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Friday, December 09, 2016

To Gelak or To Nangis.. That Is The Question! =)

As usual, I love checking my FB's On This Day, just to see what exactly was I thinking on those particular days and I found this..


Ooookaaaayyyy..

Hahahahaha...

Hahahahahahah..

Hahahahahahaahahahahaaaa..

Now am not sure if its better to cry or laugh hysterically (sbb takmo rase sedih/stupid/silly)..

One day, Ayu.. One day. Then, it won't be sebab kesian.. It'll be the real deal and it's gonna stay.. :)

One day.. =)

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

A Subtle Reminder for Me.. *malu*


This morning, I did my usual ngaji after Subuh. I came across this ayat from surah Al Maidah verse 89 and though I don't understand it, I felt a sudden pull on finding out the meaning so using Google just now, I found this..

لا يُؤَاخِذُكُمُ اللَّهُ بِاللَّغْوِ فِي أَيْمَانِكُمْ وَلَكِنْ يُؤَاخِذُكُمْ بِمَا عَقَّدْتُمُ الأيْمَانَ فَكَفَّارَتُهُ إِطْعَامُ عَشَرَةِ مَسَاكِينَ مِنْ أَوْسَطِ مَا تُطْعِمُونَ أَهْلِيكُمْ أَوْ كِسْوَتُهُمْ أَوْ تَحْرِيرُ رَقَبَةٍ فَمَنْ لَمْ يَجِدْ فَصِيَامُ ثَلاثَةِ أَيَّامٍ ذَلِكَ كَفَّارَةُ أَيْمَانِكُمْ إِذَا حَلَفْتُمْ وَاحْفَظُوا أَيْمَانَكُمْ كَذَلِكَ يُبَيِّنُ اللَّهُ لَكُمْ آيَاتِهِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَشْكُرُونَ (٨٩)

Allah tidak menghukum kamu disebabkan sumpah-sumpahmu yang tidak dimaksud (untuk bersumpah), tetapi Dia menghukum kamu disebabkan sumpah-sumpah yang kamu sengaja, Maka kaffarat (melanggar) sumpah itu, ialah memberi Makan sepuluh orang miskin, Yaitu dari makanan yang biasa kamu berikan kepada keluargamu, atau memberi pakaian kepada mereka atau memerdekakan seorang budak. barang siapa tidak sanggup melakukan yang demikian, Maka kaffaratnya puasa selama tiga hari. yang demikian itu adalah kaffarat sumpah-sumpahmu bila kamu bersumpah (dan kamu langgar). dan jagalah sumpahmu. Demikianlah Allah menerangkan kepadamu hukum-hukum-Nya agar kamu bersyukur (kepada-Nya). [Qs. Al-Maidah (5) : 89-9.

And suddenly I felt so ashamed of myself.. Rase mcm kene tegur in a very subtle way but the message was clear enough that I felt humbled He didn't 'tegur' me in a more severe way.

You see, earlier this year, I heard a certain rumor about something that scared me. I guess no matter how old you are, you never want anything to happen to your family. I was so worried that I couldn't sleep at night so one night I got up and made a bargain with God.

At that time, I was having a tug of war between my heart and my head about a very personal matter. Of course my heart was winning, especially since what I wanted was right there in front of me, within grasp but still uncertain (this was where my head came in.. always rational.. always overthinking.. always wanting to make sure I don't get hurt..)

Anyway, the deal was, if nothing happened the way I heard, I would gladly let my head win and let go of this one thing my heart was sure I wanted..

As of now, the thing I was scared of happening hasn't happened (and I hope it NEVER would too!)

However, I have been toying with the idea of the thing I had wanted before for a few months now too..

I know, I shouldn't! I've been trying to remind myself every now and then but I keep, for lack of a better word, relapsing. There are times when even my heart could be persuaded that letting go is whats best, especially since I made that earnest deal in the wee hours of morning months ago. But there are times (more and more of it) where even my head agrees that I seem better with this 'thing'.. happier!

And now I'm just so confused on what is it that I really want!

Nothing seems to be right and I've asked countless time to please not let my heart be attached to what is not mine but somehow, things haven't really been that easy. There are times I set out to ask assistance to forget and let go but I end up asking if its okay that I want it?

When I saw this tafsir of the ayat, I felt so malu. That morning when I made the deal, I was so sure that I'd be able to keep up my end of the bargain  but it doesn't really seem so. I realize that I have broken my promise (tak kira la if its mine or not in the end.. I had said I'd let it go but I didn't!) and didn't honor the deal I made so myself but I think, this is His way of giving me a way out..

..and I'm so thankful for this as I don't think I'm strong enough yet to let go!

Alhamdulillah.. Indeed Allah is most merciful.. At least I won't have the sin of breaking my word, InsyaAllah..

As for what is it I want, its still up to Him and I can only pray that one day, I'd only want what is best for me, what He has written for me.. Amiin..

Stupidity Strikes Again!

HEART: A hairline fracture was discovered around the heart recently. The fracture might not have been noticed if feelings had not been seen leaking through the tearducts in the past few days.

Investigation has uncovered that the fracture has actually been around for almost 2 weeks or so. However, denial and pretending-everything-was-ok were the culprits that hid the pain before. It was also discovered that the initial point of fracture was due to something else but it was not treated in time before the second heavy blow came crashing towards it about a week ago. Experts are not sure on how long it would take to rectify the situation as current measures taken do not seem to have any effect.

"I don't know what happened. I've been so careful in the past few years. I may have put my guard down in the past months but I was sure that I'd taken extra measures to take care of the heart," says the guardian of the heart when asked for her comment on the situation.

The wall surrounding the heart had crumbled a few weeks prior due to unforeseeable and unexpected circumstances. Experts believe this damage was the reason the blow could even come in contact with the heart as these walls were the first line of defense in protecting it.

Monday, November 28, 2016

Half a Woman? Pt 4

Monday, 3 October 2016

That morning I was waiting for the doctor to tell me if I could be discharged or not. They came to check my wound and the bandage was finally taken off.. One word:

BURUK!

As I looked in horror on how ugly it was, BOTH wounds, she gave me the good news: I could be discharged if I wanted to. I had confirmed that I was no longer throwing up and though it still hurt to eat, it was much better than yesterday. Actually I was still throwing up and my wound still hurt (both which I gave white lies since I no longer wanted to stay in the hospital) but I was sure I could take care of myself by then.

I called Izati and told her the good new. Luckily it was still a holiday (Awal Muharram) so she wasn't working. She cancelled her morning walk (sorry hehe..) and got ready to fetch me while I tried packing up my things slowly. Yg kene tunduk sgt tu mmg kene mntk tolong Izati la when she got there.

At this time, I was suddenly feeling overwhelmed. It felt like too many things were happening at once and I hated the fact that I was helpless. I've always been independent so when I had to rely on other, it just felt so.. wrong, I guess. I couldn't talk about this to anyone except one friend who surprisingly was there throughout it all, even when I refused to talk to anyone..

I was still okay as Izati wheeled me out of the building to her car but once we got out of the hospital compound, I couldn't help the tears. Those tears surprised me as I thought I'd gotten it together after a short nap sebelum tu and I was ashamed that I couldn't even stop. Malu with my sister as I didn't like her seeing me like this so balik tu I went straight to lie down and (pretended) to fall asleep.

That was my first bad day, I guess as I had been holding up just fine sebelum tu..

..and after that it was a rollercoaster of feelings!

Boleh tak, I saw the word 'twisted' on tv and I was filled with this.. rage?

Then there were times I wanted to cry so much but I didn't want to do that in front of my family.

But there were also times when I felt ok.. or relieved even that they found my problem when they did. Who knows what would've happened if it was left to fester inside my body..

The few days after were, challenging, at least in my mind. I don't know what I would've done without the support of my family (Mama preparing my meals.. when its been so long since anyone has done that for me. Then Izati, bless her, who took seriously my pantang. She scoured Giant every evening trying to find the things I should eat and took notes from my friends on my dos and don'ts, even referring to them when she went to the pasar malam. She also bought me a packet of getah bodos since those were the only ones I could use on my hair.. Bak kata dia dulu, nasib baikkk dapat adik perempuan hehe..) and the support of the only friends I was willing to share with who were always there whether I wanted it or not (I wanted it, I know now.. So thanks to those who knew about it more than I was willing to admit.. Tuhan je boleh balas! Even simple words like 'I'll be here' were enough)

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Conflicted..


It's one of those times when you feel as if your heart and head are at war..

I've been so used to it for the past few weeks.. months.. and now that it's 'gone', I dunno how to feel :(

I've been so careful with my heart, with my feelings.. why?