Sunday, October 29, 2006

Me and my BIG car

I am mad! Am so mad.. I really wanna run over something! You see, there's this Atos right in front of me, hogging the speed lane. Doesn't the Atos realize, I'm bigger and better than it is?

Huh.. as expected, the driver is a girl, judging from the tudung I can barely see from my view here. And I'm sure she's short too as I can't really see the top of her head from here.. and as you can see, my car is a whole lot bigger than hers. Why doesn't the driver realize that she's just a puny ant when compared to my BIG and BETTER car?

I came upon her right outta the Bertam toll. She must've been mad to go right in front of me while I was speeding. I mean, c'mon, your car can't really speed could it? I was driving at 160km/hr and I had to slow down to 120km/hr when she started to get in front of me.. and she doesn't wanna budge.

That's why I'm mad! I can't even pass her through the other lane as its full with cars..

I know.. I know, I'm gonna tail gate her. Switch on my high beam and drive right behind her. for sure she'd get the message, right????
Argggghh.. she didn't, she's still in front of me.

Gosh.. do I see her laughing in front of me? Now I'm madly pssed off!!!!

#$%@&* Her puny car is really getting on my nerves. Doesn't she realize my car is bigger than hers and she has to follow MY LAWS where it states: All small cars must be afraid of my car! It doesn't matter than I'm speeding over the limit, I'm big and I can do anything I wanna do!!!

Ooo good, the toll gates right in front of us.. I'll definitely lose her here!

Hey, whats this? For the love of God.. how come she's right in front of me here? No small car should be allowed to use the smart tag. Only BIG cars like mine should be permitted to use them.

Well, since she's been obeying the speed just now, let me overtake her here. Only 90km/hr is allowed here so I can surely overtake her.

But whats this? Can you believe this driver?? She's delibrately not letting me overtake her! She driving her car matching my speed. Hah!!! Your car would be knocked out in no time, you puny whatchamacallit! And to think that of all days, today the other lane is FULL with cars?!

Gotta take over her before the Juru toll gate or I'll be stuck right behind her again. Hmmm, lemme try the high beam trick agai.. see if she's intimidated by me.

%^&*#@ SHE'S NOT!!!!

And what the %$^&! She's right in front of me again in this smart tag lane. I AM SOOOO MAD that I'M FORGETTING I HAVE MY WIFE AND KIDS WITH ME HERE, IN MY CAR!

And just look at that! She's off again, speeding right at the limit and I still can't overtake her! Even my high beam doesn't scare her and tailgating her makes her slow down that I just have to slam my brakes.

Arrrrrggghhhh, I'm sooooooooo MAD!

But hey, look at this! She's signalling to the left. She must wanna exit at Jawi. THANK GOD!!!

And yeah, good riddance of you and your ATOS!

*Haha.. this is an imaginary 'voice-in-my-head' composed by me and Izati while we had this four wheel drive behind us on the highway. I mean, he had his family in the car with him but he was speeding tak ingat dunia. Aparaaaa.. then he kept giving me his high beam and tail gating me. Unlucky for him, I WAS in my reckless mood, eventhough Izati was with me (Hey! I'm only reckless when I'm confident hahaha.. so its not really reckless <--alasan!!!) Well, that'll teach him never to mess with me hahah*

Friday, October 27, 2006

Just like the old days..

Its one of the best days in my life!

Amoi had called the day before raya informing me of he sisters engagement kenduri and she wanted to invite me to go, along with our friends. I had forgotten that she no longer lived on the island so I instantly agreed. Bart wasn't sure on going but I had roped As along to go with me.

Until the morning of the day.

Bart suddenly told me she couldn't go, then Ami also cancelled since she had to take care of her mum who was having a fever. Feeling a bit disheartened, I smsed As and she was also not sure in going. After those sms's, I didn't even feeled bothered to sms the rest. It was then that I realized Amoi now stayed at the main land so I was already feeling even more discouraged to go.

Was getting ready to go back to sleep when I realized something. Some of my friends here have never met each other for 11 years and I guess, this may contribute to the sudden, "Aku segan la nak pi!"

I never really realized how persistent I could until that morning. I was suddenly on an sms frenzy, trying my best to get them all to agree to go 'raya' together. At first, As and Bart were reluctant, as well as Ami but thankfully Baizurah was kinda excited at the prospect of meeting up with old friends so I gotta say here, she got me going!

By noon, I was already ready to dance around the house. My friends had reluctantly agreed (as As and Bart said, "Ayu kacau aku, terpakse la aku setuju!") and I was looking forward to the meeting.. yeay!!! However, due to limited time, I decided not to call on Mak Su as she'd be from Parit Buntar and it'll take nearly an hour for her to come here (Sorry Mak Su.. jangan la majuk, nanti kite plan lain ek :) Before Ami and Bai kawen la)

So after Zohor, I went first to As's house. She wasn't ready yet and I could detect some reluctance in her. She said she felt a bit uncomfortable as she hasn't really met them for a long time (11 years to be exact) but I told her that it'll be just like the old days.. and I knew she was nodding for my sake! Hahah.. she didn't believe a word I was saying.

We talked and gossiped like we were still 13. I loved talking with her after not meeting her for 2 years. Seeing a doctor on her day off is quite different and she looked a bit tired. But she was still her chatty self. After talking with her parents, we were off.. yup! And still chatting non-stop on the way :)

As we neared the jetty (to pick up Bart), I realized As had turned very quite. Hahah.. as if she was nervous on a first date. But as I said, it'll be like picking up right where we left it. They were a bit shy at the 'salam²' part, but once they started talking, I could glimpse the As and Bart of 11 years ago and I felt a big smile growing on my face.

Then we went to Baizurah's house. Never been there, we were quite lost but once we saw Bai coming, we were whooping with joy.. until we realized Pak Deghih was with her. Heheh.. control²! She served us with Penang Pasemboq (betoi ka?) and ape lagi ek? We were already laughing a lot there, gossiping about teachers and our friends in school, with As teasing me asking, "Masa sekolah dulu, tudung sapa paling banyak kaler?". Apa raaa.. pakai dah lawa dah, tapi perangai cam 13 tawun je semua nye.. But I enjoyed every second of it :)

Then, hearing that we were going to Ami's, Bai wanted to go with us. So off we went in my cute Atos (sib baik muat hangpa semua hahah..). Before going to Ami's, As had asked on how was Ami these days as she was the one with the 'biggest' mouth. As was thinking along the lines that Ami had turned into a wanita melayu terakhir that we were all acting out on how Ami would act if she had changed. Then, when we arrived at Ami's house, we were greeted with a sarong and t-shirt clad Ami that just made us laugh out loud.

As's comment after 5 minutes in Ami house was: Same!!!!

Good thing her home was sturdy or we would've turned the house upside down with our chatterings and laughter. Klau kat umah Bai, kene control skit, kat umah Ami, ilang dah keayuan semua orang heheh.. didn't eat much at Ami's, we were more into the 'meal of the soul' after years of catching up to do. I haven't smiled this much for a very long time and I didn't want the day to end.

As with Bai, when Ami heard I wanted to go to Bart's for soto and my favourite begedil, she wanted to follow us. Her mum was ok by then so she got ready to follow us. Hmm.. cramped again in my Atos while we sent Bai back to her house.

We arrived at Bart's house around Isya. She served us with yummy soto and As had to annouce that she was 'ashamed' to be with me as I asked for a lot of other helpings of begedil. Heheh.. mak Bart pun tau her begedil was my favourite :D She also had this moist chocolate cake that was outta this world, reminded us of Isyam and her chocolate cakes that always left us wanting more.

As we were leaving, Bart's brother arrived with her niece.. waaaaaa, chumelnyeeeee!

Outside her home, they were all trading phone numbers while I gloated that I already had everyone's phone number. Kinda sad goodbye for me as I realized that we were nearing the end of our day out.

Sent As home first before sending Ami. On the way to Ami's, talked to Ami about a lot of things, except the thing she asked me (sorry la Ami.. wasn't prepared to talk bout it.. but thanx for asking!). Then on the way home, got a phone call from budak kecik. Good thing I was driving or he'd have to listen to ALL details of my puiting as I was brimming with joy from seeing my friends and knowing that they haven't changed a bit :)

As I arrived home, I noticed a familiar Kancil. Then as I was going in, I hear voice.. A LOT of them, making me be overcome with this sense of deja vu. And to my pleasant surprise, I was greeted wif Mus and siblings (Zaid, Akram, Naemah and apentah name yg kecik tu?) AND Anisa and siblings too (Awatif and Azhar). As I sent down, all of them came around me making me remember the times when they used to come and play here while I acted as the big sister hehe..

Mus is in UiTM studying music. Zaid was still as cheeky as he was when he and Ikram were in the same class. When he realized I was lying about remembering his name, he insisted I say his name out loud as I racked my brain trying to remember. Akram has grown to be quite a handsome lad. Still remember when he was small and wanted to hold my hand while he waited for his turn to 'berkhatan'. As his turn came near, my hand was held even tightly by him while he asked me to talk to him so he'd forget about his coming ordeal. He's still quite shy, didn't even get the chance to talk to him.

Naemah is growing to be quite a beauty, taking after Aunty Zaidah. I remember how she always clung close to me whenever she came here, she was sooo quiet yet loved to talk to us about everything. I laughed when she commented that I've changed the way I talk. She used to think I was proper but now she realized how animated I become whenever I talk. What made me laugh out even louder was when she told me she liked the new noisy me hahah..

Anisa and Awatif are in Kubang Kerian pursuing medic. Anisa is still her quiet self and Awatif has also taken the same trait. But we talked a lot.. and I realized my smile hasn't stopped from noon till then. I enjoyed their company as it reminds me of how we were when we were younger (not that I'm admitting I felt quite ancient haha..) Even Azhar is not a tot anymore!

They went home around 11pm, I think. And once again I felt a pang of sadness but the joy I felt in meeting all of them was even bigger, prompting another big smile on my face. The only 'blemish' in my perfect day was because we had to send Adi to the bus stop nearing midnight as he was going back to KL..

Still.. I wouldn't trade this day for anything in the world :)

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

A lesson learnt

"Be careful of what you wish for!"

Yeah, I know, most of us have heard this quote once or twice or hundreds of times in our lives. I even have a book with this quote as the title. In a way, its a simple but direct-to-the-point sorta quote.. agreed?

Anyway, why am I suddenly being philosophical (hahah, thats a laugh!!)? Okay, that might be the wrong word here hehe.. But lets cut the crap from being simply relieving to being annoyingly stuck in your bowels (Wowww.. from kunun² philosophical to being sangat tak senonoh.. way to go, Ayu hahah!) *Duh! The pun IS intended!*

I learnt a lesson today. It was staring right in front of my face all the time, but a sudden feeling of being washed away by sorrow suddenly made me realize something.. thus..

"Be careful of what you wish for!"

Okay, I can see Sentot making an impatient face here. Sorry, guess I'm just putting off telling what I had intended to tell when I clicked on the 'create new post' tab. I can't seem to find the right words here.

Last Ramadhan (not that it only happened in Ramadhan, but because I remember clearly how tak khusyuk I was during tarawikh whenever I thought of this), I was half outta my mind. Its been on and on for years now and sometimes, I find myself trying to stop the tears from flowing especially when I'm in public. All sorts of things go through my head.. (as of everyone else.. hey! I'm not shallow enough to think that I'm the ONLY one with problems! Be it family problems, issues of the heart or nearly-hateful-thesis problems).

What I did last year during those wee hours in the morning was to pray for these certain burdens to just go away, from the face of the earth preferably, AND to let me enjoy the next Ramadhan peacefully and.. well, enjoy it la (Frankly, there's supposed to be something else after the 'next Ramadhan peacefully and..' up there but I couldn't bring myself to type it.. yet!). I wanted the next Ramadhan to be different.

Fast forward to a year later.

I've submitted my nearly-hateful thesis, my 'extended' family is doing okay (Yippee! Except for the 'bodoh sombong' being who thinks he/she is better than the rest of us haha.. Still, I hope one day you'd realize your mistake, dear! And stop rattling on lies of your family to whomever would listen <--Ayu being frustrated and a wee bit mad here!) and IM has vanished from the face of the earth (or as I keep convincing myself of haha..). My self confidence hasn't really soared but its doing ok nowadays and, though I once felt it was bad luck to do so, I wanted to shout to the world that I was happy. Indeed I enjoyed my Ramadhan a bit more (except during buka puasa where I eat alone instead of with my exhousemates!).

I would have been happier if I didn't have this little voice nagging at me at the back of my head. Don't ask! But it does have something to do with what I had wished for last year.

Yeah.. like I said, "Be careful of what you wish for!"

Like now, I suddenly realize WHY some things that you think are good for you, might not be the bed of roses you had once thought it would be. And if I view it from another angle, its just as hurtful (or even more) than last year.

God granted this wish for me. And I was happy for a while.. until I realized what kinda web I've tangled myself into.. all for wanting to enjoy my Ramadhan without the burdening thoughts I've been having for the past year. I should've prayed to be a better Muslim this Ramadhan, shouldn't I? :(

It got me thinking.. and it got me sad!

Why? Once again: Why?

I mean, God granted what you wished for, didn't He.. so why don't you feel content?

Answer: My wish wasn't a specific one maybe. He gave me what I thought I had wanted and had asked. And now I'm not better off than where I was last year.. well, maybe a bit better considering the other issues. Guess sometimes, what you want for yourself isn't exactly the best thing for you.

It saddens me.. but its a great eye opener for me. With the most important lesson of "Being thankful of what I already have and have faith that everything happens for a reason"

Still, this web I'm tangled in doesn't seem to wanna lossen up and free me just yet. Well, maybe its staying as reminder for me for the lesson I learnt this Ramadhan.

*Told ya I couldn't find the right words to voice it out.. I can't even understand what I've just written hehe..*

Friday, October 13, 2006

Friday, October 06, 2006

What's been hovering in my mind..

I've been wanting to write down a happier entry for days, what with the Ramadhan and all but somehow, I've been 'busy' enough to neglect both active blogs. By busy, I mean to say (as most postgraduates here know) that I've been spending my time watching this TV series, courtesy of Pojie (who else haha..), on my pc from last week up till now, though I think its gonna last till the next couple of weeks since I've not even looked at ANY episodes form Season 1 or Season 3 (Yup, starting at season 2 here)

But then, again, I'm not really fooling myself to think that I'm totally distracted from two things that are currently dominating my mind. The question of my viva has certainly left me quite disturbed, especially when I know that even Erwan is going to be up for his viva next week. Sheeeesh, I sent it earlier (one hour la tapi) than him but why does he get to do his viva first?

And the next thing is.. well.. err.. let that be a secret within me.. okay la, maybe 2 of my friends know la about it (yeah Sentot, one of them is you, the other is Bart!) but still, it keeps me awake at night and accompanies me and stops any other train of thought whenever my mind starts going into the idle mode.

Truth is, I'm frustrated!

Really frustrated.. and sad.. and upset.. and pathetic (understatement of the year hahah..)

I dunno, I guess I'm just human. Sometimes I try to pretend that I'm this solid being who won't be hurt by other people and mostly would never be hurt by my own actions/thoughts.. but then, the truth just has the tendency to prevail, no matter what!

Sometimes I wish we were more like computers. We could simply save the thoughts and memories we want, and delete the ones we don't want.. but we were not made that way. Thats why we take each day one step at a time, and try to do our best in everything thing.

I'm still upset :(

At times, I wish for things to be different. I wish for things to go my way. I wish I wasn't so frustrated with myself. I wish I didn't think about thing that are clearly stupid thoughts. But thats what we do.. keep wishing and wishing hahah..

I dunno! I hate feeling this way, pondering on thoughts that I should really abandon. Feeling sad yet happy at the same time *don't ask!*

I wish I knew things that I really need and wanna know right now! <-- there I go again! Another 'I wish' thought..