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Wednesday, March 08, 2017

I Hate This!


Yesterday while driving, I suddenly had this urge to try remember the time before you were always on my mind.. and I can't seem to remember much.

I do remember a 'before' when I could still tell myself I'm being silly and this was only because I'm lonely or something. When I could still tell myself, nothing is worth destroying a friendship yang susah sangat nak dapat at this age. A time when thoughts did not hurt that much and I could just shrug it off if I wanted to.

Now it's all there is. If I have other thoughts, even in between them, I keep going back there. It's as if I can't think of anything else and I REALLY WANT TO FORGET these stupid, stupid thoughts and feelings.

I'm supposed to independent, strong.. But after last year, I sometimes wish He didn't make me this way. He only tests us on things He knows we can go through.. I wish He didn't think I was this strong :(

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Do You Remember What You Did Exactly A Year Ago?

I do..

I remember wanting to stay in bed, exhausted after days of trying to unpack and choose what to leave in the boxes. The house is much smaller than the last one so it was kinda a chore to prioritize.. but still, fun in a way :)

I remember hearing the phone ringing and wondering who was calling me early in the morning. I didn't manage to pick up the phone in time but I remember feeling my heart fall down to the pit of my stomach when I saw who it was. It wouldn't have been a problem if someone else had not shared with me her observation of me involving this person a few days before this so I got scared and purposely misplaced my phone (yes, I could actually do that, being the scatterbrain me). Purposely also being me not looking for my phone when I realized it wasn't near me (and since I was still unpacking, mmg tak susah la nak misplace phone tu pun).

I wonder if things would have been different if I hadn't had that discussion with my friend. If my friend hadn't shared with me the change she saw in me. If I wasn't too scared that she was right and I was putting myself in for another heartbreak. If I was brave enough to face it, who knows, I would've gotten over it looooong ago. Might even realize (or at least, convinced myself) that she was wrong..

I wish things were different, you know, coz this sucks!

Monday, February 27, 2017

Change..




Ever sat down and thought about how much things have changed in one year? Exactly one year? Or one month? One week? Or even one day?

Exactly one year ago, things were different. The year was still quite new and I had so much hope for the year. It had started on the most blessed day of the week, Friday.. and by luck, my birthday was also to be on a Friday, which normally would not happen but it was a leap year so yeay!

Somehow, I had a feeling it was going to be one of the best years in my life, though in what 'department, I pun tatau but it just felt right..

Now?

I don't feel as if it's my worst year.. but it was a bit disappointing I guess..

Moving for the second time in two months at the end of January and trying to fit my 'new life' into a place less than half the space of my 'old life'.. But I AM thankful for it.. I just wish it didn't feel so exhausting (and I don't mean physically).

Then with problems from my old boss around a third way through of the year, being gaji-less for two months. Not only that, having our pay cut without any warning too.. I was too 'tired' to be angry by then.

And then the being hospitalized episode of my life.. and still struggling to stop feeling as if I'm only half a woman right now..

Then there was the 'matters of heart' which I was pretending so hard wasn't happening, only to have my friends tell me that they notice the change in me (which to them was a  happy thing but to me, scary!) I don't want to ruin a good friendship and also, I've never been lucky in this 'thing' so I wasn't really sure on what to do or how to act and such.. having always to remind myself to NEVER misinterpret anything.. because in the end, I'd just be hurting myself most of all.

By the end of the year, I was just too tired and wanted the year to end and go as far away as possible. I didn't want to remember all those mistakes, all those heartaches, all those things that kept me awake at night..

Till today, I still can't seem to muster any positivity (though, the exception is for that one day when I had that strange dream which I might or might not write about later) for the year. I'd like to say that I'm jut going with the flow but I know better.. I just don't want to hope for anything anymore. At least for now..


Saturday, February 25, 2017

Phantom Pain?

The scar hurts sometimes. Mostly the ovariectomy one (new words you learn, huh..) but the appendectomy one too sometimes.

I'd joked with Izati before, it sometimes hurts when it's raining or cold but nowadays it gets more frequent (maybe because it's raining a bit more than usual jugak kot?) It doesn't 'hurt' hurt.. More like discomfort hurt. Like it's being jerked from inside but just a quick jerk, not a prolonged one.

I sometimes want to share this with someone but I'm afraid if I'm just being dramatic so I just keep quiet about it.

I did tell Dayah about it the other day, only because I was worried. I was so relieved when she didn't act as if I was being dramatic but she told me to take more care of myself as I don't know the inside condition of my wound. The outside does seem to heal but it's the inside that I should be extra careful about.. and she told me that that may be the reason of my discomfort (sambil jeling cakap Ayu ni bukan tau dok diam haha..)

I thought of doing the pantang thing all over again because I've been eating to much eggs and chicken (which I was told NOT to eat then) but those are the only things that are easy to get. The market here doesn't have much choice of fish and I'm too lazy to go to the Pt Buntar market eversince moving here.

I'm still worried though but I think it's okay.. Maybe just a phantom pain, right? Because I'm still too conscious of the ugly scars and everytime it hurts, my hand automatically goes to the scar and I can feel the ridges and such..

I wish I wasn't too conscious of these scars though.. 😦😧😨

Friday, February 17, 2017

On My Sticky Note..

Was checking on my ol' sticky note on my desktop and found this. I don't even remember WHEN I saved it.. and I made the mistake of not copying the source too.

"One grows distant from another, not because of hatred, not because of indifference, but because of fear. There's the fear that the hurt gets greater as one gets closer; a recognition of the tendency to fall deeply, and consequently drown in a quicksand of stupid irrationalities. Sometimes, what drives one away is not the absence of emotion, but the overwhelming presence of it.."

Years later, it still makes sense.. and even more maybe :(