Thursday, April 28, 2005

Of Sentot and Adam 10 years ago

Just talked to Sentot a while ago.. and, God, I haven't laughed that much since.. well, for a very long time.. Sentot, I really miss you la, bile nak buat reunion? Tunggu sesama dah kurus skit eh?

Baizurah/Yah/Sentot (my favourite nickname for you!),
I guess we both laughed ourselves silly this morning. I earned curious and worried glances from my colleagues. Must been wondering what has suddenly gotten into me.

Let me just refresh your memory of what happened during that eventful week haha..

Remember how all-over Adam you were? Eversince the day you saw him during our Projek Cemerlang Akedemik (PCA), you were always talking non-stop about him. You even kept pestering us for his phone number, and only God knows how you finally obtained it. Even I don't remember how. Was it from me huh? Don't think so, my secondary school years were spent hiding from every living guy. I even remember what Adam said about me, "Ayu tanak layan aku langsung. Dia buat aku macam p**** kutip botol tepi jalan." Language dia, bleh tahan masa tu hehe..

Anyway, the prank started when we were supposed to submit our Kajian Tempatan for our PMR. I was so busy during that time, that I must have not talked to you fo quite a while. You, on the other hand, was feeling as if I was avoiding you so you told Ami. Either you or Ami then made the assumption that maybe I was jelous of you and Adam but I think it was our clown of a friend, Ami, who put the idea in your head. Ami kan terror nak kenakan orang camtu (she must have had the idea from this point haha..) and you talked to her about this. Salah besaq tu, Sentot! Knowing cheeky Ami, you should have guessed what was to follow.

At first, me and Ami just laughed it off. I'm sure I went to talk to after that just to make sure you won't be feeling that way. But then came the second 'event'. Apparantly, you wanted to call Adam for a chat but found his phone engaged. Then you tried to call me, but found out that my house phone was also engaged (btw, I was talking to Ami la masa tu). Then you called Ami, who had just finished talking to me and told her that you think something was going on between me and Adam. Ami must have sensed the greatest prank of 3 Melati that she called me again after talking to you and together we devised a plan. Tabik la kat Ami, dia mmg pakar!

The next few days, I had to pretend to avoid you. How hard that was cause, well, you know me, I laugh too easily so I had to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing. When me, Sarina, Ami and Shipah were joking aorund and you came to join us, I abruptly stood up and went to the other side of the room haha.. I don't remember what else I did but I had to make sure that you knew I was avoiding you, right? Haha..

Then Ami pretended to be secretive around you. She acted as if she knew something you didn't know but she didn't have any idea on how to tell you. After a few days of avoiding you, I sent you 'THE LETTER' haha.. I really hope that you still keep the letter, I'd like to see it again one of these days.

In the letter (Berapa pages ah? Lupa la, but it was quite a long letter kan?), I told you, konon la, that I was with Adam hahahaha.. Sebenarnya, if Adam knew this during that time, I'm sure I'd hear more 'colourful' words from him. But my writing skills during that period must have been in the topmost condition, coz my dear Sentot, you fell for it! And that alone can make me laugh non-stop. FYI, the letter was circulated amongst our friends before I sent it to you. I got a wide variety of reactions from everyone ranging from "Tak baik la korang pekena dia canni" to "Haha, tak sabar nak tengok apa nak jadi nanti". Unfortunately, nothing they said could ever make me change my mind about sending you the letter.

I had to avoid you for two days after the letter incident, cause I was really trying my best to supress the laughter that was threatening to come out of my mouth everytime I saw you. I'm not really a good actress so I had to pretend to ignore you.

But my sweet friend, you proved to be quite a gem, and I love you for that. This is who you could call a friend. You replied to my letter and how touching it was for me. You told me that you weren't mad. That you still wanted me as your friend. That you didn't want any guy to come between our friendship. You said, you'd choose me as your friend over any guy. Seriuosly la Baizurah, saya terharu. In fact, made me feel quite guilty for a while. You didn't even blame me. Waaa, bersalah giler rasa.. I still keep the letter, and reading it still makes me feel so lucky to have you as a friend.. though sometimes, I still laugh out loud when I read the letter, remembering how we played around with your 'innocence'.

It took me a while to be able to face you, but the moment I could, I just burst out in laughter, remember? You came to me in class, trying to talk to me since I'd been avoiding you for more than a week, but just as you sat beside me, I laughed till tears came out of my eyes. I just couldn't help it. I still remember your confused face, and now I DO feel a mite guilty.. sorry la Baizurah! Then Ami came and laughed to then we confessed our sin. You just sat that dumbfounded but finally, you too laughed with us. See Sentot, we wouldn't have played the joke on you if we knew you couldn't take it but how wrong I was hahah.. But I was glad it was over la, its really very tiring, pretending to avoid you. I mean, we always had so much to talk about so the past week was very.. very.. ape eh.. very tak best hehe..

We laughed for days about the incident and you being a good sport, suffered our torture of teasing you endlessly about the letter but hey, wait a moment..

A few days later, while our in BM class, Nurul came knocking at our door and requested to see me. I went to her a bit confused. Then I noticed a familiar envelope in her hand and my heart sank a bit. What came out of her mouth not only made my heart sank further, in fact, it made my heart dissolve until nothing was left and my mind blank for quite a while.

"Ayu, cikgu Nab jumpa surat ni. Dia nak jumpa awak kat bilik kaunseling pukul 11 nanti. Bawak sekali surat ni"

Everyone saw the colour drain from my face. After thanking Nurul, I walked back into class in a daze. In my heart, "Mati aku"

All of you came to me asking what the matter was. After I told everyone, the class was quiet. When we asked were you put the letter, you told me that it must have slipped from you somehow. But we didn't blame you. I was thinking that this was a penance for the joke we played on you. I couldn't concentrate on anything that morning. Cikgu Nab was one of the teachers I most feared during form 3 and being summoned to the bilik Kaunseling wasn't something to be proud of. I was already trying to come up with a good excuse, even made my mind to tell the truth. I could imagine what Abah would say. I mean, I've embarassed him when he's been doing a lot for the school. What would people say, the daughter of the PTA chairman being suspended or worse, expelled!

The whole class must have sympathised with me. You kept asking for forgiveness (cesss, berlakon!) and I was dreading 11 o'clock. Finally, at 10.55 or sometime near that, you and Nurul (sanggup tu datang dari kelas sebelah) came to me and said, "Ayu, saya tipu la!"

Ya Allah, how relieved I was masa tu. Rasa nak sujud syukur hehe.. I instantly smiled but when I looked at your victorious face, I had to put up a smug look just to show that I wasn't fooled haha.. But c'mon la, who am I kidding, the whole class saw my pale face. I have to admit, you pulled a good one on me, sapa sangka, Sentot pandai nak kenakan orang! Finally, you got the last laugh.

Haha.. I still can't get over the feeling I got when Nurul told me cikgu Nab wanted to see me. I still get the shivers when I remember it. Still can't accept that I was defeated by you la, Sentot.

Now, 10 years later, we've all grown. Even Adam has his own family -wife and his twin daughters. The Adam now, is totally different from 10 years ago. Now you get advice and hadises from him. I like the change though, Adam, never thought you'd change that way, but I like it. So different from the school boy who used to pick up dead leeches and put them in Soraya and my school bags when he was irritated with us. Hmm, that could be another blog entry la kot..

For Baizurah aka Sentot, don't you ever do anything like that to me again! I could get a heart attack, tau. It took me hours to get my heart rate back to normal.. come to think of it, it was only back to normal when you told me about the prank. But one of these days, lets sip tea and compare notes on other things we used to do. We'll have Ami around and it'll be like the ol' days.

As for Adam Shah haha.. If one day, you EVER get the chance to read this, betcha' didn't expect your name to be thrown around in vain just like that, sorry my friend. Didn't mean to offend you. Consider it a compliment (though for the life of me, I can't imagine what Baizurah saw in you.. guess she didn't get the privellage to know the cheeky you since standard 1). And sorry for not making the effort to renew the friendship during those secondary school years. Saya kan pemalu hahaha.. At least we're on speaking (or more like online chatting) terms now.

Wow.. memories.. memories..

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

A story of chicken, onions, mosquitoes and us.. not a romantic one looorr..

Yesterday was another unofficial "Lets not do work" day for us.

All of us were in the mood for the coming BBQ at Nazir's house so we came to work, NOT in the mood to do any. Most of us were playing online games and chatting with each other the whole morning. At 10.30am sharp, all of us made our usual trip to the cafeteria. Though we didn't plan to eat a lot ("Akak nak makan kuih jeee.." Haha..), the 'ayam masak lemak' caught Nomi's and my attention. After not as much as 5 minutes of consideration, we guiltily took plates for a bit of rice to eat with the chicken dish which turned out to be quite hot.

At 1 o'clock, we had another trip to get food. This time it was to KFC. Man has been wanting to buy us lunch for a long time there and since it would be Nazir's last day here, Man decided to take us to KFC that very day. I was already thinking of how much chicken we'd be eating throughout the day so I declined any fried chicken, as well as Faezah but we went along for burgers. Hey, at least a fillet, though still made with chicken, doesn't resemble any part of the chicken. We also had a chocolate cake, compliments of Ramlah which we asked the baker to write 'Blah! Shooh! Shooh!' on top, just for the fun of it hehe..

We must have exited KFC around 2.30pm. By then I was fretting over my potato salad and Trifle Pudding which I haven't even started with yet. Even Nomi was a bit worried over her air asam so it was decided that we would meet at my house later for a 'gotong royong'. Arriving at home, I quickly changed and was in my 'pudding mode'. Luckily, its a simple thing to make so after clearing up the mess and cooling the pudding in the fridge, I proceeded to peel the potatoes.

Around 3.45pm, Nomi arrived and a few minutes later, Faezah came. They helped me peel the 2kg of potatoes before we helped Nomi with her onions. There were so much onions that we 'cried'. It was a good thing there were the three of us so we had a good laugh about it, each of us making up stories on why we were crying, the most famous one of being sad that Nazir was leaving. I've never seen so much onions in my life (except at kenduris where the onions are of course much² more). A whole big tupperware was filled with the sliced onions and the smell just made us sniff even more.

The air asam was made by Faezah and Nomi who made remarks about everything while they worked that I had to laugh. I was busy with my potatoe salad by that time. We must have finished all the works around 5.45pm. Not bad, huh? The girls then went home to get ready. By the way, I had to cancel my tuition for this BBQ la, Nazir (ngungkit nih.. hehe..).

At 8.15pm, Nomi came to my house to get the air asam. We had a potful of it. She came with Has, with the intention of asking Has to hold it, Unluckily, the pot must have overturned or something and they were kind'a drenched with it but still, we had a lot more fr,m what was wasted. Sian Nomi, she says her car still smells of belacan and air asam till this morning.

After Nomi left, I went to fetch Yun, Ramlah, Fared and Remy. Unfortunately, Remy was too tired to go so we went just the four of us.

Arriving at Nazir's house, we found out that we were the last to arrived (if you count out Erwan who came much later). BBQ activities were in full swing so I guess we just arrived to set the table and eat. We had chicken (again), two flavours too, just like at KFC, one being a black pepper one and the other one a quite hot recipe. Tapi takde la pedas sgt pun hehe.. Kak Sue bought her two eldest children, Abang and Shikin. Hasrul came as a whole family with lil' Hasif in tow. Zul came with his wife but Man went home early because his daughter was at home.

We had fun eating and teasing. Farid captured the moment with the video camera though I really hate it when it was focused on me. Never really been camera friendly hehe.. One thing must be highlighted here. The mosquitoes were sooooooooo.. gosh! I don't have the right word for it.. ravenous! We were busy scratching ourselves while eating but it didn't really take away the fun from eating together. I didn't realize when Farid taped me scratching myself.. buruk la, Farid! Sangat tak aci buat akak camtu hehe..

By 11, everyone had kind'a stopped eating. Has was busy 'tapau'ing for her friends (or is it for her?) and kak Ana was ready to go home. Kak Sue and the others took charge of the 'tapau'ing while the rest of us chatted around. By this time, Zul was the one recording everyone. I had a good time bullying Farid into finishing my potatoe salad and the remains of the trifle pudding and Faezah's puding jagung. Nazir even came and wanted to upgrade the bullying to 'Fear Factor' by asking Farid to drink the whole pot of air asam we had left.

My group must have been the last to leave. Me, Yun and Ramlah washed the dirty containers while Fared chatted with the guys. We'll he had been busy with the BBQing so, kasik can la nooo. After completing our 'tasks', I sent them home before retiring to my own house. Content and very full haha..

Just saw what they'd been taping and I'm going to choke Farid. Akak dah cakap tak suka amik gambar laaaaa.. ni yang nak marah ni heheh.. ;-p

Sunday, April 24, 2005

I vow to lose weight.. err, but can I?

I was getting ready to go out this morning. Tomorrow we're going to have this BBQ for Nazir who'll be starting his new job in UUM next month (I think la..)I promised to whip up mashed potatoes with gravy (or maybe I'll change to potato salad) and Trifle Pudding so I have to go out to buy the things I need. Not that Parit Buntar doesn't have these things but I just want to go outside of this 'coccoon' for a while.

Anyway, enough about that. While getting ready, I noticed that I was choosing a t'shirt I've worn last week AND the week before. Grumbling, I put the t-shirt back in my drawer and pulled out another one that I also wore two weeks ago. In fact, I just realized that whatever t-shirt I chose, I've been wearing it the last time I went out or before that. Puzzled, I mean, my drawers are so full of clothes, I just reached out for the other tops I had and u-huh, I saw the problem here!

Lets go back in time a bit. Last year, (I still remember it happened in March, ironically on my birthday month!), I gained nearly 10kg in 2 weeks! Shocking huh? Even my housemates were dumbfounded. I mean, I eat with them everyday and kak Shima confirmed that my eating habits didn't even change but the weight gain was so huge that even when she see's me everyday, she could notice the sudden 'outburst'. My colleagues kak Sue and kak Bibah also commented of my physical shape too. At first I was worried. Hey, I'm an avid fan of the Readers Digest and I always read the health section where a few month ago stated that if you gain more than 1 kilo per week, you should consult the doctor. I was doing a 5 kilos per week and I was petrified! I was even planning to go for a check up (tapi plan tinggal plan je la kan.. know how lazy I am!)

Now, Ive never really been the skinny waif-like type of person. Eversince I was in my teens, I've always had my fair share of chubbiness. Not that I complain, I mean, my BMI has always been in the middle range of 'normal'. But gaining THAT much weight really scared me a bit. In my haste, I even went out to buy 4 pairs of good (but thankufully on sale) jeans of which I regret buying three of them now. All the while, I always had to buy size 29 to accommodate my generous thighs though the waist would always have room for a rolling pin, if I chose to steal it from the supermarket. Don't ask me why, even Adi (my brother) has big thighs so I guess it runs in the family so the both of us has always had to buy bigger sizes of jeans/pants. No amount of aerobics has ever helped me in that part of my body.

Opsss.. lari topic plak! Anyway, in my craziness after gaining that much weight, I bought 4 pairs of jeans with sizes from 31 to 32, can you believe that! Now I can't wear most of it coz the waist is too loose for my liking. I keep imagining it will fall off me one day. Nasib baik on sale, kalau tak, wa manyak lugi oooooo..

Anyway, because of the weight gain, I couldn't wear most of my t-shirts without feeling conscious. Luckily, I've always liked to buy big t-shirts so there were still a few that I feel comfortable in. Some were still ok, but I was suddenly conscious of my b*** whenever I wore a t-shirt so another half of my wardrobe was discarded too. Even my baju kurungs were 'screened' so about a quarter of them had to be hidden away. Mama was happy though because since I couldn't wear half of my clothes, I had to go out and buy new ones which caused a fortune but which she liked better since I bought more lady-like blouses this time.

You might suggest a diet. Haha, been there, done that but I'm not the disciplined type. I mean, with the wide variety of Malaysian food, I could never understand how anyone could hold on to a diet. I'm really impressed with kak Kt when she sticked to her diet and just look at the results but I know I'm not that type. Sometimes, I can eat all I want but there are time when I don't eat for ages. Its not that I don't try, but the longest I did it was for less than two weeks.. duh!

Exercising perhaps? I'm not into sports, except it you count walking to the cafeteria as a sport haha.. Seriously, I don't play sports. Never had a knack for it. Though once upon a time ago I was an aerobics buff. Its fun to go there with your friends really. At that time, I'd also go and have a game or two of badminton (though I still can't understand the rules) every week with Yun, kak Aida, kak Salina, kak Yani and Aina. Now, the only exercise I do is cycling from my home to USM and doing 2 rounds around the campus every holiday (except when it rains).

But this morning, after feeling frustrated by the lack of clothes I can wear without feeling conscious, I've made a vow to lose weight. My aim is to lose at least 7 kilos by Jun. Err, is it a logical aim, I wonder?

Hey, wait! I can't start my diet today cause I'm hungry for pasar malam food. I can't even start tomorrow since we'll be having the BBQ. The day after tomorrow won't be a good idea too cause I'm having 2 tuition classes that day. And on Wednesday I'll need to eat a lot cause I want to fast on Thursday. Hmm.. now I wonder, could I pull off this unbelievable feat or what?

Wish me luck, you guys!

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Wedding bells are ringing.. but not mine, OK!

"Here comes the bride.. all dressed in white.."

Okay.. okay! Before somebody starts saying, "Here she goes again", let me tell you, I'm not rambling about being single or all that, okay! Err, maybe just a teeny bit but that is not the main point of this piece of writing.

I just met Sid and Anuar. They came here to USM to deliver their invitation cards and I must say here that they really 'glowed'. I mean, it must be because they're happy and all that but I never thought that happiness really shows. It made me smile just watching them. Their mood was really infectious.

They must have given their cards to almost everyone on the campus. Now this is a good example of people who remember everyone who has touched thier lives. In addition to their friends and lecturers, they also invited the 'mak cik dobi'(whom Anuar knows by name, though he forgot it for a while), the security guards (especially one who Sid remembers quite fondly as someone who once helped her), kak Jun (the kakak who's been doing our photocopies eversince our first year in USMKCP) and basically everyone. Their gesture is something that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Now, I might have dismissed all this if not because of the sudden avalanche of wedding invitations I've been receiving for the past few weeks. I mean, just last week, nope, last two weeks, I was in Kuantan as the maid of honour for Lin's wedding. Then, while I was in Melaka and Negeri Sembilan, two of my friends messaged me for my address. One was Olie (my friend from the matriculation days in KMK) and the other one was Juki (my ex-coursemate here in USM, though, being the 'shy' person I was, I don't think I have ever spoken more than 10 words to him.. must be the wedding vibes haha..). Both of them were inviting me to their reception, and I was like, "Kenduri lagi.." hehe..

Then coming back to USM, my friend Yati informed me that she has posted her invitation to me and that it would arrive anytime (yesterday to be exact). Today, Sid was the one to deliver yet another card. And thats not yet mentioning Shaikh and Mastura's wedding which I know I have to attend since I know both of them.

How about Ogy's rumoured wedding which she refuses to comment upon though we have evidence of it happening in the near future? And kak Sally's engagement? Yeah, its even time for everyone getting engaged.. Alfy got engaged last week and Nazir yesterday. Waaaaaaaaaaa, I'm feeling more left out by the minute!

So in front of me right now is a collection of recent invitations. I'm doing my best to amuse myself by picking out which is the prettiest card. Which card feels most inviting. Which card best describes 'sweet and simple' and etc. Really, cards are getting more creative by the day so by my simple calculation, my card whould be the most creative of all, right?

Chatting with Sentot just now makes me realize how loud wedding bells are ringing. She keeps asking about me, so thankfully she's not here in front of me, or she might get a good 'knocking' that'll make her more sentot than ever (Sorry, Baizurah!! :-p) Even Juma, whom everyone loved to hate during the school days, is getting married. But hey, she can take her pick anyway, right?

Speaking about Juma, Ami just smsed me and I told her about Sid's kenduri. I could really imagine her answer even before I received it.

"Kenduri lagi? Kenduri.. kenduri.. Ayu, kite bila? Bila? Bila?"

Hahah.. good ol' Ami and her cries really make me laugh! I could rely on her to grow as old maids together, though I know, if she even gets a whiff of what I'd just said, she might say, "Pi la jadi old maid sorang²!! Saya tak mau.. Ayuuuuuu, saya nak kahwin" Don't worry la, Ami, I always say that God saves the best for last hahah -->ayat penyedap hati!
(P/S to Ami, if you ever read this --> Sorry! Hehe, saya kutuk awak sikit je punnn.. sikiiiit je.. Baizurah lagi sian, sampai skrg saya panggil Sentot.. at least awak saya panggil Ami je ape hahah..)

Now, I'm left to calculating how much money would be spent on wedding gifts. Thankfully kak Wahid has asked me to pool our resources for Yati and Sid's wedding so we could buy someting better than initially intended, due to whatever amount of money we'll have left after the neccessary expenses. Luckily, I'm not the type to buy new clothes for every kenduri I attend (like some people ALL of us most know.. I'm sure all of us have at least ONE friend who's like that).. mau kopak oooo if I'm that type!

One thing I have to be careful with is to NOT mention all these to my mother or I just know what will be coming out of her mouth. I know, I know.. she must be worried about me. Hey, its not my fault that she had 3 growing kids (including me) at my age. Ada jodoh, ade la nanti, Mama.. Don't worry about me, just let me do all the worrying hahah..

How about my friends? They too like to ask these questions with the most common one "Ayu, bila aku nak beli hadiah kahwin hang plak?" So my simple answer, like what most of them (Toroque, Yokies, kak Maria, Salam, Bebe etc..)are familiar with is: Go and buy a piggy bank and make it into a fund for 'Ayu's wedding gift'. I don't ask for much, just RM1 a day till the day I get married. That way, it'll be easier for you guys to not have to fork up a fortune since you already have been saving up for it. And it makes me happier since I know, I'll get a fortune from your piggy banks haha.. Imagine, if I get married a year from now, I'll get RM365 from all of you and that could lead to very interesting and satisfying wedding gifts for me. Enough said.

Anyway, I hope for the best to all my friends who will be@are@already engaged/married. At least when the lot of you are happy, you make all of us smile too :-)

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

After more than 12 years, I have another sister..?

Mama: I have news. Congratulations, you have a new sister!

Huh? Sister? My hands and eyes and MIND was busy with JAMAR that it took me a while to understand. Mama waited patiently, for my reaction I guess, but she must have realized she won't get any coz she just gave me the details, as far as she knew.

My father's wife had given birth to a baby girl that very morning. Thru caesarean; so now my sibling are not 6 but 7 with the additional girl making us a total of 3 girls to 4 boys.

Now, I have never really accepted my father's second marriage (he did it sneakily anyway) but I never really pretended that it never happened. Lets just say that, I'm the 'atas pagar' party. But that doesn't mean that I'd want to meet his wife and accept her whole heartedly anyway. She made it obvious that she doesn't like us so I took the other way out ie avoid them. But upon hearing about my new sister, I was filled with this eagerness to see her. She is my sister, anyway, right!

Maybe I was born as a full time sister. All I wanted to do was to go to Penang (and I was in Melaka at that time) to see my sister. All resentment suddenly blurred in the backgroud and what I could see was, a new addition to our flock. Now, if I could only find a way to avoid my father and his wife hehe..

At first, I was confused. I mean, shouldn't I be mad or something. I was even afraid to show how I felt to my mother, knowing its hard for her to accept all this but in reality, I was just as happy as I felt when my other siblings were born. In fact, when Mama told me Abah wanted to name our sister just like me and Izati, I was already mentally checking names we had for Izati.

But.. its really hard you know, wanting to be happy but not knowing how to show it so that some people won't be offended. I don't want Mama to feel like we're offending her but I also want to share the joy of a new sister with her.. gosh, I really have to be careful here.

O-oh, picture this, when my sister is 25, me as her oldest sister will be 50!! An aging grandma. It won't look much like siblings, would it? In a way, I find it hilarious haha.. there's such a huge gap between us.. Though the thought is uncomfortable as well as funny and (a bit) charming perhaps, the novelty of a new sister hasn't lessened in my book.. I think I really, sincerely want to see her :)

Friday, April 08, 2005

An open letter to my invisible best friend.. once upon a time ago.. :'(


Hi awak.. hope you are fine and happy in whatever you are doing now. I guess I'm doing fine now too, though I doubt you'd want to know that.

It has been nearly 2 years since I learnt how it felt to have my heart broken into a million pieces. Not quite 2 years, but nearly. I'm getting better everyday and its easier to accept everything now but still I wonder..

We were the best of friends. Remember how our friends used to wonder about our relationship. Not all of them could accept the fact that we were ONLY best friends and the ones who could accept kept asking us to take it to the next level. Clearly, they don't see a great friendship eventhough it was in front of their eyes.

I liked the way our friendship developed. From merely colleagues in the bulletin board when we were in KMK, to casual friends during the holidays, to close friends during our earlier times in USMKCP and finally to really best friends who knew each other more than anyone else (or so, I thought..) Not everyone understood that but it was enough for us that we understood.

We shared secrets that not many people know, thinking about it, I DO wonder how our friendship survived when we didn't really talk that much, being shy among others who just won't understand. Our communication was mainly through the long emails we sent nearly everyday but I guess that was how we really got to know each other. There was nothing much to hide in an email.

Remember when you told me, beside your mother, I'm the person who knows you best? You told me that, you felt like you've known me for years, you even compared that 1 year knowing me feels more like 4 years and we must have been close for more than 4 years by then. I was happy to hear that, to know you have trust in me and that I can trust you because for me, trusting people doesn't really come that easily.

My 'Invisible Man',
I remember when we used to trade stories of our crushes. Whenever we were frustrated or happy, it will always be told in our emails. I remember especially the girl you liked, whom I didn't particularly like after you told me how she treated you. Thats no the way to treat my friend, you know! So imagine my suprise, when one day you told me about this kakak who was in you masters class. I wouldn't have been suprised about you meeting her but I was suprised when I realized that I was jelous of her. Knowing that up until that point, I never had any feelings for you other than as a friend, I just brushed that feeling away, thinking that I was just being posessive since you are my friend.

You see, when we completed our undergraduate studies and came back tu USM, I only had you. You were the only close friend I had left here and since most of our friends weren't here, we began to talk to each other freely, no longer conscious of our friends who might misinteprate our conversations. I thought I was just feeling that way because I didn't want to share you with other people.

The feelings didn't come back for a long time but when it did, it seemed to have intensified. Even you once asked me, why was it that I seemed uncomfortable whenever you told me about that kakak. At times I was mad coz I thought you knew what was going on inside me and that you were just playing me like a fool but when I remember our friendship, I quickly put the thought away.

I know I did stupid things all the while when I was confused with what I was feeling. I'd talk to you for hours and when I suddenly felt this queer feeling in the pit of my stomach, I'd abruptly end the conversation. Sometimes, especially when you were at the end of your masters, when you'd talk about completing your studies, I'd just shoo you away pretending to banish you from USM when in reality, I was afraid you'd realize that I wanted you to stay.

Those last few months you were here was so trying for me. I didn't know how to act. I was so sad all day but when I talked to you at night, I forgot all my sadness until I got all confused. Remember when I was sick and you went out to get some medicine for me, it was really hard trying to force myself to recognize a friendly gesture from my bestfriend when my heart wanted to believe something else. Even when you asked me to accompany you when you wanted to go back home to get your pc, there were 2 reasons why I refused to follow you earlier

1. I have NEVER gone out, even casually, with any guy (be it my best friend or not) especially just between two people (You know that, don't you? You were the one who reminded me about that when I went to see a supossedly 'potential' guy my friends set me up with, and you didn't like it because you said that wasn't the real me to go and meet someone without anyone else to accompany me)

2. I was afraid that on the drive to or drive home, you'd suddenly realize what I'd been trying to hide from you.. and probably, you'd be afraid to be my friend.

Though lastly, I did go with you.. because it was my bestfriend who asked me to. I'm glad I did though, your extended family is a very nice and supportive one. You know how down I was feeling at that time, don't you? What with my parents and all that but when I was there, I felt so relieved (don't ask me why, even I don't have the answer to that)

I'm sorry, I seem to want to relive each and everything. At first, it felt so strange knowing that things weren't going to be the same. I never really saw things that way. I thought I could cope, but it turned out that it was hard just to get out of bed everyday and pretending that I was ok when in reality, I was crushed.

I'm sorry I lied to you. When it all happened and you wanted an explanation on my strange behavior, I just told you that I was confused. The thing is, I was already sure about how I felt but I didn't want to spoil our friendship, so I lied. I don't know which would be worse, telling you the truth or not telling you the truth because somehow, it still ended horribly.

When you were going home for the last time, you asked me,"Takpe ke saya balik?" Did you know that I felt like knocking your head and screaming,"Can't you see that I want you to stay here!" But as usual, I just shooed you away. You'll never know how hard that day was for me, and I hope no one ever makes you go through that.

I've always known that I was a crybaby, but I never knew how much I could really cry when I finally realized that even our friendship was over. Though I blame myself for starting all this, because of a stupid feeling I felt, I can't help wondering, why didn't you give me a chance to correct everything? After kak Nina's kenduri, everything just went downhill didn't it? I know I was wrong, but you didn't tell me that you'd promised her to bring me to her kenduri. Thing might have been different, had I known.

I guess the both of us suprised each other by our reaction when we are angry. We never really fought that way, didn't we? That was the first time and there are things I said that I feel ashamed of now. I'm sorry that I didn't go to you on your masters graduation. I went there, but I just couldn't face you. After talking with your parents, I just went away when I saw you coming towards us. I'm sorry, awak. I really am. I just wanted to fulfill my promise that I'd go.

It took me a long time to get over you. Until recently, I could never imagine a day without me thinking of you. Everything reminds me so much of you. At first, I wasn't ashamed to be sad in front of everyone. Imagine me, a very secretive person, suddenly showing my feelings openly (especially when kak Ana told me to forget you, when she knew how close we were. I know and appreciate her good intentions, though!) But then, I got a grip on myself, but still, my room was my refuge. I'd wake up with swollen eyes and an idle mind, and struggle to get through the days without having someone ask me if something was wrong, and then I'd go back home, locking myself in my room. Eventually, it turned out to just be long lingering thoughts before sleeping but by then, I did finally get some sleep. During those times, some friends were my solace. Sometime I'd call them for a good cry ('sometimes' here will mean a couple of times a week, and ranging from a 1 to 3 hour sessions), distrupting their sleep and all that, how selfish I was then!

But time does heal. I'm ok now. In fact, there are days that go by without me thinking of you. I don't pretend to be happy anymore coz now I there are little things that really make me smile and laugh out loud. And I'm happy to know that my friends are happy too seeing me like this.

One day, I hope I can look back at this and not feel any resentment or anything negative. I really wish things could be the way they were but I guess, I, myself am not ready to face you, anyway. There are so many things left unsaid, so many apologies not given its due respect. I'm sorry if it irritates you, but I'll always send you your birthday card and raya card though I've never gotten any reply since the last two years. Its what I've always done, and what I hope I'll always do

You will always be my best friend ever and I'll always wish the best for you, eventhough now you live up to your nickname sake, Invisible Man.

Wow, I started this letter, wanting to show you how mad I still am with you, but suddenly, that feeling is gone. There was so much I was mad about but now, I just want to forget it. Maybe, two years is already long enough to harbour any hard feelings and I guess, I should finally get a life, huh?

Anyway, I really miss you.. I miss your emails, miss our chats and midnight calls, I don't have anyone to disturb at 3.00am when I can't sleep at night (which eventually leads me to thinking of you). No, I'm not blaming you. Just showing what a big impact you made in my life when we were friends.. no, best friends. Now I'm just more careful. I try not to be close to anyone too much. I don't want to grow so attached to anyone anymore, just in case lightening strikes twice. I guess Yun was right when she told us in first year ,"Korg tipu, perempuan ngan lelaki mana boleh jadik bestfriend" We tried our best to prove her wrong, didn't we?

Well, I guess thats it. I should be getting ready for my tuition class this afternoon. I hope all the best is with you and that one day, when I'm ready, our paths may cross again. Maybe not as bestfriends, but I'd settle with just friends.. Take care, my friend.


Your best friend a long-long time ago,
Spider woman

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Kembara Amal 2005

Kembara Amal 2005! This is one of the things that make me appreciate the suprises in life.

We were having gender equality 'quarrels' in the office. With the male team comprising of Farood (the original team leader), Nazir (current one) and Farid (future one, maybe?). Hadi was a good sport to only join them once in while, for our benefit I guess. While on our side or kumpulan Tompok² as they like to call us are Kak Ana, me, Nomi and Faezah.

It started with the dare to have a fishing tournament. To be frank, not one of us girls really knew how to fish though I did try my hand twice on fishing whenever my family went to Muka Head, but the tauntings were so intense that out of dignity, we agreed. However, as fate may have it, Farood had to go to KPLI, thus, the fishing competition was officially over.

Then one day, Nazir come to the office with a smug face. He showed us a treasure hunt competition organized by the JKR and challenged us girls to compete with them. It didn't really matter how we fared in the treasure hunt, what was impotant was how we fared against each other. Instantly we agreed, the problem was on who else to ask on our team. Finally it was settled that we would ask Yun and luckily, she agreed.

It turned out that the guys were 'CHICKENS' and didn't even submit their entry. I was starting to back out too if it wasn't for the fact that we already paid our entry fees. I might have persisted on backing out if the guys did not keep taunting us everyday about seeing us in the last place. They asked us if we knew how to read maps and all that and suddenly, I wanted to really participate in this treasure hunt, at least we'd get to 'jalan²'. Once the guys realized that we weren't backing out, they did all they could to demoralize us. Nazir even used Nomi's messenger to talk Faezah out of the competition and how they laughed at Faezah.

Then came the day. I was ready at home and Yun picked me up at 7.45 after picking up Nomi and Faezah. Upon arriving at JKR, we realized that we were the only all female group there was there and my confidence dropped down a notch. Then, after 5 minute, another realization struck us. All the othe cars were either Ford Rangers or Pajeros or Kembaras while we were in Yun's Kancil. This time, my confidence didn't drop a notch, it must have disappeared all together. We heard some comments like, "Ish, kancil je? Boleh ke?" but we pretended to have our ears stuffed up. Thankfully, a kind pak cik helped us and talked so kindly to us that our confidence were restored. I later learned that the pak cik was a contractor in Bagan Serai. See, there are still kind successful people in this world.

Since our car was the smallest, we were bullied to start out late. Well, since we already made up our mind that we wanted nothing else than to jalan², we didn't really mind. When we were finally off, I guess our nonchalent mood abandoned us and left us with this excited feeling. All of us were trying our best to find all the clues that I wondered, did all of us really wanted jalan² or is it that deep down inside, we really wanted to win?

When we came to our last clues, we were already in this winning mood. We seemed to have passed a lot of the other participants and we were talking non-stop about the clues. we even called Yun's sister to help out on a clue where it gave a scientific name of a plant and what we saw was a rubber and palm oil plantation. When we went to a shop to buy the required coffee powder, the shop owner told us that we were the third group to have arrived and that must have boost our spirits. But I guees we lost some time when we couldn't find the mosque and when we retraced our steps for one confusing clue. Still, confidence seemed to ooze from everone.

Alas.. when we arrived at the final check point, we found out that we had arrived not in the top five. I don't know about the others but I abandoned all hope for winning. At least we had a good time. We spent the remaining afternoon sleeping before we got ready for dinner and the prize giving ceremony.

Before dinner, the answers for the treasure hunt was posted on a board and I realized that not all our answers were correct. So finally, without the burden of hoping to win anymore, we headed to dinner. Dinner was ok, and Faezah was eying the lucky draw prizes saying that at least one of us should get a prize. I told her she would be the lucky one coz that afternoon, she wore her t-shirt inside out and Yun said that was a lucky sign.

Would you believe, after 50 luck draw hampers given away, our table did not receive even one. Other tables had 2 or 3 but our table was empty. I was starting to feel that we were having a streak of bad luck and was asking Nomi on how we should face the guys after this. When it was time for the group leader to go forward and take the complimentary gift given to all participants, someone even commented ,"Yg tu je la hadiah yg korg bawak balik pun" How degrading! Hehe..

Then came the announcement. We weren't keen on hearing the results anymore anyway but since our table was in the middle of the hall, it would be more embarassing if we went out at that time. So we just pretended to be absorbed with our phones when the judge announced the 3rd and 2nd winners. Imagine our suprise when the judge announced that the winning team was an all-girl group from USM. It took a while for the news to sink in and how we smiled and laughed after that. The pak cik who teased us before even came to congratulate us. Finally, we had the BIGGEST hamper of all on our table. It made up for everything else.

All in all, we had a great time. But the best was when we came back to the office gloating on our victory to Nazir and Farid who solemnly said they have been supporting us throughout it all. Funnily, when we opened our hamper, they were the once 'attacking' our hamper that it'll make you wonder, who was the real winner haha..

I do have some pictures but I don't know how to attach them here. I've been meaning to ask Pojie how he did his but never got around it anyway.. Note to self, ask him!