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Saturday, September 03, 2016

When He made me smile

The past few months have been a bit 'disturbing' for me. Not in a 'messing with my life' kinda way, more like a 'messing with my head' thingey.

It's hard sometimes trying to do the right thing and be the right kind of person when your heart wants to wander off to a no man's land. At first I just shrugged it off, convincing myself the feelings were temporary with no basis whatsoever. But somehow, its getting harder and harder to reprimand myself nowadays.

I guess I just have to admit, age is catching up with me and try as might, sometimes I'm scared to think about the future, of being alone specifically. I know, I know.. semua dah tersurat dalam luh mahfuz.. but I'm just a human being with faults.

Like last night, I was suddenly overcome with this sadness and self-pity. I was wallowing in this kinda feeling till I fell asleep. Then this morning, after Subuh, I did my usual Quran recital and one ayat I was reading caught my eyes (and heart, I must say, as I kept thinking about it even after I've turned the page) 

Now I must admit, I may have taken Arabic Language for 5 years (B. Arab Tinggi for 2 of those years plak tu) but I'm not really fluent in the language nor can I make simple conversations *ok, malu!* so I didn't really understand what I had read. But somehow, that ayat kept coming back to me so after finishing, I went online to Google the meaning. This below is the ayat I was talking about. From surah An Najm verse 45

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَٰنِ الرَّحِيمِ

وَأَنَّهُ خَلَقَ الزَّوْجَيْنِ الذَّكَرَ وَالْأُنْثَىٰ

This one is the tafsir of it: 
And that He creates the two mates - the male and female -
I almost laughed out loud (actually, I think I did!). It was if He was assuring me not to worry.. made me smile too! :)
And suddenly things don't seem so bleak after all. Leave everything to Him as He knows best =) And I'm gals that that's the thought I'm starting my day with today!

P/S It just occurred to me: The last birthday card I ever got from IM, my 23rd, he had written the tafsir of this ayat right at the top of his card to me, no explanation, with a birthday wish below it. Two months after that, we stopped talking.. I don't think I'll ever understand WHY he put this in my card..

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

..and they grew up! :'(

I'd deactivated my FB for some time now and only reactivated it to help a friend who's much in need. However, something else happened just now..

One of my exstudents messaged me..

He wanted to share with me the news that he'd been offered to continue his studies.. and only Allah knows how proud I am of him right now!

But then he asked to see me. When I asked him why (I'm still avoiding people), he said he wanted to thank me in person for being his teacher 'sejak saya kecik'. I was stunned.. and I burst into tears.

I'd always been one who loved sharing with my students and I was especially proud in sharing with them stories of my students years so I shouldn't really be surprised when a few years ago, this student told me, he's taking civil engineering too.. in USM jugak! I was flattered that he'd choose my course and especially when he told me, he's gonna be my super duper Saiyan junior and I wished him all the best..

However, during that time was one of the worst events of my life. I know, I got what I wanted (or what I didn't want, depending on how you see it) and though I was happy and relieved, a big part of me can't help but feel ashamed of myself.. so I shut myself off from people, my students included.. Even this one, when I had promised to always be there for him whenever he needed help. He was proud to tell people I was his teacher but I was ashamed about it.. not about him, I was proud of him even then. I was just ashamed of myself..

He always tried to keep in touch. Whenever he was frustrated with his studies or anything, he'd come to find me. As long as it was through the phone or FB messaging, I was ok. Whenever he asked to see me, I'd decline. I dunno.. I guess I didn't want him to see me this way and only wanted him to remember me as the person who had tried to inspire him all those years ago. Not only him, I also did this to all my other students who kept in touch with me. I just couldn't face them..

I'd known about his offer as he had shared it before (I noticed it from my other FB acc which only a select few know about). I'm sure I had liked the post or commented but he still wanted to tell me in person and instantly messaged me when he noticed me back on FB with my primary acc.

All these years, I can't help but feel like I've let them down, just like I've let everybody else in my life down, but here he was, wanting to tell me if it wasn't for me, he won't be doing this.. and now I'm tearing up again..

I don't deserve this recognition. He did it all by himself, and the people who helped him through his undergraduate studies were all people who I know.. I don't have a hand in his success here, AT ALL! I hid away from them, I avoided them.. and yet..

The only thing I know now is I'm so proud of him. I told him that but I don't think he can imagine how my heart swells at the thought of him succeeding in his studies when there were times he lost his confidence and all. I can still imagine the scrawny kid he was back then in my Form 2 class and I marvel now at how much he has grown.. And I really wish he'll succeed in everything he does..

Ok, dah tak leh nampak screen.. :'(

Thursday, June 09, 2016

My Student, The Smooth Talker haha..

I've been having a lousy few days. True, not ALL moments were lousy but at the back of mind was this.. thing.. that I just can't shake off.

So yesterday started a bit shaky than usual. My unsettled heart was even more restless early on in the morning and I was trying to put my mind off it by doing stuff. Then come noon, I received some news that made me more than just a little bit irritated and annoyed. It was bad enough that I decided I just HAD to sleep, in case the anger exploded.

Then after iftar of only instant oats, I rushed to my class in Bagan Serai yet still arrived late 10 minutes. It really didn't feel like my day at all and though I kept smiling in class, I was waiting for it to end.

We were doing angles yesterday and since I teach in both English and Malay, I wrote ANGLES on the whiteboard. As usual, some students mispronounced it as ANGELS and as usual, I corrected them.

Then suddenly a student (Prakash, I think) asked me, "Teacher, what is the difference between 'malaikat' and 'bidadari'?" I think it came from when I said, "Angel tu malaikat" while another boy said, "Bidadari"

Truth is, I don't really know if there are English words both of those so I was racking my brain trying to think of another word besides angel.

Sothesan helped me out a bit here. He said, "Malaikat tu yang ada magic tu kan, cikgu?" while acting as if he was holding a magic wand/staff and casting a spell haha.. I think he used the word 'magic' for the lack of a better word.

"Bidadari pulak.." while putting a finger to his mouth and thinking. Dia ni memang ade flair for the dramatics skit hehe..

This was when Jeevan cut in..

"Bidadari pulak macam cikgu!"

Amboiiiiii, ayaaaaaat! Hahah.. Nasib baik Form 4, if he was a bit (ke a lot?) more older, mau cair tak keras² kat situ jugak. Cepat² I asked them to continue their work while I tried to hide a laugh.

I'm really hoping I didn't blush, though! Malu je nanti haha..

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Of.. errr, inappropriate hashtags!

Some viral hashtags are cute.. others, well, should be given second thoughts!

Consider this: You post a picture of your mouth-watering meal and hashtag 'foodporn' & 'foodgasm'. While the picture is 'like'-worthy, your hashtag? Not so much. Yeah, they're popular hashtags, 'everyone' uses them nowadays! Live up, will you, Ayu!!


Here comes your 5-year-old, who just learnt how to read. He/she takes you phone/iPad/tab from you and proceeds to try reading you FB/Instagram and when he/she comes to the end of you post, he/she pauses. He/she gives you their sweetest smile and asks..

"Mummy, I know food is makanan, right? What does the other word mean?"

Dang! Now what! You stammer some reply while racking your brains for a good answer and finally settle with something like this..

"Its just something we add to show we really like it, dear!"

Then kids being kids, they love to show off any new words they learn. So in the field while playing catch with friends, "This is gameporn!" Or sharing their favourite Postman Pat book with their grandparents,"This is bookgasm!" Or while watching their favourite cartoons on tv..

Face palm, much? Or maybe I'm the one who's being backward thinking.. bu in a time where kids now grow up way too fast, being exposed to things way to easily, maybe, just maybe, you'd want to consider this next time.. ;)