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Saturday, September 10, 2005

I just want a good cry :'(

I feel soooooooo stupid! So ignorant.. so naive.. so silly.. so dumb.. and so sad!

Just now, feeling a bit triumphant for completing some of my work, I started to browse the internet. You know what I found out a few months ago (this is from a buta IT girl so if you guys already knew this centuries ago, please bear with me hehe..), if you type your id in 'search' it will list all the sites that you are members of and so on. Like me, when I type my usual id, a list of a few items come out, and I was just playing around at that time. It listed my blog, my fotopages and even comments I had put in other peoples blog. It also listed this group which i'm supposed to be a member of but I've forgotten when!

Anyway, suddenly an id (not really id la, but a preferred nickname) from a distant memory popped into my mind and without realizing, I was typing this id into Yahoo! Search. I laughed when I found a lot of irrelevant sites here but my eyes caught this Malaysian site about computers where this nickname was a member of this group, and as you could've guessed it, I clicked on the URL and entered the site.

It was him! I know it was him, from the birthday to the location to the nickname itself and especially since this site was dedicated to computers, there was no doubt in my mind! Suddenly 1001 thoughts came rushing back into my head, and God! how terrible the feeling was..

I realized a lot of things when I pried into this profile, and yes, I guess some people have gone on with their life and it seems I'm the only one who hasn't.. I mean, there were some instances where I noticed 'things' but I ignored them, still hoping for something to finally emerge..

Now I feel.. I dunno.. there's too much feelings I'm experiencing now but one thing for sure, I really want a good cry now (or maybe I am having it now.. )

Ok² Baizurah, I know what you'd say,"Rimas la saya ngan awak ni.. move on will ya!" Hahah.. you said that to me a few months (or is it weeks?) ago.. and how about Toroque and Yokies? They'd surely be worried all over again, and how happy Toroque was when I promised to walk straight ahead without turning back (this comes from a 'cousin' who once stayed up for 3 hours just to hear me crying, didn't really need words and how glad I was when he didn't scold me for crying, he just wanted me to have a really good cry).. not to mention the others (Awa, CikWa, kak Maria, Amir bla.. bla.. the list goes on!)..

I'm just this hopeless case!

And I'm letting all of my friends down..

I'm sorry guys..

*God, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change..*

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