...just a place for me to go rambling over everything currently happening in my life, sometimes, even to the tiniest detail. And whatever that's unfortunate enough to happen to cross my mind at the very moment when I feel like jotting down something ;)
♪ And just.. Let her cry If the tears fall down like rain Let her sing If it eases all her pain Let her go Let her walk right out on me And if the sun comes up tomorrow Let her be Let her be ♫
I'm blaming Yun on this for her 'confession-session' in the car otw back here from Pahang last week. Tetibe je she asked Bani about how he met his wife, then dan² sumer org pun kene citer something ala² gitu.. Knowing I don't have anything to tell pun, I thought I'd be off the hook, sekali, kene jugakkkk.. cissss!
Well, ok! Its actually been bugging me since I noticed the date so tak leh la salahkan Yun 100% kan.. I know its silly, but I can't help dreading it.. and its my damn birthday la pulak!
You see, this Wednesday and Thursday (23rd and 24th respectively) we'll be having our 2nd Civil Engineering Colloquium. Quite overdue since our first one was around 5 years ago.
5 years ago, we also had it on Wednesday and Thursday (24th and 25th if I'm not mistaken.. but in May). It was a blast for all of us though we didn't have enough sleep prior to the event itself but we were happy working together, doing something for AcePRO and all other postgrad students.
I remember the night before when all of us gathered in the post grad room arranging all the files and wrapping all gifts that were to be given to presenters and smoothing out all things that come entangled in the last minute. There was abg Fadzil, Choong, Remy, Fared, Pojie, Lie, Rashwan, Dgon, Ramlah, Rinnie, Ramadhan.. and thats just naming a few (well, we weren't that much then but we did our job anyway ☺)
All in all, we really enjoyed ourself though I really felt like fainting right before my presentation hahah.. my nerves were so bad. But still, we had a really good time..
..and the good time continued till the next day when we were still talking of our successful 1st big event.
Then around 10am, Erwan cam to me telling me about the invitation card he received from his ex-girlfriend. He wasn't sure if he should go or something and since I was still in the 'high', I teased him mercilessly and terlupe balasan Tuhan bleh bg bile² je..
3 hours later, during the solat Jumaat, I was found crying in the post grad room, trying to be as quite as possible (I'm not the wailing type.. at least THAT, I know!) but still noticed by all.
I thought my heart had been done broken but it turned out, no matter how small the pieces of my heart had become when it had last been broken, it could still be shattered into a million more pieces.. all by the same person who could still bring a tear now and then years later.
But this time I knew I had to let go for good, maybe that was why I just couldn't stop myself from crying. I didn't even manage to run and hide at home as I received the news at school and could only hide at school before trying (but failing miserably) to go back home.
I guess the whole postgrad room must've seen how much I wore my heart on my sleeve that day. My broken heart was exposed to everyone to see no matter how much I tried to hide it. It was one of the worst days in my life.. well, at least in the 'heart-matters' department but sometimes, I could still feel the pain I felt then.
A few days later, I went to Ramlahs cube and noticed a song she was playing as well as some copied lyrics. When I asked her what it was, she quickly hid the file with her hand but after perstering her, she told me that she was talking to Pojie when I was crying and song was what had come to their mind then. I wanted to cry again then but I pretended to laugh, just because I didn't want them to know how much I was hurting..
Let Her Cry ~ Hootie and the Blowfish
She sits alone by a lamppost
Trying to find a thought that's escaped her mind
She says Dad's the one I love the most
But Stipe's not far behind
She never lets me in
Only tell me where's she's been
When she's had too much to drink.
I say that I don't care
I just run my hands through her dark hair
Then I pray to God you gotta help me fly away
Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be
Let her be
This morning I woke up alone
Found a note standing by the phone
Saying 'Baby, maybe I'll be back some day'
I wanted to look for you
You walked in I didn't know just what I should do
So I sat back down and had a beer
And felt sorry for myself.
Last nite I tried to leave
She cried so much I just could not believe
She was the same girl
I fell in love with long ago
She went in the back to get high
I sat down on my couch and cried yelling
Oh mama please help me
Won't you hold my hand.
Oh God, now I feel like crying again.. ='(
I dunno why but I always feel like history just loves to repeat itself. And the reason I'm dreading my birthday is because its the day after the colloquium AND its on a Friday AND I'm quite enjoying the last minute preparations, JUST LIKE 5 YEARS AGO.. I don't really want to get anymore bad news, no matter what the nature and I don't wanna wear my heart on my sleeve just like I did on that day 5 years ago..
..and I wanna enjoy my birthday!
But somehow, I have been having this bad feeling eversince I noticed the coincidences ='(
So what I've done is: Avoid all things that might be cause of hurt to me and trying not to enjoy things too much!
Yup.. I've finally managed to take out the wretched tooth. The one thats been giving me so much agony for the past few months and which always has given me a problem everytime I wanted to go to the dentist to extract it. The last one being, "Gusi awak bengkak so sy tak boleh nak cabut gigi kalau gusi bengkak. Sile makan ubat ni dan datang jumpe sy balik bile gusi awak dah tak bengkak", said the motherly dentist of USM dental clinic in USM Penang a.k.a the dentist yg come here to our campus every.. err, Thursday?
It was an outta the blue kinda decision. Actually, my gums have been fine for month but perasaan takut malas nak pegi cabut gigi overcame me so I never really made the effort until a few days ago.
Last week Yun had been complaining of her own tooth and suddenly on Tuesday, I had an out of body experience where my hand suddenly picked up the phone and promptly made an appointment for my tooth extraction. I wasn't afraid or anything jugak (Well, usually I'm not among those who are afraid of dentist, in fact I usually make sure I get my twice-a-year dental check. Its the tooth-extraction that gets me since I've never had one of those kot.. and maybe because of a traumatic experience when my dentist pulled out the front teeth when I was smaller!)
It was okay until 5 minutes to my appointment where I started regretting making the appointment. Yun (who also made an appointment but never got to the extraction part after the dentist offered,"Nak cabut ke atau tampal je?" <--Huh! Tak aci!) seemed relaxed so I didn't wanna show that I was starting to be afraid.
The dentist was as kind as ever. People tell me that its one of the worst pain, while some tell me its when they wanna 'bius' you which is the most painful.. so OF COURSE LA SY TAKUT GILER!
..which I found out was a waste of time coz I didn't notice when she finished with me! Hahahah..
I DID notice her applying pressure but it wasn't the 'pain' type so I was suprised when she put some clean gauze into my mouth and asked me to bite on it, then proceeded to give me a few packs of gauze to 'replace them when they get soggy'.
Huh? Dah abis ke? Nape tak sakit pun?!?!
Hahaha.. and now I feel like a fool sbb takut sgt berbulan² about this tooth extraction!
When the anesthetic had worn off, I was a bit afraid of the pain but instead I only felt a dull thud now and then.. tu je! Hahhhh! Sgt malu ok..
Tho I still can't eat. Not because of the pain (which btw, mmg takde!) but because I'm conscious of the gaping hole on where my tooth once was (mcm terbayang makanan tersekat kat dlm lubang yg blum tertutup itu.. acikah?)
So now, I'm the proud owner of a bloody wisdom tooth still in the plastic the dentist had given me. I no longer have any wisdom tooth in my mouth since this was the ONLY one which dared to come out thus making my teeth in a total of 28 semula!
Let's just see if I lose any wisdom (selame ni berwisdom sgt ke, Ayu?) with the loss of my wisdom tooth, eh? IF, I can get any clumsier and sillier than I am now haha..
Btw, org melayu ckp, klau gigi belakang dah tumbuh, tak leh tinggi dah! How bout klau dah tumbuh then kite gi cabut, adekah sy masih boleh meninggi?!?!
I was born in Penang a zillion few years ago but spent the first two years of my life a few hundred miles away from Penang and the next four years, a few thousand miles away. I only really came back to Penang as I was entering standard 1 of my primary school thus, I was ‘deprived’ of growing up among Penangites. Since my parents were also not from Penang, no one talked in the Penang dialect at home but I was lucky when I went to SKSG since most of my friends are just like me. A huge chunk of us were offsprings of the staff from USM so not everyone was what you’d say, Penang Piau!
Then I entered form 1 in AlMashoor, and imagine the ‘culture shock’ I suffered!
Most of us were from around Penang and Kedah so everyone talked in the Penang dialect, even in class sometimes during Bahasa lessons. I felt like the odd one out with the difference in the way I spoke to everyone. But most of the girls were nice and never stopped trying to teach me the ‘correct’ way of conversing Penang-style. Though yes, I made a lot of mistakes. For example, any word ending with ‘r’ in the standard Malay language with be turned into ending with ‘q’ like air=ayaq, besar=besaq, ular=ulaq. I once said ‘petiaq’ for ‘petir’ which left my dormates laughing tak hengat haha.. that was the last time I tried talking in the Penang dialect for a very long time.
Anyway, now I consider myself quite good in the Penang dialect (mati la kene gelak ngan Bai ngan Bart pasni if they read this!) but I only talk that way when I’m confortable with the person I’m talking with and only if he/she talks that way to me too (I’m back in USM where, once again as in SKSG, talking in the Penang dialect isn’t the main ‘language’ here)
Still, sometimes when reading what my friends write in their FB statuses, I sometimes remember how hard and confusing it was once upon a time ago haha..
Confusing? You might wonder why I say its confusing especially if you’re the Penang Piau clan but to me, some words made me question the complexity of the Malay language. You see, Penangites use a lot of standard Malay words, unlike some other state dialect where some words are totally unrecognizable. But Penangites sure love to twist the words around till it doesn’t mean the same as it should in the standard version.
I’ve made a list of those words here:
Kami: Is supposed to mean ‘us’ in standard Malay but Penangites especially children love using it as a substitute to ‘I’ or ‘saya’. I myself used that until cikgu Noerida taught me to use ‘saya’ which (some might say) unfortunately, I’m still using till now instead of the usual ‘aku’ everyone else uses haha..
Bilang: means ‘kira’ or ‘count’ or ‘calculate' kannn? But in Penang, bilang means ‘bagitau’. I remember being confused on why my friend wanted to ‘bilang kat mak kami’. I wondered how many mothers did she have hehe..
Lagu ni: which should mean ‘this song’ but to them, it means ‘like this’. When my friend taught me to do it ‘lagu ni’, I almost imagined her wanting to sing out to me as she taught me how to sew in our Kemahiran Hidup class
Eksyen: Ok.. ni bkn Malay word but derived from the word ‘action’ kot, I supposed. Action means like ‘perbuatan’, right? But to these people, eksyen means ‘show-off’. I had a friend who liked showing off a bit during standard 1 coz she came from a rich family and when the other kids called her ‘eksyen’, I almost laughed. Especially since you have to have a certain way to say if for it to sound right!
Tak dan: This was confusing as ‘tak’ means ‘not’ and dan means ‘and’ which is ridiculous with no meaning at all. But here, it means ‘tak sempat’ or ‘not enough time’
Tak dan dan: Those words still mean the same in standard Malay but this time it means ‘tak sabo²’ heheh..
Lapaq ayaq: which means ‘hungry for water’.. go figure! Hahah.. Abah (a Perakian!) use to say ‘dahaga nasik’ (thirsty for rice) just to poke fun in it as it was something we didn’t quite understand then but I’ve grown to miss hearing someone say this ☺
Segan: This should mean ‘shy’ or ‘malu’ but to them it means ‘lazy’. Hahah.. I remember Yun who was sleeping in the same cubicle as Yana. Yana was a Kedahan (the Kedah Piau sort) and Yun was a Johorian. One day, Yana told Yun, “Aku segan la nak basuh baju” which made Yun confused on why she felt SHY in washing her clothes hahah..
Pada la: ‘pada’ is like ‘with’ la camtu.. but in Penang, ‘pada laaa..’ means ‘patut la’ or ‘no wonder’.. see, mane sy tak konpius! Heheh.. when I told Bart about how I got a cut in my hand a few years ago, she said, ‘pada la’ and I was wondering what she meant by it since in standard Malay, itu agak tergantung kaaannn..
Mintak nyawa: Ni paling menakutkan haha.. I actually turned around in panic when I heard my junior say this during sports day at Westlands. I thought she was having a heart attack or something since it literally means ‘asking for a soul/life’ but it turned out she was just out of breath after entering the race. Really made me think that these Penangites are Drama Queens indeed!
Teriak: When I was in form 1, it was the first time for most of us to stay in the hostel, away from home. So it was normal to see a girl crying for being a bit home-sick. One day, my friend was crying quietly as it was her first day in the hostel (unlike most of us who have been in the hostel for one whole month then). After trying to console her, we left her to cry quietly at the back of the class then another friend asked what was the matter with the crying girl. Then Mak Su said, “Dia teriak!” and I was stubbornly telling them, “Dia tak teriak la, dia nangis je..” which made me be the laughing stock of the class for a while coz while I knew ‘teriak’ meant ‘shout’, my friends are more familiar with it meaning ‘cry’. Maunye sy tak konpius, budak tu nangis pelan je pun haha..
Simpan buang: This from kak Wan, a Kedahan, who married Dr Burn who’s from Melaka. After diner one night, she told her daughter to ‘simpan buang’ all the leftovers when her mother-in-law quickly protested on why nak ‘buang’, lauk tu elok lagi heheh..
1 duit: or when said fast would sound like ‘satu dek’ which I thought meant ‘satu adik’ haha.. ade ke jual beli gune adik?!?! Boleh kah Ayu? I always protested and stubbornly said 1 sen coz to me, duit can be any coin or banknote and not just confined to the one-cent coin
Gurmit: Which I thought was the name of a Singh but actually meant a ‘pencil sharpener’
Well, that’s not all but I can’t recall the other words right now. Its because of this that tho, as I said earlier, I’m quite good in my Penang dialect (haha.. pasan!), I could never bring myself to use these expressions.
Still, I’m not writing about this to condemn the Penang dialect or something. But its because talking to Yan, Diana and Bart a few Fridays ago (when they laughingly said behind my back that I was ‘pi hampaq tikaq semayang kat Masjid Parit Buntaq’ just because I didn’t reply to the FB thread started by Bart), I realize I miss hearing my friends talking like that and funnily enough, I also miss hearing them laugh at the way I talk too..
..and something else I just realized, its in hearing anyone near me talk in the Penang/Northern dialect do I really feel more at home!
Sundays are usually my rest day since I have class the whole week long. Bayangkan, tiap malam from Monday to Saturday ade class, with an afternoon one (2.15~4.15pm) too on Saturday so Sunday mmg sgt² welcomed la for me. However, a few days ago, Aza called asking for help sbb Sir Thiru tak dpt nak dtg so dia kene carikkan ganti for that class. Luckily it was for form 3 so I already had the stuff ready for teaching.. and luckily, he was also teaching his class the same topic I was teaching my class.
That was why I was in Jawi at 9.15am this morning (ponteng jogging trus haha.. alas an ade kelas but actual alasan is malas!) When I finished class at 11.15am, I wanted to head straight home since I had planned to make some cookies but when I approaceh the campus, I remembered that I needed to print a few things out for my ‘personal project’ (brape bnyk personal project dah ntah budak Ayu ni haha.. sumer tak jalan sampai abis.. adeh!).
But I’m a very busy woman, okay! Pantang bukak pc, sblm search for the ideas I wanted to print, mesti bukak farm and bakery dulu. Kutip ape yg patut, tanam ape yg patut, kaur dari oven ape yg patut and masak balik ape yang patut (yeahhh.. right! If in real life camni, kaye sy!) Then sedar tak sedar, the Zohor azan was heard throughout the campus.
I took my telekung and headed to the surau on the second floor while my head was still wondering on the ideas I wanted to find for (lets call it) Personal Project C2011. I performed my solah and when I was finished, I got ready with my hijab and all, then opened the door to the musolla only to have this sight to greet me..
Erkkk?! Ape telah sy buat?
Hahah.. cepat² pandang kiri kanan, worried someone would’ve noticed my blunder. Lucky me, its Sunday so takde sape kat atas ni instead of the usual working days where ramai la jugak orang since the musolla is right in front of the pantry.
Malu nak turun, tau!
Had a laugh with Ramadhan just now about how oblivious I was to what I was doing. I’m still baffled tho, sah² la one is strappy sandals with small straps and the other is a rubber slipper with wider straps.. camne la sy tak leh pasan?
Selalu camtu, sometimes I have the idea on what to bebel, but don't have the time to sit in front of the pc. Then when I'm smack down in front of it, I'm not in the mood for blogging.. aci kah? Today I'm in the mood, but I've no extra time la pulak but since I don't want my blog mengumpul habuk, I'm gonna paste some recent cake projects here.. as usual lah kannn haha..
The first one is an order from kak Hafsah. No different actually from the recent ones i've been doing cume kali ni sy main ngan kaler biru, putih and kuning ☺ Thanx kak Hafsah!
Second one is for abg Azahar and kak Bibah for their joint birthday recently (actually tarikh tak same pun but both in February. I did the usual mudcake tp kali ni used peaches as the topping. Mmg lame dah nak buat yg peach but haven't found the brand that I like (ni pun brand sy tak brape suke tp takpe lah.. sbb strawberry and kiwi dah abis)
And the piece da resistance (prasan!) is an order from Arep for the birthday of his friend. I thought he wanted to order cake bese² je sbb dia pernah la order pineapple upside down tp kali ni dia nak cupcake.. Kecut trus sy! Hahah.. bkn ape, Arep is one of the most creative person I've ever know.. giler ngkau nak lawan kreatip nye! Was afraid my deco wouldn't par to his expectation.. but the end result was quite satisfactory (to my untrained eyes la.. at least takde la like the disaster I was afraid it was gonna be!)
Heheh.. ok, gtg! (Punye la malas takat paste gambo je.. ish²!)