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Wednesday, June 08, 2005

For my friend, Un

I met with Un today. She came to the campus and how glad I was to see her. It seems that my mood goes up a notch everytime I met an old friend.

Now me and Un, are not THAT old friends. I knew her in KMK but never really talked to her. We were in the same block and in KMK, the same block means only two dorms where she was downstairs and I was upstairs. I really got to know her in 1st year. We were coursemates and since we stayed in the same 'desa', I started to get to know her.

She's the type of girl who really doesn't care what anyone says about her and how I admired that trait in her. I mean, at an age where what everyone says matters, she didn't even blink an eye.. wow! I mean, here I was, this meek and nervous girl, and she was the complete opposite of me. It was fun to hang out with her, I used to do my assignments with her since we were both in the same group. We once even skipped class together (my real first and last experience of skipping class) when I went to her room to 'force' her to go to class with me when Yun refused to leave her blissful sleep. It still ended with me not going to class, anyway hehe..

In my second year, we remained good friends but I became closer to her in my final year. We took arabic together, and sangat malu when she got a better grade than I did, considering that I've been taking arabic since form 1.

The last time I met her was just a couple of months ago, when I went to Pahang for Lin's wedding. We didn't get to catch up with each others lives that much, though I got to know about a sad thing that happened to her twice. Sorry Un, I didn't know what to say when you told me about it but you are strong.. masih cam dulu lagi, and I still admire you for that!

Anyway, when she told me she was coming, I was really excited. Nasib baik dah amik cuti! She came with Nazomi (her husband) and she's still the same Un, except, shes more ladylike now hehehe..

After an hour of talking at the cafe, we went back to my house to pray and continue our probing into each other's lives. We talked about nearly everything. About her job, my research, her family in laws (where she has a mother in law who just loves to cook, making her claim that she won't go hungry in that Nazomi's house hehe), our friends.. and the list goes on..

Then, out of nowhere, she asked me about the card I displayed at my closet, given to me by kak Wahid once upon a time ago. Dumbfounded at first, I tried to change the topic, but I forgot that along with her strong personality is her ability to be resistant and soon I found myself telling her a shorter version of my experience of being heart broken.

I've never been someone who opens up much, in fact, even with my close friends, I have this wall where I keep most of my feelings (Alamak! Finally mengaku..) but suddenly I found a different me talking to her. I guess, these things just change people. Some of my friends who knew what happened all say the same thing. They say I'm different now, maybe a bit more open than what I once was.

Anyway, as usual, Un gave me her point of view. She reminded me how once her bed was where I used to cry whenever I was upset (I was such a crybaby then, still am tapi kurang la dari dulu). Somehow, what she said, DID hit right home. I just listened. I didn't know how to react but here, I'll tell you what I wanted to say.

Especially for Un

Ape awak cakap kat saya hari tu, saya terima! Tapi kan, saya dah tak nak percaya. Saya takut if I missunderstood or misinterpreted anything. Saya dah jeapordize something beautiful and right at the time when I needed it. Eventhough saya try betulkan keadaan masa awal² tu, but I guess maybe benda dah too broken to be mended. I tried, seriuosly I did but tak de benda jadi. Nak menyesal pun dah terlambat.

Saya tau, awak still cam dulu, concerned for your friends and I really appreciate it. Awak made me feel better about myself hari tu but to be honest, I don't want to hope for things to get better between me and him. Cukup dah kot, for two years, I couldn't think of anything else, saya nak lupa je buat masa sekarang. One day, it might be different but selagi saya tak let go, things will still be the same for me and I won't go on!

Un, I wish I was as strong as you. Ape jadi kat awak was something more heart breaking, and eventhough dalam awak may be shattered, you managed to be brave on the outside, and how I envy you on this strength of yours.. pray that I'll be like you, ok!

Thank you, Un. I haven't felt this good in a long time. I'm glad you're my friend

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