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Friday, October 06, 2006

What's been hovering in my mind..

I've been wanting to write down a happier entry for days, what with the Ramadhan and all but somehow, I've been 'busy' enough to neglect both active blogs. By busy, I mean to say (as most postgraduates here know) that I've been spending my time watching this TV series, courtesy of Pojie (who else haha..), on my pc from last week up till now, though I think its gonna last till the next couple of weeks since I've not even looked at ANY episodes form Season 1 or Season 3 (Yup, starting at season 2 here)

But then, again, I'm not really fooling myself to think that I'm totally distracted from two things that are currently dominating my mind. The question of my viva has certainly left me quite disturbed, especially when I know that even Erwan is going to be up for his viva next week. Sheeeesh, I sent it earlier (one hour la tapi) than him but why does he get to do his viva first?

And the next thing is.. well.. err.. let that be a secret within me.. okay la, maybe 2 of my friends know la about it (yeah Sentot, one of them is you, the other is Bart!) but still, it keeps me awake at night and accompanies me and stops any other train of thought whenever my mind starts going into the idle mode.

Truth is, I'm frustrated!

Really frustrated.. and sad.. and upset.. and pathetic (understatement of the year hahah..)

I dunno, I guess I'm just human. Sometimes I try to pretend that I'm this solid being who won't be hurt by other people and mostly would never be hurt by my own actions/thoughts.. but then, the truth just has the tendency to prevail, no matter what!

Sometimes I wish we were more like computers. We could simply save the thoughts and memories we want, and delete the ones we don't want.. but we were not made that way. Thats why we take each day one step at a time, and try to do our best in everything thing.

I'm still upset :(

At times, I wish for things to be different. I wish for things to go my way. I wish I wasn't so frustrated with myself. I wish I didn't think about thing that are clearly stupid thoughts. But thats what we do.. keep wishing and wishing hahah..

I dunno! I hate feeling this way, pondering on thoughts that I should really abandon. Feeling sad yet happy at the same time *don't ask!*

I wish I knew things that I really need and wanna know right now! <-- there I go again! Another 'I wish' thought..


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