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Friday, September 30, 2005

Thank you, friend!

Its not that I haven't noticed, but I DO realize that some of my blog entries are dedicated to my friends who are far away from me eg. Sentot, IM, Mak Su, Un, Toroque. Today, I'm going a bit closer to home, this is for a friend whose not really my best friend though we're quite close. I like to think of our relationship as a kind'a special and pleasantly strange one. Well, here goes!

I first got to know her in KMK. We were in the same dorm. We were about the same height and we both had the longest hair in the dorm but that was about where our similairities ended. I was the eldest in my family, she's the youngest. I was shy around strangers while she treated everyone like a long lost friend. I was in the bio-chem class (though because of a mix-up, I wasn't supposed to) while she was in the physics-chem. I came from the northern part of Malaysia while she's from the south.

Haha, this reminds me of an incident during our matrics. Her cubemate (Yana) was a Kedahan and one day Yana blurted out, "Aku segan la nak basuh baju..!"

"Haaa.. nak basuh baju pun malu ke?"

"Apa la hang ni, segan dalan bahasa utara maknanya malaih la.."

Though my cube was at the back of the dorm, I used to go lepak² at the front cubes so thats how I got to know her a bit more. However, our paths crossed again in our first year when we got rooms just opposite each other. She was also taking Civil Engineering so we used to go to class together and since she's what you'd call langkah panjang, I was always tagging along whenever she wanted to go to the town or something.

In our second year, we were housemates. By this time, small 'quarrels' were a norm haha.. Sometimes, I'd be reduced to tears, sometimes I'd go to Dayah's house to let off some steam. I mean, I was the too-sensitive one while she could act so normal to the point of annoying you! Like I said, we were so different from each other. Those 'quarrels' are what we laugh at now.

One that particularly stands out is our fight over tea. My family is used to very little sugar, while she's used to having a sweet tooth for everything. Since I used to wake up early AND was (and still is) an addict to tea, the first thing I'd do after my shower is to make a teapot of hot tea. Believe it or not, the first thing she'd do after seeing MY pot of tea is to ADD SUGAR in it. I couldn't tell you how insulted I was really haha.. But if SHE was the one who made tea, I'd sneakily add hot water to the teapot when she's not looking ("Ni apasal dah tak manis ni? Takde orang lain la ni.. Ayu tambah air la ni..") Aiyoo, like air gula la, minah! Our housemates were always laughing at us whenever one of us made tea because they never really minded HOW the tea tasted like, anyway.

In our final year, we were really far from each other, but that didn't stop us from intruding into each other's lives. Dayah (our mutual friend) always teased me, whenever I complained about this friend, saying that we were really bestfriends deep down inside haha! I was always nagging her on her reckless decisions on everything, especially the matters of her heart and other peoples heart too, while she was always nagging me for being such a coward in everything, even illogical matters!

However, after everyone had finished their studies, and we were left with only each other, I guess all the 'arguing' gradually stopped (a bit la, kalau stop terus, tak meriah la kaaan!). Now and then, she'd still see me as the 'chicken' in everything and I'd still be mad at her for, well, something she's doing now. But hey, I'm not the only one who keeps nagging at her for this, even the kakak² office, especially the married ones, are quite frustrated with her in this 'department'! And I really hope she stops doing it coz she deserves someone WAY much better <-- don't anyone ever DARE to tell her I said this or I'll forever be hearing her taunting me, "Aku dah agak yang ko sebenarnya sayang gak kat aku"

There are times we'd be each other's crying shoulder. During the early stages of Abah and Mama's separation and when I first had THE fight with my invisible friend, I was always going to her room. I seldom talked, but she'd give me a pen and paper, knowing I'll start writing about it furiously when I'm ready. When she was sad of THE GUYs (don't ask) marriage, I'd lend her my ear then, though sometimes I'd be suprised to see the 'strong' her, crying over a useless man <-- don't tell her I said that!

Maybe some people would wonder, why the sudden talk about her? Well, she did something that really touched me.. iskk, terharu!

My housemate was getting engaged, but though most of us would be excited about it, she isn't! Bukan la not excited about getting engaged, but not happy because of other things. The reason: Well, I won't elaborate here, but lets just say that sometimes, some people who are supposed to be your bestfriends just can't stand seeing you happy. They just HAVE to make you miserable when all you want to is to share this happy moment with them. Like my housemate, it seems everything she does now is wrong in their eyes and I can't help feeling irritated towards some people while pitying my housemate here. She's been crying everyday, though she thinks she hides it well. She's torn between being really happy, and really sad.

Somehow, I told a bit about this to my friend, whom this entry is dedicated to. Now, my friend here has no connection whatsoever to my housemate. In fact, they only know each other because of me. They have never really had deep coversations together, and since our ages are so different (takde la so sangat, about 4 to 5 years), sometimes we seem to be the childish ones compared to my housemates and her friends.

Know what my friend did? She promptly went out with her housemate and proceeded to make this beautiful hantaran for MY housemate. Then she came along with me to the engagement ceremony, knowing that the 'friends' have found excuses NOT to attend and really cheered my housemate up, who is as emotional as me, that she nearly cried. She asked all the right questions, and teased my housemate at all the right moments. Even I felt like crying, seeing how selfless my friend was. I could tell that my housemate was really touched to see someone else who cared, though the people she had counted on didn't.

Driving back from my housemate's kampung, I reflected on my relationship with my friend here. True, we sometimes don't see eye to eye (though its getting more seldom now), sometimes I'd be nagging her too much and she would avoid me for a week and sometimes she'd irritate me to the point of screaming.. but one thing I know, I CAN COUNT ON HER!

And I hope, she can count on me too.. thank you, friend! You really suprise me a lot when I least expect it, but I guess, I really love you for that.. and thank you for making my housemate really smile for the first time over many weeks! Only Allah would be able to repay you and what you did :)

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

*speechless*

Guess I'm not such a hopeless case after all hahah..

A few minutes after receiving the good news from my beloved cousin, I was already blabbering it out to the others (me and my big mouth!). I wanted to bite my tongue when I realized that Yokies and kak Maria hadn't received the news yet (Thank God I only told them masa tu..) and they were a bit hurt! Then I received an sms from Toroque asking me to keep it a secret since "aku nak bagitau kat depa sendiri" <-- To Yokies, kak Maria and Salam la

*sheesh*

I had to call Yokies to explain everything (since my card was appropriate and Toroque just got to know about his wife's pregnancy) and ask him to pretend he just knew about the news. Luckily, this made Yokies laugh so I guess he wasn't hurt anymore. True, Toroque called him a few moments later! *Whew!*

I was still excited in talking about it that when I was online with Salam just now, it was the only thing on my mind. Well, we HAVE been wondering WHEN kan? Hehe..

Anyway, I didn't know if Salam knew about the news or not, so slyly I asked him has he heard anything from Toroque yet. His answer made me realize that Toroque still hadn't found time to tell Salam yet so to cover it up, I tried to talk about other things. However, Salam was suspicious and he kept pestering me to tell him what was happening. Knowing Salam, he can be quite stubborn so I had to make up a story that would make him totally forget about my earlier question. Unlucky for me, the first thing to cross my mind was, "Kalau saya cakap saya nak bertunang, awak percaya tak?"

As expected, he forgot about the story of Toroque and was busy asking me to tell him everything. Now, I must note here that my state of 'singleness' has always been a sore point for me, but, however, it is one of their favourite topics. I dreaded saying what I had said right after it came outta my mouth but the damage was done and no matter how I tried to tell him that I was joking, he didn't seem to buy it. I should've known, Salam himself had just gotten engaged while Toroque was still over the moon, awaiting the arrival of his own child. Knowing them, they'd expect other people to have good news too! <-- See, no wonder its so easy to love these guys, they're always wanting other people to be happy too!

I really laughed when he called Toroque asking, "Ayu nak bertunang ngan sapa?". Toroque must've been as confused too hehe.. I mean, Salam assumed, since I asked about Toroque earlier, I must've told Toroque about my plans. I DO NOT want to know what else they had discussed about my so-called engagement but believe me, I can just imagine.

When I realized what Salam had done, I smsed Toroque explaining everything. Salah dia, sapa suh tak habaq kat Salam awal², kan dah kena balik kat saya time nak cover! However, he replied saying, "Kalau betoi pun, apa salahnya!"

Seriously, these guy!!

Haha.. still, for a while I was speechless! Overwhelmed! Terharu giler.. isk.. iskk.. sobb.. sob..

These guys think there's still hope for me :-)

Like I said, guess I'm not such a hopeless case, after all!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Kuchi.. kuchi.. Big Teddy!

"A'kum.. Tq for the VERY NICE card.. just got it! Btw, your prayer in the card has just been answered, TQ!"

*stunned silence*

It took a moment for me to finally understand what was written on the sms and instantly, a smile, as broad as my face allowed, was spreading across my face. My best 'cousin' is gonna be a father! I whooped with joy, sharing the glorious moment with him, though we were hundreds of miles away from each other.

I first met him when we were on the CWE or Cross-Water Elite (a fancy name for our canoeing team), a 'division' of the Engineers' Adventure Team (EAT). During that time, since I was still a bit shy around strangers, I didn't talk much (more like didn't talk at all) with him (or the other guys, in that matter!). However, our paths crossed again during our first year semester break.

Abah wanted me to organize a motivational programme for UPSR students and naturally, I turned to Afizal for help. Now, throughout our first year, Afizal has been telling me about his good friend in Jenan, Ridhwan a.k.a Pak Lan a.k.a Corn a.k.a Yokies but being the girl I am, I never made the effort to find out who he is. Afizal suggested that I ask for Yokies help and when I called Yokies, he wanted to bring in Toroque too! I didn't really mind, the more the merrier, besides, I already knew who Toroque was compared to Yokies. Lets just say, the rest is history!

We took off immediately. I've always taken time to get to know people and this was the first time I knew a great buddy (or two) on sight. I was a bit uncomfortable when he told me to ask for 'Toroque' if I ever called his home and who could forget the look on his face when Afizal asked, "Yusman ni sapa?", right in front of him! But I guess we really 'bonded' during the water-balloon game we organized for the kids. In the end, the kids were helping us, the facilitators, to throw water bombs at each other. That night, I got my revenge during our post-mortem. Armed with a water pistol and pretending to go around the meeting room, I succeeded in drenching them. Indeed, revenge is sweet!

After that, there was no stopping us. I was suprised at how much I liked their company throughout the semester break since it has always been hard for me to grow close to anybody. They even waited for me at Taman Maju on my first day back at Tronoh for our second year, and followed me back home just to see where I was living (and at the same time thinking of ways to get back to me after the meeting incident!)

We grew even closer during this year. There were always reasons to laugh and be silly around them. At one point, we grew so bored that we organized yet another motivational programme, illegally, for a secondary school nearby and it sure was fun. It was during this time that I bought in some of my friends, thus resulting in Yokies going head over heals with kak Maria, with a little help from Toroque and Bebe! Dah ade anak dah pun :-) So, hey, I don't really suck as a match maker, do I?

Sometimes they'd come to my house with Sob in the middle of the night and we'd be chatting outside (btw, mana pegi Sob ah?). I do regret saying that sometimes it didn't feel comfortable, I mean I was weary of what the neighbours would say, but this guys would just pop up whenever it suited them and I find it a bit funny that whenever I think of my second year, I mostly remember these moments. Somehow, I miss those days :'(

During our practical, our conversations became less frequent. Thinking that all of us were busy ("Aku asyik ikut orang pebetoi elektrik ja" <-- Haha!), I just dismissed the thought that something was going on. True enough, towards the end of our industrial training, Yokies let me in the secret that Toroque had fallen in love. Though I was happy for him, I was a bit hurt that he didn't tell me. I mean, we still called each other and emails were constantly going back and forth. They even showed up on my 21st birthday gathering organized by Mama and Abah but still, I didn't even know about this new developement.

After that I realized that I could no longer act silly with Yokies and Toroque since they already had their 'special someone' with them, though with Yokies, I was a bit 'normal' since kak Maria was someone I already knew. So after the industrial training, during my final year, I started trying to stray away from them bit by bit. Yes, I missed them but I didn't want people thinking ngative thoughts about me. However, one of those days, I received an sms asking me, why have I been so quiet lately and 'hang tak rindu kat kami ka?'. Maybe it was because of the strain in being a final year student, maybe it was because the stress Abah was putting on me, maybe I was feeling sorry for myself or maybe it was plainly because I really missed them, I broke down instantly! But what I remember the most is when Toroque called to calm me down, and didn't hang up. Even when I hung up, telling him I was ok, he still called and asked me not to put down the phone until I was ok. Mind you, it must have been nearly two hours of him hearing me sobbing, but being the loyal friend he was, he just stayed there! After I was tired of crying ONLY did he hang up and the next morning, the first thing I noticed was an early sms from him, asking how I was feeling.

I guess I must have made them feel guilty (sorry, didn't mean to) coz I felt (I FELT la, maybe it was only me!) that they were extra nice towards me after that. Toroque and Sob even came to pick me up in the Penang Island to go for our senior-junior interaction for KPKP, held in Pantai Bersih(?) that was in the main land. And yes, I still remember the 10-pizza bet.. still got 8 pizzas to go!

I also once used his home as my 'bicycle garage'. This was once upon a time ago when the hostel rooms weren't equipped with internet access yet. Me and kak Wahid used to cycle to the nearest cyber cafe in Taman Pekaka. On this particular day, we didn't realize that it had started pouring and by the time we were finished, it was already turning into a thunderstorm. We started to panic after an hours wait (it was way after maghrib then) when Jida came to the rescue, after she appeared at the shop we were taking shelter in. Still, we had our bikes to think of and Toroque's house was the first time that came to mind. Our bikes must've stayed there a week before we were 'rajin' enough to fetch them back!

Toroque once again became a shoulder to cry on during the period I was feeling so low after my fight with my invisible friend. I must have disturbed him so many times that I've lost count, and he must've been bored hearing me talk about this thing constantly, but he still listened. And everytime I broke down, he was always there, like he did in my final year, listening to me crying for hours till the wee hours of daylight though he had classes the next morning. I remember one three-hour call that consisted of me crying and trying to talk, at the same time, must have sounded sangat buruk, eh. See how selfish I was! At times I feel so ashamed of my behaviour then.. :(

Sometimes, we had our moments too. I remember an argument we had because I had tricked him in believing I was someone else on the Yahoo! Messenger. It was entirely my fault, really, but something he said had offended me and the next thing I knew, I was selfishly sulking with him. I was so ashamed when he sent me this e-card of a crying smiley asking for forgiveness and I vowed never to offend him again! Luckily, he was all smiles in no time.

He was also my auto 'guru'. When I first got my car, he and Yokies practically raced towards the campus. I was like, "Yea yeah, korang datang nak jumpa saya!" and his straight forward answer was, "Sapa kata kami nak jumpa hang, kami nak jumpa kete hang" *sheesh*. They 'forced' me to drive them around (it was the first time I drove OUTSIDE the campus haha..) and we stopped at Sob's house for a quick course on 'Caring for your Car' haha.. Toroque even searched the web to find me useful articles on car tips which I religiously followed!

We went together for Yokies engangement and wedding. Sadly, I didn't attend any of Toroque's. Be it his engagement or his kenduri on both sides. I was busy during his wedding, with my data collection that my supervisor and a technician had arranged so I couldn't just simply walk away from it. He sounded hurt when I told him I had work to do, he even highlighted that it would mean that I didn't 'participate' in any of his happy moments; engagement and both kenduris but luckily, he understood. Yang lawaknya, he called me during his drive to Azu's house for his akad nikah. Apparently, the bridegroom had to drive ALL ALONE to his own akad ceremony. "Ada ka aku kena drive sorang? Hang penah dengaq tak pengantin laki drive sendiri??"

Really, he was a great friend! The one who bombarded me with the most questions after he heard about me and his coursemate BUT also the on who backed off first when I started to NOT want to talk about it. He was quick to notice changes in me and though he might have not understood, he really tried to. But yes, he was also the one who made me stunned to find out that, "Kami ingat hang ni tak dak hati pasal benda² macam ni.." when I first confirmed his suspicions (I don't think I'm spelling it right) of my 'invisible bestfriend'. He was the type of friend who was always there, so now I realize why Yokies was in such a bad mood when Toroque was getting married. I might have felt as if I was losing a great 'cousin' but Toroque was Yokies bestest friend!

Its really hard to find a gem like him and I'm glad Allah gave me the chance to be his friend or 'cousin' in our case! And now, since I'm about to get yet another 'anak sedara', I'd better buck up and try to be mature as soon as possible, though I'd still be teaching the little ones to call me 'kak Ayu' and not Anuty or Mak Cik. AND I really hope those two guys won't teach their children to call me Bulat hehe..

To Big Teddy Bear.. thank you for being a great 'cousin'!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

'Kempen Berbudi Bahasa'

I'm sure most of us have noticed the courtious Malaysian campaign splattered all over the country. Yup, Malaysians are well known for their 'budi bahasa'.. are they?

Truth be told, not many Malaysian are courtious (btw, is my spelling right?). I mean, lets talk about Faezah and Man's experience in Klang. We were lost, not knowing the way to our hotel so I stopped at this Shell petrol kiosk to ask for directions. Man was the one who went to the lady at the counter, and would you believe it, when Man politely asked her, she just looked away while saying,"Tak tau.. tak tau!", rudely!

Then Faezah went to pay for a drink she took from the fridge. She didn't have any small change so she handed a RM50 note and this same woman scolded her right in front of everyone, making her fell like a total fool, just because she didn't have small change. Faezah was embarrassed and became quite mad when she realized the tokey himself didn't really mind her RM50 note. I mean, can't you speak politely, asking if we had small change? We could listen quite well, you know, thank you very much!

The same goes to youngsters in shopping complexes. I once saw two schoolkids nearly knocking down an old man but they never even turned to say 'sorry'. C'mon, its just A word, for God's sake!

Now let me take you to my experience in the musolla of a shopping complex recently. At first, only me, Faezah and an elderly lady were in there. But when we finished our prayers, a group of young girls rushed into the musolla and started chatting at the top of thier voices, without bothering to respect the elder woman who was praying. I could feel a scowl growing on my face as my mind started to brand them as 'rude' so I quickly turned to my book that I had brought along to read while waiting for Man and Quazzi.

Then another woman came inside. While she was praying, the group of young girls were still talking and laughing and I really jumped when this older woman shouted at the girls right after she finished her prayers with some 'foreign' languange I, thankfully, didn't understand! Now, I know that she was mad, but the girls weren't really THAT noisy. Besides, the chosen words that came outta her mouth were quite 'colourful' I guess, since the girls were quite shocked.

This really made me want to sink in the floor, though it wasn't directed towards me. I guess, this is why most of us ignore other people even if we're in the same room, or musolla for this instance! We notice there are other people, but still, we pretend that we don't see them!

But, its really funny when you see the way we are with tourists. I mean, whenever they are lost or something, we are quick to help them. We talk so politely to them that sometimes I wonder, to whom do we really want to make a good impression. To the tourists who come here, not even once a year OR to the locals whom we might meet everyday! I guess, this is why, to the outside world, we are so polite, so courtious, so full of good behaviour so on and so forth. But to our fellow Malaysians, we are so not like that.. I DID write about my experience with a shopkeeper once, didn't I?

Maybe, deep down inside, we want to be like that to each other. We'd love to exchange a smile that wouldn't make the receiving person feel uncomfortable. I mean, once, I tried smiling to complete strangers but I got odd looks back so I settled back into the usual routine of looking elsewhere than to other people's faces. Maybe, our faith in our own kind has gone to the pits, thats why we're more confident that foreigners are the only one's who'd appreciate our smile!

Still, once in a while, we get the boost of confidence in our people back. Some of my smiles, are rewarded with another smile and all of us know, THAT could really make our day.

Like yesterday, while in the musolla, after pretending to be so absorbed in my book, I noticed 2 other girls entering the already empty musolla (the group of girls had already exited leaving me and Faezah..). I was starting to doze off when this shrill voice came into the musolla from outside. This guy was singing so loudly and totally off-key, maybe he didn't realize it. I don't remember the song but I think its a famous Indonesian song. I wanted to laugh, but Faezah was concentrating on her magazine. Still, I HAD to share the moment and I risked lifting up my face to the other 2 girls. One of them was doing the typical thing to do: Ignoring everything!

But the other girl caught my eye..

Exchanged a knowing look..

Smiled at me..

Understood and shared the joke..

Made us connceted for a fraction of a second..

But that was enough! My faith in us have been restored and I'm sure we could make it, by just taking one step at a time if we'tre too afraid to make the big leap.. yup fellow Malaysians, we can make it!

P/S To whomever that guy was, I owe you one, bro!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Being truthful is certainly the best!

I have a friend whom I've known since primary. Lets call him 'K'. I was in the same class with him since standard 1 right through standard 6. He wasn't really one of the gang (me, Soraya, Adam, Alfy -->the bookworms!), but he was in 'kumpulan A' with us so he DID join in on Adam's antics and without any other name I could call him, I settled with calling him 'Cabbage' whenever he started calling me 'Jaws'! As a rule in primary school, everyone in the class was your bestfriend so I guess, I could call him a good friend too!

In standard 5 to 6, when we started noticing the opposite sex as not-really-yucky-as-initially-thought, we drifted apart. This might also be due to the class streaming where, though most of us remained in the same class, it was already different. Then all of us entered secondary school where most of us were only in contact with the people who go to the same school.

However, after our SPM, we had this class reunion where everyone met after a long 'separation'. It was good to see how much your friends have changed on the outside, but are still the same inside. It was then that most friendships picked up right where they had been left. This so happened to me and him.

He called me nearly everyday after that. I didn't mind it that much since most of us were calling each other up to catch up on each other's lives, though I was a bit mad when he kept questioning me who else have I been in contact with and why was he/she calling me. Then when all of us headed off to our respective universities, we kept on with our friendship by letters. Okay Ami, if you're reading this, I know you would've already guessed who he is so DON't YOU DARE LAUGH AT ME IN MY FACE haha.. I mean, saya dapat surat dari dia EVERY Sunday (I was in KMK in Kulim where Sunday is a working day) and the next day I'd already posted my reply. YOU pulak, sangat liat to reply my letters, nak average 1 letter in a fortnight pun tak bleh.. more likely sekali sebulan, betul tak? So of course la I appreciate his letters. Don't worry, I appreciate your letters jugak, still simpan lagi tau.. you know how crazy I am about snailmail.. still prefer the personal touch! *That goes to you too, Sentot!*

However, I never knew how misinterpreted I was until towards the end of my first year in Tronoh. Now, in KMK, Chipunk was always teasing me about my letters since she was the unofficial postgirl of the dorm. In Tronoh, it was Dayah, my roomate, who'd tease me no matter how much I tell them we were just friends. But I got the shock of my life (my life up until then la..) when he told me something I never suspected! I was so mad at him that I stopped my letter writing to him immediately. Even his emails were ignored. Truth is, as mad as I was with him, I was afraid our other friends would feel like I had been dangling him on a string all the while. I mean, he told me some of our friends (one of them is a budak Sg Ara too who was my 'gang mengaji') along with some members of his family had thought that I was into him. Of all things.. and people!

When he realized what had happened, he asked for my forgiveness but being the stubborn me, I refused to even talk to him. The damage had been done, and silly me chose to pretend he didn't exist instead of forgetting it ever happened! Ok Ami, you know the story right.. Truth here: Though I hated what he had told me, I couldn't help missing his letters. I mean, I've been so used to them eventhough they lack humour (Yup, really lack humour. Problem is, he doesn't understand my definition of funny and vice versa.. thats why he's just a friend! And yeah, there were so many differences that I'm suprised he never realized..)

Anyway, after a few years of his absence and listening to Ami teasing me, I thought I'd already be ok with him. Especially after he called me one day to tell me he had someone special with him. I was happy for him (and a bit relieved) but somehow, our conversations were never the same. There was this gap between us that somehow made me want to just dismiss him whenever he called. When he asked about my invisible friend, I didn't feel relieved after that, though I was sad and wanted to tell someone about it.. instead, I felt as if I had made a mistake.

I was proven right when one day he called me to tell me he felt like breaking up the engagement. I tried to soothe him but he just made me mad again when he told me he had never really forgotten me. What the h***! I couldn't believe that he could make me feel so low, like a s*** who keeps getting in the way! Man, I was ready to erupt so I guess I just hung up and ignored all his calls after that! I mean, I'm not that desperate, ok!

Towards his wedding, he text me asking for my address to send his card but I don't think I ever gave it too him, somehow, being hit two times has made me be more comfortable being as far away as possible from him. I'm also ashamed to admit that I didn't go to his wedding, truth is, I really forgot but maybe my subconscious mind MADE me forget about it.

Last night, I receiced a text message from him. After all the pleasantries exchanged, he told me his good news: He was going to be a father! I laughed when I told him I couldn't imagine him as a father and I guess for a while, we were just like the old times UNTIL he told me that his wife was outstation and that was why he was smsing me. Feeling my temper starting to rise, I found fault in all his smses and at one point, I stopped replying and ignored his call after that.

However, when I was ready to sleep, I was suddenly engulfed in this guilt so big, I felt like suffocating. I mean, just because I had been feeling so down a few days ago didn't mean I could just push a friend aside when I felt like it. Yes, I was mad at him for reminding me 'things' but still, I never really told him that I didn't like what he was doing. I've always beat around the bush whenever it comes to him so I guess he deserves the truth!

I told him, bukan call aaa, that I still wasn't comfortable around him no matter how many years had passed. I told him that I still was mad because he made some of our friends think that things weren't as they really were and he never bothered to correct them. I told him that I didn't think I could ever be close to him as we were (and this is also because I'm a bit guarded towards my relationship with my married male friends.. ye la, I'm telling 'someone' to stop befriending 'laki orang' and I don't want to be said as 'cakap tak serupa bikin', do I?). I told him that I hated the way he spoiled everything just when we were starting to be ok with each other.

I was expecting anger.. fury! Instead I got a reply that somehow made me understand that he never really realized why I was so, whats the word, stiff around him. I always wondered, doesn't he understand I didn't want anything to do with him whenever he started contacting me. But he told me, he realized that everytime he tried to talk to me, I'd give him my cold shoulder, no matter how careful he had put his word together.. Fact here: Some guys just DON'T UNDERSTAND! Haha, I thought I had made myself clear but I guess I never did!

Somehow, it touched me that no matter how teruk I was to him, he was always trying to ask for my forgiveness when it was ME who was supposed to do that, after the way I treated him. Maybe he doesn't understand the limits, but did I TELL him about them? I was mad at him, but really, did I have the right to be? Being more open now, I don't really think so..

*Really ashamed of myself now!*

I guess I should have been truthful to him from the start. I only wanted a friend when we were close, once upon a time ago but since I wasn't, we ended up in this mess. I mean, I thought it was obvious but instead, when things took a turn for the worse, I just walked off without really confronting him. Then when he doesn't really understand my actions, I don't take the liberty to make things clear, instead, konon tak mau cakap bagi sakit hati la ni, I just beat around the bush. I'm sorry!

To my big brother, 'K'.. I'm gonna really hide this entry (and the whole blog) from you as carefully as I can but if one day, unfortunately, you come across this, I just want you to know that I appreciate you always being there for me. Yes, I was mad, but I realize, it isn't really my place to be mad at you. Maybe, it was a good thing you never understood my 'running away' from you.. but please don't make me feel it would've been better if you understood since most people would just trot off without turning back. And when my niece/nephew is born, believe me, this is the best Aunty Ayu in the world for him/her!

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Oppppppsss.. not another blunder!

Ok.. ok.. only NOW do I realize the dangers of blogging haha..

My previous entry was when I was feeling so down in the dumps, but I guess, its also like an online diary where everyone can see whats on your mind.. <-- This coming from a girl who once thought (and still does) that diaries are one of the most hilarious @ ridiculous things on earth (Okay, I'm not being sensitive here to those who think otherwise, sorry!)

But then again, I don't have a personal diary (Yuck!! No offense to others here!) for my 'outlet' and most of the time, I just react on impulse i.e. go find my blog! So to you guys who've read some of my self-pity entries, don't judge me from all that okay.. please! Maybe I'm like that all the time, but maybe I'm not.. yeah, rightey haha..

But hey.. not ALL my entries are soaked in low self confidence.. I think laaa..

Besides, I realize that I have all of you by my side whenever I'm down. So guys, I love all of you!!! Muaaaahhhhhhhhh *big sloppy kiss here, with a big bear hug*

Saturday, September 10, 2005

I just want a good cry :'(

I feel soooooooo stupid! So ignorant.. so naive.. so silly.. so dumb.. and so sad!

Just now, feeling a bit triumphant for completing some of my work, I started to browse the internet. You know what I found out a few months ago (this is from a buta IT girl so if you guys already knew this centuries ago, please bear with me hehe..), if you type your id in 'search' it will list all the sites that you are members of and so on. Like me, when I type my usual id, a list of a few items come out, and I was just playing around at that time. It listed my blog, my fotopages and even comments I had put in other peoples blog. It also listed this group which i'm supposed to be a member of but I've forgotten when!

Anyway, suddenly an id (not really id la, but a preferred nickname) from a distant memory popped into my mind and without realizing, I was typing this id into Yahoo! Search. I laughed when I found a lot of irrelevant sites here but my eyes caught this Malaysian site about computers where this nickname was a member of this group, and as you could've guessed it, I clicked on the URL and entered the site.

It was him! I know it was him, from the birthday to the location to the nickname itself and especially since this site was dedicated to computers, there was no doubt in my mind! Suddenly 1001 thoughts came rushing back into my head, and God! how terrible the feeling was..

I realized a lot of things when I pried into this profile, and yes, I guess some people have gone on with their life and it seems I'm the only one who hasn't.. I mean, there were some instances where I noticed 'things' but I ignored them, still hoping for something to finally emerge..

Now I feel.. I dunno.. there's too much feelings I'm experiencing now but one thing for sure, I really want a good cry now (or maybe I am having it now.. )

Ok² Baizurah, I know what you'd say,"Rimas la saya ngan awak ni.. move on will ya!" Hahah.. you said that to me a few months (or is it weeks?) ago.. and how about Toroque and Yokies? They'd surely be worried all over again, and how happy Toroque was when I promised to walk straight ahead without turning back (this comes from a 'cousin' who once stayed up for 3 hours just to hear me crying, didn't really need words and how glad I was when he didn't scold me for crying, he just wanted me to have a really good cry).. not to mention the others (Awa, CikWa, kak Maria, Amir bla.. bla.. the list goes on!)..

I'm just this hopeless case!

And I'm letting all of my friends down..

I'm sorry guys..

*God, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change..*

Saturday, September 03, 2005

The curious incident of Ayu

I just finished reading 'The Cuirous Incident of the Dog in the Night-time' and was reviewing it here when it suddenly struck me that I had an idea for a new entry.. so here goes!

I enjoyed the book thoroughly, very much laid-back kind'a book here. Maybe, to some extent, it has made me understand more about the world of the 'special' people around us. For example, in this book, the narrater Christopher Francis Boone a.k.a Chris is the one with what he calls as 'special needs'. He tells the story in such an innocent way, you can't help to feel touched by it.. and suprises of suprises, I found that I couldn't much put down the book once I started reading it, though it didn't have any thriller parts or whatsoever to keep me glued to it.

Some things DO disturb me though. Can anyone answer me here: is there anything as half autistic or something like that? Coz I found some similairities here.. errr..

1. Chris always used numbers to calm him down eg. counting to a hundred then calculating the square or cube for each number --> I used to do that whenever I was upset! Somehow, I realize that numbers had this calming affect on me and I was always trying to solve mathematical problems in my head, just for the fun of it. Numbers were so fascinating (dulu la, now sometimes I DO feel quite sick of numbers).Even when I'm tired of a journey, I'd add up the plate numbers, in my head la, of all cars I can see and try to relate them together. Sometimes I'd give the letter their respective numbers, accordingly la (eg A=1, B=2..) and try to relate the whole plate numbers and letters all together.

2. He doesn't like public toilets or public places, fearing germs, I think! --> I always had this very extensive imagination of germs. Remember the Dettol advert where there were these germs crawling all over the place? I think I deserve a royalty everytime the advert is aired since I had imagined all that dari dulu lagi haha.. I'd hate touching toilet doorknobs or taps bla.. bla.. bla.. coz I'd imagine the germs people have left before me, then I'd scrub my hand with soap till I think all the germs have gone away. But then, I’d have to open the door to the toilet, right, to get out, and I’d be squirming all over again

3. Chris loves facts and hates it when people get them wrong --> For the meager facts I have stored in my head, I'm like this too. And I always get this urge to correct other people's facts and grammer when I realize its wrong. Luckily, I'm too shy to talk to people I don't know plus the fact that I've taught myself to bite my tongue whenever I feel like doing it. I mean, people don't really like it, do they? Never REALLY tried correcting people, I usually just do it in my head! Beside, it will seem so rude, right?

4. Chris hated to have his carefully planned day disrupted --> when I was smaller, I always knew my schedule. Wake up at 5.30am, bathed at 5.35am until 5.50am and got dressed in my already pressed school uniform. But say my schedule was disrupted by me waking up late, my whole day would turn all higgledy-piggledy. That would still be okay if its my fault, but if its disturbed by someone else, say, Iwan or Adi decides to take an early shower, I’d wait outside our bathroom while suppressing this need to scream out loud or throw and tantrum. Nope, I never did scream or throw the tantrum, afraid it’ll upset Mama’s schedule plak, but believe me, I wanted to!

5. He lives with diagrams, tables, rules --> Gosh! Whenever I think of things such as the days of the week, I could only imagine them in diagrams where my Sundays are all red in colour, just like a calendar so whenever I wanna plan anything, I conjure up this image of the week or month OR year! That doesn’t only happen to days, weeks, months bla.. bla.. And how bout rules? Eversince I was small, I hated breaking rules, even if the rules could be bended because Abah was the one who made the rules for his students (Don’t eat in the lab or the lecturer’s rooms --> Its his room and he just loved to make me eat in his room so he could see me go all uncomfortable). Doesn’t matter if my friends are rule breakers (err, small rules la.. not big² ones), I’d still stick to the regulations without question!

6. Elaboration to the tiniest detail --> Since Chris finds most things fascinating, he just loves to share them eg, his A Level Maths paper that could’ve been answered in 10 or less line but he took 3 pages just to show how he likes the question. How does it relate to me? Well, just take a look at my long entries in my blog.. and that’s just a tiny glimpse into how I really am.. enough said!

7. Gosh! I can’t remember this last point I lost due to the internet connections here

Hahah.. now what was I thinking???

Friday, September 02, 2005

Statistical analysis workshop

Finally!!!

My last day in this workshop.. yipppeeeee!!!

Its been quite a tiring week. Nope, not because of the workshop.. err, maybe la because of the workshop! Its not that the lecturers are boring, its because I HATE STATISTICS!!!

I've hated statistics since Additional Maths in form 5 and Calculus in Matriks. It didn't help that I had to learn statistics AGAIN in my first year and don't ask me what I got for it coz I'm not answering!

I thought I was rid of statistics forever! I thought I wouldn't have to see the 's' word again in my entire life (except in modern maths with my tuition class). I thought statistics was banned already in my very existance but arrrggghhhh.. we meet again!

Right now, En Aiezaal is assisting us in our hands on of this statstics software, MINITAB. I can't seem to hear, let alone understand what he's mumbling in front. Ok.. ok, he's not mumbling, its just me, ok!

Every single word that has come out of their mouth for the past 4 days have just fallen to deaf ears, bak kata orang Melayu, masuk telinga kanan, keluar telinga kiri. Maybe, just maybe I DID concentrate A BIT on my first day coz it was Dr Nordin at that time, and I'm not gonna let a Civil Engineering lecturer see me dreaming in the workshop. But as the next days came, and the lecturers were from other schools, I must have done much more day dreaming that I could do in a month!

I wasn't looking forward for the workshop really, in fact I was dreading it! Knowing how I suck in statistics, its no wonder. But the one of the requirements for my graduation in my M.Sc is for me to attend 3 workshops organized by the Institute of Graduate Studies (IPS - Institut Pengajian Siswazah). The first two workshops were a breeze, Scientific Writing and Research Methodology, but this final one is the one I don't feel comfortable with. Still, I have this one last day so after this it'll be : MERDEKA!!!

Was feeling quite good about it until Dr Wan, my superviser told me : "You need to use statistics for your thesis, you know? Good thing you're a week into this workshop, huh, you should be a pro at it now!"

I.. am.. DEAD!!!