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Tuesday, November 29, 2016

A Subtle Reminder for Me.. *malu*


This morning, I did my usual ngaji after Subuh. I came across this ayat from surah Al Maidah verse 89 and though I don't understand it, I felt a sudden pull on finding out the meaning so using Google just now, I found this..

لا يُؤَاخِذُكُمُ اللَّهُ بِاللَّغْوِ فِي أَيْمَانِكُمْ وَلَكِنْ يُؤَاخِذُكُمْ بِمَا عَقَّدْتُمُ الأيْمَانَ فَكَفَّارَتُهُ إِطْعَامُ عَشَرَةِ مَسَاكِينَ مِنْ أَوْسَطِ مَا تُطْعِمُونَ أَهْلِيكُمْ أَوْ كِسْوَتُهُمْ أَوْ تَحْرِيرُ رَقَبَةٍ فَمَنْ لَمْ يَجِدْ فَصِيَامُ ثَلاثَةِ أَيَّامٍ ذَلِكَ كَفَّارَةُ أَيْمَانِكُمْ إِذَا حَلَفْتُمْ وَاحْفَظُوا أَيْمَانَكُمْ كَذَلِكَ يُبَيِّنُ اللَّهُ لَكُمْ آيَاتِهِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَشْكُرُونَ (٨٩)

Allah tidak menghukum kamu disebabkan sumpah-sumpahmu yang tidak dimaksud (untuk bersumpah), tetapi Dia menghukum kamu disebabkan sumpah-sumpah yang kamu sengaja, Maka kaffarat (melanggar) sumpah itu, ialah memberi Makan sepuluh orang miskin, Yaitu dari makanan yang biasa kamu berikan kepada keluargamu, atau memberi pakaian kepada mereka atau memerdekakan seorang budak. barang siapa tidak sanggup melakukan yang demikian, Maka kaffaratnya puasa selama tiga hari. yang demikian itu adalah kaffarat sumpah-sumpahmu bila kamu bersumpah (dan kamu langgar). dan jagalah sumpahmu. Demikianlah Allah menerangkan kepadamu hukum-hukum-Nya agar kamu bersyukur (kepada-Nya). [Qs. Al-Maidah (5) : 89-9.

And suddenly I felt so ashamed of myself.. Rase mcm kene tegur in a very subtle way but the message was clear enough that I felt humbled He didn't 'tegur' me in a more severe way.

You see, earlier this year, I heard a certain rumor about something that scared me. I guess no matter how old you are, you never want anything to happen to your family. I was so worried that I couldn't sleep at night so one night I got up and made a bargain with God.

At that time, I was having a tug of war between my heart and my head about a very personal matter. Of course my heart was winning, especially since what I wanted was right there in front of me, within grasp but still uncertain (this was where my head came in.. always rational.. always overthinking.. always wanting to make sure I don't get hurt..)

Anyway, the deal was, if nothing happened the way I heard, I would gladly let my head win and let go of this one thing my heart was sure I wanted..

As of now, the thing I was scared of happening hasn't happened (and I hope it NEVER would too!)

However, I have been toying with the idea of the thing I had wanted before for a few months now too..

I know, I shouldn't! I've been trying to remind myself every now and then but I keep, for lack of a better word, relapsing. There are times when even my heart could be persuaded that letting go is whats best, especially since I made that earnest deal in the wee hours of morning months ago. But there are times (more and more of it) where even my head agrees that I seem better with this 'thing'.. happier!

And now I'm just so confused on what is it that I really want!

Nothing seems to be right and I've asked countless time to please not let my heart be attached to what is not mine but somehow, things haven't really been that easy. There are times I set out to ask assistance to forget and let go but I end up asking if its okay that I want it?

When I saw this tafsir of the ayat, I felt so malu. That morning when I made the deal, I was so sure that I'd be able to keep up my end of the bargain  but it doesn't really seem so. I realize that I have broken my promise (tak kira la if its mine or not in the end.. I had said I'd let it go but I didn't!) and didn't honor the deal I made so myself but I think, this is His way of giving me a way out..

..and I'm so thankful for this as I don't think I'm strong enough yet to let go!

Alhamdulillah.. Indeed Allah is most merciful.. At least I won't have the sin of breaking my word, InsyaAllah..

As for what is it I want, its still up to Him and I can only pray that one day, I'd only want what is best for me, what He has written for me.. Amiin..

Stupidity Strikes Again!

HEART: A hairline fracture was discovered around the heart recently. The fracture might not have been noticed if feelings had not been seen leaking through the tearducts in the past few days.

Investigation has uncovered that the fracture has actually been around for almost 2 weeks or so. However, denial and pretending-everything-was-ok were the culprits that hid the pain before. It was also discovered that the initial point of fracture was due to something else but it was not treated in time before the second heavy blow came crashing towards it about a week ago. Experts are not sure on how long it would take to rectify the situation as current measures taken do not seem to have any effect.

"I don't know what happened. I've been so careful in the past few years. I may have put my guard down in the past months but I was sure that I'd taken extra measures to take care of the heart," says the guardian of the heart when asked for her comment on the situation.

The wall surrounding the heart had crumbled a few weeks prior due to unforeseeable and unexpected circumstances. Experts believe this damage was the reason the blow could even come in contact with the heart as these walls were the first line of defense in protecting it.

Monday, November 28, 2016

Half a Woman? Pt 4

Monday, 3 October 2016

That morning I was waiting for the doctor to tell me if I could be discharged or not. They came to check my wound and the bandage was finally taken off.. One word:

BURUK!

As I looked in horror on how ugly it was, BOTH wounds, she gave me the good news: I could be discharged if I wanted to. I had confirmed that I was no longer throwing up and though it still hurt to eat, it was much better than yesterday. Actually I was still throwing up and my wound still hurt (both which I gave white lies since I no longer wanted to stay in the hospital) but I was sure I could take care of myself by then.

I called Izati and told her the good new. Luckily it was still a holiday (Awal Muharram) so she wasn't working. She cancelled her morning walk (sorry hehe..) and got ready to fetch me while I tried packing up my things slowly. Yg kene tunduk sgt tu mmg kene mntk tolong Izati la when she got there.

At this time, I was suddenly feeling overwhelmed. It felt like too many things were happening at once and I hated the fact that I was helpless. I've always been independent so when I had to rely on other, it just felt so.. wrong, I guess. I couldn't talk about this to anyone except one friend who surprisingly was there throughout it all, even when I refused to talk to anyone..

I was still okay as Izati wheeled me out of the building to her car but once we got out of the hospital compound, I couldn't help the tears. Those tears surprised me as I thought I'd gotten it together after a short nap sebelum tu and I was ashamed that I couldn't even stop. Malu with my sister as I didn't like her seeing me like this so balik tu I went straight to lie down and (pretended) to fall asleep.

That was my first bad day, I guess as I had been holding up just fine sebelum tu..

..and after that it was a rollercoaster of feelings!

Boleh tak, I saw the word 'twisted' on tv and I was filled with this.. rage?

Then there were times I wanted to cry so much but I didn't want to do that in front of my family.

But there were also times when I felt ok.. or relieved even that they found my problem when they did. Who knows what would've happened if it was left to fester inside my body..

The few days after were, challenging, at least in my mind. I don't know what I would've done without the support of my family (Mama preparing my meals.. when its been so long since anyone has done that for me. Then Izati, bless her, who took seriously my pantang. She scoured Giant every evening trying to find the things I should eat and took notes from my friends on my dos and don'ts, even referring to them when she went to the pasar malam. She also bought me a packet of getah bodos since those were the only ones I could use on my hair.. Bak kata dia dulu, nasib baikkk dapat adik perempuan hehe..) and the support of the only friends I was willing to share with who were always there whether I wanted it or not (I wanted it, I know now.. So thanks to those who knew about it more than I was willing to admit.. Tuhan je boleh balas! Even simple words like 'I'll be here' were enough)

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Conflicted..


It's one of those times when you feel as if your heart and head are at war..

I've been so used to it for the past few weeks.. months.. and now that it's 'gone', I dunno how to feel :(

I've been so careful with my heart, with my feelings.. why?

Friday, November 25, 2016

Half a Woman? Pt 3

Friday, 30 September 2016 (Birthday Ami! ♡) 

By this day, I was already feeling a bit guilty. I didn't feel any pain AT ALL, except when the doctors poked around my abdomen area, tu pun mcm sgt slight sahaja, not like full blown pain macam I felt on Wednesday. Once again I was contemplating on telling the nurses I wanted to check myself out ke canne..

Turned out on Thursday there were too many emergencies so the surgery team had to deal with those dulu. Pagi² lagi my surgeon came to tell me, by hook or by crook he was gonna operate on my that day jugak so I still had to continue with fasting. Before this, I'd always been fascinated with iv drips tp by then, I'd be glad if I NEVER had to encounter one for the rest of my life dah.

Umi and Annisa came around noon bringing food (which I could only look at) and other essentials. Then Mama and Iskandar arrived so I had a bit more company than usual then. I wanted to ask Umi if she could help me with discharging myself (I really was feeling as if I was wasting everybody's time since I was feeling fine compared to everyone else in the ward) but somehow I couldn't bring myself to say it. They left after visiting hours ended and once again I was left with nothing to do.

Another girl (who kept calling herself kak when she was clearly younger than me haha..) came to the ward for a while as she waited to be discharged. She asked to borrow my phone to call her housemate and I was, how do you say it, tersentak kejap when someone from my phonebook plak muncul dulu as I dialed the number she wanted. Turns out only a few numbers ujung tu je yg lain. Will be quite unsettling klau the said person tu was housemate budak ni..

That night I finally washed my hair (Umi bawak shampoo, yeay!) and was quite bored lagi sebab I had nothing to do. The surgery pun macam tak jadiiiii je sebab senyap je semua org so I switched on my data again (save battery sungguh ok sbb malu nak charge, wanted to save battery from Izati's power bank pun ye since I didn't know how long lagi I was staying).

Then around 10.30pm (dah lights offf jugak.. mcm hostel plak hehe..) my surgeon came into the room saying it was my turn lepas ni. First thing in my mind, nasib baik basuh rambut tadi.. boley? Second thought: what if there's nothing wrong and mmg betul I've wasted everybody's time?!?!

The makcik in the bed across me tried to sooth me as I got ready. She thought I was scared padahal benonye I was afraid that nothing was wrong with me, drama je lebey pastu nanti org nyampah.. errr.. I was starting to regret not checking myself out siang tu because I really did feel so much better. I only manged to inform Mama and a friend of mine that I was heading to the OT..

Well, I guess I was a bit nervous la jugak wpun I've been briefed about the procedure by the funny doctor semalam tu. The OT wasn't at all as I imagined (pengaruh tv niii) but I smiled when I heard loud music in it (so betul la mcm dlm tv jugak skit). I was wide awake as they checked itu ini and didn't really notice the exact time I was unconscious..

Saturday, 1 October 2016

I woke up in the, tatau nama area, and was half conscious. I say half because I could open my eyes and could notice everything around me.. AND realize I was babbling nonsense. I KNEW what I was doing but I couldn't stop. The nurses mesti dah biasa but dlm I was half awake tu, I was actually horrified, malu gile kot.

As they wheeled me back to the ward, I was in and out of it but I DID notice that they had sent me to somewhere other than the surgical ward I had stayed for the past few days. I wanted to asked but I don't think I made any sense. The nurses pun were busy clothing me but I DO remember asking where the toilet is (yang tuuuuu mau plak kuar ayat lengkap instead of the mumbling I was doing sebelum tu) and I remember the nurse telling me to not worry about it right before I dropped off to sleep again.

When I woke up, I was wearing pink instead of the green ones I wore in the surgical ward. They then told me, this was the gynae ward and I only thought of the worst (what else could I think off klau the pain from that general area!) They had given me some morphine and sponge bathed me before the doctors made their rounds. I was still a bit groggy when the surgeon came to me. I didn't recognize him since he wasn't the one I was assigned to before and he had this grim face on that I was afraid to hear what he wanted to say.

Turns out my appendix was ok so they had to do this exploratory surgery on me and found a large (9x5cm) cycst on my right ovary (so that was why we all thought it was appendicitis earlier). Normally they would just cut the cyst off but somehow it had swollen enough to twist my Fallopian tubes twice causing it to a gangrene state so they had to cut off the whole thing (right side laa) to prevent sepsis as it was already dead by then. I felt a huge surge of relief because to tell you the truth, I thought I had lost the whole thing. I even joked that since I was left-handed, it was only appropriate that my left one was intact. Only later did I feel what I guess I was supposed to feel then..

So I had two incisions, a horizontal one for the appendix procedure (they still removed it alang² kan) and a vertical one for.. this.

Mama and Izati arrived as soon as it was visiting hours but I was still in and out of it so I wasn't very good company. Abah also came earlier with Annisa, Irfan and Imran. I was still feeling nauseous (and somehow still managed to throw up walaupun dah bnyk hari tak makan) and kept hyperventilating (I really hated Bella in Twilight sbb asyik hyperventilate and that day, I turned into her, though it wasn't sbb a boy laaa :p) but other than that, I was either awake or tak-sedar-pun-bila-tido-balik.

Mama planned to stay with me but gynae ward tak bg org temankan so Izati had to come back hehe.. Sian Ti!

Sunday, 2 October 2016

I was finally allowed to eat, much to my delight. The nurse yang in charge of food pun (the same one from the surgical ward) pun lega sbb she knows how many days I'd been fasting by then. Nurse yg dengar pasal I could eat tu pun amused apaaaa tgk I was so excited bleh makan but my tummy protested. Sbb dah lama tak mkn kot, pedih giler!

My morphine thingey was taken away since I didn't need it anymore (semalam tu pun mcm tak la beza sgt pun) and then the catheter for my urine was also (why can't I think of another word besides 'disconnected'?) dicabut and I rushed to the bathroom for a quick wash down (sblm tu asyik sponge bath je), brushing my teeth and all. Lega sangat even if it hurt to move so much.

Mama and Izati arrived just after 12pm bringing me a fresh change of underwear haha.. Terus lari (ok, tipu la sbb tak leh lari but I went as fast as I could) ke toilet to change. I didn't tell my friends sgt pun about me being admitted and all but still I received 2 visitors (yang dah dipesan bnyk kali tak payah datang!) that day who somehow made me smile despite me not wanting to see anyone benonye. Anuar arrived bearing gifts: books and donuts! Mengidam dari aritu kan ♡♡♡ He also let me borrow his charger though I didn't actually use it in the ward. Felt a bit awkward la kot since I'm not really used to him but this sweet gesture managed to cheer me up and help me forget things I didn't want to think about then (ye, time ni I was starting to realize what has actually happened to me). Then petang skit Ina Penguin sampai with Rania, Keysha and AA la, of course. The last time I met her was during her wedding and I had a good time talking with her then. Sebelum balik, she whispered to me that she thought she was pregnant and was gonna check that night. I was so happy for her =) =) =)

That night I let myself have a proper shower.. which should take 10 minutes tops tp took me almost half an hour due to my condition then. Tp leganyaaaa Tuhan je yg tau =) And to my horror? Amusement? I fell asleep 5 minit lepas balik dari mandi, boley? Nak mandi pun penat ehh..


Half a Woman? Pt 2

Thursday 29 September 2016

I woke up around 5am (tp tatau la nak ckp 'woke up' ke tak since I hardly slept pun). By then the nuse had already given me a new change of errr 'attire' as well as a, nak panggil ape eh, 'urine collector'? After taking a shower and changing, another doctor came up to me. Dr comey hehe.. by name of Dr Imran. He took my history and all before they transferred me into the actual ward (mlm tu tido luar sbb tak cukup tmpt). A while later some doctors made their rounds and I was pretty conscious when they came discussing la ape la. Jenuh buat muka macho :p

Mid morning, Dr Imran came to take some blood sample lagi. Katanya my blood test inconclusive so I surrendered my already bruised arm (I think I have a photo somewhere tp in my phone. Nnt have to figure out how to put it here) Kiri kanan dah lebam cenni but they did it sgt² carefully so am not complaining. Lgpun, I have a suspiscion yg benonye I'm the one who bruises easily..

Then another doctor came who explained the procedure. A chinese one who I can't remember his name sbb jumpe sekali tu je but he was a funny guy and explained just like the way I joked with Izati. I guess its his way to make people relax la kot. He told me he wasn't the one operating on me sbb something along the line of 'not his turn(?)' but he explained dgn detail and even shared on what he'd do if it turned out bukan appendicitis. Ohh, sebelum tu he said, its 80% appendicitis sbb they would never know for sure until they open me up so he told me what they'd do if it wasn't. He also told me they'd try to get me in around noon.

Abah came with Irfan and Imran around 10am, I think but the boys weren't allowed in, maybe because they were too young anyway. Abah brouht along some essentials Umi told him to bring which I'm very thankful for sbb kelam kabut smlm tu, Izati only brought whatever came to her mind (cardigan, towel, socks, charger and a book!). Abah came with a toothbrush and toothpaste yg once he went home je, I rushed to the bathroom to brush my teeth yg dah almost 24hours not brushed. You never know how uncomfortable it is until you can't brush =D.

However, noon came and went (and I watched everyone else have kurma ayam for lunch and soft, gebu and sugary donuts for tea while I still had to fast) but still no call for me. By this time, I was feeling so much better than the day before and was even considering checking myself out kalau bukan sbb I didn't know the procedure and was too segan-tak-bertempat to ask.

Mama and Izati arrived late afternoon and stayed for a while. Still no news of my surgery and still couldn't eat. I only watched Izati eat je sbb she was hungry and hadn't managed to get her lunch tengahari tu.

That night I read the new book Izati brought me (also a magazine Umi told Abah to give me since she knew I'd be bored jugak). Lights off was early sbb most patients dah nak tido dah lepas Isya tu and I was left with nothing to do. I had switched off my data to save battery but switched it back on out of boredom and was glad I did as I had a friend to talk to. I hadn't really told anyone about this since I thought it was a simple appendix procedure so mcm malu la nak heboh² sangat.

Ok, I think I want to stop for a while. I feel like I need to cook something.. Pelik² la Ayu ni arini..

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Am still upset.. :'(

Half a Woman? Pt 1

I have something messing up with my mind for the past few days. I managed to shush them up by immersing myself in my books but today I just don't feel like reading. I tried taking a nap only to find myself feeling more upset (why?) Then I remembered this blog.. and how I've been meaning to write about what happened to me almost 2 months ago so here goes..

Wednesday, 28 September 2016
I was fasting that day. Tak abis qada lagi and was trying to finish it that particular week. I'd had a heavy sahur that morning (my usual habit. Iftar is usually lighter, sahur mmg heavy biasanye for the past few years) so I didn't expect to be hungry. Lagipun dah few days puasa by then so perut dah biasa.

Come noon, I was playing a game on the pc when I felt slight pain in the right side of my abdomen. It felt like what we'd call as 'angin' so I ignored it at first but it kept getting more intense so I lied down for a while in hopes it'd feel better but it didn't. Then I was suddenly overcome with cold sweat (as in menitik giler) and nausea. I barely had time to get to the sink before I threw up. Not sure if I could still puasa, I decided to buka there and then since I still felt a bit nauseated. I only managed to eat a bit of kurma before I started throwing up again and by this time, I was a bit panicked.

I normally don't Google symptoms (after the scare and DRAMA I had last year) but this time I decided to Google. The results were inconclusive which worried me even more to I decided to head to the nearest clinic which, thank God, was just a 5 minute drive from here. Since it was noon, I decided to wait untul after Zohor (which was a good call since lepas tu memang takde masa dah nak solat) so I went to take my noon shower and waited for the prayer call. Dalam solat tu pun I realized something was wrong when every movement hurt. I was reduced to praying while sitting for rakaats 2 till 4.

I drove to the clinic, yang thankfully again was dekaaat sgt dgn umah, with one hand one the steering and the other on my tummy. I was almost doubled up with discomfort but I didn't have anyone else to drive me. Nasib la jalan pun tak ramai org.

I arrived early, 1.45pm camtu kot and they only open at 2pm but the nurse at the front desk took my particulars siap² and asked me to sit. By then I think I was pale enough to cause alarm since a nurse just back from her break took one look at me and ushered me into the examination room. There I threw up again as she examined me and they instantly hooked me up to an iv drip.

The initial examination came up with appendicitis even if some things didn't add up (according to the doctor). She did an ultrasound on my abdomen and said she saw something suspicious too so she added it in the report she was sending along with me to the hospital. I was rushed to Hospital Seberang Jaya by ambulance (even if I was suddenly feeling a bit better - or was that my nerves yang lagi risau terus laaa send signal I was better?)

I arrived at the hospital around 4.30pm camtu kot (which is why I thought nasiiiiibb baik solat dulu tadi) and threw up again in the examination room (after waiting for an hour utk jumpe Dr since mmg ramai orang pun) The Indian Dr (I didn't get her name) was patient as she waited for me to clean up, Dr melayu tu je mcm tak nyempat haha.. Malu kot but I couldn't help myself. Diorg pun confirmkan as appedicitis and told me I had to wait a while before admitted sbb shortage of staff. While waiting je pun 2 bottles of the iv drip diorg tukar since I was already asked to fast pre-op (wpun sebenarnya I didn't realize it pun yet. Pastu I drank this Milo another patient gave me sbb it was almost 9pm then. Padan muka! Terus muntah balik. My tummy pun tau kene puasa kot)

I hadn't planned on telling anyone memula sbb I didn't want to bother them but since I was sehelai sepinggang je from Bukit Panchor, I had to tell my family. Izati and Mama arrived at nearly 10pm, right about the time I was wheeled into the ward so the security guard bg je diorg masuk sekali. They brought some essentials and left a bit later sbb tak boleh lama la kan..

That night I couldn't really sleep but then again 2 kali the night-shift doctor came to take my blood. He told me I was scheduled for tomorrow as soon as cases yang tgh queue up dah selesai. I was feeling much better then pun sebenarnya so I didn't really mind. It was nice talking to the doctor anyway and I guess dia pun nak tahan ngantuk so banyak la cerita dia.

I'll stop now.. Nak mandi tghari jap and maybe I'll sambung nanti..