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Monday, March 27, 2006

Not bad.. not bad at all!

*sigh*

Another day older, another year added to the age I'll fill in all the forms that have an 'age' entry! Like I told Jida when she wished me, "I feel antique and ancient.. wonder when the 'full of wisdom' part would start coming in".

Seriously, once, I thought I'd be a 'superwoman' by now and yet.. look at me..

*double sigh*
But hey, its not that I don't appreciate all those wishes you've guys given me.. a really huge THANKS to all of you who remembered! Hmm.. lets see.. There was Dr Dzul (claming he's the first one to wish me haha..), Dr Ina (yeay, got wishes from 2 medical doctor friends), Syafiq (comel la Naruto tu..), Tomok (Yunizam), Neidi, Ramlah, Yun (tq for the card and gift), Liana, Adi (who also called as well as smsed), Izati, Mama, Ikram, kak Sue, Paijah, kak Wahid, Pojie (tq for the movie and card), Alem (thanx for the cuddly tiger thats sitting on top of my pc now.. ari tu diorg lekatkan tiger tu bagi terbalik kat screen pc.. cian die..), Awa, kak Kathy n Shidi, Aida, Jida, Toroque (thanx for the card), Alem, Lili, Juty (thanx for the Kit Kat haha..), Lie (mekaceh banjer akak McD.. lame dah tak makan oooo), Salimin, Falha, Dgon (miss you four!), Salam (mekaceh la call saya!) and Lini (thanx for the card from both of you though Salam tak sign punnnnn), Bukhorie, Helmi (mekaceh call, sowi ah kene marah, akak ingat abang sedare akak :">), Abg Sher (my irritating yet very close abang sedare who kept sending annoying voice sms with him singing 'Happy Birthday' in different versions) Azrul, Raqib (thanx for the email!), As, Ilah, Misa, Ami, Awa, Bart..

Remy (yang baru wish tadi hehe..) . Not to forget Cik Wa who had wished me on January (on my mum's birthday haha..) then two weeks ago wished me a 'Happy Belated Birthday' plak.. Cik wa.. Cik Wa.. Husnul (wish pagi tadi gakk!), kak Wan (late wish due to not being in the country lah tu), Sheila Rita (who still calls me 'kak' though she's older than me by a few weeks). Then there's Yokies and kak Maria who (regretfully.. not me la, THEY should regret it haha..) gave me a two-days-late wish, my cousin Nyah Zai (btw, 'Nyah' means middle child, ok!) And hey, nearly forgot another Dr.. Dr As, my friend in lower secondary..

Kak Shima, kak Zai, kak Zura and kak Yun also forgot my birthday, but thanx for the overdue wish anyway.. sedihnye hatiku bile memikirkan bahawa dirku dilupakan haha.. Tq belanja makan ye, kak Zura and to kak Shima, your teddy bear is right here in the post graduate room with me :-)

Err.. now I'm forgetting who else I should thank here! (ape ni Ayu.. baru 26, mana leh nyanyuk lagi..!) Lupe pulak, to Pojie and Wamlah, thank you!!!!!!!!! :-) When I wear it, I'll tell you guys.. Haa.. and Yuhyi gak, tq for the card yang dah tak boleh nak bukak dah ari ni hehe.. Hmm, sape lagi eh? Lemme check.. well, at least the names of the people who remembered WHO ALSO read my blog are here.. err, I hope so lah! To the countless, nameless people out there who also remembered, thank you..

And lastly, here are some comic strips I found, with regard to my birthday as a post-graduate.. Haha.. enjoy!


Sunday, March 19, 2006

If the world population were a dictionary..

Idayu --
[noun]:
A master of storytelling

'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Haha.. I got this from Soraya's blog and I thought I'd give it a try. Two days ago, my name meant 'someone who's an expert at being invisible'.. but today when I thought of pasting this in my blog, I got THIS as a (maybe) new and updated version of the current dictionary (???). <--No lah, just joking.. found out 5 minutes ago that if you refresh the browser, you'd get a different meaning anyway!

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Bad day..

Bad Day
Where is the moment when we need it the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue sky's faded to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the brink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Now THIS is a bad day..

And this..

As well as this..

So how do I feel, huh?


*Sigh..*

Friday, March 10, 2006

'Idayu'?

This morning I decided to skip going to the school and go pay up ALL the bills as well as change my tyres (which I should've done last month).

After deciding on what to wear, I went straight to the PBA in Jawi to pay the water bill then headed to the kedai tayar in Nibong Tebal to have my 'exhausted' tyres changed.. miskin la sekejap! I wanted to go pay the electricity bill at Kedai Tenaga in Bandar Baharu but forgot that today is Friday and Bandar Baharu is a Kedah district, so I was greeted with the sign 'TUTUP'.. oh well! After that, I went to pay my telephone bill at Maxis Parit Buntar while trying to glimpse into Maybank.. kot² teller handsome tu ada haha.. I was going to Takaful to pay next months installment of my insurance when my tummy grumbled so off I went to buy some koay teow (yummy) for breakfast before going to Takaful.

Now, I've just paid my car insurance last month and the person at the counter (who called me 'adik' though I think she must be younger than me.. or at least we're the same age!) suprised me when she asked me the address to send the policy. You see, my car is still in Abah's name so she thought it was better to send to policy to me instead of Abah. When I agreed, she instantly asked me, "Macammana nak eja Nurikhwani?" and smiled when my face revealed how suprised I was. As I recall, I didn't really leave my name around, did I? Aik, dia tau nama saya ek? Hehe..

So as I entered their office just now, she was at the counter doing the insurance of some other person. When she saw me, she smiled and asked me to sit down first. Since the newspaper caught my eye as I sat, I went through todays news while waiting.

Suddenly, I heard a distant voice calling, "Idayu.. Idayu.. boleh bayar sekarang" Thinking that she was calling to her colleague or something, I was starting to ignore it until I realized the 'boleh bayar sekarang' part. Looking up, I saw her beckoning to me and embarassed, I quickly went up to the counter to pay.

Throughout the whole time, I was feeling a bit ashamed as I never really learnt the names of the people around me. Tak kisah la kalau I only meet them once a month ke (like this lady) but if she could take the trouble trying to remember my name, why shouldn't I do it too? Malunya, Tuhan je yang tau.. still, I couldn't bring myself to ask her name.. teruk punya Ayu!

Anyway, as I went down the stairs, I suddenly giggled to myself.. IDAYU!!! Hehe, perempuan nye name tu rase.. Ye la, I AM a girl but throughtout my life, tak pernah orang panggil Idayu though that name IS part of my real name. IDAYU?!?! Hahahahahahaah..

Still, note to self: Lain kali, learn that girl's name!!!

Not a good teacher.. :'(

I just came back from my class in Bagan Serai.. with a sore throat! No prizes for guessing how loud I was shouting at my students just now. I'm just filled with this feeling of frustation..

Truth is, I've been wondering, am I cut to be a teacher?

I've loved teaching for as long as I can remember. My siblings (except Iwan and Adi la.. and Annisa sebab dia kecik lagi!) were all taught by me (poyo jekk..). I used to by these cardboards and taught them the basics of reading as well as the miracles of numbers. Mama and Abah were supportive and 'financed' my classroom (which was the guests room at home). There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to be a teacher.

However, the preassure of being in an extended family where everyone is always trying to outdo the other finally got to me and reluctantly, I furthered my studies in the engineering field. At first, I still held on to the hope of being a teacher but well-meaning relatives wanted me to do something more.. technical (is that the word?) Nope, its not that they think Education is 'easy', its just that they wanted me to 'make them proud' and be something 'bigger'.. duh! Sometimes, I just think they wanna use me..

Well, anyway, I finally got the chance to teach after I had registered my post gradute studies. A tuition centre wanted an experienced teacher but they couldn't get one. Since I had been joking with a friend about teaching a few days earlier (she's a tutor there), she suggested my name and the next thing I knew, the head of the tuition centre (Cikgu Arun) offered the job to me. Normally, he would give a probation period but since he NEEDED a teacher, I was given a permanent class instantly.

I really enjoyed my classes then. I always tried to come up with new ways to teach them and help them understand maths. To my delight, the next year, those students requested me to be their teacher, telling Cikgu Arun, "Kami tak mau cikgu lain!".. boy, was I delighted!

The next year, I was given even more classes. I was really happy with the arrangements as I got to teach on weekends. My students weren't all angels, but well, I can't really expect them to be, right? Besides, it'll be dull if they were all good boys and girls. When I excitedly talked to Toroque about my classes, he surprised me by telling me that he's sure I would make a great teacher (Bangga kejap dalam hati haha..)

This year, I'm teaching my fourth batch of students. Some of them are from my previous classes so I'm quite comfortable with them. However, recently, I've noticed something amiss..

I don't look forward to my classes anymore!

At first I thought it was a passing phase I always face (memang ade mase yang tak larat pegi punn..) but the days turn to weeks and the weeks have turned to nearly a month.. and I'm still feeling this way. In fact, I dread going to most of the classes (I'm only ok with this form 1 class in Jawi).

It terrifies me to have these feelings. I come into class expecting the worse, and to avoid the worse happening, I become so strict that I hate myself. Then the kids, being kids would go around playing in class and joking and then I'd shout at them, making me hate myself even more. I think I spent more time shouting at them, than teaching them.

That explains my sore throat!

My impatience is overwhelming that I think my patience in non-existant. I'm mad nearly all the time and I seldom smile anymore when I'm in the class. Sometimes, a student or two will say, "Cikgu, senyum la cikgu!" and instantly a smile, or better, a laugh, would come outta me but it'll vanish once I hear them fooling around and once again I'll start shouting!

Then when the class is over, I'll go into my car while fighting tears, trying to understand what has become of me. Where is the teacher in me, who loved to joke with the students and could control the class so it won't be as noisy at it is now, but will still be filled with enough laughter to make it enjoyable? Where's the idealistic girl who thought she could change these students to love learning? Where's the 'kakak' who would teach with a smile without losing her patience eventhough she has to repeat the lesson 10 times?

Do you know where she's gone to? If you do, please ask her to come back.. I need her! Not only to save my sanity, but also to save what I have left of my students feelings towards me..

Maybe my relatives were right.. I'm really a joke to the sacred teaching profession.. :'(

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Look at what I found on the net..

Manifesting True Love
by Daphne Rose Kingma

If you’ve been sitting around in the singles' department, watching the handsome guy at the pool, if you've been overwhelmed by a career that hasn't left time for intimacy, if all your friends are married and you feel like the only person in the world who hasn’t found, "the one," then you may believe that there won't ever be a true love for you.

If that's true, then you need to start believing that love does indeed await you. Just as nobody gets to Paris without believing that Paris exists, nobody falls in love without believing that a wonderful love is possible for them.

That's because conceptualization creates reality. In the story of almost every successful tycoon, we read that there was a belief that against all odds he or she would succeed some day. It's no different with you: what becomes manifest in your life arrives because consciously and unconsciously, you believe it can happen—whether it's a better job, a new car, or a true love.

The precondition of love's ever arriving is that you believe that somewhere out there is a real live person for you to love. If you believe it, it'll be true; if you don't, it will never happen. In fact, the person who could be the love of your life could step right up and look you in the eye, and you could say, "Excuse me, I've got an appointment," and head off in the opposite direction.

Believing that there's a true love for you may seem like a very small thing, but for a lot of people there's a great big hovering doubt that this wonderful thing called love could actually happen to them. Maybe you've already had twenty-four hour lousy relationships, maybe your fiancé died in a car crash, maybe you've always believed you aren't pretty enough, smart enough, or successful enough, or you're so shy that you can't even imagine having the kind of conversation that could get you into a relationship in the first place.

Remember Cinderella? She lay in rags on her pile of cinders and dusted up after her nasty stepmother and stepsisters. The furthest thing from her mind was that she, the raggedy cindersweeper, could ever fall in love.

Yet deep inside, Cinderella had faith, because when the Fairy Godmother showed up, she was open to the possibility that something good could happen to her; she didn't run away.

Instead, she put her faith in the Fairy Godmother, she accepted that the pumpkin turned into a coach, and she stepped into the little glass slippers with absolute confidence. She didn't say, "My goodness, how do you expect me to walk on these, they're going to splinter the minute I put my feet inside them?" No, she was open to love. Deep inside, she already said, "I believe in love; I believe that miracles can happen."

If you don't believe in Fairy Godmothers, you'll certainly never see one. And if you don't believe in love, it will never show up for you either. So take a risk, find the faith, open your heart, and believe that the love of your life awaits you.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

About a crush Pt. 2

I just read Nomi's latest entry. Hahah, I guess I've been giving everyone an overdose of MBC, why else would she've wrote,"syok ada sumber inspirasi ni kan. semua benda yang kita nak buat bersemangat...hmmm...agaknya...sebab tu ler kak ayu rajin basuh kete ek?rajin gi kafe...rajin gi skool...??? ye kan KAK AYU??? :-p"

Hehe, tapi betul la Nomi, entry Nomi tu buat akak senyum sorang²! Then teringat pulak kat kawan² who used to say,"Kami ingat hang tak dak perasaan!" Just because I don't seem to be interested in anyone.. well, for THOSE friends, this entry is dedicated specially for you..

Let me see; my first crush ever was this guy named James when I was 5 years old. I can still picture his crinkly eyes whenever he smiled. I don't remember if we were in the same class but he always came to talk with me and whenever we played dressing up, he was always my partner. Once, a few years back, I found a picture we took on our nature walks. He still looks cute, though he had a pouchy middle full of baby fat haha.. Wait a minute! Come to think about it, I don't remember if his name was James or Mark..

My second one was when I entered primary school. His name is Azlan (Haha, I can see you laughing Soraya!). I met him in standard one when we were in the same class (this was zaman pre-Soraya hehe..) Since we sat together and since we were both south-paws , we grew quite close as we (and Razil, another south paw) argued with everyone else that we were special and NOT freaks. However, halfway through the year we were 'separated' (Haa, ni baru masuk zaman Soraya) but I continued my crush on him until I learnt that everyone was teasing him with me everytime I passed his class. I should've been overjoyed, huh? But I freaked out (especially when his friends kept 'stalking' me -->kecik² dah pandai jadi stalker --> and I had to hide in the toilet sometimes, just to run away from them).

My third crush (sape ehhh..?) Haa, it must've been (alamak! Soraya's gonna laugh at me again) a boy who entered my class in standard 2. He was cute back then and a lot of my classmates were talking about him but truth is, I wasn't interested at first. That was until Adam started teasing me with him and kept asking if I liked that boy or not (To Soraya: Adam being Adam la kan.. the pest! Hahah..) However, it was a short-lived crush. As we grew closer as a group (him and me plus Soraya and Adam --> this is because of our love for books I guess.. we were forever swapping books with each other), he swore me to secrecy about the girl he liked at home and even showed me a picture of her (kecik² lagi dah pandai bercinta, siap tukar gambar lagi tu). And to think that I was the only one who knew.. ampeh!

The next one was when I was in standard 4, I think. To a standard 6 senior. He was a prefect and kept asking about me to my friends. I didn't like him at first coz he was painfully shy. But I guess, when a guy is shy, he's adorable (I've always felt that way eversince!). Tapi ape la nama dia eh.. dah tak ingat la.. But because of him, I was always neat and tidy haha.. cam Nomi kata, semua benda pun bersemangat!

In standard 5, I had a crush on another senior. This I remember the name: Nizam! To my suprise, Muazzah also had a crush on the same person and we were forever 'fighting' over him. During the end-of-the year prize giving ceremony, this guy was one of the 'Panca Sitara' performance by the standard sixers so me and Muazzah would be fighting to sit in front, just looking at him haha.. Once, I caught him smiling at me and was gloating happily to Muazzah, only to learn that he was teasing his friend who konon² liked me.. cehhh!! Buang karan jaaa..

Masa darjah 6, ade tak eh? I don't think I liked anyone in standard 6, I felt the guys were too boyish I guess. Even in my secondary school, I don't remember having a crush on anyone.. ade tak eh?

No wait, I don't know if you can count this as a crush but in form 5, I had this classmate during tuition. I really hated him as he was always sneering at me everytime our tutors praised me (Yup! Unbelieveably, I was a very good girl back then.. always made my teachers proud of me! Sekarang, macam hampeh je..). We only had Maths and English together but that was enough to make me bersemangat pegi tuition just to prove that I wasn't just all praises. I don't really think it was a crush, but I've always wondered, why the hell did I wanna prove anything to that guy anyway?

During matriculation, I had another crush on a friend, but aiyooo, this is too dangerous to reveal here as he might read it and I'm not giving him the pleasure of knowing it. As you might know, I hated matriculation as I wanted to go to UIA but he was one of reasons that made me like it a tiny bit. When my friends told me that he said I was cute, haha, I was on cloud nine.. serious punya suka! But lets just say, the infatuation didn't last long.. And nope, not telling more here as, like I said, its too 'dangerous'!

How about my undergraduate years? Hmmm.. never really had a real crush here as I was too shy to even look around. Maybe I liked the look of one or two people, but once I got to know them, I won't feel as excited a I initially was. Like this guy I wrote about in one of my earlier entries.. the 'bad boy' one. When people started to notice him, I started watching him too, and like I said, the bad boy image he had attracted a lot of attention. However, once he started taking a little bit of interest in me, the feelings I once had instantly turned neutral and I didn't exactly feel anything after that! Hmmm, maybe Yokies was right when he said.. never mind what he said!

The most severe one was to IM. It wasn't just a crush, but it was more than that. I laugh when I think of all the stupid things I did back then. Like I wrote to Nomi, "Hehe.. tetiba teringat kisah dedulu.. Nomi lah ni!Dulu kene tgk gak motor dia sblm p keje, klau tak, rasa tak sedap ati jek.. pastu bile balik, mesti tgk tingkap bilik dia, w/pun tak semestinya dia ada kat bilik tu.. pastu, tgk school dia pun rasa cam dpt tgk dia hahah..Pastu selalu siapkan keje cepat², sebab tau mlm² mesti online ngan dia w/pun siang tu dah sembang.. pastu, klau ujung minggu je, lepas pukul 10mlm tak bg sesapa call (klau ade org call, buat² tak perasan), sebab nnt dia nak call.. siap charge phone sampai full tuh sbb tak mau bateri abis masa tgh sembg ngan dia..Pastu pagi² nak pegi keje, kene control sbb klau tak nnt mesti dapat msg dia dok kutuk kata akak jln melelong ka apa ka.. tu kire sama time ngan dok jeling moto dia la..Heheh.. lawak la pulak bile pk skrg..*dia* = tiada kene mengena ngan MBC.."

And that is just a teeny weeny bit of it!!!

But, well, it was very teruk la. I lost interest in ANYONE else after our fight and couldn't help thinking of him everyday for THE PAST 3 YEARS!!! Gosh, I DON'T EVER wanna feel THAT way again! *shudders*

On a lighter note, the most recent one is the one I''ve been shouting about kot.. no need for elaboration there but lets just see how long it'll last!

Haha.. see, I'm not totally takdak perasaan, apa! Maybe I'm just good at hiding it all from you guys, huh?

*Alamak, tetiba je rasa: Gatal jugak aku nih!!!*

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Wedding bells and a broken heart..

I was going through my messages just now and stopped at a message I received from Mama a few days ago. She was telling me that my brother, Adi was having a fever the whole day before and told me her suspicions of the cause of his fever.

Two days before, his ex-girlfriend got married!

Well, maybe most of you who don’t know me would wonder,” What’s the big deal?” But to those who have known me AND this girl (especially my schoolmates), they’d understand. You see, in school, Zubaidah wasn’t just my junior.. She was also known as ‘Adik Ipar Ayu’.

I first heard about her when Adi was in standard 4. He had shown me the love letter she had sent to him and he was smiling excitedly. Apparently, he had been eyeing her ever since she came to his class and how happy he was when she liked him too. He even fought with his best friend since his best friend also like her, but in the end, let just say that he won her heart.

When I was in form 1 (and both of them in standard 5), I came face to face with her. I was going to see my other brother, Ikram, receive his prize while catching up with old friends during the prize giving ceremony in my old school. Suddenly, a cute little girl came up to me and asked,”Ni kak Yong ke? Saya adik Zubaidah, nak jumpa Zubaidah tak?”

I was a bit shocked to see this small girl coming up to me like this but soon I smiled when I realized there was another girl hiding behind a bush in front of us. Haha, I was introduced to Zubaidah by her own sister.. and NOT by my brother himself.

Back home, I teased Adi endlessly about how cute his girlfriend was and he smiled proudly all along. After that, whenever I came home from the hostel, he’d come and talk to me about her. Though I always laughed and teased him about it, I was secretly pleased to hear how they got along well especially when I saw how much it changed Adi positively.

When they entered secondary school, my senior (who lived near Zubaidah’s house) came along to tell me that Zubaidah was coming to AlMashoor and before long, a lot of my friends had heard about my ‘sister-in-law’. In a way, they seemed more excited in meeting her.

When I first met her in school, she was so shy, I was laughing everytime I met her.. but we hit it off, though not immediately, but lets just say we grew very close with each day. By then, my friends were always teasing her whenever she met me but I guess she grew used to it in the end.

The plus in being the big sister of her boyfriend is that I always received my favorite chocolates and other tidbits. Hehe, she must’ve learnt all about what I liked from Adi. She was like a younger sister to me and all my friends treated her the same way, making her one of the favourites of my class. Whenever we went home, she’d call Adi but if, unfortunately, I was the one who picked up the phone, Adi would have to wait since we girls chatted like, well, like girls la when we’re together.

When I was in form 5, Abah organized this motivational programme for all the exam goers. Since Zubaidah was in form 3, sitting for her PMR, she also had to go. Lucky for Adi, Abah asked him to join us too and it was then that the whole school knew about them thus adding another nickname to her (also known by the teachers): ‘Menantu Dr Zainal’! After that, the teachers always referred her as ‘adik kamu laaa..’

However, they had their first big fight after that and broke up. Though I would’ve laughed to see Adi moping around the house, I also pitied him as he seemed quite heart broken. But fate still wanted them together when both were offered a place at the same school and before long, Adi was happily telling me that they were back to being an item.

They were always studying together (both families made strict rules for them to study ONLY at either houses, ours or her, as they had seemed too much into each other.. but hey, they really obeyed those rules.. as long as they could study together). By this time, she was already calling my parent, Abah and Mama and all of us were also calling her mother, Umi! Yeah, she was one of the family and sometimes seemed to be like Abah’s favourite daughter!!!

One thing I remember the most, when they went to get their SPM results together, they had taken a bus all around the Penang Island, making both sets of parents and families so worried that the phone was always ringing. You’ve got to remember, this wasn’t the era of handphones for school children yet! Zubaidah’s grandma was so worried that she threatened to force them to get engaged once they came back home. Though I laugh at it now, it was a serious matter back then hehe..

As they continued their studies together, though at different institutes, the strain of it finally caught up with them. Till now, I don’t really understand the real cause of their breakup, but I DO remember how mad all of us were at Adi till he asked us, who was the REAL family, him or her? I mean, all of us backed Zubaidah, even Abah who was always telling us he didn’t one anyone of us to get married with anyone outside of Perak (Yet accepted the Penangite Zubaidah!)

Zubaidah was a total mess, making me more angry at Adi. She called me nearly everyday, crying! On her birthday, she talked about how Adi always remembered her birthday eversince they were in standard 5 and cried when she told me he didn’t even wish her Happy Birthday that year. On Valentines Day she’d call me, telling me about the gifts she received but she’d be crying when she told me Adi didn’t even think of her. It broke my heart seeing her like this when she was always so cheerful and Mama was always calling her to check if she was okay!

However, as the months went by, she called more seldom. I was also too busy to call her and in the end, we lost contact. In a way, I knew it hurt her to talk with me since I was Adi’s sister so I didn’t want to push her.

Still, I always thought about her.. I always missed her cheerful ways and how alike we both were. Always remembering each others birthday and always giving card without special occasions and loving surprises and tricks we pulled on each other.. the fights we had about Snoopy (my favourite cartoon) and Garfield (hers).. and quarrelling about who was ‘cuter’ (me or her haha..).. or just plain chatting with each other..

A few weeks ago, when I went home to Penang, I was going through my things when I found some old letters and cards as well as photos. I felt a lump in my throat when I read all the letters (w/pun duk satu sekolah) and cards she used to send me, sometimes just because she saw me looking a bit sad! I nearly cried when I looked through the photos, especially a framed photo she gave me of herself and her Garfield. Umi had helped to clean up the room and I dunno how she must’ve felt when she saw the picture, I daren’t ask.. I know, like us, she was also affected by their breakup.. especially since (I heard) Zubaidah had changed so much..

Umi had told us about her wedding, but deep down inside me, I couldn’t accept it. I still feel as if she’s MY ‘adik ipar’. I know Mama feels the same as the sms that prompt me to write this entry also stated,”Pagi ni teringat kat Zubaidah, rasa sedih gak.. dia jadi menantu orang lain”

Yeah, it might have a double meaning (Like:Ayu, bile you pulak nak bagi Mama menantu nih? Haha..) but I know how she felt..

I just couldn’t face it. I could’ve asked for a leave from my class but I didn’t want to. For selfish reasons, I’d rather NOT see her getting married to someone else than Adi. Especially since I know how Adi feels now! At least, for this time, let me be on Adi’s side as I had not been there earlier. No, I’m not mad at Zubaidah, dah bukan jodoh, but my brother needs me more.

Just a few weeks earlier, he told me, Zubaidah was the best girl he had ever met. She was his bestfriend as well as his lover. She changed him and I hope, he had changed her too. And both had stood up to each other during the growing up years and it’s such a shame that they’re not speaking to each other anymore. And no matter how sad I am, Adi must’ve felt the blow even more. He regrets it all, but I guess its too late now.

Yeah.. it makes me sad, but that does’t mean that I don’t want the best for them. So for Zubaidah; though you’re no longer my little billy goat, I wish all happiness in your life and may you be blessed by Allah always. May there be a day where things would be better between you and Adi (as friends la..) and may you one day, once again be my sweet billy goat.

And to my brother Adi: Learn from your mistakes. Semue bende ade hikmah, it depends on how we look at things. One day, she might forgive you, and I hope that in turn, you’d learn to forgive yourself too. She’s moved on with her life and I hope you’d move on too. I know, no one can replace her, but open your heart for someone else, ok! I love you, as I also love her too and I hope one day, you’d be good friends again..

Better stop.. I’m feeling all funny now!

*O-oh, now I’m the one who’s crying..*