Serabut..

Too much on my mind right now. Wanted to vent out here, as usual, but I don't know where to start. I'm keeping myself busy, extra classes are a blessing nowadays, because if I'm not, I keep wanting to cry..

Latest Pic :p

From my Instagram & FB post (nampak beno malas nak buat post elok² ye, Ayu!)

So some (ex and current) students who follow me have been asking, "Awat cikgu tak pernah post gambar cikgu?"

Ehhh hello! My friends and family yg dah knal lamaaa pun tk lapaq nk tgk my muka, hangpa yg mostly jumpa hari² plaaaak nk suh post gambaq 🙄

So tkpa laaa, since I'm in a good mood, I'll oblige 😝

Credit to my brother who took this pic sambil cakap, "Kak Yong ingt camera phone Ndar lambaaaaaat?" 😂

j

3rd Time The Charm, They Say.. They're Wrong Pt2

I wanted to continue this yesterday, just to make sure I did it on yesterday's date but I was too tired when I got home last night. Not to mention the drama jiran is getting more ridiculous (another entry, maybe?) so I decided to go to bed.. Or at least try to! Just went tossing and turning.. and crying. God, I hate this! :(

3rd Time's The Charm.. Or Not!
The third one, the most recent one which I'm still recovering from. I don't think my heart is breaking anymore, it's past the breaking point but I really don't have the energy to put the pieces back together yet.

I had a crush on this guy during my late teens, well, who didn't at that age. This crush was mostly because I think he was cute since I was too shy to get to know him, not that there were many opportunities to, anyway. I did catch glimpses of his personality every now and then which didn't put me off the crush for a very long time. However, studies and time (and knowing he doesn't even know I exist) made me eventually stop.

Then with Friendster and Facebook, people started reconnecting. Some people who add you are people you've only interacted with once or twice but it didn't matter much to most people. I, however, was one of those fussy types who only added people I know so when he first added me (not using his name nor picture so I didn't know who it was), I almost dismissed it. My MO is to usually leave the request be and check over time to see if I really know this person so when I realized it was him, I didn't think twice since I DO know him. I was way over my crush by then and he was also attached so this was done just because I knew him.

When he was suddenly single again, I was caught in a bit of a dilemma since I knew the both of them. Usually people choose sides and since I didn't know him personally that much, it should've natural that I avoided him but by the time I knew, I was already interacting a bit frequently with him and as far as I was concerned, he never did anything wrong to me personally so I decided to not choose sides but just be on neutral ground.

Turns out we had a few interests in common and I enjoyed talking to him about it. He'd sometimes come across trinkets that he knew I'd love and buy them for me since he had access to most of these and I'd mentioned about this book I've been trying to find (with no avail) and when he found them, he bought them.

I started enjoying my conversations with him and was glad I had decided to be on neutral ground or I would've missed out on a lot of laughs and smiles.

It was Ani who brought to my attention that I was changing, in a good way to her. I always told her almost everything then, about my classes, my friends, my life in general and she told me she notices something whenever I talk about him. Her exact words were: "I think he has somehow managed to touch your heart!" I laughed but deep down inside, I panicked.

It didn't help that a few weeks earlier, exactly 2 years ago yesterday (the reason why I wanted to write this yesterday), he did something that made me wonder of the possibilities. It wasn't a grand gesture, to be honest, but it was the first of more than a few things. When I realized I was pondering on it, I quickly banished the thought and was ashamed of myself for letting my mind wander but at Ani's words, my mind went wandering again.

A few weeks later, I was wa-ing with him from morning, a first. I was a bit worried since it was a working day (my working hours are abnormal maka takpa laaaa but he had normal working hours and I was so afraid it was distrupting his work but he assured me it wasn't) I don't remember what exactly we were talking about but it must've covered a lot of topics since he sent the first msg in the morning and I was still on my phone with him after Maghrib as I was getting ready to go to class in Bagan Serai.

Why do I remember this?

Because when I arrived, still wa-ing on the phone, my student Pugaavlan had already arrived and he was staring at me. I was wondering what was wrong when he asked me, "Cikgu pakai make up ke hari ni?" I laughed and ask him back kot penah ke tengok sy pakai makeup but then he said, "Cikgu nampak lain sangat arini, nampak cantik." I blushed and shrugged it off but as his friends arrived, even they were looking at me until I got quite uncomfortable and one of them, apantah nama budak ni yg cakap pasal bidadari aritu, gave me a cheeky smile and said, "Cikguuuuu, kenapa nmpk berseri sangat hari ni? Something good happened to you? Share la with me.."

I told Ani about this and she asked me if I was, by any chance, 'talking' to him when this took place and just like that, I knew I was in trouble!

Baizurah told me I was ridiculous when I did my next few qiams asking Him so that I won't have any ridiculous feeling that would jeopardize the friendship while Ina told me to relax and don't worry too much (These are the only 3 who know about him) but I was terrified. Still, I'm pretty sure I did a decent job of covering up and dismissing it. It was not like we were talking everyday anyway..

Then I had that episode where was reduced to being half the woman I always was. I didn't tell anyone about it since at first I had thought it was a simple appendicitis but somehow he chose this time to msg me again so he became one of the few who knew. He was there throughout it all. The only one I managed to inform before entering the OT and the first one to ask about me when I finally woke up in the gynae ward. I was scared then and thought of only the worst as I waited for the surgeon to come tell me what had really happened..

Through the ups and downs (it was quite an emotional roller coaster ride seeing my dreams shattered a bit.. Not fully but chances reduced to half already. Still am not that stable emotionally but I'm getting there) he was always there. It surprised me since we weren't really that close before but during this time, I got to know him more. I might've started falling for him then, I guess, and for the first time ever, I wasn't afraid. At least not as much as I used to..

But then, he suddenly shut down and became quiet. I didn't know what I did wrong or what had happened for the sudden change but my heart did get broken a bit. I didn't want to say anything since I didn't know how he felt so I just pretended I didn't care.. Though the truth was, I thought of him everyday.

A few months later, he msg-ed me again. I was more wary this this, more cautious as I knew how I felt by then and I didn't want him to know. I also didn't want my heart to get broken again so I was very² careful but somehow, he managed to find a way back into my heart again. This time, I was determined to ignore any feelings that might surface because the only one who was gonna get hurt was me.

But this time it felt different (and it was very much different) and little by little, my defenses came down and I knew I was in trouble again but, I dunno, denial maybe but I somehow the little voice in me told me that maybe, just maybe, it'll turn out okay.

He made me happy. For the first time in so many years, I was really happy. He remembered the little things, things I just mentioned on passing but every now and then, he'd say something that made me realize he was paying attention. He did so many gestures that made me smile for days and made me wonder, am I really this lucky? I wanted to make him happy too so I was always ashamed that I couldn't do as much as he did for me but for the record, I've never really tried as much as what I tried to do for him..

..that was why it crushed me even worse when once again he shut down.

This time I asked (I agonized over asking this for weeks before finally having the nerve to ask if anything was wrong) but he just apologized with no explanation at all. I thought maybe he needed time so I'll just let it go first and ask again but I never did because I missed him too much when he was quiet and didn't want to ruin happy mood. But when it happened again and again, I got hurt again.

This time it felt worse because, well, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you!" and I was suddenly reminded of the pain from the previous year. I was not going to beg if he didn't want me around..

But still, I  miss him everyday. Sometimes, something happens and I instantly get my phone because I want to share it with him but when I remember how much he had been ignoring me and how much it broke my heart, I stop.

The other day when we went to my uncle's funeral, another aunty was teasing me on why I was still single but my youngest brother told her, he didn't think so because he'd already met him (even if I never talked to my brother about who 'we' were.. I pun didn't know, how was I to talk about something I didn't know then?) and all at once they were gossiping about me. Part of me wanted to tell them, turns out it was nothing but the bigger part just wanted to run out and cry so I just pretended to not hear them at all.

Dang! I thought I'd feel better letting it out here, now I just wanna sleep and not think. I'll mend my heart later then, I guess..

3rd Time The Charm, They Say.. They're Wrong

In my life, I've fallen in love for a grand total of 3 times..

First Love
As most know, was IM. I've talked about him so much in this blog that once upon a time ago, most people were always looking forward to my posts about him haha.. However, it was because of this that most people knew how heartbroken I was and I made a lot of people worry about me.. I'm sorry!

I didn't mean to do that. I just needed an outlet and since I seldom share these kind of things, even to close friends, this blog was my comfort. Of course since it's public, my readers then (sekarang semua dah tak rajin blogging pun kan) knew la about him and though I've never revealed who is actually is, most friends kt USM memang kenal la kot who he is.

He was my best friend then, though we only started as fellow reporters for the KMK newsletter. I didn't really like him at first. He only joined us in our second or third meeting and came chewing a wad of gum throughout the meeting. True, it was only us, the advisor wasn't present, but still la.. Add to the fact he had his earphones (ni zaman Walkman ye, puan²!) plugged on one side, lagi la made me nyampah. Another thing that used to annoy me was how he always made me feel as if I didn't know how to use the computer. Memang la masa tu not all households had a computer tapi I've been using the computer since I was 5 kotttttt.. Way earlier than him, I'm sure! Always had to stiffle the urge to roll my eyes whenever I wanted to type my article and he'd ask if I knew what to do (though awal tu mcm konpius la jugak. Back home we use Mac, kt situ pakai PC and I was a bit baffled by a few differences - but of course la, I didn't show it!)

As we ended our matriculation there, I joined this expedition to Belum and was surprised to see him there to. It was then that we started talking a bit more and a certain incident involving me mistakenly sending a personal email to the whole group of emails he had sent earlier cemented the friendship as it was the ONLY thing he could talk of for week *roll eyes* The fact that I was embarrassed made him more delighted.

When it turned out we were offered courses at the same campus, and being the first person I saw there on campus just made us closer. Though all through the orientation, I was careful to be on my best behaviour since he was surely to comment it on his next email to me.

One of my earliest memories was of him buying me a medium sized choc bar because he thought I was merajuk-ing with him. I was used to his teasing by then, actually, and didn't mind them at all. The real reason was that our communication was mostly through email and I was still a bit shy around him in person so when we went to the KM at the same time, I was avoiding him because I didn't want Yun teasing me. He thought it was something he had teased so he bought the choc bar and asked Lin to give it to me (which of course prompted Lin to ask me A LOT of questions later) but till this very day, Cadbury's Hazelnut bar (and any other choc with hazelnuts) always remind me of him.

Truth is, we were just friends then even if other friends who knew about us thought otherwise. I told him everything, even my crushes wpun I won't tell him who sbb he knew them haha.. A mistake I did during final year: told him I wanted to earn my status as an Al Mashoor student and wanted to start wearing socks that year. He, of course, encouraged me and was happy I wanted to improve myself UNTIL he saw me at the cafe with this guy. Oh my! I've forgotten about this. Might be worthy of another entry, for my-silly-youth purposes but later, maybe. I hadn't wanted anyone seeing me with this guy as it was really nothing, he just wanted to know me better and had been pestering to meet me for weeks. I finally relented, choosing a time I didn't think anyone would see me.. Big mistake haha..

Anyway, the aftermath was a leteran seropa mak nenek about meeting a guy alone right after I told him I wanted be more of a muslimah and hiding it from him (his rational: sbb tau buat salah la tu!) That was the first and last time I EVER did that anyway hehe..

But like I said, we were just friends no matter what people said. Din, a mutual friend, tried especially hard to make us admit something was going on, some of it hilarious, some of it just annoying. After we finished our studies, he'd sometimes call me and his first question would always be, "****** cemmane?" After IM got married, Din never called me again, I think.. Or penah kot skali rasenye, but it was awkward when he no longer greeted me with his usual opening..

It was only after we finished our studies that things started changing.. And I fell in love for the very first time in my life.. And got my heart broken too..

I tried telling myself that we were only friends, reminding myself every single day but during this time we grew closer. Maybe because most of our friends were no longer here so we felt more free to see each other. Maybe because his hostel was the same building as mine so it was easier to see each other, I don't really know. I became so conscious whenever I went out because sometimes he'd sms me and comment on what I was doing at that time as he spied from his room. He'd surprise me with ice creams, just because, and bought me some cough syrup once when he noticed me coming back earlier than usual and called to check on me.

I must've fallen in love with him during this time then..

I met his parents. He kinda tricked me into it, asking me to accompany him to get his PC back home. I expected a quick stop to just pick up the computer then heading back to campus so I only wore an old t-shirt and ratty jeans. I didn't expect his mother to have cooked and for us to join in. I must've hid in the toilet for too long that he had to check on me haha.. Both his parents were there, along with his gramma and two of his brothers. I suddenly lost the ability to act like a normal functioning person. Didn't help that he didn't even sit near me and was laughing at me throughout the meal. Memang nak kena tauuu!

He told me what his mother said about me and managed to make me blush despite being geram with him for leaving me alone the day before tu. He calles me his Ayu, as in Ayu **** (insert childhood nickname here which I won't reveal), to his mother and if anything, that made me feel even more.. happy.

Oh my! This brings back so many memories. At least I no longer feel like crying whenever I think of him but how I wish things were different. You know, maybe if I never had any feeling for him, we would be friends till now since right now, I really need my best friend.

Second Heartbreak
It was doomed from the start actually. Not that we were bad for each other (errr, I think). In fact, he's one of the best persons I've ever been privileged to know but we were too different. However, that didn't stop us from getting close. I put down the line earlier on by constantly reminding him I was older (I'd just recently had a very bad experience with someone younger that I never bothered to correct the misunderstanding other people had sbb masa tu sakit hati amat but I'm okay now with the said person)

He was sweet! Very² much. He's one of those people that you'd call 'menantu pilihan' because everyone liked him. And he's very shy too that I don't even remember how I got to know him except sbb we were both studying/working at the same place.

We seldom went out but whenever we did, he was the perfect gentleman. I have always preferred to be independent and all that new age stuff about feminism and such but he'd still insist in carrying my purchases and always shielding me whenever we walked pass groups of rowdy boys. I'd laugh at him but deep down inside, I was melting haha..

He'd cook for me and send it to my home then we'd spend hours talking outside. Sometimes if I sent food to him, his mum would ask us to come talk inside je sbb lama sgt dok sembang kt luar sampai termalu pun dah ye sbb sy yg perempuan so patut sy yg malu. Yes, I've met his family too. His mother is very bubbly but when I met his dad, I realized this is where he got his mild mannered, cool headed demeanor.

I know some people question our relationship especially after we'd been to a few kenduris together but I knew that nothing could (nothing should pun) come outta this so I never said anything. I still insisted on being called 'kak Ayu', though sometimes when he's in a mood, he'd switch to 'cik Ayu' and ignore it when I rolled my eyes at that.

He made me listen to Malay/Indonesian songs even when he knew I don't listen to them much. He tried to sell my car numerous times by displaying signs on my car, which I'd only discover at the end of the day when I want to go home. I tried to do it back to him, unsuccessfully, since he parks near his room. He even kidnapped me once when he had to go to the main campus to get an order of chemicals and didn't want to go there alone. There, he took me to his favorite stall for some koay teow t'ng (the chemical we came to pick up was still in the storage so we had to wait) and I made him taste this bandung jagung I've loved since I was a kid.

It ended abruptly. One day he was talking to me, the next day he wasn't. Everytime I asked why, he just kept quiet and after some time, I stopped asking. I was too hurt by then anyway..

A few months later, his friend pinged me on YM asking about me. Since I didn't have any problems with this guy, I just chatted with his as usual until he admitted, this guy was the one asking about me. I wanted to cry but I was also angry too. He was the one who ended it but then now he's asking about me. The friend asked me, don't I want to do anything about it because he said this guy was sad.

Can you see how confused I was? I don't really know what he wants. He was the one who didn't want to tell me anything and now this. I was in Dr Mae's room then so I didn't wanna create a scene even if I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. I just logged off and went home.
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Well, I wanted to finish this post today but it's almost time for me to go to class so I think I'll stop for now. Maybe I'll continue later. It's the third one that I really need to talk about now.. :(

Back To 'Normal'

Sooo.. The truth is, right after I posted my previous post (just ONE day after), I was back to being a wreck.. Sheesh! So only one week of calm then.

I was hoping for it to last a bit longer or just stay that way because I'm tired of being so sad all the time. I'm glad I have my classes (I should really write about those kids of mine), the only sunlight in my rather gloomy days nowadays. Though awal tahun dulu was a bit of discomfort when some noticed I didn't look quite as happy as before (They were also the ones who noticed I was looking very happy those more than a few months back, so what do I expect). I was smiling AND laughing, mind you but..

"Jangan dijentik sarang tebuan
Sengatnya pedih bisa sembilu
Jangan diusik hilangnya senyuman
Hatinya masih retak seribu"

It was then that I realized I needed to stop feeling so sad. I see these stuetns only once a week but they DO notice things. I don't mind them teasing me when I can't keep smiling, but for them to be concerned to see me not as 'chirpy' as before, it's kinda embarrassing.. and pathetic haha..

Sp for their sake (and my own too), I need to summon back that calmness of the mind I had that week. I just don't remember what triggered that feeling though.

I wish I'd just stop feeling this way. Orang dah move on lama dah, why am I still here?

Being Apprciated (wpun I don't think I deserve it)

From my FB post:

Sgt jarang utk parents hantar budak baru skola menengah sampai ke class but I shrugged it off as mak dia nk tgk² class canne kot..

And it became a nice suprise when it turned out my new student rupanya adik a former student 😁

But it became a bit awkward (in a good way, boley?) when the mum masuk class and salam me while thanking me non-stop for teaching the abang for the past two years 😅

Masalah dia is: si abang tu mmg pandai 😅

I always wondered nape dia amik tuition but he just smiled whenever I asked and mcm a bit malu bila diorg put me in the place of among the people responsible for his straight A results pdhl I only teach ONE subject 😅 And its a subject he's very good at pulak tu 😅

I said that to his mum but she wouldn't hear any of it and kept telling me dh lama teringin jumpa cikgu Ayu which made me feel even more embarrassed sbb I really don't know what I did right with this boy, esp in the class last year with 30++ students which made me worry if I'd given each of them enough attention.

But it was enough to make this tiring day so much more brighter to know, somehow, I did something right 😊

Dan hati berbunga riang sepanjang class after the kind words of the mother and the abang wpun termalu balik masa balik to see the mother waiting for me habis class just to give me gifts (yaaa, plural!) Alamak kak, tak perlu hadiah pun 🙈 Those words were much more than enough ❤

Strange.. But me likey! ♡

It's been a strange few days for me. Not that I'm complaining, it's been the good kinda strange actually. I'm still trying to understand and pinpoint exactly where and when this change happened but I guess this is one of those things that are better left alone.. Lest you go back to the way things were before this welcomed change happened.

I remember going through more than halfway of the day (on Sunday, to be exact) before realizing my mind had not once wandered into the place it seemed to reside the past few months. It suprised me enough to make it memorable because most days it felt like those thoughts would never leave me alone. But, nah, even the mind gets tired of being stupid, I suppose.

I could say maybe it was because I was busy so tkde masa nk berfikir sgt. But Sunday? Busy? The day before, Saturday, is my busiest day of the week because of classes from morning to night and even on that day I found myself hiding from my (old) students once in a while just to avoid their questioning looks. I went to sleep unsettled, as usual, so I was really surprised at this, should I say, abrupt change the very next day.

I even had a student scrutinize me a few days ago, making me feel very uncomfortable (Tak zip seluarkah? Baju terbalik kah?) But when I asked her, she merely said there was something different about me and she loved it 

That, of course, made me smile 

I thought it would be a one day thing only, and the next day I'd be back to the state I hate myself to be in but Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday has passed and I feel fine 

I feel okay 

I feel so much better that I've been the past few months 

And I like it! 

So today I've decided to not think about why I feel better and just embrace it.. Mau pulak, it's Friday! Hari paling barakah for Muslims 

I got this and I'm gonna be okay 

So I still have sleeping issues (my kambings have mogok sbb tiap malam dok overtime je sampai diorg tak leh rest so I can't do any sheep counting anymore since they've locked themselves up in their kandang and thrown away the key) but instead of dwelling on things I can't change and I can't force, I'm actually using the time to fill up my reading journal which is a double yeay since it's one if my #2018resolutionsofMissAyu and I'm doing it instead of biar jadi angan² saja 

So in this spirit I wish to all: May you have a great day ahead. May there be a happy suprise in store for you today that would lift your spirits up to the highest heaven and may there be, today, a little more than usual, moments to cherish for a lifetime 

Love ya.. 

Blessing in Disguise, Maybe? *sedapkan hati*

My phone has been acting up for almost a year now but since I don't use it much aside from the occasional messages and calls as well as the Instagram post, I didn't really take much notice of it.

Few weeks ago, it threw a tantrum and refused to, whatchamacallit, 'rest'? The screen was always on even a few minutes after locking it. I didn't know what to do except take out the battery and give it a whole night of time out. The next day it was better.. a bit.

Then two days ago it started giving me blank screens whenever I exited Instagram or the gallery. Then when I restarted the phone, the phone's memory would suddenly be full and no matter what I checked, I couldn't find any addition to what was already there in the first place. I kept getting warnings to clear some space but I really didn't know WHAT was it that was taking up too much place anyway.

Yesterday, it did this thingey again a bit too many times. This year, Saturday is my busiest day with classes from 10am to 9.45pm at night with only 1 primary school tutoring and the others all being exam classes. By the final class, I was feeling exasperated by the phone that I decided to just restore to factory settings. I only did this after they asked if I wanted to back up the data in my sd card which I promptly did. But maybe because I was still in the middle of class, I didn't pay much attention to it and by the time the phone had been, errr, formatted(?), I realized I had lost a lot of things that I had assumed would be backed up.

Most are just trivial things, I guess, kept out of sentiments and such but, there were other things that were more than just a sentiment to me 😢

Messages with voice notes I've been secretly listening whenever I missed someone. SMSs during the time I felt very low. Tokens that made me happy once upon a time ago.. I lost it all.

I never thought I'd actually cry to badly when I realized those things were missing as I'd promised myself to never again pour any feelings into this.. But thats the truth of what happened. It felt like I'd lost something much more precious that I ever thought it would be..

Truth is, I might get some back, at least the texts, if I'd ask this certain person on the slight chance the person kept it but

1. I didn't want this person to know I was still holding on to those.. Might be little things to other people but meant the world to me

2. I didn't actually wanted to know that this person has deleted the whole thing months ago.

So here I am.

Upset.

I know, those are nothing. Just words that I guess didn't mean much but to me, they did.

I had asked Allah to help me move on. To help me let go of all these since I'm starting to realize it was all only in my head and only meant something to me but I guess I haven't done my part in forgetting. I' assuming, this is His way to help me let go since I don't seem capable of doing it on my own.

I should be thankful.. I AM thankful. Just a bit sad, I guess..

So here's to letting it all go now.. :(