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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I'll be fine!

I'll be fine..

I'll be fine..

I'll be fine!

Yesterday was a good day for me. I didn't feel like crying and I was enjoying my noisy class that night (as opposed to asyik nak kene jerit je hehe..). I was even feeling very calm before I went to sleep though just that morning I was nearly into tears when Yati called to ask how I was doing. Seems like my nearly-long-lost friends have heard of the news.. but I'm glad to have 'em all. Last Friday, I might've complained when people said, "Sabar la, Ayu ye!" but right now, I don't mind anymore, in fact, I'm glad to realize that so many people care :-)

Even this morning, instead of waking up to the question of, "Why?!?", I was sudenly worrying about my 'budak kecik' brother who seems to be a bit tense these past few days. Jenuh korek tapi dia senyap je.. cume bleh try teke skit² je la.. Tu pun, dia iye kan pun tak, tidak kan pun tak.. Alahai, cukup le akak sorang je sedih.. there's not enough sadness to pass around here heheh.. It was after getting ready that I was finally hit with the realization that the 'why' question did not automatically pop into my head this morning..

Arriving at school, I had put the title of this blog as my status at YM before going out to breakfast. Then, during breakfast, I received an sms from an unknown number saying, "Morning Ayu.. Hope ur gonna be as fine as u stated there.. have a nice day ya! :-)" Turned out it was Cik Wa's new number. Terharu lak pagi² ni, cik Wa.. but thanx! Miss you.. muaahhhhhssss!

Then, after breakfast, I came back to my cube greeted with an IM (NOT Invisible Man --> I'm hating THAT!) from Ina asking how I was.. Ya Allah, tetibe rase nak nangis! Ina, I wish you were here. Suddenly I just wanted to make sure that no one's abandoned me. Then Mak Su also asked about me and once again I just wanted my friends here.

A little while later, got another IM (aarrggghhh.. I hate that pun) from kak Shima.. a shove-it-in-you-face type of Instant Message (I hate the initials of it!) as a reply to my status, "yup sure u'll be fine... just let him go...... remember he easily let u go before.... be fair to yourself". The arrival of Ramadhan in the room was the only reason I didn't break down, tapi dalam hati, Tuhan je yang tahu.

But then, I laugh when I realize how much attention I've been giving to my Yahoo! 360 blog. If before this, I only used it as a backup for entries in THIS blog, nowadays, I update nearly everyday. The same goes for my hidden blog (its HIDDEN la, so I won't give out the address anyway, sape yang tahu tu je yang tahu..). These kinda situations bring out the 'writer' in me hahah..

Current emotion situation: Roller coaster type
Current feelings: None
Current anger level: Nope, can't seem to find it YET.. but it will come haha.. I know it will!
Current question in head: Why?
Current mantra: I'll be fine.. I'll be fine.. I'll be fine..

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

..still in shambles!

Yesterday was quite ok!

QUITE ok!

Had Toroque calling me with the 'laughter through my tears' episode, then had Sid doing the same thing, only there wasn't any laughter involved.. but still, I felt another wave of relief. Thanx Sid! Well, Sid was the one who made me realized one mistake I did in this, and she knew a LOT about it, though I didn't expect she would.. but still, I'm grateful!

After sitting in front of the computer, while once again going through the mails, I made up my mind to go around the room to go find some laughs. I'm starting to (again!) hate being alone and I was glad that I could still find laughter in this room.

The in the afternoon, when going out with kak Chah (I can hear Pojie laughing! Ye la.. ye la.. ngaku laaa), I heard numerous songs on the radio that just made me wanna shut the radio off.. but if I do, it'll be too quiet, and I KNOW that that could be worse..

Hehe, btw, while going to tuition, I heard this song by Neo on the radio. Owwww, c'mon, I'm not asking anyone to hear it, just read the lyrics here. It got me smiling for a while. Especially the chorus hahaha..

So sick

Mmmm mmm yeah
Do do do do do do do-doOhh
Yeah
Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cuz right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cuz you walked out the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore
(it's ridiculous)
It's been months
And for some reason I just
(can't get over us)
And I'm stronger then this
(enough is enough)
No more walkin round
With my head down
I'm so over being blue
Cryin over you

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing
you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs
so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

Gotta fix that calender I have
That's marked July 15th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be

That's the reason I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone
(Stupid love songs)
Dont make me think about his her smile
Or having my first child
I'm letting go
Turning off the radio
Cuz I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)

Haha.. talk about reality! Well, last night, Yokies called but it was cut off by my ancient phone's antique battery so we had an sms session instead.

Sorry, phone tak dak battery la.. Heheh, tau la kan phone saya ni cammana..

Tukaq la phone tu.. Tak pa, aku cuma nak tau, hang ok ka?

Ntah..

Aku boleh gak la nak paham apa hang rasa.. hang ingat kan aku dulu macammana, masa aku putus cinta dulu? <--mana tak ingat!

Ingat..

Agak², antara aku ngan hang, aku yang teruk ka, hang yang teruk?

Ntah..

Yeah, I know, Yun would tell me that I'm wasting my 5 cent worth of sms if I only answer in ONE monosyllabus word, but I didn't really know what to say. I wanted to talk to him about it but then, maybe I don't feel as if I can talk to him about this yet.. sorry ye, Yokies!

Went back home feeling a bit not-quite-back-to-earth but if the last few nights, I've slept like a baby (almost), last night, I kept thinking. I thought I was exhausted enough to go straight to slumberland, but I couldn't. Then I got up, (nyeeehh, not to get my Pandora's Box.. but close la) and took my graduation album.. just looking and wondering. But my mind saved me again when it made me think of what would happen if those tears could really seep through the plastic protecting those pictures, and ruin them hahaha.. score one for my over-thinking mind!

Got outta bed this morning, without the feeling of having to drag myself outta it. In fact, I was glad it was rise and shine time. So here I am, in front of this pc, trying to repeat a mantra to myself that I'm better now..

I'm better..

I'm better now..

I'm really better..

Gosh! Who am I kidding?

Monday, May 29, 2006

For the 'bestest' cousin ever!

Current entries in my blog could explain the state of my mind nowadays. I'm like this time-bomb, but there's no telling when I'd go off. If I could plot a graph of my emotions these past few days, I'd get this crazy graph I could never explain. I wish I could say there's anger involved, but for the time being, I can't find it. And somehow, I think it would be more therapeutic if I was angry (hahah.. alasan nak ngamuk lah tu..).

However, through it all, once again I'm reminded of the value of a special friend. Yup, I wrote about him once here, and I'm gonna write about him again. He's the one I've always called my best cousin ever.

When everyone was telling me to stop crying and just forget it (macam la bleh lupe with the snap of my fingers je..), he was the only one who called me, and asked me to cry it all off. I remember not knowing who to talk to about 'the news' and I smsed a few friends who 'knew'. All of them were like, "There's no use crying!", I mean, I KNOW that la, for God's sake.

But what did he do? Right after Jumaat prayers, he called me, knowing how I had felt all these years, and just asked me to cry. It was so relieving to finally hear someone tell me that it's ok to cry. And just like he had done before, he just listened to the big cry baby me, sobbing uncontrollably and so unashamedly (though I DO feel ashamed NOW!) venting out all those bottled up frustrations I've harboured for years.

A couple of hours later, he checked on me, only to find out I was still 'sinking' so he gave his trademark telling-me-off-without-being-obvious. So, out of shame to myself and to him, I finally stopped.. for a while la. I asked Fared to replace me for my class that afternoon and went back home to finally sleep it off.

I woke up with swollen eyes and quickly went to bathe, just in case Elie, my housemate, noticed anything. Then I headed off to school.. but once at school, everything came back to me in a rush that before long, I was back in despair. But it helped a bit when Quazzi and Sabir separately came to talk with me. Until then, I didn't realize I'd been creating quite a stir in that room..

That night, Toroque suprised me when he told me he was dropping by (otw to go back to Penang). I didn't really want to interrupt his journey but I was thankful that he wanted to come by. We went for drinks at a nearby 'warung' and exchanged stories (him telling me about his kids and kak Azu, while me trying-my-best-not-to-talk-about-IM-but-failing-miserably with my masters tale). I was suprised that I could control my tears out there as at first I was afraid that I won't be able to. It was a relief to be able to talk to someone about this and I was glad that he stopped by.

When I went back to school, I also talked with Syafiq and thankfully, he also told me, "Kak Yong, nangis la puas².. jangan tahan²!" Tq Syafiq!

The next morning (suprisingly, it wasn't a sleepless night for me), I woke up to messages from well meaning friends and a missed call from Toroque. God, I felt guilty for making him worried when he was busy with his own family, but that's just him.. what I call 'my shoulder to cry on'! And dia sangat nasib tak baik coz he got a cousin like me haha..

Throughout the weekend, he checked on me, knowing how crybaby-prone I am. Even yesterday when I went for my movie marathon with Pojie, Manje and Fawed, he smsed and kept checking. Even tried to cheer me up with McD (and though everyone knows McD is my staple food, I don't remember telling my 'cousins' about it!). Still, some of those messages that hit the spot just made me wanna cry more, especially when he reminded me that they care for me (Yeah, I WAS feeling as if no one cared!).. made me ashamed to think that I was annoyed with the people who told me to 'forget it!'. But, I almost laughed out loud when he told me to go do my usual 'book therapy' at the nearby Popular.

Then, this morning, just as I was feeling nostalgic and teary, he called again. But this time, he wanted to ask me to do a favour for him. Me, wanting to do ANYTHING just to take my mind off 'things' asked him what the favour was, as I told him, I'd do it if I could manage (heck, THEY always help me, so whats a little help from me now and then?).

Turned out, he just wanted me to smile -->Well, THAT brought down the tears that were already starting to fall anyway, but through it, I found myself laughing!

Felt a bit better by then..

I know, maybe I'm not fair to those who told me to just forget it but sometimes, not only laughter but crying is also the best medicine. What I need right now is just for them to understand I need to cry (but if melarat sampai berminggu², sile lah knock some sense in me, sangat dialu-alukan!) and maybe, I'll need someone I can talk to. Please don't tell me to forget, because you also know, if you're in my place, you won't forget too, right?

Or am I the only oxymoron in this world who holds on to what had meant so much to me?

And for my best cousin, whom I never know if he reads this anyway: Like I said yesterday, thank you for always letting me be myself whenever I need to. You're the best! Some people run away at the sight of my tears (I must look horrible eh, rase cam terdengar² je diorang cakap,"Run for your lives!!!!"). Some DO try to be of some help, but from a safe distance (that sometimes makes me feel as if I'm bringing a plague or something! But still, I appreaciate them too.. kang ingat tak bersyukur plak hehe.. no lah, I'm still thankful for them!). But you are one of the few who knows I want a shoulder to cry on. TQ.

I hope I'll be a good friend to you too!

..still wondering what happened!

Yesterday was an 'ok' day for me. True, there were times I wanted to just let everything out and yes, there were times when I wanted to cry so much that I just wanted to find a safe hole to hide in so I can just let the tears flow. But still, I didn't want to spoil everything for everyone else (I mean, we've been planning this for sooo long now!) so I just tried my best to put on a brave face and pretend nothing was happening. Eventually, I DID feel better (except when I met kak Shima and started to remember everything once again), especially when it was already night time. In fact, I was happy!

However, today is a different story. I didn't feel like getting outta bed and if it wasn't because of the fact that I haven't finished helping Choong (I was supposed to do this on Friday.. BEFORE I got the news, that is!) and since I still had to solve the 'Mystery of The Missing Technical Notes' (Hahah, Erwan nyer technical notes pun ilang.. ni tak de lain, Hasrul sabotage kitorang ni..:-p), I forced myself outta bed and got ready. Then, I heard this song on the way to the school today.. kak Ana was right, I shouldn't be listening to radio AT ALL anyway!

"Behind These Hazel Eyes"

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I thought I'd never cry on the outside anymore, but I was waaaayyyyy wrong. Even now, there's this lump in my throat that threatens everything inside me to come out. I wish I had someone I could talk to right now..

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Reminiscing..

This whole day has been filled with my mind making return trips back and forth to my past and to the present..

I feel as if yesterday never really happened. As if I had only dreamt of it all happening and that I'll wake up sometime and realize that it was all just a bad dream. But when I finally dragged myself outta bed this morning, and noticed a few sms asking about me and a missed call from Toroque who (bless him!) must still feel a bit worried about my 'sorry' state right now, I know it really happened..

Added to the fact that I have 'proof' right in my drawer right now, I can't really keep staying in the state of denial, right?

But I can't help going back to 8 years ago, when I first met my 'bestfriend'. On that day, if anyone told me we'd be bestfriends, I'd laugh out loud coz I didn't quite like this person at first.. seemed a bit snobbish and had this air around him that I despised.. but as they say, don't judge a book by its cover.

Still, maybe I judged to quickly, seeing how we are now. We haven't even exchanged ONE single word for nearly 3 years.. and to think that we were once always there for each other.

I remember a conversation we had once. I was crying after trying to get outta continuing my studies to pursuing a masters degree. I was pleading with Abah to let me work with the company I did my practical training (just got the offer then.. and it was with very good pay, may I add), while he kept threatening me with the 'anak derhaka' phrase. Feeling so upset, I went to the study room and switched on the computer, knowing my bestfriend would be online as he had gone home too..

Saya tak nak sambung masters.. rase macam nak lari je dari USM ni!

Awak nak lari ke mane? Mane awak larat nak lari jauh² hehe..

Buat lawak pulak.. biar la, saya nak lari.. mane² pun takpe, asalkan jauh dari USM.. jauh dari sumer orang..

Betul ke awak nak lari ni?

Ye la, awak pun same je ngan sumer orang lain.. gelak la kat saya, bile saya lari nanti, baru awak tau..

Kalau camtu, saya izinkan la awak lari..

Haaaa..

Tapi dengan syarat.. awak kene tunggu saya balik sana dulu.. lepas tu kite lari same².. saya tak nak awak lari sorang², nanti, sape nak jaga awak..? Kalau saye ade, at least ade orang boleh jaga awak.. Janji ngan saya, kalau awak nak lari, awak tunggu saya, ok!

God.. that hurts! And this was when I didn't even have a hint of feelings towards him. When we were still bestfriends.. now, awak dah tak kisah kan kalau saya lari ke mane pun?

Know what, at this exact time, I wish I had never met you! Or even if I had, I wish I still didn't like you as I did earlier.. or if I did, I wish I didn't grow closer to you with each passing day.. and even if I did get close to you, I wish I didn't care for you too much, that its eating me up inside..

But what I wish for the most is, I wish I understood why all this happened :'(

Friday, May 26, 2006

..in a total mess!

Yeah.. thats me, alright!

And funny thing is, I think this is where I'm supposed to be, anyway!

Pathetic, right?

I know..

..and its sad..

This is for Jida! :-)

Your Life is Like

Serendipity

Hehe.. yet another blogthing!

And Jida, this is for you. Serendipity! Yeay.. its for me..

Whaddya think?

Monday, May 22, 2006

My aura..

Your Aura is Blue

Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart.
You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone.
Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

Haha.. ok, one look and my blog, and everyone'll go ,"OMG! Since when has she gone crazy over these blogthings?" I know.. I know, why is it that suddenly my blog is full of them? Lets just say, I've been too busy with my work (bz enough to pretend my thesis does not exist, yet not too busy to surf the net haha..!)

Anyway, lookey, I got another blue here. Yet, the description is way outta line, huh? Tak pe la no.. saje suke² je ni :-p~

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Bad sister..

I'm tired..

I feel so exhausted..

..and frustrated with myself!

Ikram called me yesterday. He needed some money and some things so I promised to go out and buy them for him before I went to see him. Right after my tuition yesterday, I went straight to the bank to get the money and went to Billion to buy the things my dear brother wanted. I was afraid I won't have time today, or that I'll forget everything. Besides, there were some issues in my head I had to deal with that might effect my memory..

..sempat ke nak amik colloquium souveniers ari Isnin ni? Nak balut lagi.. nak tampal stickers lagi?

..presentation tak siap lagi? Nak cakap ape la nanti ni..


.. and don't forget the fact that you have public-speaking phobia!

..sempat ke anta thesis BEFORE I have to pay for the next semester punye fees? Takde duit dah ni..

..cukup ke whatever there is in my thesis ni? Ke its just like a final year student's project?

..apa lagi la yang salah dalam thesis tu agaknye eh.. Dr Wan tak bagi balik pun lagi nih.. risau plak!

..duit nak bayo yuran thesis dah ade.. tapi nak buat 10 copies nanti cukup ke tak ntah..!

..lagi sebulan lebih je nak nyakat Izati before dia jadi 'budak beso'.. :'( Why must I feel as if she's still 5?

..then the never ending questions regarding IM.. hahah, I can almost hear Sentot shouting,"Get a LIFE!"

Well, enough with those questions!

I was happy with myself when I had managed to buy everything on the list (was quite a long list too, that rascal of a brother yang suke bully kakak dia) and instantly text him telling him I'd already bought all his favourite snacks.

I was thinking of sending his things this morning, until he asked another favour: his favourite nasik goreng ayam! So since I assumed he wanted it for lunch, besides mane ade orang jual pagi² pun, I postponed my trip to him and decided to go at noon. So for lunch, I dragged Yun and Husnul to Ikram's favourite gerai before taking them to kedai sarang burung for our own lunch. I was glad I was able to buy EVERY kind of food he requested.. growing up melampau la budak tu, makan tak ingat dunia haha..

I arrived at his training centre a little after 2pm. As he walked to my car, I noticed earphones dangling form his neck and,"SHOOT!!", I forgot his earphones. He laughed when I apologized for forgetting but I just can't help scolding myself for failing to remember such a simple thing.

We talked for a while, as usual, and as I was ready to go back home, I handed him his money and things. However, I noticed something amiss.. and to my embarrassment, I realized that more than half of the things I had bought for him was missing. To think that I had almost bragged on not forgetting anything on his list..

But bless my brother, he just laughed and wasn't the least mad, I think la.. I quickly jumped into the car promising to go find the missing items I'd lost and all the while cursing myself for doing this. I can't even remember where I put them as I recall, I left them in the car. We searched in my car with no avail. Then I went back to school, just in case I had absentmindedly kept it in my cube but it wasn't there. I went back home, still with nothing and finally proceeded to Billion as my last resort.

At Billion, I was frustrated once again when I realized they hadn't seen any misplaced groceries and I wanted to cry when I realized I didn't bring any extra money to replace the missing items. I felt so dejected as I walked back to my car, feeling so stupid and sad that I had let Ikram down. He trusted that I'd do those simple things for him, AND I had promised him I'd look after him if he agreed to further his studies here.. but just look at me!

I'm just a bad sister..

And I know, someone out there agrees with me, its something he's always told me.. Maybe, he is right, huh! :'(

Monday, May 15, 2006

My true colour..

Take this test at Tickle
Your true color is Blue!
What's Your True Color?
Brought to you by Tickle

You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue — and patently you!

Hahah.. now I wanna laugh. I took this test just now, forwarded by a friend and I got the colour blue, my favourite colour (aside from pink la..)

Here's me review of it:

Traditionally symbolized trust, solitude and loyalty --> Gulp! I'm not sure if I have those virtues, though I hope I do.. I mean, who you think you are, doesn't neccesarily reflect what other people think of you, right?

Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. --> Yeah, I loved spending time alone once upon a time ago, but after a few things that happened in my life, I was a bit afraid to. Now, I'm starting to love my alone-time once again.. and yes, I love being very close to people who mean much to me!

since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. --> Ok, this got me feeling ashamed of myself as for the past three weeks, I've lost my temper once (still ashamed to think of it..) and been on the roller coaster of feeling very down at one minute, and really happy the next. Feeling like laughing at one moment, and trying to hold back tears the next. So, could you call this calm and rarely overreact?

Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. --> I DO think, but sometimes what I plan to do, doesn't really happened the way I imagined it.. *sigh*

Anyway, I'm still human, aren't I? So, go on, try take the test, and see where YOU land in ;-p~~

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Where have all the years gone?

14 May 2006 00.25am

Another entry, in exactly 24 hours..

Mama sent me a message just now, informing me that Izati had been offered a place in UIAM. I shouted out the news to Yun who was watching tv in the living area and was as excited as can be. However, as I replied Mama's message, a big question loomed in my head..

Where have all the years gone to?

My baby sister is old enough to be on her own now!

Gosh! I just can't believe it.. I still remember the time she was born not 17 years ago. I had lived my first 9 and a half years on earth being the only girl in the clan. My ally and enemy were my three brothers, Iwan, Adi and Ikram and though I loved to boss them (but hated being bullied by them!), I yearned for a sister to play with. I kept persuading Mama and Abah to give me a sister but they just laughed so I had to make due with the three monsters.

When I was in standard 3, Mama announced that I was to have a a new sibling. Masa tu la pun rajin beno semayang.. nak adik perempuan la katakan hahaha.. and on the 10th of July 1989, my sister Nurikhsan Izati was born.

I hovered over her, took care of her, made sure not even a mosquito could fly around her until I became quite a bore to the boys. But who could blame me, this was the long awaited sister I always wanted :-)

At home, I was in charge of her, and happy for it. I made her milk, changed her diapers, bathed her, chose what she would wear for the day before carefully puttting the clothes on her, played with her and all things an excited big sister would do. When she was older, I taught her to read and write and count.. and for a while, my love for books was passed down on her (though now she prefers lovey dovey books la pulaaaaak)..

When she was in standard 3 and had just passed her PTS, I asked what she wanted and she told me she wanted her ears pierced. Hahaha.. kakak dia punye telinge pun tak bertindik, in fact, I must have cringed more than she did when I finally fulfilled my promise to her. After that, whenever I saw any cute earrings, I'd buy them for her.. maybe to 'compensate' my own earringless ears :-D

My relationship with her wasn't all sunshine. There were times I'd merajuk with her and stubbornly pretend to not notice her trying to make it up to me. Sometimes, it wasn't even her fault, more like the sensitive me feeling hurt when people compare me to her.. and people tend to do that A LOT! Once, I found her crying and when I asked her why (though I was still trying to pretend to be mad at her!), I melted when she said,"Sebab kak Yong kakak Ti.." After that, I vowed NEVER to be mad at her again..

However, sometimes she WOULD find the joy in irritating me. Whenever Mama bought the both of us anything (like telekung or kain untuk baju kurung ke..) and asked us to chose, she'd wait until I chose THEN make a fuss of wanting what I wanted in the first place. Once or twice, I just kept quiet, but when I noticed it was ALwAYS happening, I told her to choose first. Would you believe it, she refused, on grounds that she didn't want me to do the same thing to her.. ahaaah! Finally, she admitted on puposely doing it so when I asked her about it, she just laughed saying,"Kakak kan sentiase kene mengalah!".. ampeh nyer adik! Haha..

I've always felt the 9-year gap between us when I was younger, but these past two years have made me no longer notice the gap. I love our late night talks whenever I come back home and I love teasing her by calling her phone whenever she starts to doze off. I love hearing her tell me about her friends and her daily activities. I'm glad whenever she comes to me for advice, eventhough kakak dia ni laaaaagi ampeh je pun..

Once, when Farood was taping me and kak Ana, with my voice scolding him for disturbing us, he decided to show us what he had taped. To my suprise, I heard Izati's laugh, voice and manner of speaking in the video. I didn't really notice that we talked the same way but when I called Mama from Izati's phone one day and pretended to be Izati, Mama fell for it hahah..

Well, we ARE sisters, aren't we?

But now, I can't believe my sister will be away one day. I had always thought that THAT day would come much more later. I always thought that she'd always be my baby sister. I always thought that I'll always be there to protect her, just like the time when she was small. I always thought that she'd be home whenever I decide to go back..

Ok, now I really wanna cry :'(

God, she isn't even gone yet, but I'm already missing her..

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Buruk la org tue nangis..

Last year, I wrote about saying goodbye to Lily, Alem, Mozac and the gang. This time, I'm saying goodbye to another one of their gang, Juty.

I just got back from sending Juty to the bus stop. He has finally completed his studies here and is heading back home for good.. and I miss him already :'(

Can't believe I just met them 3 years ago, when I was AFRAID of them haha.. Now, Juty is going back home while the rest of them are either working or furthering their studies elsewhere (except Pojie la, who thankfully is still around, choosing to pursue his masters here!). Just sitting at the bus stop just now reminded me of all of us buat keje gila, amik gambaq kat bus stop Parit Buntaq haha..

Suddenly, I miss all of them :'(

When bidding goodbye to him, Juty, who must've taken the cue from Alem, came to tease me that I should be crying when saying goodbye to him. It didn't help that Salimin made a mock announcement about 'its time to say goodbye'! Guess my infamous crybabyness is well known to them. So, as usual, THOSE statements led me to feeling so sad, I had to shoo Juty to his bus so that if I DID cry, he won't see it.. Felt a bit smug too when I realized I didn't really feel a GREAT need to cry (sikit² je) and told myself that I'm immune to goodbyes already.

When I went home, I was ironing my shirt when I got a message from Juty, asking me to send his regards to Yun and telling me that we'd meet again one day. I wanted to tease him back so I sent a crying icon to him. However, when he replied, reprimanding me not to cry sebab buruk nanti , I just couldn't help it. Guess I'm not so immune after all..

When I told Pojie, who unfortunately wasn't here, about it, he consoled me telling me it just meant that I cared about them. However, I guess it didn't have the effect intended by Pojie. Instead of feeling better (well, maybe better sikit la kottt!), it just made me remember something Alem once (more like at least trice; 1. in my Friendster, 2. in an sms, 3. during his konvo) said to me..

mmmm kak ayu sedih ke nie? huhuh sedey x? tu la rmi sgt adik...ms tgh rmi best laa, ni dh 'ilang' sume2 kn dh lg sedih :P Lain kali jangan baik2 sgt ngan org, nn bile dah takde, mesti rindu nanti!

The problem with me is, though I find it hard to really put my trust in people, I get attached a bit too easily. Quite contradicting, don't you think? It doesn't help that IM, whom I trusted the most before, was the one who, in a way, hurt me the most too! Just like Abah, who also betrayed our trust a few years ago.. You understand now why I find it hard to trust people?

But its the 'getting attached' part that makes me hate goodbyes! Its that part too that makes me wanna cry evertime I know the time has come to bid farewell.

For a while, after calming down, the thought that came into my head was that the only solution to this is to stop myself from getting too attached to the people I care for right now. I mean, like the Kelly Clarkson song, "My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with". She's right, if you don't let yourself care for something, losing it won't hurt you..

But then again, I'll lose so much more if I do that.. won't I? I'll lose feeling how it feels to be happy to see someone. I'll lose the feeling of enjoying other peoples company. I'll lose the warm feeling I feel whenever I know I care enough for somebody (or a lot of somebody hehe..), that I might even trust them! There's so much more I'll lose if I hold back but most of all, I'll lose the joy that comes with every oppurtunity of a great friendship that comes my way..

This is one crossroad of my life, where my head knows what is right, but my heart just wants to save me from the pain I MIGHT feel.. Yes, even wants to shield me from the pain of goodbyes!

*tatau nak tulis ape dah..

What do you think?

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Semua salah Pojie..


I had come to school 2 days ago in hopes of tying up some loose ends of my thesis. However, since I had just come back from Kulim, I found myself engulfed in my usual laziness eventhough I was sitting right in front of the pc.

As I was deleting some unused files, I came across some files Pojie had given me a few days earlier. It was files for the Prison Break series I had requested, but still hadn't found the time to watch. A smile came across my face as an idea formed into my head, that was quickly agreed by the lazy inner me.

Now, the reason I haven't watched it wasn't just because I didn't have time, but also because my pc downstairs does not have speakers (kes malas nak amik kat bilik atas) and I, myself, do not own any earphones or whatsoever. When I noticed Pojie wasn't at his workstation anyway, I quickly text him to ask permission to curik his headphone. My excuse was, "Pojie dah lame bagi files ni kat akak but I haven't even peeked at it pun!" <--Alasan!!!

I've seen the YM status of some friends commenting on this series from waaaaaayyy back to last year (even before it hit the tvs here). I once asked them about it but what I got was mostly,"Tengok la wei, bes giler!" Hehe, those comments didn't really make me interested to watch it!

However, a couple of weeks ago, me, Pojie and Lie were helping Remy with something. Remy clearly had lost sleep over this and since he didn't seem to be eating, we told him to go and eat while we helped him with his work. Though he was reluctant at first, at last he agreed to go grab a bite while we continued what he was previously doing.

Pojie had ordered his nescafe o ais from Remy so eventhough we had finished Remy's work, we decided to wait until Remy came back to the postgraduate room before retiring to our own rooms/home. While waiting, Pojie and Lie wanted to watch the 18th and 19th episode of
Prison Break and since I was curious about the story, I agreed to watch it with them.

The rest, they say, is history! I was instantly hooked though I might have annoyed Pojie at my 1001 questions every 5 minutes or so, regarding the series. Ye la, baru nak tengok first time, p tengok episode yang belakang² haha.. I made Pojie promise to bring me his collection of the series, and thats how it got into my pc :-p~

No one else was in the postgrauate room except Quazzi so I dimmed the lights and started to get comfortable in my cubicle. I kept telling myself that I'll only watch the first episode since I had my tuition classes in 2 and a half hours but that 'first episode' turned out to be THREE episodes. I didn't even notice the time!

When it was nearly 2.45 ONLY did I reluctantly stop watching it and returned Pojies headphones with a note of thanx while telling him I had succeeded in watching the first three episode. Since I didn't really want to feel guilty of abandoning my thesis, I told Pojie that HE
should be the guilty one. However, when I came back that night, I found a note from him saying he didn't feel guilty, and even encouraged me to go finish the whole 18 episodes he had given me..

Aiyakkkk! Why oh why la did you HAVE to say that, Pojie? Really encouraged me lagi je la...

Know what I did? Curik his headphones again and just continued with the rest of the series while trying to maintain a straight face (cover malu la konon nye tu..) full of dignity in front of him, after failing to restrain myself from watching it! Hahah.. malu giler, but what the heck, sape suh ajo akak tengok? Hehe.. I mean the suspense, the wonder of the complex human mind (Micheal thought of EVERYTHING and had backup plans for anything that might come in the way.. wow!), the family moments. It didn't help that it had a bit of engineering thrown in that most of us here could really relate to.. and the fact that Wentworth Miller was a cutie didn't really hurt!

Three straight days! THREE! Three weih.. Three straight days I managed to ignore my thesis completely and only concentrated on the series. Imagine, if I had did my work for the long weekend (Saturday, Sunday and Monday, the holiday for Labour Day), I might even manage to submit my thesis haha.. but what did I do? Waste my time on this series.. (Cett, macam la sebelum ni rajin beno pun.. )

Okay la Pojie, I'm not blaming you pun. I admit, even without this series sitting in my pc, my work still wouldn't be done coz I get distracted so easily. But then again, malu la nak ngaku bersalah sorang² so I'm dragging you into my guilt ye, Pojie! Heheh..

Still, suddenly life seems so boring after finally watching the complete set (in my pc la, not the complete series, lum abis lagi laa..) Pojie gave me. Now I'm itching to find out waht happens next and like I said, ni semua salah Pojie ;-p~

*sigh*

Anyway, I'm gonna insaf now and go do my work. Pojie, akak nye pc takde episode 19 la. Esok meeting kolokium and ape pun tak siap lagi! Ishhh, cam nak tengok lagi la citer ni dari mule! I also plan to submit my thesis within this month, Uwaaaa, ketagih dah nak tengok citer ni!, so I'd better not let anything distract me, right? Pojie, nanti remind akak to burn citer ni dalam cd, ek! See, I'm not the least distracted.. right?

P/S
Pojie, bile dapat yang 20 nyer, kasi tau akak ek.. :-p~

Monday, May 01, 2006

Terre cakap Penang dahhhh!

I met with Aniza yesterday for lunch. I was busy hiding from 'someone' during that time but when Ani called and said she'd like to drop by and have lunch with me, I was whooping with joy!

She's one of my oldest friend. One of those friends who surprise you with every little detail they remember about you. She still remembers my favourite colour from years ago and even remembers my small insignificant habits I thought nobody noticed hehe..

Anyway, we went for lunch kat tepi sungai. We talked about old friends and teachers. Talked about each other (she's engaged, btw! *sigh* Saya jugak la yang single lagi).

Anyway, halfway through our conversation, I noticed that she had become the listener, and I had become the 'talker' (somehow, opposite from what we were!). I stopped talkin and asked her; why the sudden silence?

Her answer: "Aku syok nak dengaq hang cakap Penang. Terre dah no hang cakap Penang, dulu sepatah pun tak gheti. Tu dalam lahir besaq semua kat Penang tu! Cakap pun dah banyak dah, dulu tak dak la banyak sangat camni!"

I just looked at her face before bursting with laughter. It was only then that I remembered: my school friends (before form 4) have NEVER heard me talking in the Penang dialect. I just couldn't get it right though I HAD tried to, once in Form 1).It didn't help that we didn't talk like that at home since my parents are both from Kuala Kangsar so we had adopted the 'standard' way of talking.

Another reason I wasn't comfortable is because I always thought that the way of speaking sonded too harsh. Macam nak gaduh je.. hehe, marah orang² Penang!. My friends knew I always felt like this so sometimes they tone it down a bit in front of me.. thus, making me feel like a jerk! I mean, its not that I hated it totally.. but I guess, like they say, "Tak kenal maka tak cinta.. tak tau cakap, cammana nak suka?

Let's see, in Form 4, I was chided for being unable to talk using the Penang dialect. But eventhough in Form 1 I had tried but did not succeed, in Form 4, I had help in the form of Shikin. Shikin was what you'd say ,"Cakap Penang pekat giler!" so though she laughed at the way I talked (which to her was as strange as to me hearing HER talk in the Penang dialect), like a patient teacher, she slowly helped me in this department. Before long, I was able to really understand what Penangites talk though I was still the butt of jokes whenever I tried to speak like them haha.. but this is all thanks to her!

But the way I spoke changed once I befriended Yokies and Toroque. Toroque also spoke like Shikin so that helped me a lot in the 'speaking like a Penangite Project'. Then during my ongoing post-graduate years, I befriended Remy. I didn't know Remy was a Penangite until he slipped when he was talking to me one day. When I asked him where he was from, I was already starting to talk in the Penang dialect.. well, one thing about me, I only talk like then amongst Penangites so when I knew Remy was from Penang, I just gained ANOTHER teacher haha.. Banyak oo belajaq cakap Penang ngan Remy!

Anyway, this was what I told Ani, and she nodded in understanding though she laughed at how they had failed to teach me 'the way to talk' and I only learnt it these past few years. I know my speech still needs some polishing, but hey, its starting to grow on me.. and I'm loving it!