Google+ Followers

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Being truthful is certainly the best!

I have a friend whom I've known since primary. Lets call him 'K'. I was in the same class with him since standard 1 right through standard 6. He wasn't really one of the gang (me, Soraya, Adam, Alfy -->the bookworms!), but he was in 'kumpulan A' with us so he DID join in on Adam's antics and without any other name I could call him, I settled with calling him 'Cabbage' whenever he started calling me 'Jaws'! As a rule in primary school, everyone in the class was your bestfriend so I guess, I could call him a good friend too!

In standard 5 to 6, when we started noticing the opposite sex as not-really-yucky-as-initially-thought, we drifted apart. This might also be due to the class streaming where, though most of us remained in the same class, it was already different. Then all of us entered secondary school where most of us were only in contact with the people who go to the same school.

However, after our SPM, we had this class reunion where everyone met after a long 'separation'. It was good to see how much your friends have changed on the outside, but are still the same inside. It was then that most friendships picked up right where they had been left. This so happened to me and him.

He called me nearly everyday after that. I didn't mind it that much since most of us were calling each other up to catch up on each other's lives, though I was a bit mad when he kept questioning me who else have I been in contact with and why was he/she calling me. Then when all of us headed off to our respective universities, we kept on with our friendship by letters. Okay Ami, if you're reading this, I know you would've already guessed who he is so DON't YOU DARE LAUGH AT ME IN MY FACE haha.. I mean, saya dapat surat dari dia EVERY Sunday (I was in KMK in Kulim where Sunday is a working day) and the next day I'd already posted my reply. YOU pulak, sangat liat to reply my letters, nak average 1 letter in a fortnight pun tak bleh.. more likely sekali sebulan, betul tak? So of course la I appreciate his letters. Don't worry, I appreciate your letters jugak, still simpan lagi tau.. you know how crazy I am about snailmail.. still prefer the personal touch! *That goes to you too, Sentot!*

However, I never knew how misinterpreted I was until towards the end of my first year in Tronoh. Now, in KMK, Chipunk was always teasing me about my letters since she was the unofficial postgirl of the dorm. In Tronoh, it was Dayah, my roomate, who'd tease me no matter how much I tell them we were just friends. But I got the shock of my life (my life up until then la..) when he told me something I never suspected! I was so mad at him that I stopped my letter writing to him immediately. Even his emails were ignored. Truth is, as mad as I was with him, I was afraid our other friends would feel like I had been dangling him on a string all the while. I mean, he told me some of our friends (one of them is a budak Sg Ara too who was my 'gang mengaji') along with some members of his family had thought that I was into him. Of all things.. and people!

When he realized what had happened, he asked for my forgiveness but being the stubborn me, I refused to even talk to him. The damage had been done, and silly me chose to pretend he didn't exist instead of forgetting it ever happened! Ok Ami, you know the story right.. Truth here: Though I hated what he had told me, I couldn't help missing his letters. I mean, I've been so used to them eventhough they lack humour (Yup, really lack humour. Problem is, he doesn't understand my definition of funny and vice versa.. thats why he's just a friend! And yeah, there were so many differences that I'm suprised he never realized..)

Anyway, after a few years of his absence and listening to Ami teasing me, I thought I'd already be ok with him. Especially after he called me one day to tell me he had someone special with him. I was happy for him (and a bit relieved) but somehow, our conversations were never the same. There was this gap between us that somehow made me want to just dismiss him whenever he called. When he asked about my invisible friend, I didn't feel relieved after that, though I was sad and wanted to tell someone about it.. instead, I felt as if I had made a mistake.

I was proven right when one day he called me to tell me he felt like breaking up the engagement. I tried to soothe him but he just made me mad again when he told me he had never really forgotten me. What the h***! I couldn't believe that he could make me feel so low, like a s*** who keeps getting in the way! Man, I was ready to erupt so I guess I just hung up and ignored all his calls after that! I mean, I'm not that desperate, ok!

Towards his wedding, he text me asking for my address to send his card but I don't think I ever gave it too him, somehow, being hit two times has made me be more comfortable being as far away as possible from him. I'm also ashamed to admit that I didn't go to his wedding, truth is, I really forgot but maybe my subconscious mind MADE me forget about it.

Last night, I receiced a text message from him. After all the pleasantries exchanged, he told me his good news: He was going to be a father! I laughed when I told him I couldn't imagine him as a father and I guess for a while, we were just like the old times UNTIL he told me that his wife was outstation and that was why he was smsing me. Feeling my temper starting to rise, I found fault in all his smses and at one point, I stopped replying and ignored his call after that.

However, when I was ready to sleep, I was suddenly engulfed in this guilt so big, I felt like suffocating. I mean, just because I had been feeling so down a few days ago didn't mean I could just push a friend aside when I felt like it. Yes, I was mad at him for reminding me 'things' but still, I never really told him that I didn't like what he was doing. I've always beat around the bush whenever it comes to him so I guess he deserves the truth!

I told him, bukan call aaa, that I still wasn't comfortable around him no matter how many years had passed. I told him that I still was mad because he made some of our friends think that things weren't as they really were and he never bothered to correct them. I told him that I didn't think I could ever be close to him as we were (and this is also because I'm a bit guarded towards my relationship with my married male friends.. ye la, I'm telling 'someone' to stop befriending 'laki orang' and I don't want to be said as 'cakap tak serupa bikin', do I?). I told him that I hated the way he spoiled everything just when we were starting to be ok with each other.

I was expecting anger.. fury! Instead I got a reply that somehow made me understand that he never really realized why I was so, whats the word, stiff around him. I always wondered, doesn't he understand I didn't want anything to do with him whenever he started contacting me. But he told me, he realized that everytime he tried to talk to me, I'd give him my cold shoulder, no matter how careful he had put his word together.. Fact here: Some guys just DON'T UNDERSTAND! Haha, I thought I had made myself clear but I guess I never did!

Somehow, it touched me that no matter how teruk I was to him, he was always trying to ask for my forgiveness when it was ME who was supposed to do that, after the way I treated him. Maybe he doesn't understand the limits, but did I TELL him about them? I was mad at him, but really, did I have the right to be? Being more open now, I don't really think so..

*Really ashamed of myself now!*

I guess I should have been truthful to him from the start. I only wanted a friend when we were close, once upon a time ago but since I wasn't, we ended up in this mess. I mean, I thought it was obvious but instead, when things took a turn for the worse, I just walked off without really confronting him. Then when he doesn't really understand my actions, I don't take the liberty to make things clear, instead, konon tak mau cakap bagi sakit hati la ni, I just beat around the bush. I'm sorry!

To my big brother, 'K'.. I'm gonna really hide this entry (and the whole blog) from you as carefully as I can but if one day, unfortunately, you come across this, I just want you to know that I appreciate you always being there for me. Yes, I was mad, but I realize, it isn't really my place to be mad at you. Maybe, it was a good thing you never understood my 'running away' from you.. but please don't make me feel it would've been better if you understood since most people would just trot off without turning back. And when my niece/nephew is born, believe me, this is the best Aunty Ayu in the world for him/her!

No comments: