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Sunday, January 07, 2018

Blessing in Disguise, Maybe? *sedapkan hati*

My phone has been acting up for almost a year now but since I don't use it much aside from the occasional messages and calls as well as the Instagram post, I didn't really take much notice of it.

Few weeks ago, it threw a tantrum and refused to, whatchamacallit, 'rest'? The screen was always on even a few minutes after locking it. I didn't know what to do except take out the battery and give it a whole night of time out. The next day it was better.. a bit.

Then two days ago it started giving me blank screens whenever I exited Instagram or the gallery. Then when I restarted the phone, the phone's memory would suddenly be full and no matter what I checked, I couldn't find any addition to what was already there in the first place. I kept getting warnings to clear some space but I really didn't know WHAT was it that was taking up too much place anyway.

Yesterday, it did this thingey again a bit too many times. This year, Saturday is my busiest day with classes from 10am to 9.45pm at night with only 1 primary school tutoring and the others all being exam classes. By the final class, I was feeling exasperated by the phone that I decided to just restore to factory settings. I only did this after they asked if I wanted to back up the data in my sd card which I promptly did. But maybe because I was still in the middle of class, I didn't pay much attention to it and by the time the phone had been, errr, formatted(?), I realized I had lost a lot of things that I had assumed would be backed up.

Most are just trivial things, I guess, kept out of sentiments and such but, there were other things that were more than just a sentiment to me 😢

Messages with voice notes I've been secretly listening whenever I missed someone. SMSs during the time I felt very low. Tokens that made me happy once upon a time ago.. I lost it all.

I never thought I'd actually cry to badly when I realized those things were missing as I'd promised myself to never again pour any feelings into this.. But thats the truth of what happened. It felt like I'd lost something much more precious that I ever thought it would be..

Truth is, I might get some back, at least the texts, if I'd ask this certain person on the slight chance the person kept it but

1. I didn't want this person to know I was still holding on to those.. Might be little things to other people but meant the world to me

2. I didn't actually wanted to know that this person has deleted the whole thing months ago.

So here I am.

Upset.

I know, those are nothing. Just words that I guess didn't mean much but to me, they did.

I had asked Allah to help me move on. To help me let go of all these since I'm starting to realize it was all only in my head and only meant something to me but I guess I haven't done my part in forgetting. I' assuming, this is His way to help me let go since I don't seem capable of doing it on my own.

I should be thankful.. I AM thankful. Just a bit sad, I guess..

So here's to letting it all go now.. :(

Friday, December 15, 2017

Wednesday, March 08, 2017

I Hate This!


Yesterday while driving, I suddenly had this urge to try remember the time before you were always on my mind.. and I can't seem to remember much.

I do remember a 'before' when I could still tell myself I'm being silly and this was only because I'm lonely or something. When I could still tell myself, nothing is worth destroying a friendship yang susah sangat nak dapat at this age. A time when thoughts did not hurt that much and I could just shrug it off if I wanted to.

Now it's all there is. If I have other thoughts, even in between them, I keep going back there. It's as if I can't think of anything else and I REALLY WANT TO FORGET these stupid, stupid thoughts and feelings.

I'm supposed to independent, strong.. But after last year, I sometimes wish He didn't make me this way. He only tests us on things He knows we can go through.. I wish He didn't think I was this strong :(

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Do You Remember What You Did Exactly A Year Ago?

I do..

I remember wanting to stay in bed, exhausted after days of trying to unpack and choose what to leave in the boxes. The house is much smaller than the last one so it was kinda a chore to prioritize.. but still, fun in a way :)

I remember hearing the phone ringing and wondering who was calling me early in the morning. I didn't manage to pick up the phone in time but I remember feeling my heart fall down to the pit of my stomach when I saw who it was. It wouldn't have been a problem if someone else had not shared with me her observation of me involving this person a few days before this so I got scared and purposely misplaced my phone (yes, I could actually do that, being the scatterbrain me). Purposely also being me not looking for my phone when I realized it wasn't near me (and since I was still unpacking, mmg tak susah la nak misplace phone tu pun).

I wonder if things would have been different if I hadn't had that discussion with my friend. If my friend hadn't shared with me the change she saw in me. If I wasn't too scared that she was right and I was putting myself in for another heartbreak. If I was brave enough to face it, who knows, I would've gotten over it looooong ago. Might even realize (or at least, convinced myself) that she was wrong..

I wish things were different, you know, coz this sucks!

Monday, February 27, 2017

Change..




Ever sat down and thought about how much things have changed in one year? Exactly one year? Or one month? One week? Or even one day?

Exactly one year ago, things were different. The year was still quite new and I had so much hope for the year. It had started on the most blessed day of the week, Friday.. and by luck, my birthday was also to be on a Friday, which normally would not happen but it was a leap year so yeay!

Somehow, I had a feeling it was going to be one of the best years in my life, though in what 'department, I pun tatau but it just felt right..

Now?

I don't feel as if it's my worst year.. but it was a bit disappointing I guess..

Moving for the second time in two months at the end of January and trying to fit my 'new life' into a place less than half the space of my 'old life'.. But I AM thankful for it.. I just wish it didn't feel so exhausting (and I don't mean physically).

Then with problems from my old boss around a third way through of the year, being gaji-less for two months. Not only that, having our pay cut without any warning too.. I was too 'tired' to be angry by then.

And then the being hospitalized episode of my life.. and still struggling to stop feeling as if I'm only half a woman right now..

Then there was the 'matters of heart' which I was pretending so hard wasn't happening, only to have my friends tell me that they notice the change in me (which to them was a  happy thing but to me, scary!) I don't want to ruin a good friendship and also, I've never been lucky in this 'thing' so I wasn't really sure on what to do or how to act and such.. having always to remind myself to NEVER misinterpret anything.. because in the end, I'd just be hurting myself most of all.

By the end of the year, I was just too tired and wanted the year to end and go as far away as possible. I didn't want to remember all those mistakes, all those heartaches, all those things that kept me awake at night..

Till today, I still can't seem to muster any positivity (though, the exception is for that one day when I had that strange dream which I might or might not write about later) for the year. I'd like to say that I'm jut going with the flow but I know better.. I just don't want to hope for anything anymore. At least for now..