Serabut..

Too much on my mind right now. Wanted to vent out here, as usual, but I don't know where to start. I'm keeping myself busy, extra classes are a blessing nowadays, because if I'm not, I keep wanting to cry..

3rd Time The Charm, They Say.. They're Wrong Pt2

I wanted to continue this yesterday, just to make sure I did it on yesterday's date but I was too tired when I got home last night. Not to mention the drama jiran is getting more ridiculous (another entry, maybe?) so I decided to go to bed.. Or at least try to! Just went tossing and turning.. and crying. God, I hate this! :(

3rd Time's The Charm.. Or Not!
The third one, the most recent one which I'm still recovering from. I don't think my heart is breaking anymore, it's past the breaking point but I really don't have the energy to put the pieces back together yet.

I had a crush on this guy during my late teens, well, who didn't at that age. This crush was mostly because I think he was cute since I was too shy to get to know him, not that there were many opportunities to, anyway. I did catch glimpses of his personality every now and then which didn't put me off the crush for a very long time. However, studies and time (and knowing he doesn't even know I exist) made me eventually stop.

Then with Friendster and Facebook, people started reconnecting. Some people who add you are people you've only interacted with once or twice but it didn't matter much to most people. I, however, was one of those fussy types who only added people I know so when he first added me (not using his name nor picture so I didn't know who it was), I almost dismissed it. My MO is to usually leave the request be and check over time to see if I really know this person so when I realized it was him, I didn't think twice since I DO know him. I was way over my crush by then and he was also attached so this was done just because I knew him.

When he was suddenly single again, I was caught in a bit of a dilemma since I knew the both of them. Usually people choose sides and since I didn't know him personally that much, it should've natural that I avoided him but by the time I knew, I was already interacting a bit frequently with him and as far as I was concerned, he never did anything wrong to me personally so I decided to not choose sides but just be on neutral ground.

Turns out we had a few interests in common and I enjoyed talking to him about it. He'd sometimes come across trinkets that he knew I'd love and buy them for me since he had access to most of these and I'd mentioned about this book I've been trying to find (with no avail) and when he found them, he bought them.

I started enjoying my conversations with him and was glad I had decided to be on neutral ground or I would've missed out on a lot of laughs and smiles.

It was Ani who brought to my attention that I was changing, in a good way to her. I always told her almost everything then, about my classes, my friends, my life in general and she told me she notices something whenever I talk about him. Her exact words were: "I think he has somehow managed to touch your heart!" I laughed but deep down inside, I panicked.

It didn't help that a few weeks earlier, exactly 2 years ago yesterday (the reason why I wanted to write this yesterday), he did something that made me wonder of the possibilities. It wasn't a grand gesture, to be honest, but it was the first of more than a few things. When I realized I was pondering on it, I quickly banished the thought and was ashamed of myself for letting my mind wander but at Ani's words, my mind went wandering again.

A few weeks later, I was wa-ing with him from morning, a first. I was a bit worried since it was a working day (my working hours are abnormal maka takpa laaaa but he had normal working hours and I was so afraid it was distrupting his work but he assured me it wasn't) I don't remember what exactly we were talking about but it must've covered a lot of topics since he sent the first msg in the morning and I was still on my phone with him after Maghrib as I was getting ready to go to class in Bagan Serai.

Why do I remember this?

Because when I arrived, still wa-ing on the phone, my student Pugaavlan had already arrived and he was staring at me. I was wondering what was wrong when he asked me, "Cikgu pakai make up ke hari ni?" I laughed and ask him back kot penah ke tengok sy pakai makeup but then he said, "Cikgu nampak lain sangat arini, nampak cantik." I blushed and shrugged it off but as his friends arrived, even they were looking at me until I got quite uncomfortable and one of them, apantah nama budak ni yg cakap pasal bidadari aritu, gave me a cheeky smile and said, "Cikguuuuu, kenapa nmpk berseri sangat hari ni? Something good happened to you? Share la with me.."

I told Ani about this and she asked me if I was, by any chance, 'talking' to him when this took place and just like that, I knew I was in trouble!

Baizurah told me I was ridiculous when I did my next few qiams asking Him so that I won't have any ridiculous feeling that would jeopardize the friendship while Ina told me to relax and don't worry too much (These are the only 3 who know about him) but I was terrified. Still, I'm pretty sure I did a decent job of covering up and dismissing it. It was not like we were talking everyday anyway..

Then I had that episode where was reduced to being half the woman I always was. I didn't tell anyone about it since at first I had thought it was a simple appendicitis but somehow he chose this time to msg me again so he became one of the few who knew. He was there throughout it all. The only one I managed to inform before entering the OT and the first one to ask about me when I finally woke up in the gynae ward. I was scared then and thought of only the worst as I waited for the surgeon to come tell me what had really happened..

Through the ups and downs (it was quite an emotional roller coaster ride seeing my dreams shattered a bit.. Not fully but chances reduced to half already. Still am not that stable emotionally but I'm getting there) he was always there. It surprised me since we weren't really that close before but during this time, I got to know him more. I might've started falling for him then, I guess, and for the first time ever, I wasn't afraid. At least not as much as I used to..

But then, he suddenly shut down and became quiet. I didn't know what I did wrong or what had happened for the sudden change but my heart did get broken a bit. I didn't want to say anything since I didn't know how he felt so I just pretended I didn't care.. Though the truth was, I thought of him everyday.

A few months later, he msg-ed me again. I was more wary this this, more cautious as I knew how I felt by then and I didn't want him to know. I also didn't want my heart to get broken again so I was very² careful but somehow, he managed to find a way back into my heart again. This time, I was determined to ignore any feelings that might surface because the only one who was gonna get hurt was me.

But this time it felt different (and it was very much different) and little by little, my defenses came down and I knew I was in trouble again but, I dunno, denial maybe but I somehow the little voice in me told me that maybe, just maybe, it'll turn out okay.

He made me happy. For the first time in so many years, I was really happy. He remembered the little things, things I just mentioned on passing but every now and then, he'd say something that made me realize he was paying attention. He did so many gestures that made me smile for days and made me wonder, am I really this lucky? I wanted to make him happy too so I was always ashamed that I couldn't do as much as he did for me but for the record, I've never really tried as much as what I tried to do for him..

..that was why it crushed me even worse when once again he shut down.

This time I asked (I agonized over asking this for weeks before finally having the nerve to ask if anything was wrong) but he just apologized with no explanation at all. I thought maybe he needed time so I'll just let it go first and ask again but I never did because I missed him too much when he was quiet and didn't want to ruin happy mood. But when it happened again and again, I got hurt again.

This time it felt worse because, well, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you!" and I was suddenly reminded of the pain from the previous year. I was not going to beg if he didn't want me around..

But still, I  miss him everyday. Sometimes, something happens and I instantly get my phone because I want to share it with him but when I remember how much he had been ignoring me and how much it broke my heart, I stop.

The other day when we went to my uncle's funeral, another aunty was teasing me on why I was still single but my youngest brother told her, he didn't think so because he'd already met him (even if I never talked to my brother about who 'we' were.. I pun didn't know, how was I to talk about something I didn't know then?) and all at once they were gossiping about me. Part of me wanted to tell them, turns out it was nothing but the bigger part just wanted to run out and cry so I just pretended to not hear them at all.

Dang! I thought I'd feel better letting it out here, now I just wanna sleep and not think. I'll mend my heart later then, I guess..

3rd Time The Charm, They Say.. They're Wrong

In my life, I've fallen in love for a grand total of 3 times..

First Love
As most know, was IM. I've talked about him so much in this blog that once upon a time ago, most people were always looking forward to my posts about him haha.. However, it was because of this that most people knew how heartbroken I was and I made a lot of people worry about me.. I'm sorry!

I didn't mean to do that. I just needed an outlet and since I seldom share these kind of things, even to close friends, this blog was my comfort. Of course since it's public, my readers then (sekarang semua dah tak rajin blogging pun kan) knew la about him and though I've never revealed who is actually is, most friends kt USM memang kenal la kot who he is.

He was my best friend then, though we only started as fellow reporters for the KMK newsletter. I didn't really like him at first. He only joined us in our second or third meeting and came chewing a wad of gum throughout the meeting. True, it was only us, the advisor wasn't present, but still la.. Add to the fact he had his earphones (ni zaman Walkman ye, puan²!) plugged on one side, lagi la made me nyampah. Another thing that used to annoy me was how he always made me feel as if I didn't know how to use the computer. Memang la masa tu not all households had a computer tapi I've been using the computer since I was 5 kotttttt.. Way earlier than him, I'm sure! Always had to stiffle the urge to roll my eyes whenever I wanted to type my article and he'd ask if I knew what to do (though awal tu mcm konpius la jugak. Back home we use Mac, kt situ pakai PC and I was a bit baffled by a few differences - but of course la, I didn't show it!)

As we ended our matriculation there, I joined this expedition to Belum and was surprised to see him there to. It was then that we started talking a bit more and a certain incident involving me mistakenly sending a personal email to the whole group of emails he had sent earlier cemented the friendship as it was the ONLY thing he could talk of for week *roll eyes* The fact that I was embarrassed made him more delighted.

When it turned out we were offered courses at the same campus, and being the first person I saw there on campus just made us closer. Though all through the orientation, I was careful to be on my best behaviour since he was surely to comment it on his next email to me.

One of my earliest memories was of him buying me a medium sized choc bar because he thought I was merajuk-ing with him. I was used to his teasing by then, actually, and didn't mind them at all. The real reason was that our communication was mostly through email and I was still a bit shy around him in person so when we went to the KM at the same time, I was avoiding him because I didn't want Yun teasing me. He thought it was something he had teased so he bought the choc bar and asked Lin to give it to me (which of course prompted Lin to ask me A LOT of questions later) but till this very day, Cadbury's Hazelnut bar (and any other choc with hazelnuts) always remind me of him.

Truth is, we were just friends then even if other friends who knew about us thought otherwise. I told him everything, even my crushes wpun I won't tell him who sbb he knew them haha.. A mistake I did during final year: told him I wanted to earn my status as an Al Mashoor student and wanted to start wearing socks that year. He, of course, encouraged me and was happy I wanted to improve myself UNTIL he saw me at the cafe with this guy. Oh my! I've forgotten about this. Might be worthy of another entry, for my-silly-youth purposes but later, maybe. I hadn't wanted anyone seeing me with this guy as it was really nothing, he just wanted to know me better and had been pestering to meet me for weeks. I finally relented, choosing a time I didn't think anyone would see me.. Big mistake haha..

Anyway, the aftermath was a leteran seropa mak nenek about meeting a guy alone right after I told him I wanted be more of a muslimah and hiding it from him (his rational: sbb tau buat salah la tu!) That was the first and last time I EVER did that anyway hehe..

But like I said, we were just friends no matter what people said. Din, a mutual friend, tried especially hard to make us admit something was going on, some of it hilarious, some of it just annoying. After we finished our studies, he'd sometimes call me and his first question would always be, "****** cemmane?" After IM got married, Din never called me again, I think.. Or penah kot skali rasenye, but it was awkward when he no longer greeted me with his usual opening..

It was only after we finished our studies that things started changing.. And I fell in love for the very first time in my life.. And got my heart broken too..

I tried telling myself that we were only friends, reminding myself every single day but during this time we grew closer. Maybe because most of our friends were no longer here so we felt more free to see each other. Maybe because his hostel was the same building as mine so it was easier to see each other, I don't really know. I became so conscious whenever I went out because sometimes he'd sms me and comment on what I was doing at that time as he spied from his room. He'd surprise me with ice creams, just because, and bought me some cough syrup once when he noticed me coming back earlier than usual and called to check on me.

I must've fallen in love with him during this time then..

I met his parents. He kinda tricked me into it, asking me to accompany him to get his PC back home. I expected a quick stop to just pick up the computer then heading back to campus so I only wore an old t-shirt and ratty jeans. I didn't expect his mother to have cooked and for us to join in. I must've hid in the toilet for too long that he had to check on me haha.. Both his parents were there, along with his gramma and two of his brothers. I suddenly lost the ability to act like a normal functioning person. Didn't help that he didn't even sit near me and was laughing at me throughout the meal. Memang nak kena tauuu!

He told me what his mother said about me and managed to make me blush despite being geram with him for leaving me alone the day before tu. He calles me his Ayu, as in Ayu **** (insert childhood nickname here which I won't reveal), to his mother and if anything, that made me feel even more.. happy.

Oh my! This brings back so many memories. At least I no longer feel like crying whenever I think of him but how I wish things were different. You know, maybe if I never had any feeling for him, we would be friends till now since right now, I really need my best friend.

Second Heartbreak
It was doomed from the start actually. Not that we were bad for each other (errr, I think). In fact, he's one of the best persons I've ever been privileged to know but we were too different. However, that didn't stop us from getting close. I put down the line earlier on by constantly reminding him I was older (I'd just recently had a very bad experience with someone younger that I never bothered to correct the misunderstanding other people had sbb masa tu sakit hati amat but I'm okay now with the said person)

He was sweet! Very² much. He's one of those people that you'd call 'menantu pilihan' because everyone liked him. And he's very shy too that I don't even remember how I got to know him except sbb we were both studying/working at the same place.

We seldom went out but whenever we did, he was the perfect gentleman. I have always preferred to be independent and all that new age stuff about feminism and such but he'd still insist in carrying my purchases and always shielding me whenever we walked pass groups of rowdy boys. I'd laugh at him but deep down inside, I was melting haha..

He'd cook for me and send it to my home then we'd spend hours talking outside. Sometimes if I sent food to him, his mum would ask us to come talk inside je sbb lama sgt dok sembang kt luar sampai termalu pun dah ye sbb sy yg perempuan so patut sy yg malu. Yes, I've met his family too. His mother is very bubbly but when I met his dad, I realized this is where he got his mild mannered, cool headed demeanor.

I know some people question our relationship especially after we'd been to a few kenduris together but I knew that nothing could (nothing should pun) come outta this so I never said anything. I still insisted on being called 'kak Ayu', though sometimes when he's in a mood, he'd switch to 'cik Ayu' and ignore it when I rolled my eyes at that.

He made me listen to Malay/Indonesian songs even when he knew I don't listen to them much. He tried to sell my car numerous times by displaying signs on my car, which I'd only discover at the end of the day when I want to go home. I tried to do it back to him, unsuccessfully, since he parks near his room. He even kidnapped me once when he had to go to the main campus to get an order of chemicals and didn't want to go there alone. There, he took me to his favorite stall for some koay teow t'ng (the chemical we came to pick up was still in the storage so we had to wait) and I made him taste this bandung jagung I've loved since I was a kid.

It ended abruptly. One day he was talking to me, the next day he wasn't. Everytime I asked why, he just kept quiet and after some time, I stopped asking. I was too hurt by then anyway..

A few months later, his friend pinged me on YM asking about me. Since I didn't have any problems with this guy, I just chatted with his as usual until he admitted, this guy was the one asking about me. I wanted to cry but I was also angry too. He was the one who ended it but then now he's asking about me. The friend asked me, don't I want to do anything about it because he said this guy was sad.

Can you see how confused I was? I don't really know what he wants. He was the one who didn't want to tell me anything and now this. I was in Dr Mae's room then so I didn't wanna create a scene even if I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. I just logged off and went home.
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Well, I wanted to finish this post today but it's almost time for me to go to class so I think I'll stop for now. Maybe I'll continue later. It's the third one that I really need to talk about now.. :(

Back To 'Normal'

Sooo.. The truth is, right after I posted my previous post (just ONE day after), I was back to being a wreck.. Sheesh! So only one week of calm then.

I was hoping for it to last a bit longer or just stay that way because I'm tired of being so sad all the time. I'm glad I have my classes (I should really write about those kids of mine), the only sunlight in my rather gloomy days nowadays. Though awal tahun dulu was a bit of discomfort when some noticed I didn't look quite as happy as before (They were also the ones who noticed I was looking very happy those more than a few months back, so what do I expect). I was smiling AND laughing, mind you but..

"Jangan dijentik sarang tebuan
Sengatnya pedih bisa sembilu
Jangan diusik hilangnya senyuman
Hatinya masih retak seribu"

It was then that I realized I needed to stop feeling so sad. I see these stuetns only once a week but they DO notice things. I don't mind them teasing me when I can't keep smiling, but for them to be concerned to see me not as 'chirpy' as before, it's kinda embarrassing.. and pathetic haha..

Sp for their sake (and my own too), I need to summon back that calmness of the mind I had that week. I just don't remember what triggered that feeling though.

I wish I'd just stop feeling this way. Orang dah move on lama dah, why am I still here?

I Hate This!

Yesterday while driving, I suddenly had this urge to try remember the time before you were always on my mind.. and I can't seem to remember much.

I do remember a 'before' when I could still tell myself I'm being silly and this was only because I'm lonely or something. When I could still tell myself, nothing is worth destroying a friendship yang susah sangat nak dapat at this age. A time when thoughts did not hurt that much and I could just shrug it off if I wanted to.

Now it's all there is. If I have other thoughts, even in between them, I keep going back there. It's as if I can't think of anything else and I REALLY WANT TO FORGET these stupid, stupid thoughts and feelings.

I'm supposed to independent, strong.. But after last year, I sometimes wish He didn't make me this way. He only tests us on things He knows we can go through.. I wish He didn't think I was this strong :(

Do You Remember What You Did Exactly A Year Ago?

I do..

I remember wanting to stay in bed, exhausted after days of trying to unpack and choose what to leave in the boxes. The house is much smaller than the last one so it was kinda a chore to prioritize.. but still, fun in a way :)

I remember hearing the phone ringing and wondering who was calling me early in the morning. I didn't manage to pick up the phone in time but I remember feeling my heart fall down to the pit of my stomach when I saw who it was. It wouldn't have been a problem if someone else had not shared with me her observation of me involving this person a few days before this so I got scared and purposely misplaced my phone (yes, I could actually do that, being the scatterbrain me). Purposely also being me not looking for my phone when I realized it wasn't near me (and since I was still unpacking, mmg tak susah la nak misplace phone tu pun).

I wonder if things would have been different if I hadn't had that discussion with my friend. If my friend hadn't shared with me the change she saw in me. If I wasn't too scared that she was right and I was putting myself in for another heartbreak. If I was brave enough to face it, who knows, I would've gotten over it looooong ago. Might even realize (or at least, convinced myself) that she was wrong..

I wish things were different, you know, coz this sucks!

Change..

Ever sat down and thought about how much things have changed in one year? Exactly one year? Or one month? One week? Or even one day?

Exactly one year ago, things were different. The year was still quite new and I had so much hope for the year. It had started on the most blessed day of the week, Friday.. and by luck, my birthday was also to be on a Friday, which normally would not happen but it was a leap year so yeay!

Somehow, I had a feeling it was going to be one of the best years in my life, though in what 'department, I pun tatau but it just felt right..

Now?

I don't feel as if it's my worst year.. but it was a bit disappointing I guess..

Moving for the second time in two months at the end of January and trying to fit my 'new life' into a place less than half the space of my 'old life'.. But I AM thankful for it.. I just wish it didn't feel so exhausting (and I don't mean physically).

Then with problems from my old boss around a third way through of the year, being gaji-less for two months. Not only that, having our pay cut without any warning too.. I was too 'tired' to be angry by then.

And then the being hospitalized episode of my life.. and still struggling to stop feeling as if I'm only half a woman right now..

Then there was the 'matters of heart' which I was pretending so hard wasn't happening, only to have my friends tell me that they notice the change in me (which to them was a  happy thing but to me, scary!) I don't want to ruin a good friendship and also, I've never been lucky in this 'thing' so I wasn't really sure on what to do or how to act and such.. having always to remind myself to NEVER misinterpret anything.. because in the end, I'd just be hurting myself most of all.

By the end of the year, I was just too tired and wanted the year to end and go as far away as possible. I didn't want to remember all those mistakes, all those heartaches, all those things that kept me awake at night..

Till today, I still can't seem to muster any positivity (though, the exception is for that one day when I had that strange dream which I might or might not write about later) for the year. I'd like to say that I'm jut going with the flow but I know better.. I just don't want to hope for anything anymore. At least for now..

On My Sticky Note..

Was checking on my ol' sticky note on my desktop and found this. I don't even remember WHEN I saved it.. and I made the mistake of not copying the source too.

"One grows distant from another, not because of hatred, not because of indifference, but because of fear. There's the fear that the hurt gets greater as one gets closer; a recognition of the tendency to fall deeply, and consequently drown in a quicksand of stupid irrationalities. Sometimes, what drives one away is not the absence of emotion, but the overwhelming presence of it.."

Years later, it still makes sense.. and even more maybe :(

First Wordplay of 2017 ;)

Sesungguhnyaaaa gambo takde kene ngene haha..

In keeping with my previous post, I decided to paste another word-play in my blog haha.. Taaaaaak, tak terre lagi aiihhh.. 

Ni more sebab saja nak save and senang nak cari balik nnt =) Klau harap FB, harus tunggu On-This-Day plak, jenuh setahun baru jumpa balik :p

So this was my 1st long (long la sangat) word play for 2017. Macaaaaam ade sepantun dua jugak this year tp kene cari balik la plak nnt :p

Apa dalam peti,

Simpan bok sorok,

Apa dalam hati,

Simpan elok-elok

Apa dalam tangan,

Jaga, jangan lalai,

Apa di fikiran,

Jaga, jangan terbuai

Apa dalam laci,

Simpan biar tak terbuka,

Apa dalam mimpi,

Simpan biar terus rahsia

Apa dalam gua,

Yang tahu yang teroka,

Apa dalam doa,

Yang tahu hanya saya

Posted on FB on Jan 18, 2:21pm

When You Need To Do What's Best For Your Heart..

Tell me your story

Things that are true

Let me in on those secrets

Let me know the real you

Tell me your fears

What keeps you awake

We'll chase them away together

Whack and beat them till they break

Tell me your sorrows

That cling to your heart

We'll untangle them, we'll free them

Separate them, keep them apart

Tell me your grief

What breaks you deep inside

We'll put the pieces back together

You can trust me, you can confide

Tell me your dreams

Those precious gems you hold on to

I'll believe in them, protect them

And help you make them all come true

I'd shared this on FB after a few days of writing and rewriting. I've never been the play-with-words kinda of student but nowadays I get fascinated with them, thus, my amateur attempts at ringing them together to form things like this.

The first verse came to me like it was already in my head (which I'm praying it really was. Don't really want to be accused of plagiarism, do I?). I would have left it at that if it didn't remind me of someone. So I tried to make it longer, and somehow, other people came into mind too..

When I say other people, I don't really mean that I'm already this kind of friend. What I mean is I WANT to be this kind of friend to them, just as they had been for me at my times of need.. Even when I didn't know that I needed them.. and I hope that one day I'd be given the chance to be so :)

What has been nagging me for a few days is that, the person who I had first thought of suddenly, after months of silence, contacted me to give some thought on what I had written. No, I'm not annoyed, far from that. I'm always afraid of being criticized but I really welcome it from these people who I know are sincere. It's just that I felt it was kind of irony that this person wanted to share some thought on something I had written for this said individual. I didn't even know how to respond except say thanks (when I would've liked to say so many other things too :( )

It makes me a bit sad that now I don't know how to be comfortable around this person anymore..

I don't think I'll ever be able to get back to how things were until I learn to control these unexplainable (is this even a word?) feelings and to stop questioning the 'whys' that have been messing around in my head these past few months but I know one day I will :) 

*cross fingers*

The Thing About Hugs..

..is that most of the time, you don't know you need a hug until you get one.

I've had two instances this has happened to me.

The First

It was around the time we first got to know about my father's second marriage. Naturally, everyone was upset but we handled them differently.. at least on the outside. Somehow people I loved forgot that I was upset too..

People expected us to choose sides but how was I supposed to do that? I could barely grasp on what was happening, let alone decide if I wanted to throw one parent away or not. So both were mad at me because both thought I chose the other. I was even called anak derhaka more than a few times just because I refused to choose but in this case, Tuhan lagi tahu. He is the better judge than any accusation thrown in my way so I left it all to Him.

Still, my heart and head was in turmoil. I was trying to a good daughter, the peacemaker and trying to understand it from both point of views while keeping takdir Tuhan in sight (it has been 'written' dulu lagi, and God has His reasons on everything that happens) yet my heart was broken by the two people I loved the most. I couldn't turn to anyone of them as both were full of venom with the other so it won't help in matters, but I couldn't just go share it with anyone, could I?

So I bottled it up inside. Only sharing snippets of it to people I trust.

It was during this time that I had temankan IM balik Jitra to go got his computer as the one he was currently using has just quit on him. The plan was to just go get his other computer and go back to the campus while I had plan to hide in the car saja. Of course he had other plans..

He had told his family beforehand so his mother had cooked extra for us to join in dinner. His granma had made some kuih kasui and saved some for us. I his in the toilet to gather my wits but was still nervous like hell as we sat down for dinner.

Before we headed back to the campus, after salam-ing his mum, she suddenly gave me this unexpected hug. I was so surprised that I didn't hug back at first.. the only thing in my mind was, "Please don't let go of me.."

I didn't even realize I needed a hug until she gave me one.. and all of a sudden, all the weight on my shoulders and in my head felt lighter.

Thank you, mak cik!

The Second

Just a few days ago, while I was lazing around at home, my sister called and told me she was coming with my mum for some food hunting. It was still the CNY holidays so she was on leave (I already had a class that night but I was free all day) and I was looking forward for some enjoyable company.

When they arrived, I noticed someone else with them.. and a very rough voice saying 'Cepat laaa' over and over again. It was my brother and sis-in-law ♡ They didn't even tell my mum or sis until they had arrived *grins* and it made my heart give out a little dance as I haven't seen them since raya.. aka BEFORE

I had a great few hours as they rummaged through my stuff (sorok my dancing Groot and Hot Wheels), went food hunting ("semua kedai sini tak suke kt Ti sbb semua yg Ti nak pegi asyik tutup je" haha..) and buat kecoh. They stayed here till after Maghrib as I had my class at 8.15 pm and they went back to Sg Ara.

As we salam-ed before parting, my clown of a brother was still pretending that he had my baby Groot and stuff like that when all of a sudden he said, "Meh peluk skit"

As a rule, we have never been physically affectionate as siblings. We'd joke, prank, laugh and all but other than that memang mcm tak je. In fact, my first reaction was, "Haaa, buat salah ape plak ni?" as I looked around to see if my Groot was safe.

But somehow, once again I felt like saying, "Please don't let go of me.." and I struggled to stop the tears from falling and try maintaining a cheery disposition.

I don't know if he knew I needed that but I'm glad for once he broke the rule..

To Gelak or To Nangis.. That Is The Question! =)

As usual, I love checking my FB's On This Day, just to see what exactly was I thinking on those particular days and I found this..

Ooookaaaayyyy..

Hahahahaha...

Hahahahahahah..

Hahahahahahaahahahahaaaa..

Now am not sure if its better to cry or laugh hysterically (sbb takmo rase sedih/stupid/silly)..

One day, Ayu.. One day. Then, it won't be sebab kesian.. It'll be the real deal and it's gonna stay.. :)

One day.. =)

Check up.. and ME time! =)

I had my post op check up on Wednesday the 7th. The appointment card stated that I had to be there at 8.00 am and since this was my first experience, I imagined I'd be sent straight to the doctor. Turns out I was wrong haha..

The specialist clinic was full of people even when I arrived at 7.50 am. I had to go register again at the nurses station, given an evaluation by a very friendly doctor before being given my number. Looking around, it didn't feel so lonely (okay, so I'd been feeling more that just a little bit blue about what had happened) bu somehow, I suddenly felt like crying and wished someone was there with me.

When it was my turn, I got this very nice older doctor who explained to me about the lab results on the cyst they had removed and the pros of removing my right ovary. It was something about the type of cyst I had, if they hadn't removed the whole thing (they usually only removed the cyst), it could still happen again but since they had to removed it due to my gangrened Fallopian tube, the chances of it happening again should be zero.

However, just to be on the safe side, she wanted to do an ultrasound on me. It was deja vu all over again but this time I got good news saying there didn't seem to be anything wrong. She even told me my left ovary was working perfectly as it was actually ovulating (and once again I felt like crying..) but I was amazed when I got to see it. Before, I didn't understand anything on the screen but as the doctor was discussing with her technician and since I was trying not to cry, I somehow saw the exact shape I've only since in my science/biology textbooks.. it was pretty much awesome to me. I guess mothers who get to see their babies in their wombs must feel even more happy.

When we went back to the doctors desk, I was feeling much better with the good news and what I just saw but somehow, my mouth gatal jugak to ask, why did it happen and what did I do wrong. I was just curious (I think) but they way the doctor looked at me made me well up again and she reassured me, it was nothing that I did wrong. Takdir Tuhan saja..

I then had breakfast at the hospital (which I only did the last 2 days I was there due to having to fast before and after surgery kan), bought some yummy sambal tempe (why didn't I know about this then?) and bought the sought after donut yang I terliur sangat dok teringin while I was there :p

Since it was still early and I had already cancelled my classes for the day, a lil' celebration was in order. I went to Aeon Big (formerly Carrefour) just beside the hospital and splurged on some Whittakers chocolates (yes, plural heheh..).. Even got the mint one for RM1 though I dunno what was on offer that day.

Then I decided to go look around since its been ages since I went there. Managed to buy some much needed pins for my tudung. Since I only wear the ones resembling safety pins yang dah out of date lamaaaaa dah maka sangat la susah to find any. When I saw some at this makcik's stall, terus la beli. And my rezeki, instead of 4 for RM10, she sold them to me 5 for RM10. She even threw in another simple brooch for me.. Moga murah rezeki mak cik ♡

Somehow, while chatting with the makcik, she asked me if I was ok. I laughed la sebab I was feeling ok then but I told her I had just come back from the hospital for my check up. She told me I had that 'recuperating' look, thats why she asked.. Err..

Then she told me about this jamu that was good for my condition. Sold by some Indonesian who brewed it themselves, fresh from the market. I don't really like jamu, the smell alone sometimes makes my eyes watery but in my condition, anything goes. I think I was also curious with the fresh from market concept too so I went to buy 2 bottles. Smelled better than what I usually smell and didn't taste bad too. Sayangnya sini tak jual (or I dunno sape jual) but I think I'd like to try lagi kot =)

After that, I headed to Sunway Carnival. Had already planned to watch movies and have lunch there anyway. I went to Sam's Groceria for their yummy mac and cheese after I bought tickets to watch Moana and Dr Strange (again? Didn't expect it to still be on sebab dah mcm bnyk minggu je dah kot). Met Amirah, Fatimah and their brother as they were also watching Moana the same time as me. Moana was surprisingly good. I'd expected a so and so movie but I wouldn't mind watching it again or buying the dvd nnt. Dr Strange doesn't need any reviews la kot. I loved it the first time, I enjoyed it even more the second (sbb bleh tgk after credits would be one of the reasons.. Kt sini kalu, movie dah abis je diorg terus pasang lampu mcm nak halau) even if the part where Dr Strange was sleeping while his astral projction was reading brought some tears to my eyes because it reminded of something.. or someone..

I DID got to Popular but no book caught my attention.. surprise! Macam konpius je hehe..

Anyway, after performing my prayers, terus balik je la lepas tu. My usaha mencari comic jugak gagal but I thinks its due to the closing of Comic House je la kot.. Tolonnnnng la ganti cepat, I need my comic fix!

All in all, it was a good day.. if some thought would stop bugging me la.. But am glad that healthwise, I'm improving much and hopefully the new year would bring me better health and no more surprises like this one =)

A Subtle Reminder for Me.. *malu*

This morning, I did my usual ngaji after Subuh. I came across this ayat from surah Al Maidah verse 89 and though I don't understand it, I felt a sudden pull on finding out the meaning so using Google just now, I found this..

لا يُؤَاخِذُكُمُ اللَّهُ بِاللَّغْوِ فِي أَيْمَانِكُمْ وَلَكِنْ يُؤَاخِذُكُمْ بِمَا عَقَّدْتُمُ الأيْمَانَ فَكَفَّارَتُهُ إِطْعَامُ عَشَرَةِ مَسَاكِينَ مِنْ أَوْسَطِ مَا تُطْعِمُونَ أَهْلِيكُمْ أَوْ كِسْوَتُهُمْ أَوْ تَحْرِيرُ رَقَبَةٍ فَمَنْ لَمْ يَجِدْ فَصِيَامُ ثَلاثَةِ أَيَّامٍ ذَلِكَ كَفَّارَةُ أَيْمَانِكُمْ إِذَا حَلَفْتُمْ وَاحْفَظُوا أَيْمَانَكُمْ كَذَلِكَ يُبَيِّنُ اللَّهُ لَكُمْ آيَاتِهِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَشْكُرُونَ (٨٩)

Allah tidak menghukum kamu disebabkan sumpah-sumpahmu yang tidak dimaksud (untuk bersumpah), tetapi Dia menghukum kamu disebabkan sumpah-sumpah yang kamu sengaja, Maka kaffarat (melanggar) sumpah itu, ialah memberi Makan sepuluh orang miskin, Yaitu dari makanan yang biasa kamu berikan kepada keluargamu, atau memberi pakaian kepada mereka atau memerdekakan seorang budak. barang siapa tidak sanggup melakukan yang demikian, Maka kaffaratnya puasa selama tiga hari. yang demikian itu adalah kaffarat sumpah-sumpahmu bila kamu bersumpah (dan kamu langgar). dan jagalah sumpahmu. Demikianlah Allah menerangkan kepadamu hukum-hukum-Nya agar kamu bersyukur (kepada-Nya). [Qs. Al-Maidah (5) : 89-9.

And suddenly I felt so ashamed of myself.. Rase mcm kene tegur in a very subtle way but the message was clear enough that I felt humbled He didn't 'tegur' me in a more severe way.

You see, earlier this year, I heard a certain rumor about something that scared me. I guess no matter how old you are, you never want anything to happen to your family. I was so worried that I couldn't sleep at night so one night I got up and made a bargain with God.

At that time, I was having a tug of war between my heart and my head about a very personal matter. Of course my heart was winning, especially since what I wanted was right there in front of me, within grasp but still uncertain (this was where my head came in.. always rational.. always overthinking.. always wanting to make sure I don't get hurt..)

Anyway, the deal was, if nothing happened the way I heard, I would gladly let my head win and let go of this one thing my heart was sure I wanted..

As of now, the thing I was scared of happening hasn't happened (and I hope it NEVER would too!)

However, I have been toying with the idea of the thing I had wanted before for a few months now too..

I know, I shouldn't! I've been trying to remind myself every now and then but I keep, for lack of a better word, relapsing. There are times when even my heart could be persuaded that letting go is whats best, especially since I made that earnest deal in the wee hours of morning months ago. But there are times (more and more of it) where even my head agrees that I seem better with this 'thing'.. happier!

And now I'm just so confused on what is it that I really want!

Nothing seems to be right and I've asked countless time to please not let my heart be attached to what is not mine but somehow, things haven't really been that easy. There are times I set out to ask assistance to forget and let go but I end up asking if its okay that I want it?

When I saw this tafsir of the ayat, I felt so malu. That morning when I made the deal, I was so sure that I'd be able to keep up my end of the bargain  but it doesn't really seem so. I realize that I have broken my promise (tak kira la if its mine or not in the end.. I had said I'd let it go but I didn't!) and didn't honor the deal I made so myself but I think, this is His way of giving me a way out..

..and I'm so thankful for this as I don't think I'm strong enough yet to let go!

Alhamdulillah.. Indeed Allah is most merciful.. At least I won't have the sin of breaking my word, InsyaAllah..

As for what is it I want, its still up to Him and I can only pray that one day, I'd only want what is best for me, what He has written for me.. Amiin..

Stupidity Strikes Again!

HEART: A hairline fracture was discovered around the heart recently. The fracture might not have been noticed if feelings had not been seen leaking through the tearducts in the past few days.

Investigation has uncovered that the fracture has actually been around for almost 2 weeks or so. However, denial and pretending-everything-was-ok were the culprits that hid the pain before. It was also discovered that the initial point of fracture was due to something else but it was not treated in time before the second heavy blow came crashing towards it about a week ago. Experts are not sure on how long it would take to rectify the situation as current measures taken do not seem to have any effect.

"I don't know what happened. I've been so careful in the past few years. I may have put my guard down in the past months but I was sure that I'd taken extra measures to take care of the heart," says the guardian of the heart when asked for her comment on the situation.

The wall surrounding the heart had crumbled a few weeks prior due to unforeseeable and unexpected circumstances. Experts believe this damage was the reason the blow could even come in contact with the heart as these walls were the first line of defense in protecting it.

Conflicted..

It's one of those times when you feel as if your heart and head are at war..

I've been so used to it for the past few weeks.. months.. and now that it's 'gone', I dunno how to feel :(

I've been so careful with my heart, with my feelings.. why?