Wednesday, September 07, 2016

When The Past Says Hi =)

One of the ups of working at odd hours (read: tak sama ngan org lain) is that I can avoid people if I want. And since that has been the case for the past few years, am glad that my classes are only at night. This way, I can do my chores siang² hari tanpa risau terserempak ngan sesapa..

..or so I thought!

I had a late lunch and decided to do some shopping at Yawata for some groceries. Memang nak amik parcel pun so it was perfect (post office depan tu je pun)

After buying the essential, I was heading to my car when I noticed the akak kuih. I wasn't really hungry tp tatau la nape tergerak hati nak beli jugak kuih. I was busy choosing (a'ah, pilih kuih can be quite a chore :p) when I realized someone stnding right beside me. Thinking I was in his way of choosing his own kuih, I stepped aside but he didn't budge. When I glanced toward him, I immediately laughed when I realized it was Bani with his signature grin.

My first thought was, "Bani!!" and my grin was just as wide as his. However, my second one was, "Alamak! Tak sempat nak sorok!"

As I was wracking my brains trying to find an excuse to balik cepat so tak yah nak sembang², he gestured towards a table saying, "Bani tunggu kak Ayu kat situ" without giving me time to think of a not-so-lame excuse. Watching him walk back to his food, I decided to just chit chat for 5 minutes then tell him I had to go err, somewhere(?).

However, my 5 minutes turned into more than 2 hours. I sat down with him around 3pm and by the time we looked at our watches, it was past 5.15pm and still we had more to talk about. Gossip la terutamanya hehe.. Banyaknyaaaaa benda yg jadi since I left ;)

I learnt about his daughter's sickness and how she's coping (siap pujuk budak lagi besar dari dia ckp, "Takpe abang, tak sakit pun.. Jgn nangis tau!") Sblm ni mmg la tau tp through FB je. I wanted to ask tp time tu dia pun tgh sibuk² so baruuuuu skrg la I got to know about it. Then I realized his eldest, Aniq, whom I used to make cupcakes for utk birthdays dia time kecik, is already attending primary school. Macam, "Whaaaattt?! Where did the years go to?!"

I also learnt yg Bani dah tuko ke Pejabat Pengarah instead of our school and that dah ade technician baru dah kt Awam. Yg gossips tu tayah la share sini walaupun bkn org baca my blog pun.. tp bahayaaaaa ngehehehe :p

I realized then how I miss all of them. This group of people yg I considered family once upon a time ago. Yg dulu I met almost everyday. Gang² bersembang, gang² program utk Water Group (ye, atas tusemua org water except me and Bani haha.. Sesat budak HiTEG sorg :p), gang² share rahsia hati sbb kene paksa ngan Yun just sbb dia boring on our journey back to campus pas abis yet another water workshop (ohhhh the horror!) and mcm² lagi lah. These were the people who shared (mostly) laughter and kadang² shared the pain too..

Sebelum balik tu, Bani pesan, "Kak Ayu lepas ni tak payah dah la sorok² lagi dari kitorg tau!" I felt a bit guilty lepas tu sbb just because of a mistake I made, I pushed away these great people in my life.

Am still not brave enough (read: malu la kot) to meet them, but I'm trying. Learning. Growing up. I don't really wanna lose these people who made me smile dulu so here to hoping I'd get over it =)

Saturday, September 03, 2016

When He made me smile

The past few months have been a bit 'disturbing' for me. Not in a 'messing with my life' kinda way, more like a 'messing with my head' thingey.

It's hard sometimes trying to do the right thing and be the right kind of person when your heart wants to wander off to a no man's land. At first I just shrugged it off, convincing myself the feelings were temporary with no basis whatsoever. But somehow, its getting harder and harder to reprimand myself nowadays.

I guess I just have to admit, age is catching up with me and try as might, sometimes I'm scared to think about the future, of being alone specifically. I know, I know.. semua dah tersurat dalam luh mahfuz.. but I'm just a human being with faults.

Like last night, I was suddenly overcome with this sadness and self-pity. I was wallowing in this kinda feeling till I fell asleep. Then this morning, after Subuh, I did my usual Quran recital and one ayat I was reading caught my eyes (and heart, I must say, as I kept thinking about it even after I've turned the page) 

Now I must admit, I may have taken Arabic Language for 5 years (B. Arab Tinggi for 2 of those years plak tu) but I'm not really fluent in the language nor can I make simple conversations *ok, malu!* so I didn't really understand what I had read. But somehow, that ayat kept coming back to me so after finishing, I went online to Google the meaning. This below is the ayat I was talking about. From surah An Najm verse 45

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَٰنِ الرَّحِيمِ

وَأَنَّهُ خَلَقَ الزَّوْجَيْنِ الذَّكَرَ وَالْأُنْثَىٰ

This one is the tafsir of it: 
And that He creates the two mates - the male and female -
I almost laughed out loud (actually, I think I did!). It was if He was assuring me not to worry.. made me smile too! :)
And suddenly things don't seem so bleak after all. Leave everything to Him as He knows best =) And I'm gals that that's the thought I'm starting my day with today!

P/S It just occurred to me: The last birthday card I ever got from IM, my 23rd, he had written the tafsir of this ayat right at the top of his card to me, no explanation, with a birthday wish below it. Two months after that, we stopped talking.. I don't think I'll ever understand WHY he put this in my card..