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Friday, April 08, 2005

An open letter to my invisible best friend.. once upon a time ago.. :'(

Assalamualaikum

Hi awak.. hope you are fine and happy in whatever you are doing now. I guess I'm doing fine now too, though I doubt you'd want to know that.

Awak,
It has been nearly 2 years since I learnt how it felt to have my heart broken into a million pieces. Not quite 2 years, but nearly. I'm getting better everyday and its easier to accept everything now but still I wonder..

We were the best of friends. Remember how our friends used to wonder about our relationship. Not all of them could accept the fact that we were ONLY best friends and the ones who could accept kept asking us to take it to the next level. Clearly, they don't see a great friendship eventhough it was in front of their eyes.

I liked the way our friendship developed. From merely colleagues in the bulletin board when we were in KMK, to casual friends during the holidays, to close friends during our earlier times in USMKCP and finally to really best friends who knew each other more than anyone else (or so, I thought..) Not everyone understood that but it was enough for us that we understood.

We shared secrets that not many people know, thinking about it, I DO wonder how our friendship survived when we didn't really talk that much, being shy among others who just won't understand. Our communication was mainly through the long emails we sent nearly everyday but I guess that was how we really got to know each other. There was nothing much to hide in an email.

Awak,
Remember when you told me, beside your mother, I'm the person who knows you best? You told me that, you felt like you've known me for years, you even compared that 1 year knowing me feels more like 4 years and we must have been close for more than 4 years by then. I was happy to hear that, to know you have trust in me and that I can trust you because for me, trusting people doesn't really come that easily.

My 'Invisible Man',
I remember when we used to trade stories of our crushes. Whenever we were frustrated or happy, it will always be told in our emails. I remember especially the girl you liked, whom I didn't particularly like after you told me how she treated you. Thats no the way to treat my friend, you know! So imagine my suprise, when one day you told me about this kakak who was in you masters class. I wouldn't have been suprised about you meeting her but I was suprised when I realized that I was jelous of her. Knowing that up until that point, I never had any feelings for you other than as a friend, I just brushed that feeling away, thinking that I was just being posessive since you are my friend.

You see, when we completed our undergraduate studies and came back tu USM, I only had you. You were the only close friend I had left here and since most of our friends weren't here, we began to talk to each other freely, no longer conscious of our friends who might misinteprate our conversations. I thought I was just feeling that way because I didn't want to share you with other people.

The feelings didn't come back for a long time but when it did, it seemed to have intensified. Even you once asked me, why was it that I seemed uncomfortable whenever you told me about that kakak. At times I was mad coz I thought you knew what was going on inside me and that you were just playing me like a fool but when I remember our friendship, I quickly put the thought away.

I know I did stupid things all the while when I was confused with what I was feeling. I'd talk to you for hours and when I suddenly felt this queer feeling in the pit of my stomach, I'd abruptly end the conversation. Sometimes, especially when you were at the end of your masters, when you'd talk about completing your studies, I'd just shoo you away pretending to banish you from USM when in reality, I was afraid you'd realize that I wanted you to stay.

Those last few months you were here was so trying for me. I didn't know how to act. I was so sad all day but when I talked to you at night, I forgot all my sadness until I got all confused. Remember when I was sick and you went out to get some medicine for me, it was really hard trying to force myself to recognize a friendly gesture from my bestfriend when my heart wanted to believe something else. Even when you asked me to accompany you when you wanted to go back home to get your pc, there were 2 reasons why I refused to follow you earlier

1. I have NEVER gone out, even casually, with any guy (be it my best friend or not) especially just between two people (You know that, don't you? You were the one who reminded me about that when I went to see a supossedly 'potential' guy my friends set me up with, and you didn't like it because you said that wasn't the real me to go and meet someone without anyone else to accompany me)

2. I was afraid that on the drive to or drive home, you'd suddenly realize what I'd been trying to hide from you.. and probably, you'd be afraid to be my friend.

Though lastly, I did go with you.. because it was my bestfriend who asked me to. I'm glad I did though, your extended family is a very nice and supportive one. You know how down I was feeling at that time, don't you? What with my parents and all that but when I was there, I felt so relieved (don't ask me why, even I don't have the answer to that)

I'm sorry, I seem to want to relive each and everything. At first, it felt so strange knowing that things weren't going to be the same. I never really saw things that way. I thought I could cope, but it turned out that it was hard just to get out of bed everyday and pretending that I was ok when in reality, I was crushed.

Awak,
I'm sorry I lied to you. When it all happened and you wanted an explanation on my strange behavior, I just told you that I was confused. The thing is, I was already sure about how I felt but I didn't want to spoil our friendship, so I lied. I don't know which would be worse, telling you the truth or not telling you the truth because somehow, it still ended horribly.

When you were going home for the last time, you asked me,"Takpe ke saya balik?" Did you know that I felt like knocking your head and screaming,"Can't you see that I want you to stay here!" But as usual, I just shooed you away. You'll never know how hard that day was for me, and I hope no one ever makes you go through that.

I've always known that I was a crybaby, but I never knew how much I could really cry when I finally realized that even our friendship was over. Though I blame myself for starting all this, because of a stupid feeling I felt, I can't help wondering, why didn't you give me a chance to correct everything? After kak Nina's kenduri, everything just went downhill didn't it? I know I was wrong, but you didn't tell me that you'd promised her to bring me to her kenduri. Thing might have been different, had I known.

I guess the both of us suprised each other by our reaction when we are angry. We never really fought that way, didn't we? That was the first time and there are things I said that I feel ashamed of now. I'm sorry that I didn't go to you on your masters graduation. I went there, but I just couldn't face you. After talking with your parents, I just went away when I saw you coming towards us. I'm sorry, awak. I really am. I just wanted to fulfill my promise that I'd go.

It took me a long time to get over you. Until recently, I could never imagine a day without me thinking of you. Everything reminds me so much of you. At first, I wasn't ashamed to be sad in front of everyone. Imagine me, a very secretive person, suddenly showing my feelings openly (especially when kak Ana told me to forget you, when she knew how close we were. I know and appreciate her good intentions, though!) But then, I got a grip on myself, but still, my room was my refuge. I'd wake up with swollen eyes and an idle mind, and struggle to get through the days without having someone ask me if something was wrong, and then I'd go back home, locking myself in my room. Eventually, it turned out to just be long lingering thoughts before sleeping but by then, I did finally get some sleep. During those times, some friends were my solace. Sometime I'd call them for a good cry ('sometimes' here will mean a couple of times a week, and ranging from a 1 to 3 hour sessions), distrupting their sleep and all that, how selfish I was then!

But time does heal. I'm ok now. In fact, there are days that go by without me thinking of you. I don't pretend to be happy anymore coz now I there are little things that really make me smile and laugh out loud. And I'm happy to know that my friends are happy too seeing me like this.

Awak,
One day, I hope I can look back at this and not feel any resentment or anything negative. I really wish things could be the way they were but I guess, I, myself am not ready to face you, anyway. There are so many things left unsaid, so many apologies not given its due respect. I'm sorry if it irritates you, but I'll always send you your birthday card and raya card though I've never gotten any reply since the last two years. Its what I've always done, and what I hope I'll always do

You will always be my best friend ever and I'll always wish the best for you, eventhough now you live up to your nickname sake, Invisible Man.

Wow, I started this letter, wanting to show you how mad I still am with you, but suddenly, that feeling is gone. There was so much I was mad about but now, I just want to forget it. Maybe, two years is already long enough to harbour any hard feelings and I guess, I should finally get a life, huh?

Anyway, I really miss you.. I miss your emails, miss our chats and midnight calls, I don't have anyone to disturb at 3.00am when I can't sleep at night (which eventually leads me to thinking of you). No, I'm not blaming you. Just showing what a big impact you made in my life when we were friends.. no, best friends. Now I'm just more careful. I try not to be close to anyone too much. I don't want to grow so attached to anyone anymore, just in case lightening strikes twice. I guess Yun was right when she told us in first year ,"Korg tipu, perempuan ngan lelaki mana boleh jadik bestfriend" We tried our best to prove her wrong, didn't we?

Well, I guess thats it. I should be getting ready for my tuition class this afternoon. I hope all the best is with you and that one day, when I'm ready, our paths may cross again. Maybe not as bestfriends, but I'd settle with just friends.. Take care, my friend.

Wassalam

Your best friend a long-long time ago,
Spider woman

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