Monday, August 22, 2005

Kampung Nongka, here we come!!

Yesterday was Nazek's kenduri. The most anticipated kenduri of Fawid budak kecik, kenduri abang besaq dia kaaaaan..

Started off with a misunderstanding, with me thinking we had promised to meet at USM at 11, and the guys thinking the promise was at 10. Budak kecik sangat tak sabaq, terus je pegi.. Janji nak jumpa kat R&R Gurun. Buang masa la budak kecik, kowang kene tunggu jugak!

Anyway, I went to pick the girls up around 10.30am, starting with Paijah. Then we went to Ramlah's house but she wasn't ready yet so I went to Nomi's house first before going back to Ramlah's. Thus, started the journey!

The drive to was quite boring. When I was small, I used to be fascinated with paddy fields but hey, c'mon la, bila sepanjang jalan pun tengok sawah padi, jadi boring la jugak. Even singing on the top of my vioce didn't feel so appealing haha..

We must've arrived at Gurun around 11.30am. Then, we went together to find Nazek's house. I've been there before but for the life of me, I couldn't quite remember the way. Though I may have a vague idea of the direction but still, I didn't want to make a fool outta myself in front of the guys! Still, it didn't stop the budak kecik from teasing by driving right behind me after we exited the final toll gate and when I slowed down, he refused to overtake me, hampeh!

When we arrived, the kenduri was in full swing. Meriah nye! Funny thing is, Nomi met her close friend in Poly who turned out to be Nazek's cousin. Alahai, keciknye dunia!

After salam with Nazek's mother, we were ushered to a table right in front of the house. Ingatkan meja VIP so tak berani nak duduk, but turned out to be tables for guests jugak. We were a bit embarassed at first, ye la, meja tu depan² jalan, but lapar punya pasal, duduk jugak la. First time in my life to have nasik tambah 2 times (small helping je eh!), but I wasn't the only one eh! Paijah, though didn't want nasik tambah, had 'ayaq tambah' hahah.. sapa minum sampai 3 jug nih? Then, since Nomi's friend, who was Nazek's sepupu, was paasing around the bunga telur, we received 2 each. One full with candy and the other one with nuts.. Hmmm, kreatif gak buh kacang kan! Btw, tak bleh la panggil bunga telur kan?

The best thing was that when Nazek and Kak Nas arrived, the car stopped right in front of us. Kirenye we had the front row seat view lah! Nazek memalu plak tutup muka ngan tangan, cettt! Konon! Then he stayed in the car while everyone was trying to get a glimpse of the old 'newlyweds'. budak kecik was holding the camera in his hand to take the picture of his abang besaq but his abang besaq takut cayaq kot berdiri tengah panaih nooo..

Finally, Nazek and kak Has emerged from the car. Eceeeeh, memalu la tu konon hehe.. Budak kecik managed to capture the moment.

While waiting for our turn to take picture with him, I heard someone call me. Aiseh, my junior in USM, Khalid (though I forgot who he was at first, now I remember him as the guy who was singing 'penuh perasaan' in the DK when he thought he was alone, padahal, I was right up there watching him haha..). At first I wanted to pretend that I remembered his name but he already knew that my mind wasn't quick enough to locate him from memory haha.. still, he was a good sport about it.. Sepupu Nazek tuu! Memang such a very small world la..

Then we took pictures with the bride and bridegroom, amik berkaaaaaat hehe..! Waiting to take pictures for him, his aunties kept asking who we were. When he told them we were his colleagues in USM, his aunties asked us to wait and not really to our suprise, we received another bunga telur (special one la konon) and potpourri. Haha, maybe if we stayed a bit longer, we'd be able to tapau the food too, uhuh!

Anyway, kak Fizah told me that Bukit Kayu Hitam was not really that far from Nazek's house so I persuaded the girls to go to BKH with me. Alaaa, alang² dah sampai kan. Told them, "Akak tanak beli ape², nak tengok² je" Haha.. guess who's shopping bag was the largest? Didn't buy much really, just bought some tid bits and chocolates for my juniors and some snacks for home. We didn't really want to go to the stalls at the back, fearing our money would go straight to zero there :-)

The journey home was much more quiet. Though we laughed a bit about the bride and bridegroom, AND the fact that the guys stayed back just to talk with Nazir. Question still remains though, what is the mysterious gift the guys bought for him? Rahsia sangat sampai make me very curious.. We girls had a different gift for him too (aside from the vacuum cleaner ALL of us bought for him) --> Selipar ASADI! Hehe.. sapa yang berkenaan je faham kaaaaaan, bebudak HiTEG!

Ape pun, CONGRATULATIONS to Nazek and kak Has.. Selamat pengantin 'lama' naaaaa heheh..

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Aaahhhh.. some time alone..

I had breakfast with kak Kathy this morning. Planned to buck up on my intentionally delayed work and at least complete half of it by the end of the day. We ate at Anuar's.. yummy breakfast there! Then kak Kathy wanted to go find some flowers before dropping me off at home.

Back home, I started the engine of my car before going in to get my newly washed clothes. Somehow, during that time, I suddenly felt the urge to do somethin' else so I wasn't suprised when, instead of heading to USM, I took the turn to Penang!

Now, its been a long time since I last felt comfortable being alone with myself so I was a bit doubtful. True, at the early part of the journey, my mind started to wonder to some things I'd rather forget, but as I was starting to feel teary, one of my favourite songs blasted throguh my cd player. Cranking up the volume, I sang along at the top of my voice.

More Than Love – Los Lonely Boys

we were in love before
But now it's so much more
Cause when I kiss your lips
I can't explain
What I feel in my heart for you

I don't know what I'd do
Baby, if I lost you
Cause I've been without you
And I know how it feels
And I can't be alone anymore

I know its more than love
Baby, I can feel it
When I'm close to you
I know its more than love
Baby, do you?

And maybe my words don't explain
Why I'm feelin' this way

guitar interlude

Maybe my words don't explain
Why I'm feelin' this way

I don't know what I'd do
Baby, If I lost you
Cause I've been without you
And I know how it feels
And I can't be alone anymore

I know its more than love
Baby, I can feel it
When I'm close to you
I know its more than love
Baby, I can feel it
When I'm close to you
I know its more than love
Baby, do you?

Most of you might not have heard of this song. I heard this song on the radio every night and it sort of grew on me. I like the lyrics though, very simple yet meaningful. I remember when I was searching for this song, I kept telling everyone, whoever gives me this song, I'm gonna ask him to marry me hehe..

I kept hitting the repeat button and before long, I realized I had arrived at Megamall. Now, I really wanted to go find a card for my invisible friend, its his birthday next week, but I also wanted to watch Bewitched and since I thought my usual 'cinema gang' (Sowi Pojie, ingat takmo tengok and klau Pojie tanak tengok, akak malas nak tanya kat Juty dah..) wouldn't want to watch it, I headed straight to the cinema to buy my ticket.

The show was at 1.00pm and it was still 11.35am at that time so I headed straight to my favourite store.. POPULAR! It was a good thing I only had RM 20 in my purse or I might have bought some books there. I found Polgara the Sorceress (The Belgariad) and I really enjoyed that book when I borrowed it from Toroque that I wanted to own the whole set. Nasib baik tak cukup duit.

Its really is a shame when you go into a bookstore without money but its quite much more if you go into a book shop WITH money but WITHOUT any idea on what book to buy, like how I felt when I wanted to buy a book as a birthday gift. Sangat tension when you can't find the book you want and you have to hunt for another book. Thats why I prefer going into books store without money anyway, at least you get to browse through the shelves and shelves of books. I also found out that Chronicles of Narnia set I was eyeing for so long was already missing. Ishh.. takde rezeki! I went over to the Series of Unfortunate Events but somehow, those books don't interest me as much as it once did.

I must've spent a good hour up there. By the time I finally went down to the card section, I was calculating my next months tuition money for the books I had just seen. The cards here didn't catch my attention and I decide to settle with a card I bought at Carrefour the day before when I went out with Wamlah, Salwa and Sha.

Mencelah sikit. For the first 4 years of our friendship, I always had my invisible friend's card ready around a month before his birthday and in the last two years, though we weren't on speaking terms, I still bought his cards early. This year, I must've waited till the last minute. I mean, his birthday is next Sunday I only bought his card now. Guess I'm starting to get over him (yeaaaahh riggghhhtttt!!!)

Anyway, I only had time to buy a drink before I realized the movie was about to start. Grabbing a bun (AND paying, mind you!) I rushed to the top level and was in time for the movie. I must say, it felt a bit strange walking into the cinema alone but then again, I did this when I was a student, remember! When it was so hard to coax my housemates who prefered the 'cetak rompak' cds. Maybe it was because it had been such a long time since I last did something like this. I was the only one sitting in my aisle and there was a couple behind me as well as in front of me. Biasa la, mid day shows, mana ramai owang!

When the movie started, I forgot I was alone, just like how I always feel whenever I went to the movies alone. I mean, I had been so afraid if this time I might feel a bit lonely or something, but I realized, this part of me has never changed. Still, I guess I'm a bit old to go watching movies alone if the cinema is packed. I'll still feel self-concious, I think, so I'll stick to midday shows if I wanna watch alone.

The movie wasn't THAT disappointing as kak Shima says. I laughed out loud a lot and the lot of you who have heard me laughing out loud would understand what 'OUT LOUD' means here. Hahah.. sangat malu la gelak kuat² sensowang! Thats the con for going out alone, nanti malu nak gelak ke, terjerit ke.. hehe.. I had to clamp my hands over my mouth. A nice and sweet romantic comedy, thought tak leh lawan Hitch la! I love Hitch (for the romantic comedy genre la)!!!

I came outta the cinema with this crooked smile on my face (a smile yang kene cover kalau kuar ngan orang lain hehe..). Yup, I suddenly remembered why I liked watching movies when watching a VCD/DVD could be cheaper since you could watch it no matter how many times.

I was ready to go home by then so going towards the parking lot, I made a detour to this soft toy stall. Truth is, I had already bought this lion cub key chain at the Living Cabin to replace my teddy key chain that has lost her nose and her shoe. But then at this stall, I found Ernie, the rascal of a muppet from Sesame Street and I guess his colourful attire convinced me that he was better at 'looking after' my set of keys (home keys, office keys and bilik kak Sue's keys).

Once inside my car, I started moving all my keys to Ernie. I was humming to myself by then and I refused to think of the fate of my car, come 3rd September, which is still in Abah's name. Yes, I'm worried about what might happend but just then, I didn't want it to spoil the mood. After admiring my new Ernie, I was set to go back home (errr, balik USM sebenarnya dulu).

During the way back, I, again, sang on top of my voice with the radio. C'mon la, though I don't posses the voice of Celine Dion nor Andrea Corr, at least I'm not shattering windows. Besides, if you hate my voice, don't listen ahhh heheh..

Well, arriving at USM, I suddenly realized that I had a great time. I was afraid of being alone with my thoughts, but hey, even my thoughts have missed me, I guess! Maybe, once again, I'd be able to like myself a bit more than these past few years.. and just for luck, my fingers are crossed!

This is a story of a girl..

Once upon a time ago, there was girl named Ayu, who, though loved being with her friends and family, she also loved being alone with herself. Its not that she thinks the people around her aren't important, its just that she enjoys her own company too. This is the only time when she could really be her ownself, without any pretence or being guilty of hypocrisy. When she could really be silly or clumsy or stupid without the fear of anyone judging her.

She was never alone in these moments. She had her thoughts, her hopes and her fears to accompany her. She had her dreams, even childish ones BUT it helped to stabilized the person hiding deep within her so when she has had her time in her own world, she'd seem a normal, happy girl in the real outside world.

She had the normal problems everyone has. The feeling of wanting acceptance from everyone. The feeling of wanting to please people/family but somehow not really doing a good job of it. The feeling of wanting to be someone but without enough confidence to sail through. All those normal things everyone face (I think la, everyone faces..) and when those feelings of inadequecy start to overwhelm her, she goes and have her own alone time to 'recuperate' and after that, she'd feel fine!

Her alone time could mean anything. A couple of hours in a cinema full of people. A glorious time in a bookshop where she could spend her own sweet time browsing through books. Even a whole day curled up with a new book. If she wants some movement, she just shuts herself up in her room while trying to move all the furniture around until it suits her. In short, it was anything she could enjoy doing alone with her thoughts.

However, some things happened to her that somehow, shook the protective walls she'd built all around her. She thought that after completing her studies, she'd finally be able to make her own decisions but fate has his own way of showing you the truth. One of the two persons she loved most in her life wanted to really take control of her life, leaving her feeling so helpless while the other one kept making her feel so useless and unwanted. She just wanted a pillar of strength, not a sledghammer to crash it all down. After a few weeks of trying to be her ownself, she finally succumbed to them thus throwing aside her dream to utilize what she'd been slaving for for the last three years.

Then, another thing happened. The same person trying to control her life suddenly confessed on his other marriage and the same 'other person' changed completely overnight. Things were going outta hand. She always thought these things happened to other people, too naive to realize that trust is something hard to take care of. Somehow, the 'other person' managed to make her feel as if all this might be her fault, making her feel so muddled up that she was afraid to do anything, just in case she might overstep a line she couldn't see. Confused and distressed, she started to withdraw from her family. Its not that she doesn't love them but every effort she tries to make just seems to be wrong!

Things might not be so bad if she hadn't suddenly realize she had mixed feelings for a very good friend. Try as she might, she couldn't shake off the feeling and instead tried to run away from it without confronting it making her bestfriend confused AND annoyed. One thing led to another and the next thing she knew, their friendship had already taken a turn without her friend knowing the truth of what really happened. The only thing she could hold on too was taken away from her that she felt her world crashing down all at once.

After that, she was afraid of being alone. Whenever she was alone, her mind could only dwell on these things that suddenly appeared in her life. Even her alone time was affected where her dreams kept being influenced by what had happened. She really felt so lonely.

She could no longer trust anyone so readily. She couldn't stand the quietness of it all. She hated being by herself because once she was, she could only think of the heart break that was happening inside her. Her heart didn't only feel like it was breaking, but that it was shattered into a million pieces, way beyond repair. Tears were her friends now as she didn't dare to dream anymore. Even her books were ignored, when once upon a time ago, they were her solace that took her into whatever world she wanted to be in.

She started being neglectful of herself and of all things that had once mattered so much to her. Everyday, she just wanted the day to end though she wasn't looking forward to a new one. New days didn't bring hope to her anymore, instead it brought fear in her of what else might happen. She hated herself for feeling this way but she was too cowardly to change in case her dashed hopes might pull her even lower than she already felt. Never did it occur to her that it might be herself that was bringing her down.

Weeks.. then months.. and then a couple of years pass.

As they say, Time Heals! Though it wouldn't change history even a bit, but at least the pain has faded, though the scars remain. Most of what she had believed in has been altered and changed that sometimes, she doesn't recognize herself anymore. It may be for better, or it may be for worse but maybe, deep inside her, she welcomes this change. At least, it doesn't hurt as much as before.

Somehow, she misses her alone time now. She's been missing it for quite some time now and maybe, now, she thinks she's ready for it. Its been years since she indulged in this time with herself and only herself and its been a long time since she's acquaintted herself with the real her she had known once.

So today, she is taking a step she once loved to make. Yes, she's afraid. Afraid that she might wallow in self-pity once again, like she had done whenever she was alone in the past two years but she also knows, if she doesn't try now, when else would she try? She wants to love herself like she once did, and enjoy the company that knows her the best.. that is, herself!

Good luck gal.. I know you can do it!!!

Friday, August 12, 2005

Congrats to graduates of 2005!


Like I 'blogged' (ade ke perkataan canni?) earlier, 10th August was the graduation day of my juniors. Congratulations to all!

I started the journey to the main campus around 11, I think! I had to wait for Sha's class to end and yippee! Since I already got my cheque for my tuition classes, I thought it would be a good idea to bank-in the cheque that morning. Unluckily for me, it turned out that the cheque was a Public Bank cash cheque (I only knew it when the Bank Islam officer told me about it.. talk about being ignorant me!) so I had to go all the way to Bagan Serai to get my money and since I still had a bit more time left, I went to Tabung Haji across the street to save the money. Yup, literally 'save' it since it won't be safe in my hands a minute longer!

After picking up Sha at her sister's shop, we went to SSF in Butterworth for some last minute gifts (I totally forgot about Shasha, Dgon, Mek Chu and Na). Thank God I remembered the cute candles I found in this store a few weeks earlier. Sha went upstairs to find some ribbons while I browsed at this gift bag display to select some before going downstairs in the direction of the candles. We spent some time laughing at each other in the car for our last minute efforts in trying to make everyone happy (yeahh, right haha..) when Pojie called panicky (Err.. truth is, he didn't really sound THAT panicky, I was more panicked than him, I guess hehe)! Apparently his parents passes were still with him and he was supposed to be in the hall in an hour so we rushed to Penang, (as opposed to our initial idea to take our own sweet time) in order to help my brother in distress here hehe.. cian dia!

I don't remember being so forgetful but I took the wrong turn and had to enter USM using the main gate at Batu Uban.. menyesal giler! We were bumper to bumper with other cars! The two-minute drive took almost half an hour and since Alem and Pojie wanted to pray, I asked to meet them at the masjid.

It wasn't long after me and Sha arrived that we saw Alem and Pojie. Now, Pojie, I meet him nearly everyday so seeing him didn't make any differance (ok la.. ok la.. ade la differance skit.. comel adik akak pakai suit hahaha..) but when I saw Alem, I suddenly remembered how much I missed him and the others (ref: 'I miss you guys' - April 2005) iskk.. .

Anyway, after their prayers, me and Sha (I guess I did the 'forcing' here.. "Pakai gak jubah SEKARANG!!") helped them into their robes. Waaahhh.. this proud feeling overwhelmed me. I felt like a mother hen beaming upon her growin-up chicks (Err.. not that I'm a 'mak ayam' and the boys are 'chicks' haha.. c'mon la you guys, I can't find a more suitable metaphor!!). I insisted on some 'before-officially-a-graduate' ' snapshots before I shooed them off. Still, sangat bangga seeing them in their robes! A while later, I met Zaidi, Hasni and Akmal, all with smiles on their faces. Zaidi's robe was too big for him though, sapu lantai ah!

I had to wait for Pojie's parents before I was able to go anywhere, but just their luck, his brother dropped them off at the masjid. I was afraid they won't be able to get into the DTSP in time, its quite a walk from the masjid so takpa la, jadik escort sekali sekala, dak? Haha.. I didn't have problems dulu so I don't like seeing other parents have this kind'a problem.. ye la, USM kan tempat bermain dulu heheh.. me, Iwan, Adi and Soraya would walk all the way from SKSG to USM *sigh* Those were the days, kan Soraya!

After making sure everything was ok, I went to find Sha before proceeding to the Lecture Theaters to view the event on the screen. We got this comfortable room, with only 10 people in it, though it took a while to realize kenape sikit sangat orang! At first the telecast was going quite fine, but ape ke mendenye ntah, when it was time for Civil Engineering graduates, screen padam!!! Bengong tul.. Berlari² la ngan Sha and Fizah (Salwa's sis) to find another room. Luckily, they had this small tv outside one room so we just sat in front of the tv, obscuring everyone else from watching it haha.. sangat selfish ah!

After the last Civil Engineering student had left the stage, I went with Sha to go find a video casstte for her camera. I wanted to watch Lily, Hasni, Nanie, Alem, Helmi and Mozac bla.. bla.. blaa.. but I already promised Sha. Besides, she wanted to meet her friend who had graduated that morning. Turned out her friend was my junior in AlMashoor. When Sha introduced us, she told us she knew me. I was a bit embarressed for forgetting her when she recited my FULL NAME but when she re-introduced herself, her name rang a bell! She was shorter then, but has grown to be a lovely young lady here.

Suprises of suprises, I met SORAYA! Yup, SORAYA THE MUM.. and she hasn't changed a bit since the last few years.. silap, not few lah.. I've known her since forever!! Hmm.. I must write an entry about you one day, gal! Miss you lotssss! She was calling out to me, and being the short sighted me, I didn't recognize her at first, assuming she was calling out to another 'Ayu' when suddenly, "ADA KA BUAT TAK KENAL PLAK!!" *gulp* Hey, its my ol' pal and buddy! Hehe, sorry.. seriously tak perasan! With 'Ayu' being such a common name, I always have this kinda problem!

Anyway, after helping Fizah choose some flowers for Salwa, we headed back to the expo. I was mighty thirsty, I must have drank 4 glasses of water! As 4.45 approaceh, me and Sha returned to the car to get our gifts, besides, Sha wanted to pary. But just as we were going there, we received a phone call saying the graduates had already exited *shoot*

Sha prayed while I arranged the gifts. I felt like Santa Clause with two enormous paper bags filled with my 'special edition' Bears for my favourite brothers and sisters (takde le banyak beno pun, just for a select few!), chocolates for the others as well as the candles I just bought!

The first person I met was Pok Su! I gave him his gift and took pictures with him. Waaa, lama dah tak ngarut ngan Pok Su kan? He is one of those juniors that I just got to know but I feel as if I've known him longer. Then I saw Nanie and marched over to congratulate her. She was with Remy and someone please remind me to tell Remy that most of our juniors had this idea that Nanie was Remy's girlfriend haha..

Then I met Ramlah a.k.a Wamlah! Finally I get to meet Edi, her boyfriend who's always suspicious whenever I 'kidnap' Wamlah. After that is was a blur. There was Hisham, Ansar, 'Tanjung Pemalu' (forced him to take pictures with me ;)), Yuhyi bla.. blaa.. Their joy was infectious and before long, I was feeling the same way I felt exactly 3 years ago.

Btw, Jida sent me an sms then, congratulating me on our graduation in 2002! Yup Jida, we did it! The final three-year engineering programme students in USM, BUT, we made it!

Back to that day, I was looking around for my other juniors when Imin called and I finally spotted him at the Dataran Merah. Yeah, as usual, pictures were taken! Then further on, I met Ajha, Syidah and Nije before finally locating Alem! His camera was with me and I felt a bit guilty not finding him earlier. Dia sibuk cari Jiha masa tu, seems like it was time to MEET the PARENTS hehe.. (and I don't think I need to say AGAIN that pictures were taken). Then, Lilyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! She came with her 'friend', new one this time tho' tak sempat nak gossip here and waaaaah, I miss her very much too! :'( Couldn't talk too much with her though, segan ngan her 'friend'!

Helmi called and I rushed to find him. This is one of the juniors I'm close to too, and boy, I miss him just as much as the others! Azah had already gone back to Transkerian by that time.. oooo, cari akak bile Azah dah balik je ye.. ampeh!

Then there were pictures with Na, Shitah, Spyder and Nisa' (mana bleh berpisah duorang nih hehe), Mamat, and finally the 'reunion' with Salwa.. susah giler nak cari minah ni! And yes, pictures *sentance truncated for too much repetition here*

Tried to find Pojie, his bag was still in my car, but the phone reception was terrible. Should've known really, its not as if I hadn't experienced this before, huh? Hehe, he wanted to introduce me to 'someone' but takde rezeki because of the darn reception! Len kali suh Maxis do something with the lines so phones could still be used eventhough in this 'congested' environment. Hmmm.. seems like I'm seeing nearly all my 'adik ipars' today, huh? :)

By 6.30pm, my legs were feeling like lead. Really killing me! Sakit giler kaki and I don't wear heels. Just imagine how tortured my feet would be if I did! I walked back to the masjid quite slowly now, joking with Sha about our graduating friends. Pojie finally emerged just as I was sitting down. Nope, I'm not gonna say I took pictures (hahah..just said it). Akmal was nearby too so I gave him his gift AND *not saying it again haha*

As we were heading out, Alem came so I parked balik to talk with him. This cheeky guy sangat suka mengusik me! "Tu la kak Ayu, dulu adik² ramai, seronok la.. sekarang kitorg dah takde, mesti sunyi kan!"

Waaa, I didn't realize I was crying until I saw him laughing! Ampeh nyer Alem, suka sangat usik orang masa tengah sentimental.. but its true, I really miss them. I mean, bile la lagi boleh jumpa? :'( When Zariman came and saw me crying, I had to endure him teasing me for a while. Cover skit when I handed him his chocolates but he already saw my face la haha..

I drove Alem to his car near the Health Centre and once again he took the chance to make me wanna hide my face. Alah Alem, akak tak kecik ati nyer ;p nanti dah takde sape nak usik² akak dah pasnih waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...! Couldn't even wave goodbye to him, nanti kene gelak lagi plak hehe..

Anyway, after that, we went to Prangin to buy some of my personal things before heading off to the campus to go 'mengepau' Akmal. Drove all the way to Taiping for it and I finally reached home at 3.30am.

One thing I realized, I REALLY miss them so much and I know that the next few days would be Ayu-being-sentimental days.. Alem, Helmi, Lily, Mozac, Sahar, Hasni, Spyder, Pok Su, Imin and the others, boy! I wish they were still here.. its been so quiet without them :( Going to their graduation has made me really smile and like I said earlier, the only way to describe it all is.. WOW!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Apasal tak sedap ati ni?

Woke up this morning at 7.25am (tak leh solat laa..) and instantly I felt this uneasy feeling looming in me.. kenape eh?

Sangat tak sedap hati and I don't feel comfortable this way.. really uncomfortable! This feeling has been bothering me since this morning right till now and its 12.15pm now. I don't know whats up with me today..

I'm also not comfortable with another feeling that came along.. this wat'chamacallit feeling of 'sebak'! I keep feeling as if I want a good cry here and I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY!

I mean, I was okay yesterday though I kept remembering the things I mentioned in my earlier blog BUT still, THAT didn't make me sad. In fact, I was really happy yesterday, seeing all (NEARLY all la.. tak sempat jumpa semua!) my juniors happily in their graduation robes and all that but suddenly this morning, I'm in this unbelievable mood.. God! Help me..

Really, these are the days when I completely don't understand myself!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Of "saya/awak" and "aku/hang/kau"

Oeo Tak GUNO...awat dok ajuk2 aku nih...hehehe Ni Ayunya pasal la ni..cuba ubah sket cakap tu dari saya/awak ke aku/hang...ble tak Ayu? SANGGUP TAK???­

I was browsing Baizurah a.k.a Sentot's blog yesterday when I came across an entry she, herself, posted in her guestbook! I had to laugh though heheh..

Nope, I wasn't offended.. not even a bit! I've been so used to these comments that it suprises me when some of my friend don't even notice I talk this way. Usually they only notice this when I'm talking on the phone with someone else and once I hang up, I'd be bombarded with question on who I'm talking with.. very busybody ah, you guys! Dulu, I used to be puzzled, until I learnt that supposedly, only lovers talk like that (saya/awak) to each other.. duh!

Yup, I've spent the last 18 years of my life talking with people using 'saya/awak'. The years before that don't count because at home we use "I/you". I've never been able to use 'aku/hang' or 'aku/kau' with anyone, not even my bestfriends!

It started when I was in standard 1 where the common usage then was 'kami/hangpa'! But one day, Cikgu Noerida took me aside.

Cikgu Noerida : Ayu, 'kami' tu ape maksud dia?
Me : (wanting to please) Kami tu ramai orang, macam 'we'
Cikgu Noerida : Habis tu, kenapa Ayu cakap 'kami'?
Me : (a bit ashamed here) Salah ke? Kene guna ape?
Cikgu Noerida : Kalau untuk sorang, kite guna ape?
Me : Errr.. saya?
Cikgu Noerida : Pandai pun, lepas ni Ayu guna 'saya/awak' tau.
Ayu : Ok!

And from that day on, I never used any other form except 'saya/awak'. Still, a few years back, I realized that whenever I was mad at my siblings (biasa laaa.. the eldest rules kaaaaan!!), I'd find myself saying 'aku' and *shudders* I hated it! I had a hard time trying to shake that habit from me and thankfully, I don't talk that way again. Not that 'aku' isn't a good word, just that is seems so harsh la, kasar giler bile guna time marah, kan!

And I'm not saying my choice of 'saya/awak' is better than 'aku/hang/kau' because *ashamed*, I talk like this to my extended family too. I don't say 'awak' la to them, I just use 'saya' when everyone else uses their names as referance to themselves. I am a bit ashamed of this. I've tried using 'Ayu' as referance to myself but I end up tongue-tied, trying not to imagine myself as a third person. I especially abandoned the idea of using 'Ayu' when my aunty, Mak Yang (who's in Tangkak now), laughed her head off when I tried speaking like that.

Mak Yang : Ayu, kome nak bakar sampah tak petang ni?
Me : Boleh jugak, takpe, nanti Ayu buat..
Mak Yang : Huh? Ayu? Hahahahahahaha.. Ayuuuuuuuuuu! Dia cakap Ayuuuu

I was taunted by her until the end of the school holidays (Hahahah, Ayuuuu.. !) I guess, even SHE finds it strange hearing me talk like that hahah.. However, in Mama's family, I don't really feel like the odd one out since even Mak Yang's children talk using 'saya' with our elders too.. *whew* But with Abah's family, its a different matter hahah.. In fact, once when I was quarelling with Iwan, he retorted saying I was 'strange' for calling myself 'saya' instead of 'Ayu'. That boy ahhhh, he made me feel like a freak for a whole week until the others assured me that its ok to say 'saya'!

I remember in KMK, this guy used to call me 'biawak' coz I always talked in 'saya/awak'. Hah! I don't care, this is what I am. In fact, most of my freinds remember me as the 'saya/awak' girl.

And please don't misunderstand, though I'll never be comfortable using 'aku/hang/kau' in my conversations, its not like I don't like it. In fact, in my honest opinion, it shows the very close relationship of two individuals though don't you guys ever say that I don't want to be close to people because of the way I speak ;-p

Monday, August 08, 2005

Missing someone is..

I got this from an email I read this morning.. forwarded to me by my junior, Shasha. Hmmm.. quite approriate for the moment..

Missing someone is a terrible but at the same time, sweet feeling. U will be sitting around wondering if u meant anything to him/her. Thinking if he/she ever cares about u.

Rushing to the phone once it rings hoping that it's him/her.

Looking out of the window hoping that he/she will surprise u by appearing downstairs.

Sitting in front of the television but thinking of him/her missing the final episode of your favourite show.

Lying on your bed, thinking of the last time u went out together.

Thinking of how nice it will be to sit under the stars again, talking about everything, your dreams, plans, future.

Logging on to the internet hoping to see him/her online. When u realise that he/she isn't online and did not return your page, u will start worrying if he/she is okay.

Missing someone is a way of growing up i guess.
It exposes you to loneliness.
It teaches you how to cope with being lonely and let you know that there is actually a feeling known as emptiness.
Sometimes it feels good to miss someone.
You know that you really care and you indulge in the feeling of loving/caring for him/her.
But missing someone and not knowing if he/she is feeling the same is terrible.
You feel as if you are being left alone.
So if you miss someone, tell him/her and let them know.
At the same time, ask if they miss you.

Don't let the feeling of missing someone become jealousy or paranoid.
If u are the one being missed and u know it, let the other party know.
If u miss him/her too, tell them.
Don't let them wait.

Truth is, for the past few days, I've been missing someone. I mean, REALLY missing! Its not that I haven't been thinking of that person nowadays, its just that I've been thinking too much about this person recently.. and I don't really want to do that coz it still hurts..

I've been spending 3 sleepless (not entirely sleepless laa, I'm not the hopeless case I was before, ya!) nights thinking of what has happened, what went wrong and what could have been AND to be frank, its driving me crazy! Suddenly, everything reminds me of this person :(

Yesterday, when watching 3R, they had this letter about a girl who fell in love with her best friend (BUT eventually THEY got married and are happy!). At first, I felt this thug in my heart but I burst out laughing when I saw kak Shima looking at me. Great minds think alike, eh! Good thing we understand each other VERY much on this subject.

Still, last night, my mind went wandering to a few years back. See, this Wednesday, my juniors (Congratulations Alem, Lily, Helmi, Mozac, Pojie, Ramlah, Salimin, PokSu, Salwa and many more) would be graduating at DTSP. This Wednesday would be the 10th of August 2005. Exactly 3 years before, 10th August 2002, was MY graduation (final batch of the 3-year engineering-degree programme) and at that time, me and this person were still great.. silap, BESTfriends! Okay.. okay, I admit, I've been looking through my graduation pictures!

Then 2 years ago it changed. On 10th August 2003, the day some of our friends graduated, me and this person weren't even on speaking terms. Maybe on the trying-to-patch-things-up terms but I guess it didn't work out!

Last year was worse, 10th August 2004 and NOTHING!!!

And this year, I feel like a fool!


How did things end up this way, huh? Why, ooo why, do I still think about this person when this person doesn't? Why, of all things, does this bother me so much?

Most importantly, why hasn't the pain gone away and WHY, I must ask, does it still hurt this way?

Monday, August 01, 2005

Care Bears stare!!!

On Saturday, I went to have dinner with kak Kathy at Yakin Teguh. It had been a long time since I ate there and since kak Kathy wanted to eat something light, it was our obvious choice. After filling ourselves with fish fillet and cuts of black pepper chicken, we started to head back home when I noticed this shop beside Yakin Teguh.

Now, truth is, I've noticed this shop dari dulu lagi but I never felt the need to venture in it. However, due to the fact that I still haven't bought any graduation gifts for my juniors, I just HAd to go check out what they had.

True enough, they had all sizes and shapes of soft toys with graduation 'hats' (Alamak! What's the better word here?). However, my eyes strayed to these two bears, one was peachy orange and the other was purple. Since I wanted to look for graduation gifts, I took my eyes off these bears and went round the shop but somehow, I ended up at those bears.

I shouted in delight when I noticed what had attracted me to these bears. They were Care Bears! Most of us must be familiar with these bears when we were smaller, right! These colourful bears have been mates with most of us during our childhood, in fact, me, Iwan and Adi had our own Care Bears when we were smaller. Uncle Rahim bought them for us when he had some business in Newcastle and came staying with us. He bought me the Friend Bear while Iwan got Grumpy Bear and Adi got Bedtime Bear.

The bear I was holding was the Friend Bear (I knew her from the two flowers on her tummy) and I knew I had to buy it hahah.. Don't ask me why! But I certainly was thinking of showing it to Izati who somehow had taken over the ownership of my original Friend Bear.

That night, I wasn't suprised when Ramlah recognized the cuddly toy as a Care Bear. We talked a bit about the Care Bears cartoon while Salwa tried to remember it :D The next day, when picking up Salwa, Pojie and Rini from the Desa, even Pojie remembered the Care Bears, telling us he also had a green one.. must be Lucky Bear or something!

When I took Ramlah and Salwa to the same shop (diorang nak cari hadiah konvo gak), I just HAD to buy the other Care Bear on display.. Share Bear, the one with two lollipops on her tummy. I went to ask the shop owner if she had other Care Bears in store but sadly she said no. Still, she suprised me when she talked about being a fan of the Care Bears when she too, was small.

Wow! Suddenly I miss these cartoons. I never failed watching Care Bears on tv and usually when it was aired, me, Iwan and Adi would be clutching our Care Bears in our hands. Even when we outgrew these type of cartoon, our Care Bears were still looked after carefully!

Yesterday when I was looking at these two new Care Bears I own, I suddenly remembered all those cartoons we used to see when smaller and how we loved to have their soft toys (me la..) or action figures (Iwan and Adi).

Lets see..

I had a Rainbow Brite once.. remember Rainbow Brite? She's this girl who wears this colourful dress with red shoes and colourful socks and she's always helping people with the power of her rainbow. Maybe some of you have forgotten her but I assure you, if the cartoon comes back on tv (yeayyy.. right!) you'd recognize her instantly!

I also had a big cuddly My Little Pony which for now, I can't remember her name. But she had a rainbow coloured mane and tail and had 3 tiny umbrellas on each of her side. I wanted to get the unicorn, which I also don't remember her name but since it was way up high on the shelf, I just told Abah I wanted this one. I still have her though she's in Penang. Her hair has turned all messy since my brothers (don't remember which one too) kept trying to play with her colourful hair and once the even tried to cut it off!

What else have I got? Hey.. remember the Get-Along Gang? The tune of the cartoon show is here in my head right now.I loved this cartoon that I'm sure I have a toy moose somewhere. Yup, I can't remember their names but I do remember the moose, since he always seemed to stand out from the rest (raccoon, squirrels bla.. bla..)

Even now, I have this McDonalds collection of the Sesame Street. It was my favourite educational programme, along with Iwan and Adi though we didn't realize how much it helped us. We had more fun participating in the ABCs and 123s and songs without noticing how much we had gained. Recently I went to Megamall and saw these cute Cookie monster, Ernie, Bert bla.. bla.. blaa.. I'm thinking of buying them in the near future, though :P

Iwan once had these Star Wars collectibles. It was displayed in our bedroom and we were not allowed to play with it much, well, it must've cost a fortune. We left it in Newcastle when we came back here. Iwan was very upset though coz he loved his Star Wars.

How about Adi? He was never without his He-Man and Prince Adam action figures. Even when his He-Man or Prince Adam had their arms torn off, he'd still play with them. kononnya He-Man bleh lawan lagi la eventhough takde tangan. Funnily, I seem to remember his Bedtime Bear and He-Man being friends in this play Adi made up!

We had a friend once, Alex. He was the only child so he loved having us over. The boys used to play with his Robotronics while I, the only girl, was usually given the task to arrange his Smurfs. Yup, I also loved Smurfs. Alex had this whole collection of Smurfs and his parents had bought him this toy village for Smurfs. Remember Papa Smurf? Brainy? Then there's this sleepy Smurf (Somehow, all these cartoons MUST have a sleepy one, huh?) And the she-Smurf whatever her name was..

Ooo.. nearly forgot about Ikram. His favourite was his Ninja Turltes action figures. I don't remember if he had the whole set or anything, but these Ninja turtles help him through the night when he was afraid of the dark!

Sometimes my parents would also buy us books based on our heroes. Like He-Man, She-Ra, G-Force, Care Bears, Strawberry Shortcake (yup, I also had a toy of her too!) and the list goes on. This might be due to the fact that all of us loved reading when we were small. Well, who wouldn't if you had a mother who's doing her Bachelors degree and a father doing PhD. I started reading when I was 2 (according to relatives la..) and Iwan and Adi followed suit when they grew up! I followed my parents footsteps and prefer to buy my siblings books on their birthdays, the most expensive one being the Star Wars 3-in-1 set of books I gave to Ikram when he was in Standard 6.

Well, truth is, when we played together (this excludes the times we'd sit together and share a quiet moment of reading books), we loved LEGO and DUPLO more. Sometimes we'd play board games or card games (favourite will always be Happy Family which teaches us to be polite aside from having fun!) I mean, my parents were more onto these kinda games/toys since its stipulates the brain but then, once in a while, they DO help to indulge us on our individual favourite toys so Mama and Abah, thank you!

I guess, deep down inside, I'm still a fan to all these cartoons and soft toys! And.. I really don't think I'd wanna change that fact :)