Some just don't get it..

There's a HUGE difference between people who NEED ME..

..and those who NEED TO CONTROL ME!!

Bila Tuhan bukakan hijab..

I 

DO NOT LIKE 

BEING MANIPULATED!

Just because I act dumb, doesn't mean I am. Maybe its because I have too much respect for you to point out that you have been busted and all your lies have come to my attention..

..and it hurts to know the truth about what has been said all this while!

Tuhan tunjukkan something I should know before I made the mistake of trusting you in this.

You disappoint me =(

So yes, I'm just gonna play dumb coz right now, I'm too angry to even confront the issue!

But don't worry, I didn't tell them the whole truth.. but only because I wanted to save your face.

Yeah.. I'm talking to you..

Borrowing the words from a well known over-dramatic diva (not in a good way kinda diva)..

Why are YOU 

so obsessed 

with ME?!?!

You! Yes, YOU!!

Tak payah kot nak stalk just to find some teensy weensy fault that you hope to blow up.. which, btw, always backfires on you.. and yeah, jgn pulak buat tak paham when all the while it actually HAS always backfired!

Get a life.. will you?!?

At times like these..

..I just wanna scream!!

Seriously!

I'm not mad.. just.. exasperated!

Why is it that when I'm too tired to try, you make me feel so guilty.

When I just want some time out, you make it as if I hate you.

When I just want to be the person you want me to be, you make sure I know its never gonna be enough!

..and you wonder why I keep running away ='(

Just now, I wanted to try to make it right. I just wanted you to know that, though from the outside it seems like things have gone for the worse, deep inside I've never changed.

And it was going so well..

..but you just had to ruin it didn't you!

You just had to..

Well.. wait till you get the 'message' I sent you.. then all hell would break loose =(

Just because I'm single.. seriously?!?! ~ Pt2

As I said.. I've been cautious since. Tipulah if I say I don't have married friends and avoid all friends who are husbands.. memang tipu sgt la kan especailly being at an age where even people younger than you have more than 1 kid. BUT, I make sure I know their wives too.. and lucky for me, most of my married guy friends love showing off their wives to us hehe..

Still, I've had situations when no matter what I do, its always wrong.

Situation A

Take, for instance, a friend of mine whom we'd call B. I've known him even before he got married and at the first chance he got, he introduced me to his, then, girlfriend (now wife) cause he knew his girl had a streak of jealousy in her. I thought I was the last person on earth for her to be jealous of since

1. I'm WAY older than both of them.. ahkak, ok!
2. I'm definitely not beautiful or attractive in any kind of way
3. I've always insisted on being called 'kak' ensuring (or so I thought) their girls that I'm just the big sis
4. I try to be close to her just like I'm close to B. I do anything she asks me to whenever she wants my help and such.

What I got: Being told that 'My wife doesn't want me near you!' is kinda hurting.. and it hurts more when its not said to your face. Seriously?!?! Handsome sgt ka laki hang?!?! Do I look DESPERATE?!?!

Situation B

This 2nd one is more laughable now then when it happened. This one pulak was with a guy older than me whom I wasn't even close with. He's an assistant in the project I was working on so I always had to be with him (and half a dozen other assistants!!) during data collection season. I knew his wife and NEVER called him at home. If it was absolutely important (by 'important' I mean 'as directed by my boss IMMEDIATELY' since this particular assistant was late) I'd call his wife first, asking permission to speak to him. It was what we (me and the other female researchers) always did, in trying to respect the wife.

What I got: Numerous lengthy smses calling me names that are harmful to the ear and wishing bad things happened to me coz her husband kept talking about me at home. By 'talking about me', I'm guessing he talked about the whole lot of us but since I had the most common name of all, AYU, she somehow imagined he only talked about me. Once again.. seriously?!? I'm single so I'm desperate kah?!?! Ni pun another case of laki hang tak ensem puuuuuuuunnn. Sheeshhh~~

Situation C

Ni agak menakutkan. At least for me la.. I always try to maintain a friendly demeanour with my colleagues at the place I'm teaching, especially since most of them are way older than me. Old enough to be my dad pun ye.. if my 'dad' married early laaa (Abah married Mama when he was 30++ so I don't have a young dad hehe.. still, he got married younger than me hahah..)

Anyway, I thought they thought of me as their daughter la jugak kan.. Oh, how wrong I was.. at least for his particular one.. and I taught his daughter la, for God's sake! Seryes menyampah giler..

1st he smsed me on Teachers Day, wishing a happy one for me. It was normal since our Boss pun rajin sms everyone on Teachers Day (dengan pesanan, sile carik duit lebih utk dia hahah..) Still, I was a bit annoyed with whomever had given out my phone number but I replied la with the same greeting.. then he kept smsing.

It made me VERY uncomfortable but thinking that this guy thinks of me as his daughter kot, I tried to stay positive, though I stopped replying.

The next day he called almost every hour, even when I didn't pick up. He'd sms asking why I didn't pick up and not wanting to hurt his feelings, I told him I didn't notice the call.. TEETTTT! Wrong move.

This continued for a few more weeks and I was afraid of him. Especially when he'd sms me in the middle of class, commenting on my smile and such.. and I wasn't even replying to his texts. He'd pretend to block me when I wanted to use the stairs even when I'd turn away to take the other stairs and he'd wait downstairs until my class ended even though his had ended 15 minutes earlier. It was tiring pretending I didn't see him or hear him and walk straight to my car while feigning concentration on a bogus call. But did he take a hint.. NO!

I talked about this to a friend and he suggested that I tell (lets call this person C) C I don't like him contacting me.. I did just that the next time C called (which I ignored) and smsed me thus prompting me to do what I had planned.. know what he said?

"You're single.."

That was it! I was fuming.. Does he seriously think that because I'm single, I'd just accept what he was doing. Right there and then, I told him I HATED what he was doing and told him to stop it if he didn't want me involving the boss. I also told him to delete my phone number as I didn't want to get any phone calls or smses anymore.

He stopped for a week, but one day while I was teaching, I caught C peeking into my class room. A few minutes later, I received an sms commenting on the colour of the t-shirt I was wearing. I was mad enough to cry angry tears. I pretended I didn't know whose number it was but when he said, "Tak tau ke buat tak tau" and laughed, I snapped.

I tried to be as civil as I could but I'm not sure I'd like to remember what I said to him next. I'm not that good at swearing (Hahah, my brother can second that.. he says 'Kak Yong takde bakat nak maki org!") but I managed a few words I've only heard on P Ramlee movies.

Then, it thankfully stopped! But I could never look at C again.. EVER!

Situation D

Thus, the current emotion. The previous entry, I wrote that I promised myself that I'd never hurt my mum in ways that involved married men. When I made that promise to myself, I meant it! I avoid any situation that could lead to even a joke about it.

So yes, I was mad when a joke was made that 'I've only got 1 wife, I still have vacancies if she doesn't have anyone else yet'!

And yes, I know it was a joke.

But it doesn't matter if you were among my bestfriend 10 years ago or 15 years ago or even 20 years ago. It doesn't matter if I know you as someone who liked to teased me even then. It doesn't matter that before this, I would've laughed at any jokes you threw at me, knowing you never mean to hurt me and only want me to laugh. It doesn't matter that you are almost family anyway..

What matters is, the joke has fallen into wrong hands! What matters is the joke has come to the attention of a married someone who is cheating on her husband with another married man. What matters is, I feel as if this joke is turning into something else altogether.. as if what this person has been doing all this while is 'right' because it seems that I 'might' be doing it too (though in my case, I'm NOT married la kan.. and most importantly, I'm not wrecking someone else's happiness! I'm not wiping away the smile on your wife's face!) in the near future if given a chance. What matters is, my vocal objections on this persons cheating will seem no longer important and valid coz maybe, just maybe, I AM doing the exact same thing this person is doing..

..and that hurts!

To belittle a promise I made years ago. A promise I still hold on too, even now. Even after feeling like this joke, in my name, is being used to 'validate' a wrong that someone else is committing.

Just because I'm single..

That sure hurts!

Coz as so many CLEVER and INTELLIGENT people know, single people (especially in their 30s like me la kan) are all DESPERATE! Single 30-something people like me will jump at any chance given, even if they know the other person is married.

Maybe its not your fault. You didn't know the joke would go so far, you didn't know that someone who heard about it might use it for their own selfish reasons.. but for today, I'm still blaming you!

They always blame the single girl.. always! But today, its on you!

Sorry~~

Just because I'm single.. seriously?!?! ~ Pt1

I'm not sure whether to laugh or to cry right now.. as of this exact moment, I'm kinda mad yet can't stop laughing, albeit hysterically, for recent happenings.

Yes.. I'm single! BIG NEWS.. lah sangat~~

But I don't really mind.. trust me! Not la that once in a while I don't get a bit worried. Of course la I do, I'm human, remember. This usually happens particularly when I feel like I want to share any piece of news, happy or sad, and realize that I don't have that exclusive person to share it with. I'd ponder on it for a while (or an hour or two), but that's usually the extent of it. I'm not left sleepless at night thinking of it or anything.

I owe this to a piece of information I retrieved from a book Abah bought when I was smaller. He was forever buying those books from the pasar malam which more often than not could teach you so much more than hundred ringgits of Encyclopedia (This was pre-Google, ok! Pre-widely accessible internet even!) I usually couldn't wait for Abah to finish with them (especially the ones on 'kisah teladan' since I'm such a story-book junkie) so I could have my turn. There were lots you could learn from those surprisingly cheap books and one of those things I remembered was how your rezeki and jodoh (among others) has already been predetermined since you were a 4 month old (or was it 3?) fetus.

I pondered on this thought for months and found other things from Abah's books that supported this. But still, those books also reminded readers that though it has already been predetermined, WE ourselves do not know what is in store for us. THAT is why we still have to strive and try our best in everything so that what is to be ours would be savored so much more sweetly, knowing we gave some effort in it. Allah knows best. He'd give it to you at the EXACT right time which He knows better that you do.. and better than all those people around you!

So, because of this, I'm not so worried as some people might think I am.. or what they think I should be..

..and THIS is the cause of my problem!

Some years ago, my father remarried. Of course we were shocked and all that but it didn't take me long to accept it.. or at least not as long as OTHERS thought I should. The reason? As above..

I remembered that piece of information I got from my fathers books and realized, who am I to be mad about this when Allah had 'written' it down on my fathers 'life story' even before he was born. So just like that, I made myself accept what had happened.

However, my acceptance of it was misunderstood by my mother who took it as a betrayal of me to her. And I think this was what saddened me more than Abah's marriage. They say 'Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned'. I learnt this firsthand =(

I tried to reason out, telling her about that piece of information I seemed to hold on for dear life in this situation but she was mad enough at me to make that time of my life something I'd rather forget.. Even when I tried my best to act neutrally. When that didn't work, I tried telling her that jodoh is something of an exclusive secret of Allah. I told her that it shouldn't come as a surprise if one day me or Izati find ourselves about to marry an already married man..

I know! I know.. I shouldn't have said that but I was trying the 'worst-case scenario' approach so she'd stop being so mad and try to at least accept it. I was 23(?) 24(?) for God's sake! How was I to know the right way of handling the situation. In my heart, I was praying that THAT would never happen (God forbid!) but I was also hoping that the thought would make her realize God's will isn't something you could contest and thus, help ease my mother's pain..

..OF COURSE LA IT DIDN'T!

She was so mad at me that she warned me never again to bring up that subject, nor joke about it even not to think about it or I'd be considered derhaka.

There and then I made a promise to myself that I won't hurt her that way and I hoped that wasn't in Allah's plan for me..

But I give my word, I've be cautious eversince.. and realized, I have a growing resentment for people who get involved in married people even when they know the marriage status of their 'partner'. Being single is not an excuse to get involved with a married man/woman and some people genuinely do not know the status of their 'partner' until its too late.. but two people who are married to other people yet still get involved with each other are those who are the lowest low to me!

Opsss.. dah pukul 5.43am.. Stop jap and sambung later

What the...?!?!

So there I was, driving alone back to my rented house after my form 5 class in Jawi. Usually the traffic at this hour is more leisurely than busy so I didn't have to worry much (Eversince the accident, I've been having stupid 'premonitions' of more accidents.. waaa, and I thought I wasn't traumatized!).

Well, didn't have to worry much, until..

I was at the traffic light at Taman Ilmu, waiting for the green light. I noticed a few teenagers on motorcycles in front of the car on the other lane and those kids were joking around while waiting for the green signal. I had no reason to panic as
1. They were dutifully waiting for the green light too
2. They were on the other lane
3. They were wearing their helmets and all, thus gave me this false security that they were careful.. duh!

When the light turned green, I just shifted into the drive gear and moved forward, gaining speed as I moved on. I wanted to go back quickly as I still wasn't feeling well but I wasn't THAT much in a hurry, thankfully!

The kids on the bikes were way in front of me when it happened and I can still fell my heart leaping outta my chest as I recall it in slow-mo <--Ok! Ade drama skit kot di situ hahah..

On the kid in the middle (there were 3 kids on 3 bikes) suddenly shoved his friend on his right, I assume, jokingly. However, his friend lost control of his motorcycle and fell off his bike right in the middle of the road as his motorcycle slid towards my lane (I was on the right). Syukur Alhamdulillah, I was at the right speed to avoid his motorcycle.. barely!

The car behind me had to slam his brakes just in time for the boy to get up quickly (his upper body was in our lane by that time) as his motorcycle slid ever further away and outta harm..

..and I was swearing like a sailor!

Err, ok la.. swearing as much as my limited vocabulary would allow me (which btw, would just make me the butt of jokes for sailors!) And NOT to the boy who fell in my lane..

What the hell?!?

His friend is like sooooo @%*($%^&. What was he thinking, joking around like that, ON THE ROAD.. ON A MOVING MOTORCYCLE.. budussss!

A lot of things went through my head as I avoided the boy and his motorcycle.. among them: I DO NOT want another accident in just 5 months!

Ok, on my part, it may seem selfish, thinking of myself before the boy who almost got into an accident there.. but as I said earlier, particularly my expanses haven't really recovered from the accident I had a few months ago.

Sheesh! And I still can't forget the 'scene' of what happened. Still seeing that boy falling off his bike as I was gaining speed.. Alhamdulillah la takde ape jadi..

But I'm still mad at his friend! Buduh! Sebab tu la budak² tak bleh ade lesen klau takde tanggungjawab camni..

Grr.. nak marah pun ade!! Sabo je lah..

I've had my car back with me for more than 2 weeks now.. sepatutnye they (the workshop) had made sure everything was okay la kan.. sepatutnye.. *sigh*

My first impression when I got my car back was: Bisingnye engine dia skrg..

..which I ignored sbb ingt kot dia tuko bnyk sgt bende kan due to the accident. Ye la, the supervisor in-charge had assured me a few days earlier that my car was ready and they only had to make a THOROUGH INSPECTION to makes they had not made any mistakes.

Sungguh naif diriku ini..

Endured the noisy engine which made me cringe sbb rase cam satu taman leh dgr.. okay lagi..

Then a week after, I noticed that whenever I made a turn, there was a noise. Sheesh.. remembered when I once had this problem and they had to change the drive shaft(?) ka apa ka.. cost me RM400++ kot klau tak silap. Tp dlm hati, takkan aritu diorg tak tuko kot?!?!

I had planned to go and check with them but was told by some friends that some workshops have this 'warranty period' (usually 1 week) and since I only noticed this around 10 days after I got my car, I might have to pay for whatever it is they might do to my car.. sheesh! Dah la takde gaji niiiiiii.. bongok laaaa

Tawwakal je laaa..

Then on Tuesday, had to go to kak Nab's house for some briefing on the program we're having at the end of this month. Mule tu ok je, but when I started speeding on the highway, that was this queer noise coming from my left front tyre.. the same one that was bashed in the accident.. ohhh, apekah ini?

Me and Yun tried to see if there was anything (visibly) wrong but couldn't find anything. When we continued our journey, the noise became louder and stranger everytime I speeded that in the end, I drove only 80km/hr on the highway.. agak sabar la jugak kan sy nak bwk slow gitu kat highway hahah..

Then, rezeki turun dari langit.. I had not expected any gaji for this month as I had missed my classes for 2 months (first month due to Ramadhan.. the second due to no car after the accident) but I got a call from the tuition centre saying they had a cheque for me. I'm guessing my students who hadn't paid in the last few months hgad finally manage to pay.. yeay!

Still, I was only expecting around 200~300 only as yg berhutang pun ade la dlm 10~15 org je kot but I got a mild suprise when I saw a cheque for RM700++.. okay, sy tau tak la bnyk mane, but since I wasn't expecting ANYTHING, sgt la terase mcm suke. Mau pulak, I was worried about the condition of my car and really wanted to check it, just in case lambat² kang lagi teruk and my kete kene tahan workshop lagi.. which would lead to me missing my classes again and no gaji gaian plak kang next month klau camtu..

This time I went to my usual mechanic and he showed me the problem.. ok, boleh tak nak marah, my tyre was like hanging by a thread (okay, I'm exagerrating!). Sib baik tak jadi ape² mase going to and from kat Seberang Jaya smlm tu.. and the total cost? RM450.. huwaaaaa~~

So sile kire brape je balance dpt kat sy.. sewa rumah pun tak lepas ni..

Macam sedih tak rase?

My usual mechanic told me to file a report to my insurance company about what the previous workshop had done. He even kept the spare part buruk giler they had used on my car.. tatau la, ade gak perasaan nak buat smlm tp bese la Ayu, malas mengatasi segalenye..

Haishhhh..

On the bright side, tu pun nasib baik ade students byr utang kan.. so AT LEAST I have a bit of money to stretch around. Ce klau tadek langsung, mane nak cari duit byr mechanic smlm?!? Or worse, if I didn't go check my car and something bad happened while I was driving.. naudzubillah!

Anyway: Sesape ade keje kosong yg temporary punye dak?!?!