yun graduating. It was kinda bitter sweet for me.. Sweet coz Yun finally graduated after 4 years (which she constantly reminds our juniors NOT to follow her footsteps hehe..) but bitter for me coz I WASN'T GRADUATING TOO!!!

Anyway, I DID go for Yun! She's my oldest friend here and I'm glad for her. She was all smiles and happy to finally officially leaving this place.. I was happy for her, but a bit sad knowing she won't be around anymore (waaaa.. ade tande² nak nangis ni.. stop²!)

Well, enough about the a-bit-sad-stuff!

Juty smsed me on Friday asking if I was going. I lied and said I didn't have the time to go (eventhough I had already bought his graduation gift). However, he sounded a tiny bit hurt so when I probed him further, I found out that his parents couldn't come. Alahaiiiiii, ciannye adikku yang seorang ini.. So I quickly told him I wouldn't miss it for the world, and gave my word that I'd go.

The next morning saw PFK cramped with 5 girls. Me, Dgon, Wamlah, Fawah and Huda (Kamal's sister) with Dgon and Wamlah taking pictures along the way. Luckily, parking the car wasn't a problem (though I DIDN'T really park at an actual parking space, thus the 'saman' from Alem hehe). After parking, we went to the flower stalls to find out what the prices were before heading to the flower stalls OUTSIDE USM, knowing that we might find cheaper ones.

Turned out, we were right (as usual.. everybody knows the outside ones are cheaper AND fresher AND lovelier) Met Mozac, Alem and Helmi there before being joined by Pojie and Lan and I went on and on about my frustration in not being able to graduate. Had a padan muke moment when Mozac commented, "Alaaaaa.. dah biase dah dengar kak Ayu cakap canni tiap² tahun, Dgon lain, baru first time cakap canni!", when I scolded him for wanting to ONLY buy bunge kesian for Dgon. Ampeh Mozac!!!

However, I DID get a bunge kesian from Wamlah to the 'horror' of the others haha.. A beautiful Lily.. cantiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikkk! Thanx Wamlah. You can view our pictures here. Puas hati ooo hahahaha.. <--Ayu sangat teruk!

Then we went for brunch (none of us had eaten yet!) of nasik ayam and halfway through, we realized the graduates had already exited the hall.

The first person I met was Fadzli and had a chance to take a picture with him (tak dapat tunaikan janji grad same².. uwaaaaa!!). Then we found Sha and heaped all our presents and flowers on her. I was glad to see her so happy as she was quite down last year when she couldn't graduate with her friends.

I finally got a chance to meet JUTY!!! He was standing alone waiting for us that I felt so.. so.. so ape ek? Hahah.. but he was happy.. naturally lah! We were later joined by the others and as usual, pictures were taken. I didn't recognize some of their friends but we all had one thing in common --> smiles of joy for the graduates!

Tried to wear Juty's robe which literally swept the floor. Alamak! Rugi tak amik gambo pakai jubah Juty yang labuh tu.. :) The picture above is of two graduates, my bwudder Juty and Lopong (yang baru dikenali ari tu.. comel pe hehe!)
P/S Sile abaikan kedudukan kaki setiap orang di dalam gambar tersebut ye.. :)

Anyway, I had to go home early as I had a class. All in all, it was a fun day for all of us.. Happy just to see other people happy.. and for Juty, Congrats dari akak ye!

School Holiday Syndrome

Haha.. Baizurah sent me an sms yesterday, claiming my blog was in such a state of 'habukness'! Aiyak mak cik, takde idea maaaa..

Anyway, as I was trying to force my brain to come up with something to write about, I suddenly remembered a question raised to me a few weeks ago.

"Ayu, ape makne sindrom cuti sekolah tu?"

Which was followed by another question a few days ago.

"Kak Ayu ni suke kate sindrom cuti sekolah.. ape tu?"

Hehe.. boleh la jadik satu entry, kaaan?!?

Lets see..

Time when this syndrom attacks
As the name suggests, it only occurs during the school holidays, but can also start within two weeks before the holidays and end after two weeks after the holidays. But sometimes it prolongs into months that it'll only stop once the syndrom becomes a battlefield between you and the other person involved! It doesn't have a specific period of the day (morning, afternoon bla.. bla..) but it is sometimes most severe during night time and in the afternoon (when there is a kenduri going on!)

Who it attacks
Mostly people who are single or are unmarried. But sometimes it happens to married people and will end up with comments such as, "I was dreaming of you last night" or "I dunno why I can't forget you!". Duhhhhhhhh.. maybe you don't try hard enough, la mangkuk! Or maybe you're just being a pervert (hambik ngkau!)

Symptoms
You get delusional, thinking you're 'in love' with someone, when in reality, you're just feeling this way coz you're watching all your friends getting hitched. Then you start acting outta character like talking all nonsense and spinning so many fairytales, you don't remember the original version you had created. And no matter how hard you get knocked in the head, you won't really return to you normal state yet! Then you tell your mutual friends unbelievable stories which btw, they sometime BELIEVE, thus making other person involved try to avoid these friends, just in case they think she/he needs a brainwash.. as if!!!
As for the married ones, you start calling/smsing a kunun² old flame and annoy them to their wits with your 'sad stories' and 'sad dreams'. C'mon la, you don't think they'd fall for that, right? Like Baizurah once commented, "Kadang² orang yang dah kawen yang lagi galak nak meng*****!"

Remedies
There are still unknown remedies to this situation. A whack on the head maybe?

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Hahah.. Ayu merepek ape ni? Nothing.. nothing! Saje nak isi blog for Sentot's satisfaction :-p

Lgpun I'm still in my 'Pissed-off' mood kot hahah..