Thursday, June 30, 2005


Sentot (6/23/2005 5:03:21 PM): ingat week....kumpul idea banyak2...buat la satu entry utk saya
ayuikhwani (6/23/2005 5:03:32 PM): buat pe
ayuikhwani (6/23/2005 5:03:35 PM): bukan besh pun
ayuikhwani (6/23/2005 5:03:36 PM): hehehehe
Sentot (6/23/2005 5:03:43 PM): kat maksu ada edisi khas takkan kat saya takdak kot
Sentot (6/23/2005 5:03:43 PM): isk is kisk
Sentot (6/23/2005 5:03:43 PM): hehe

That's a copied and pasted version of the coversation I had with Baizurah last week, so Sentot, this entry is entirely dedicated to you :)

I first got to know her a few days after registering in AlMashoor. Since all of us were from different schools, the only people I knew were Nadiah and Suri so most of the time, the three of us sat together. Being the shy person I was, it never crossed my mind to initiate a conversation with my friends except to my dormmates, where this is inevitable since I get to see them throughout the day. I was too busy being afraid of everyone during the first few days. Luckily I had kak Shazrah and kak Iqin, whom I've known since primary, to help me in the hostel.

After settling down in our classes, with new faces to look at and new names to memorize, we started the slow process of mingling around. When I say slow, this is because most of us stayed in our own group we've known since primary BUT still, we tried! Then one day, Nadiah called me to introduce me to this girl she just knew.. her exact words were,"Ayu, mai la sini.. cute tak budak ni? Nama dia Siti Nur Baizurah" Thus, starting one of my most treasured friendships ever..

And YES Baizurah, it WAS Nadiah who introduced me to you, maybe you remember why hehe.. And YES, we were on friendlier terms after form 4. I mean, she was one of my bestfriends during primary, though this stupid something which I still don't understand made us grow apart from each other (I mean, seriously, when you think about it.. still puzzles me though) But then again, after that incident, I was no angel too and that part I admit *ashamed*. Thankfully, being thrown together in a tuition class, we slowly overcame our differences and both of us made the effort to behave haha.. anyway, this blog isn't for her! And by the way, she just got married a month ago.

Back to Sentot. My first 'view' of her was a face peeking behind Nadiah. Being a shy person myself, I just smiled and her and introduced myself. And Baizurah, you're right, in this case, we were the mirror image of each other.. tak sangka hahah.. First time I found someone as shy as I was.

After that, we started hanging out with each other in class though in form 1, I was still mostly quiet and Baizurah was mostly with the outsiders- a nickname we use for students who don't stay in the hostel. I guess our friendship really took off in form 2 and I'm glad it did.

I have lots of memories with her. I loved to play pranks on her since she was the only one simple-minded enough to fall for it. Hahah, jangan marah, Baizurah, the point here is, we were both 'lurus bendul' so she was the ONLY one I could play jokes on (I guess that work vice versa too). The most memorable one being the 'Surat of Adam' which some of you may have read in my earlier entries in this blog. God, I still laugh myself silly over THAT!

But still, her desk was one of my favourite places, along with Ami's desk. I was always trying to copy her neat hand writing but never really succeeded though Sarina once thought Baizurah had written "Bangun la, Penguin!" in her book when it was really me. Whenever the teacher was out, we'd drag our chairs towards her desk (she, like me, sat at the back of the class at that time) and start talking like 'speaker masjid', much to the annoyance of our studious classmates.. though most of them joined us too.. Mak Su.. Illis.. Dayang.. Shipah.. Shareena..

I remember one of her favourite imitations. She used to love imitating Ustazah whatever her name was.. aiyak!! Dah lupe la.. This ustazah always wears her tudung in this hilarious way that it was one of the most prominent jokes. The truth is, whenever bored, not only our class tau, students always do this imitating game. Sangat hampeh kan all of us dulu! But somehow, no one could imitate her better than Baizurah. Then she'd pull this funny face that whenever I'm mad at her, she'd just come with this face and I'd laugh till my tears roll out.

Then we had this story book. I'd start with a paragraph or two, maybe a whole chapter, then Ami or Baizurah would continue. Once in a while, our other friends would chip in their contribution, usually Mak Su, I think. It was mostly about silly crushes on KRU la at that time but still, lots of my friends loved to read them, siap bagi idea lagi. I wonder where that book is now, I'm sure the whole lot of us would laugh ourselves silly over the book.

Speaking about KRU, the both of us were so crazeeeeeeeee about Yusry though sometimes I just don't understand what we saw in him. Ami was in the neutral ground since she was the only one who loved Norman, as well as Suri who went ga-ga over Edry. We'd compete to see who knows more about Yusry.

"Baizurah, saya tau birthday Yusry and what college he attended"

"Eleh, saya ada buku pasal biography dia lagiiii"

"Waaa.. nak pinjam, Baizurah!!!"

"Nyeh.. nyeh.. tak bleh.."

Though she'd still lend it to me heheh.. My most victorious moment was when Suhaila sent me photo's of KRU which she took. How I gloated over those pictures, kan Baizurah? But please tell me, What were we thinking?

She was one of the sweetest friends I ever had. *Rolling eyes* I know you're gonna throw this remark back at me, Baizurah. I can just imagine you saying "Mengaku pun saya sweet" Hehe..

Once in form 2 (Abah always organized these motivational programmes for my school for the students who were going to sit for big exams and somehow, Baizurah's father was always invited to give his really superb motivational talks), Abah forced me to participate in this programme and I was petrified, being the youngest participant. I was so worried and guess what Baizurah did? She accompanied me throughout the programme! So, there we were, two form two students amidst the form three, form five and form six students.

I always had fun around her. I guess we suited each other since we always understood each other haha, since we were so much like. (Suprisingly, being older and wiser, and also being apart from each other for so long, I still get amazed to find out how similar we are) Sadly, the last time we really hung out was in form three.

In form 4, Baizurah went to SGGS while I stayed in AlMashoor.. and believe me Baizurah, I was depressed in those first few months, wishing I could take myself back to form 3. I mean, I was the only one with ONLY 4 A's in that class while the others had at least 6 and to tell you the truth, more than once someone would remark that I was in the science class because of my father. Mengong!! Though I had only 4A's, I fulfilled the minimum requirement la (at least two A's in either Science, Maths or English) Besides, we were the experimental batch! Thank God I came out first in the first test, or I guess I'd still feel stupid to be in that class.

Alamak! Ubah topic plak

Well, in form 4, we talked occasionally through the phone (Hehe, I remember what Adam told you guys during this period.. mulut sgt hampeh but he's changed so much now.. makes me miss the cheeky Adam sometimes) but then the duration between phone calls grew more apart and I guess one day, we just stopped calling at all though we'd hear about each other from mutual friends.

Then two years ago, I heard about her brother. I frantically searched for her phone number to talk to her, nasib baik ade Ami! Suprisingly, it was as if we were never apart! Amidst her sadness, we were soon rolling around in laughter, but that made me realize how much I missed her companionship. We kept in touch for a few months but then was back to being quiet, though this time, we had each others number handy!

But then, a few months ago, we were again united. Through Friendster and YM now. I talk to her nearly everyday, still gaduh² like we did dulu, and still laughed ourselves silly. I mean, at least now my colleagues are not that suprised to see me laugh out loud suddenly coz at first, I must have scared them! Seriously Baizurah, I laugh (and I mean laugh out REALLY loud) everytime I talk to you. You're gonna make me have laughter lines prematurely!

Like I said, it was as if we were never apart. We seem to always pick up, right where we left and God! I'll have an ulcer for laughing too much. Not to mention the self pity sessions we have occasionally hehe..

Ape pun Baizurah, I'm glad Nadiah introduced us.. and though I know I'm going to have to endure a very gloating Baizurah for the next few weeks, I'm still glad to say, "You're one of the BEST, Sentot! And only Allah knows how much I appreciate and enjoy having you around. Hope we'll still be friends when we grow all wrinkly and old"

BTW Baizurah.. I was teaching my tuition students Trigonometry yesterday, and was asking them, how do they remember the formula of Sinus, Cosinus and Tangent. Remember Ustaz Mokhtar taught us using the "kakak beli halia" method --> for Cosinus la but then you guys used the English technique Cikgu Tagi taught! I however, still use the malay one where, but the improvised one made by Ami, I think, where

Sinus = Suri toyol hijau
Tangent = Toyol tendang Baizurah

Sorry gal, but I really smiled at the memory of it.. and I'm still using this method 10 years later heheh.. In fact, I can't remember the original one!

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Extravagant, thrifty or 'scrooge'-like?

On Friday, I went to Pinang Megamall with my colleague Faezah and junior, Ramlah. After an hour and a half of our usual rounds there, we were ready to go back to USM. On the way to the car, we were laughing at Ramlah for buying these two large containers, it was funny seeing her struggling with the huge plastic bags and we were laughing like adolescents.. melawak tak pandang kiri-kanan!!

Anyway, on the way back, commenting on our spending and on the sales person who was supposed serve us..

"Waaa.. kata nak beli buku, tgk la dah beli ape ni?"
"Ingat tanak beli pa per, tp banyak gak shopping nyer.."
"Haaa.. nak yang mana?" <-- imitating the salesperson in charge

.. Ramlah was looking at my purchases and she suddenly commented, "Kak Ayu ni dah 25 tapi masih tak pandai lagi nak urus budget.. tengok cam Faezah ni, dia kat nak beli satu buku, memang dia beli satu buku.."

Now, I wasn't mad at her for saying that coz thats what I usually hear people say whenever I get out of a book shop but suddenly today, I was thinking of what she said.

The truth is, I HATE SHOPPING! Sorry to say, but really, yours truly isn't one of the typical females who simply loves shopping. I'd rather stay home than go buying things I might regret and I only go out whenever I NEED something or if I want to go to the movies (which is about 75% of the times I go out.. well, aside from books, movies are also my topmost choice of entertainment).. ok², I also go out if I hear that POPULAR or MPH is doing a sale or book fair anywhere nearby!

Lets put it this way. I DON'T go shopping for the sake of shopping. Though sometime I go have some girly time with my friends, but we usually go out for a bite or spend our time in the cinema and bookstores (Yup.. I seem to befriend bookworms here.. well, Soraya DID say, "Great minds think alike" hehe..)

I mean, I know friends who go shopping whenever they're in the mood or whenever they want to relax after a tiring event bla.. bla.. bla.. And they'll end up, mostly with clothes, shoes and all those girly 'essentials'. To me, THAT'S wasting money.. but then again, looks who's talking -->

For the past few weeks, I've been having frequent trips to the bookstores and to a book fair held in Penang. Believe it or not, I've bought about 15 books throughout these trips which I've made around 3-4 times. (If Yun reads this, she's going to give me a good scolding --> "Buang duit je ngko ni.. tak bleh tengok buku langsung"). But hey, I READ these book. Some people go on a shopping spree and end up not wearing even HALF of the load they bought. So, with books, I admit defeat! I AM extravagant with them especially with the release of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince next month.. whoopeee!!

Another thing I spend a lot on is on my skin care. Alaaa, c'mon la you guys, those who know me personally will have an idea on why I spend so much here. See, I'm 25 but with the skin of a teenager, macam kilang minyak! So, after being introduced to Clinique, I haven't looked back, since this is the ONLY skin care that has been able to control 'degree of sebum' on my face. Though I may have to spend a bit, but it's worth all that. Besides, I only buy the supplies nearly once a year, so when it comes back to the budget, I'm just spending a few ringgit per month only.

So there, those are the only things I spend on.. honest!

On the other hand, though I spend much on these items, I don't really spend so much when I go teman my friends shopping. I can refrain myself from buying clothes and shoes even when ALL my friends are choosing them except when I need it. For example, what happened on Friday itself. A few minutes before, I was with Ramlah and Faezah in the Vincci shoestore and though the sandals were pretty, I didn't feel like buying any. But then, a while after that, my sandal just HAD to snap off right in front of Bata. What was I to do, I was wearing a baju kurung and you can't expect me to seret the damn slipper kot? So I lost more than RM 30 there.

Ok².. its not as if I don't spend on clothes. Alaaa, takkan tak spend langsung, nanti takde baju langsung pulak! But let me give you an example of my clothes-buying method. This is a real-life experience that happened last Sunday.

10.30am From USM, drove to Penang alone, heading toward Prangin

11.30am Arrived at Prangin and headed straight to the ladies department

12.15pm Paid for the blouse and pants I chose and went to the groceries department

12.40pm Headed back to USM, Transkerian

1.30pm Arrived at USM

Haha.. THAT's a true account of Ayu's shopping spree! I go alone coz I'm afraid if I make people wait, and since I already knew what I wanted to buy, I just go straight to the shop and buy it, then go home.. I don't even go to the book shop, even if its just on the other side. Besides, I know if I even step in with one foot, I won't get outta the store for quite a while!

So there, am I really extravagant..? Or is it just like Ramlah said, I'm not good at planning my budget? Friends, comments please!!!

What about my coin box.. I save ALL my shillings in my coinbox EVERYDAY! Can that count as being thrifty? Haha.. tanak ngaku boros gak tuh..

Monday, June 20, 2005

My 'dirty laundry' is out in the open

No.. no, I'm not saying I'm dumb enough to display my dirty laundry to all.. c'mon la people, logic skit!

Lets put it this way.. A few days ago (more like a few weeks ago), reading Baizurah's a.k.a Sentot's blog, I told her I wanted to do a counter-entry for one of her entries. Though I already knew what to say, at that time la, I didn't rush into it as I wanted to get more ideas.

Basically, she was talking about her 'army' of Barbies! Like most girls, having at least one Barbie was one of life's essentials (though I survived a childhood without one). However, the playful stories about Barbies moved on to seroius notes about our dreams and here, I totally agree with her!

You see, I guess all of us girls, when we were small, dreamed of being a princess. To us, princesses were the highest form of would-be personalities all of us wanted to be. Well, you can't really blame us, what with all fairy tales describing the princesses as being the most beautiful, kind, well liked and bla.. bla.. bla.. the list goes on! Once you've gained the princess status, life wouldn't be complete without your very own prince charming whom, in our dreams, are the most handsome, strongest and.. well, charming hehe..

Then, when we entered kindergarten life, we realized, we can't be princesses.. but that's ok! We could still be like Barbie, the most famous girl/careerwoman/housewife/bla² in the whole world. Who doesn't know her..? Even little boys know her and her boyfriend Ken. Thats how we build our fantasies, all around the imaginary world we all have lived in once upon a time ago. It was always, " When I grow up, I'm gonna be.."

But then, sadly, we DO grow up..

Thats when reality hits us!

All the things we dreamt of in our childhood don't seem that easy to attain anymore. In fact, some things just get so confusing that we wish we didn't have to face all this growing up. Gosh! And to think that once, we wanted to grow up and became 'one of the adults' so we could do anything we wanted but now, suddenly we wonder, "Why did I grow up so quickly? I want my childhood back!"

The truth is, I ask myself this question nearly everyday!

Then, a few days ago, I read this book entitled "Do you think I'm beautiful?" Not really someone who'd read these kind of books, this book caught my attention by the synopsis at the back which asked something like this..

"Little girls know about Cinderella-about her breathtaking beauty, about Prince Charming, about a magical destiny called 'happily ever after'. And inside every woman is a girl who secretly aches for a fairy godmather to wave a wand and transform her into the princess she has always longed to be. To make her beautiful. Captivating. Adored"

Reading this, I suddenly remembered Baizurah's entry and what the heck! Just bought the book for the fun of seeing this writer's point of view.

The first few pages asked about if you had ever dreamed of being Cinderella! Duh! Dumb question.. I mean, who hasn't? Everyone dreams of being her (the girls je la..) and I'm sure to those who loved to fantasies when smaller, she's been Cinderella more than twice! Then suddenly, the author asked another question that caught me off guard.

She asked the readers to look deep down inside, and answer the question sincerely. Your heart might had dreamt of being Cinderella and all, complete with our very own prince charming and our happy ending.. but what about your head? Sadly, the author's answer to this question made me realize, I never really hoped to be Cinderella anyway.

Picture this, you're in the ballroom, and prince charming is right acroos the room from you. You had spent so much time agonizing over what to wear, what to say, over if your smile is sweet enough and if your behavior and manners are as good as you always wanted them to be.. in fact, to your ownself, you feel you've done your best, but behold! In comes Cinderella, dashing all your hopes of even being in the limelight for just a second. Then, you just slide back into the crowd, into all the unknown faces because you know, you're not really good enough anyway. You realize, though you pored over all the small details, you will never be good enough for anything. All those preparation were really done, because that's what was expected of you not because you thought you could be considered SPECIAL.. maybe fairly good, but not SPECIAL!

For a while, I was dumbstruck.. Then I realized, gosh! That's me! That's the real me. One of those faceless people who never really made it, but always stays in the background, just in case!

I did a double take, but I'm sure this author doesn't really know me, to describe someone SO like me. I mean, this could be someone close to me, how could she know all those details?

You know, I've spent all my life trying to get approval from eveybody.. from Abah, Mama, my siblings, my teachers, my friends, my housemates, colleagues and even my young chargers at the tuition centre (could you believe that??)

In a way, all these people are my prince charming, especially two people whom I love most! I spend my life, trying so much to please them but I don't think it has ever been enough, somehow its always someone else, whom in my mind, doesn't even have to try hard enough. And as desperation turns to frustration after frustration, I guess I finally admitted defeat and just go on doing things that are expected of me, without question.

I guess, all this has lead to my very low self esteem.. yes, I'm admitting it!

I mean, I'm NOTHING! Deep down inside, I know, I don't mean a thing to these people whom I love. I can't even set a good example to my siblings, no wonder they're scattered all across Malaysia.. but how I SO wanted to be their pillar of strength, especially in time like these.. only God knows how bad I feel about myself now!

You might ask, what has this gotto do with the princess story above? Well, once upon a time ago, I guess, I wanted to be SOMEONE! I thought that, once I grow up, I'll be someone, especially to these two people. To me, growing up means, getting outta this low-confidence coccoon I've been in for as long as I can remember.. growing up was, to me, magical!

But little by little, I learnt that those things just don't happen. I still have my low opinion of myself, just like I had years ago.. except now, I'm getting good at hiding it from other people!

I've also learnt a bit, on how to hide the real me from other people. The truth is, I'm afraid people won't like the real me. As if the real me is just not good enough. I mean, just look at me.. in the looks department, I sit on the middle shelf. My personality isn't what you'd call attractive. Even my brain is average (though ONE person I love said, lower than average! :( Or maybe both of them think the same way, for all I know..)

I have trouble trusting people, afraid to be used as the butt of jokes or to have my mind played with. Its really frustrating, when I wish I trusted people even more (Ok, Azren, kak Yong admit yang maybe you're the one who made me realize how hard it was for me to trust people) I mean, especially after the two MAJOR things (that only SOME people know) that have happened in my life, it makes me see that sometimes the people we trust are the ones who cheat the most..

God.. I really hate myself!

And here I am.. so there guys, I've put out some of my dirty laundry out here! Hope I'm not judged by all this.. its just that, I don't know how to end this entry so I'd better stop now, though abruptly!

Enough said!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

A touching story.. most probably true eh?

I got this when browsing thru Ayeen's blog.. so people, enjoy!!

People call me "Tree".

I had dated 5 girls when I was in Pre-U. There is one girl who I love alot but never dared to go after. She didn't have a pretty face, good figure or an outstanding charm. She was just a very ordinary girl. I liked her. I really liked her. I liked her innocence, her frankness, her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her was that I felt somebody so ordinary like her was not a good match for me. I was also afraid that after we were together, all the feelings would vanish. I was afraid other's gossip would hurt her.

I felt that if she were my girl, she'd be mine ultimately & I didn't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompanying me for 3 years. She watched me chase other girls, and I have made her heart cry for 3 years.

She was a good actor, and me a demanding director. When I kissed my second girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smiled & said, "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes were swollen like a walnut. I did not want to know what caused her to cry. Later that day, I returned from soccer training to get something & watched her cryin' the classroom for an hour or so. My fourth girlfriend did not like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she is not the type that will start the quarrel. However, I still sided my girlfriend. I shouted at her & ignored her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she was laughing & joking with me like nothing happened. I know she was hurt but she did not know deep down inside I was hurt too.

When I broke up with my fifth girlfriend, I asked her out. Later that day, I told her I had something to tell her. I told her about my breakup. Coincidentally, she has something to tell me too, about her getting together...

I knew who the person was. His pursuit for her had been the talk of the School. I did not show her my heartache, just smiles & best wishes. Once I reached home, I could not breathe. Tears rolled & I broke down. How many times have I seen her cry for the man who did not acknowledge her presence?

During graduation, I read a SMS in my mobile. It said, "Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay"


People call me Leaf...

During the 3 years of Pre-U, I was on very close terms with a guy as buddy kind. However, when he had his first girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 months. When they broke up, I hide my happiness. But after a month, he got together with another girl.

I liked him & I know he liked me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he loves me why he didn't he make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. After some time, I began to suspect that this was one-sided love. If he didn't like me, why did he treat me so well? It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. I know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out.

You can't expect me a girl, to ask him. Despite that, I still wanted to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, and love him. Hoping that one day, he will come to love me. Because of this, I waited for him. Sometimes, I wondered if I should continue waiting. The pain, the dilemma accompanied me for 3 years.

At the end of my 3rd year, a junior pursued me. Everyday he pursued me. He's like the cool & gentle wind, trying to blow off a leaf from a tree. In the end, I realized that I wanted to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know the wind will bring the leaf to a better land. Finally, leaf left the tree, but the tree only smiled & didn't ask me to stay. Leaf's departure is because of Wind's pursuit. Or cause Tree didn't ask her to stay...


People call me Wind...

Because I like a girl called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree, so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was 1 month after I was transferred to this new school. I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends, looking at him. When he talks with girls, there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like, she likes to look at him.

One day, she didn't appear. I felt something missing. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her.

Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accepts the note. The next day, she appeared & passes me a note and left.

It read, "Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away...รข€"

"It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree." I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me.

Within 4 months, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times.
Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine; I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know, she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope.

Hoping that she will agree to be my girlfriend. I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone.

I asked, "What are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?"
She said, "I'm nodding my head".
"Ah?" I could not believe my ears.
"I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly.

I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rushed to her place & pressed her doorbell. During the moment when she opens the door, I hugged her tightly

Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay...



In love, we win very rarely, but when love is true, even if you lose,you still win just for having the tingle of loving someone more than you love yourself.

There comes a time when we stop loving someone, not because that person has stopped loving us but because we have found out that, they'd be happier if we let go...

Why do we close our eyes when we sleep?
When we cry?
When we imagine?
When we kiss?


There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind, but keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world. It's the beginning of a new life. Happiness lies for those who cry those who hurt those who have searched and those who have tried. For only they can appreciate the importance of the people who have touched our lives.

A great love? It's when you shed tears and still you care for them, it's when they ignore you and still you long for them. It's when they begin to love another and yet you smile and say, "I'm happy for you." If love fails, set yourself free, let your heart spread its wings and fly again. Remember you may find love and lose it, but when love dies, you never have to die with it.

The strongest people are not those who always win but those who stand back up when they fall. Somehow, along the course of life, you learn about yourself and realize that there should never be regrets, only a lifelong appreciation of the choices you've made.

Loving is not how you forget but how you forgive, not how you listen but how you understand, not what you see but how you feel, and not how you let go but how you hold on.

It's more dangerous to weep inwardly rather than outwardly. Outward tears can be wiped away while secret tears scar forever...

P/S For Ayeen

Heheh.. royalti eh..? Tunggu kak Yong abis masters, pastu bleh la claim royalti.. :p

Monday, June 13, 2005

A penny a day.. could turn into RM 252.61 in 3 months :-)

Hehe.. I'm smiling!!

This month has been quite a hard month for me. Eventhough I managed to get my travel claims and was given my 'upah' for site searching, it seems like I haven't gotten the chance to save even a cent.

Ok.. ok.. it might be my fault. I mean, because of a book fair held at Kompleks Masyarakat Penyayang in Penang and because I was running outta my Clinique supplies, I DID spend a large portion for these two things. Hey, I only buy my supplies almost once a year, bukan selalu but as for books, I have to admit my weakness here (I bought about 10 books, including the ones I bought at Popular)

But then, I also have my dear Atos which suddenly thinks it's hilarious to play tricks on me by pretending to be sick. For the service I do every 5000km, I had to fork up RM 200 compared to the usual RM 105. Then after my good intention of making it feel like brand new, it HAD to cough up some smoke, exhausting all the water+coolant in the radiator. I dunno, maybe it just wanted the attention since I've been to busy to REALLY take care of it so just to make it feel better, I went to service the radiator which thankfully (at that time je la) cost only RM 70 BUT now its back to its spoilt pouty self and starting to buat perangai lagi.. aaaaarrrgghhh! Kak Shima said, I might have to pay RM 400 if I want to change to a new radiator, but the mechanic had earlier said that nothing was wrong so I just don't understand my Atos here!! Whatever it is, for safety measures, I'm going to Penang to see what the problem really is.. iskk.. isk.. babai 400 inggit.. waaaaa..

Anyway, just this afternoon, while waiting for kak Shima to come back home, I took out my 3 coin boxes that were already full. I was thinking of going to Tabung Haji tomorrow to deposit all those coins and just for the fun of it, I counted every cent there was in thos coin boxes (except a few 1 and 5 cent coins which are in another container).

Imagine my suprise and delight when I found out that I had a total of RM 252.61 in coins. Yippee, looks like I'm saving some money this month, alright!

To tell you the truth, I never was such a coin box person. When we were small, Abah bought me, Iwan and Adi a coin box each in the shape of 'chest of drawers' but the coin box just served as decorations for our book shelves. We never felt the need to save our allowances. We didn't even have a savings account except for my Bank simpanan Nasional account Mama opened for me when I was a baby but that account too, was left dusty in the bank.

The first serious account I had was my ASN account where I'd sometime save money relatives gave me but still, I only did it when I wanted to.

The person who taught me to save was really Kak Sue, a kakak at our office. I went with her one day when she wanted to find a coin box so I helped her choose the biggest one there is. She kept the coin box on her desk in the office and everyday, without fail, she saved some loose change in it. At first I wasn't interested. I mean, baik guna duit tu beli chocolate kat KM ke hehe.. but one day, kak Sue opened her coin box and started stacking the money in RM 1 stacks. How suprised I was to see the total was more than a hundred ringgit. Suddenly, I wanted to do the same.

The next day, we went to Pacific and presto! I bought my first REAL coin box. At first, the coin that went inside everyday was not much but as the coin box grew heavier, so did my excitement in filling the box up. I even competed with kak Sue on who would save the most and by the time my coin box was full, I had saved up to a total of more than a hundred ringgit.. yeay!

After that, there was no stopping me. I'm proud to say that my coinbox now has never been empty within 24 hours. Everyday, I put in some loose change in it, sometimes just a bit but sometime a handful. To date, I think I've save nearly RM 1000 in coins (though the truth is, I've used most of it for my masters fee and my car's insurance and road tax) But still, I enjoy saving money now. The satisfaction of seeing the fruit of your labour (though in small change) is just pure bliss.

Thank you kak Sue sebab ajar saya simpan duit syiling.. jom lawan lagi nak??

Friday, June 10, 2005

Entry for Mak Su hehe..

Mak Su.. ni entry untuk Mak Su

I had a chat with my friend Mak Su on YM just now. Maybe ade yang heran.. Mak Su? Friend? Hehe.. she is the youngest in her family and since she and her niece was in my class in AlMashoor, all of us got used to calling her Mak Su too.

Anyway, her chosen topic was very interesting for me. we were talking about a mutual friend (?) who was having problems.. the hati and perasaan type of problem!

Ok, let give a name to this friend. I'll call her Rory (ni gara² tgh chatting ngan Ramlah le ni..). Rory now is torn between two guys. The first guy is Dean (chewah.. sapa tgh Gilmore Girls, tau la..) who is a nice guy, pious (according to Mak su la.. I don't know, I've never seen him) and bla.. bla.. bla.. The only problem here is that he is too far away from Rory.

The other guy, lets call him Hero, is a nice guy jugak kot, but quite cheeky, nakal skit.. Hmm, maybe nakal banyak. The type of guy who looks tough, I guess. The type of guy some of us call bad boy with some characteristics I'd rather not say here. Another thing is that Hero already has a girlfriend BUT he's nearer to Rory.

Now, if I ask you, who would you pick, I'm sure everyone would say, "Dean!!"

But Rory prefers Hero! (Eventhough she DID ask me, kenapa kite suka pilih kaca w/pun permata ada depan mata?)

Arrrrrggggghhhh!!! <-- I can here some of you say this out loud!

But, for girls especially, be honest.. WHO is the one you'd really be attracted to?

As for me, my first instinct was to say, I'd choose Dean and I really wanted to shake Rory and tell her to open up her eyes that have been blinded by this crush she has on Hero but, a distant memory stopped me!

You see, once upon a time ago, I nearly had a crush on this guy who is also considered a bad boy! I say nearly here because I wasn't really head over heels but maybe I had this teeny-weeny attraction to him. I mean, when I think about it, there was nothing really special about him BUT his bad boy attitude did attract attention. I wouldn't really have anything to do with him if he didn't start anything. It started harmlessly and here I'm thankful that I don't really trust people that much, if not, I might have succumbed to his charms. Ok.. ok, I admit, he does have his charms. I mean, though he had this bad boy image, with me, he was different. A bit interestingly charming maybe (though I'd never admit it at the time). He talked to me more, lets say, gently.. even stayed up with me one night when I had to finish a group assignment (NOT IN MY ROOM LA.. online or on the phone, something like that) and refused to go to sleep even when it was too late for everyone.. ok la, sweet la jugak dia!

He even used his mom's name. Though I doubted about that even then but see, every girl has this weakness when it comes to mothers hehe..

Anyway, suddenly I felt that it wasn't my place to tell her to forget Hero. I mean, I sometimes still remember that guy too! All the things he said to me and everything he did.. well, nearly la, tak de la ingat semua.. my memory isn't that good. So, I guess I see what Rory see's in Hero.

I mean, c'mon la all you girls out there. Admit it, all of you have been attracted to guys with this bad boy image. I mean, look at Robbie Williams, though I don't understand what girls see in him, still a majority of girls are crazy for him. I'm sure, all of us have at least once in our lives, found these type of guys, amazing! I mean, duhh!!

But then, as all of us realize in the end.. is this the type of guy we want to spend our lives with? When we get over our crush, we will suddenly see all the obstacles, all the cons.. and yet, we'd never forget how special it felt! How alive you feel with them.. but still, in the end..

Like Dr Jean Gray (ok.. ok.. I watch XMen too much maybe) said to Wolverine, "Girls are attracted to bad boys, but not as someone they'd take home to their family". Deep in our hearts, we know its true! So Rory, I hope you make the wise choice..

I mean seriously, between Cyclop and Wolverine, who you rather spend your fun time with? But then again, who's the one you'll introduce to your parents? It's really obvious, right?

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

For my friend, Un

I met with Un today. She came to the campus and how glad I was to see her. It seems that my mood goes up a notch everytime I met an old friend.

Now me and Un, are not THAT old friends. I knew her in KMK but never really talked to her. We were in the same block and in KMK, the same block means only two dorms where she was downstairs and I was upstairs. I really got to know her in 1st year. We were coursemates and since we stayed in the same 'desa', I started to get to know her.

She's the type of girl who really doesn't care what anyone says about her and how I admired that trait in her. I mean, at an age where what everyone says matters, she didn't even blink an eye.. wow! I mean, here I was, this meek and nervous girl, and she was the complete opposite of me. It was fun to hang out with her, I used to do my assignments with her since we were both in the same group. We once even skipped class together (my real first and last experience of skipping class) when I went to her room to 'force' her to go to class with me when Yun refused to leave her blissful sleep. It still ended with me not going to class, anyway hehe..

In my second year, we remained good friends but I became closer to her in my final year. We took arabic together, and sangat malu when she got a better grade than I did, considering that I've been taking arabic since form 1.

The last time I met her was just a couple of months ago, when I went to Pahang for Lin's wedding. We didn't get to catch up with each others lives that much, though I got to know about a sad thing that happened to her twice. Sorry Un, I didn't know what to say when you told me about it but you are strong.. masih cam dulu lagi, and I still admire you for that!

Anyway, when she told me she was coming, I was really excited. Nasib baik dah amik cuti! She came with Nazomi (her husband) and she's still the same Un, except, shes more ladylike now hehehe..

After an hour of talking at the cafe, we went back to my house to pray and continue our probing into each other's lives. We talked about nearly everything. About her job, my research, her family in laws (where she has a mother in law who just loves to cook, making her claim that she won't go hungry in that Nazomi's house hehe), our friends.. and the list goes on..

Then, out of nowhere, she asked me about the card I displayed at my closet, given to me by kak Wahid once upon a time ago. Dumbfounded at first, I tried to change the topic, but I forgot that along with her strong personality is her ability to be resistant and soon I found myself telling her a shorter version of my experience of being heart broken.

I've never been someone who opens up much, in fact, even with my close friends, I have this wall where I keep most of my feelings (Alamak! Finally mengaku..) but suddenly I found a different me talking to her. I guess, these things just change people. Some of my friends who knew what happened all say the same thing. They say I'm different now, maybe a bit more open than what I once was.

Anyway, as usual, Un gave me her point of view. She reminded me how once her bed was where I used to cry whenever I was upset (I was such a crybaby then, still am tapi kurang la dari dulu). Somehow, what she said, DID hit right home. I just listened. I didn't know how to react but here, I'll tell you what I wanted to say.

Especially for Un

Ape awak cakap kat saya hari tu, saya terima! Tapi kan, saya dah tak nak percaya. Saya takut if I missunderstood or misinterpreted anything. Saya dah jeapordize something beautiful and right at the time when I needed it. Eventhough saya try betulkan keadaan masa awal² tu, but I guess maybe benda dah too broken to be mended. I tried, seriuosly I did but tak de benda jadi. Nak menyesal pun dah terlambat.

Saya tau, awak still cam dulu, concerned for your friends and I really appreciate it. Awak made me feel better about myself hari tu but to be honest, I don't want to hope for things to get better between me and him. Cukup dah kot, for two years, I couldn't think of anything else, saya nak lupa je buat masa sekarang. One day, it might be different but selagi saya tak let go, things will still be the same for me and I won't go on!

Un, I wish I was as strong as you. Ape jadi kat awak was something more heart breaking, and eventhough dalam awak may be shattered, you managed to be brave on the outside, and how I envy you on this strength of yours.. pray that I'll be like you, ok!

Thank you, Un. I haven't felt this good in a long time. I'm glad you're my friend

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Is tihs prue rbbusih, or an anamizg scinfitiec dicsevory?

I got this a few months ago in an email from a friend but I had deleted it before I managed to save it. However, another friend of mine forwarded this mssage in my Yahoo! Messenger, thus reuniting me with this message which I gladly share to everyone reading my blog.. enjoy!

(because of this amazing knowledge, I've had to retype the above paragraph a few times due to some spelling errors, not suprisingly made by my brain when it realized the power of a human's mind)

Message:if you're a person who could understand and read simple english, read this. if you're not too smart, then dont waste your time and risk giving yourself a headache.

SMART ONES, read on...

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt! Tahts so cool!!! If you can udernatnsd tihs rdanieg, rpeost it!!!

Quite easy dont ya think so?"

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Whaaatt?? My blood not good enough, aaa?

I'm upset!

This morning, I discarded my usual better-late-than-never attitude and woke up at the first ring of the alarm. After performing my Subuh prayers, I dashed to the showers while humming a tune to myself.. in a very good mood, I must say. I had planned to go and service my car, then head to the hospital for blood donation and go to the tyre service centre to readjust the alignment and balancing of the four wheels of my dear Atos but BEFORE that, a quick breakfast at Taman Tun Sardon, IF I arrive in Penang before 8.45 la.. yummy!!

Anyway, I started from home at around 7.45am and went to Shell for some petrol (Would you believe that a full tank now costs RM 47?? Mahal giler.. pokai aaa canni..) Met Faezah there who was also giving her scooter the treat of expensive petrol haha.. Pakai baju nak sama plak tu.. Paijah, kite buat kump nasyid lah pasnih eh.. :)

Then I went straight to Penang. Since I arrived around 8.30, I went to Taman Tun Sardon for my dose of yummy sandwiches and teh suam before heading to Mr Lye's service centre. I arrived quite early, in fact, I was the first customer maaaa.. but my servicing took quite a long time since a lot of things had to be serviced. Pikir² balik, kalau duit service keta selama ni buat simpan, mesti byk dah kannn

At precisely 10.00am, my car was ready. After paying for the bill, I went straight to the hospital. Now, if you've been to Penang's GH, you'd know how HARD it is to get a parking space. I had to go round in circles before I decided to park outside, RIGHT ON the yellow line. I was hoping that since I went there for a good reason, God will help take care of my car so it won't get any summons or tickets.. Penat dah asyik kena saman ni sampai rasa as if, saman dan Ayu sangat sinonim hehe..

At the Blood Bank, as usual, I filled up the required form as needed. The hardest part, as usual, is the part where I have to weigh myself haha.. 15 kali pegi sana, 15 kali la pujuk Dr tu tanak timbang, assuring them, "Berat saya lebih dari 45kg, tak yah timbang pun takpe" hehe.. Silap! Kalau campur time yang tak boleh kasik darah (hemoglobin rendah la.. tekanan darah rendah la..), banyak kali tu memalukan diri sendiri timbang berat badan depan orang.. Most unforgettable masa ade Doctor yang very handsome, macam best je masa dia check darah semua tu (Ayu sangat gatal haha.. ) tapi bila nak timbang, ade ke dia cakap,"Takut timbang tu tak cukup skala ke".. Cesss, sangat hampeh.. Harap handsome je..

Anyway, the normal procedure was to check the blood pressure after the blood test for hemoglobin count and blood type, so I went into the Dr's room for the usual checkup. Being used to the questions, I just nodded or shaked my head at the appropriate questions (borrrrrrrriing!!). Then when it came to one question, which I've always passed before this, the Dr just looked at me unbelievingly!

Ok.. the first time the Health Ministry administered this regulation was in year 2003 where whomever had ever reside in the UK or other countries in Europe for more than 6 months between 1980 to 1986 (kebetulan I stayed there in 82 to 86) weren't allowed to donate blood. Apparantly, during that period, the cows over there weren't vaccinated with the mad cow diesease vaccine yet. Since nearly everyday, we'd consume fresh milk, the ministry was worried that we may be the carrier of the diesease. Pembawa tau.. bukan pesakit heheh.. The odds were low, kalau tak silap, 95% bukan pembawa la, tp kerajaan still takut gak la dengan yang 5% lagi ni sebab according to the doctor, tests for this diesease ni kurang ade kat Malaysia since Malaysia takde masalah Mad Cow Diesease pun

I remember when I first got to know about it. The doctor was a young Indian lady at that time, but when she saw my donation records, she inquired about my case to her colleague and I was allowed to donate since my previous donations didn't have any problem. If I'm not mistaken, after the regulation, I have donated 3 more times so I was REALLY sure that it wouldn't be a problem for me anyway.

But this morning, the Dr wasn't someone I was familiar with. She must be an Iranian or something. She asked me who gave permission for me to doante for the ones after the regulation and stressed that I couldn't donate, no matter what! Waaa.. sedih nya.. and knowing me, before long, I had tears brimming in my eyes w/pun Dr tu sangat baik. dia bukan marah pun.. tapi sedih jugak.. :'(

Seeing me so upset, (blum la nangis lagi.. malu weh.. control..), the Dr, Dr Azza was her name, consoled me by saying that 'niat je pun dapat pahala dah'.. Then she said, she'd check with her colleagues to see if I can be excused and bla.. bla.. bla.. But from her face, I knew that she didn't believe I could, she still looked shocked about me donating even after the regulation was administered. Still, she promised to call me but the bottom line was, I couldn't do it.. EVER!!

I admit, I really was upset! Can't really describe why.. its just that, all this while, I always find donating blood very soothing. I mean, I don't have lots of money to donate, nor am I able to be missionaries to other countries. I'm not the goody² type, more prone to doing mistakes than doing good but in this small contribution, I feel almost humane! If I feel like I've done wrong, after doing this, I at least feel as if I've given a bit of myself to the society. It is one thing I love doing and wouldn't mind doing.

I remember the first time. Abah wanted to send Izati and Iskandar to the dentist. I was bored at home, dah abis matriks kaaaan masa tu, tunggu surat USM je. Dah berapa ari dah terfikir nak try.. try je! I mean, NST tiap² ari kuar berita pasal orang derma darah.. teringin la plak, especially since I was afraid of needles. Konon, bleh buat therapy la bg ilang takut kat jarum. So when I kenw about Izati and Iskandar's dental appoinment, ape lagi, nak ikut la..

Berbalah gak la ngan Abah. He wasn't keen on letting me do it but, as a softie as I am with him, when I really make up my mind, I can be really obstinate! Stubborn as a mule! so lastly, dia bagi pergi but all the way dari Sg Ara to the Hospital, kena la layan dia berleter.. yup! Abah sangat terror berleter hehe..

Abah: Nanti darah tu, ntah sape² yang dapat
Me : Alaa Abah ni, Tuhan kan suh tolong sumer orang..
Abah: Jarum dia guna, you'll never know what germs ade kat situ
Me : Diorg kan hospital, mesti la disinfect dulu..
Abah: Kalau pitam cammana?
Me : Abah ni, I kan banyak darah.. baik bagi org, bleh gak orang guna..
lagipun I sihat je ape?
Abah: You takde keje lain ke nak buat? Byk lagi benda bleh buat nak tolong orang
Me : I mana keje lagi.. <-- jawapan loyar buruk
Abah: What has gotten into you?
Me : Alaa.. dlm NST tu, ramai je org dah buat.. ni bukannya abnormal punya benda
Abah: Cuba fikir ape kebaikan dia?
Me : Nnt kalau you nak darah I boleh bagi.. you kan darah AB, mine is A
Abah: Huh?
Me : Laa.. I boleh derma kat you la maknanya..
You ni, kata lecturer bio.. (tp dlm hati je la ayat ni hehe..)
Abah: Ye lah.. ok, ape cons dia?
Me : Err Abah, bukan I ke patut tanya benda tu kat you..?
Abah: Huh? Err.. You ni DEGIL betul la
Me : (Dalam hati) Keturunan, nak buat canner.. hahah..

Anyway, since the first time was ok, I resolved to do it every 3 months or so and so far, I've kept my promise (except masa final year and last year.. too busy!) I even know the pak cik who keeps the record though I regret to always forget his name since it seems like I won't be going there anymore. That pak cik has always been kind, always asks about Adi and Iwan since I had once brought Iwan and Adi along for their first blood donation! If the blood bank comes to USM (which is like, always!), he always comes to talk to me whenever its my turn, just like long buddies. Even when I gained weight last year pun pak cik tu bleh tegur haha.. sangat maluuuuu!

Anyway, back to the current days.. Dr Azza then talked a bit to me, she asked me not to be too upset (that just caused me to want to cry lagi.. selalu sensitif kalau canni.. sbb tu kalau demam ke ape ke, I'd rather keep quiet sbb kalau ade je orang tunjuk concern, mula la banjir haha.. cam the time demam masa Ramdhan, org dah duk elok² diam² kat bilik Pah, then Abg Sher, my most irritating cousin, masuk bilik and tanya baik je,"Ayu demam ke? Cian adik abang".. Waaa, trus banjir.. bengong nyer abg Sher, saje nak bg org nangis.. Abg Sher pun muka blur kuar bilik,"Sher tak buat ape pun kat dia..")

But Dr Azza was nice, thats why I tried my best to force the tears to stop. Sedih gak, tapi cam mengada pun ade, sebijik cam budak kecik nangis tak dapat candy hehe..

I mean, why me? <-- Sentot mesti gelak baca ni hahah
Kenapa bukan other people yang couldn't be bothered? Yang lawak tu, mad cow diesease tuh hahah.. Patut la kengkadang leh jadi giler semacam hehe.. Opppssss, I'm NOT infected tau!!

Anyway.. I'm still upset.. :'(