This morning, I did my usual ngaji after Subuh. I came across this ayat from surah Al Maidah verse 89 and though I don't understand it, I felt a sudden pull on finding out the meaning so using Google just now, I found this..
You see, earlier this year, I heard a certain rumor about something that scared me. I guess no matter how old you are, you never want anything to happen to your family. I was so worried that I couldn't sleep at night so one night I got up and made a bargain with God.
At that time, I was having a tug of war between my heart and my head about a very personal matter. Of course my heart was winning, especially since what I wanted was right there in front of me, within grasp but still uncertain (this was where my head came in.. always rational.. always overthinking.. always wanting to make sure I don't get hurt..)
Anyway, the deal was, if nothing happened the way I heard, I would gladly let my head win and let go of this one thing my heart was sure I wanted..
As of now, the thing I was scared of happening hasn't happened (and I hope it NEVER would too!)
However, I have been toying with the idea of the thing I had wanted before for a few months now too..
I know, I shouldn't! I've been trying to remind myself every now and then but I keep, for lack of a better word, relapsing. There are times when even my heart could be persuaded that letting go is whats best, especially since I made that earnest deal in the wee hours of morning months ago. But there are times (more and more of it) where even my head agrees that I seem better with this 'thing'.. happier!
And now I'm just so confused on what is it that I really want!
Nothing seems to be right and I've asked countless time to please not let my heart be attached to what is not mine but somehow, things haven't really been that easy. There are times I set out to ask assistance to forget and let go but I end up asking if its okay that I want it?
When I saw this tafsir of the ayat, I felt so malu. That morning when I made the deal, I was so sure that I'd be able to keep up my end of the bargain but it doesn't really seem so. I realize that I have broken my promise (tak kira la if its mine or not in the end.. I had said I'd let it go but I didn't!) and didn't honor the deal I made so myself but I think, this is His way of giving me a way out..
..and I'm so thankful for this as I don't think I'm strong enough yet to let go!
Alhamdulillah.. Indeed Allah is most merciful.. At least I won't have the sin of breaking my word, InsyaAllah..
As for what is it I want, its still up to Him and I can only pray that one day, I'd only want what is best for me, what He has written for me.. Amiin..