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Monday, November 28, 2016

Half a Woman? Pt 4

Monday, 3 October 2016

That morning I was waiting for the doctor to tell me if I could be discharged or not. They came to check my wound and the bandage was finally taken off.. One word:

BURUK!

As I looked in horror on how ugly it was, BOTH wounds, she gave me the good news: I could be discharged if I wanted to. I had confirmed that I was no longer throwing up and though it still hurt to eat, it was much better than yesterday. Actually I was still throwing up and my wound still hurt (both which I gave white lies since I no longer wanted to stay in the hospital) but I was sure I could take care of myself by then.

I called Izati and told her the good new. Luckily it was still a holiday (Awal Muharram) so she wasn't working. She cancelled her morning walk (sorry hehe..) and got ready to fetch me while I tried packing up my things slowly. Yg kene tunduk sgt tu mmg kene mntk tolong Izati la when she got there.

At this time, I was suddenly feeling overwhelmed. It felt like too many things were happening at once and I hated the fact that I was helpless. I've always been independent so when I had to rely on other, it just felt so.. wrong, I guess. I couldn't talk about this to anyone except one friend who surprisingly was there throughout it all, even when I refused to talk to anyone..

I was still okay as Izati wheeled me out of the building to her car but once we got out of the hospital compound, I couldn't help the tears. Those tears surprised me as I thought I'd gotten it together after a short nap sebelum tu and I was ashamed that I couldn't even stop. Malu with my sister as I didn't like her seeing me like this so balik tu I went straight to lie down and (pretended) to fall asleep.

That was my first bad day, I guess as I had been holding up just fine sebelum tu..

..and after that it was a rollercoaster of feelings!

Boleh tak, I saw the word 'twisted' on tv and I was filled with this.. rage?

Then there were times I wanted to cry so much but I didn't want to do that in front of my family.

But there were also times when I felt ok.. or relieved even that they found my problem when they did. Who knows what would've happened if it was left to fester inside my body..

The few days after were, challenging, at least in my mind. I don't know what I would've done without the support of my family (Mama preparing my meals.. when its been so long since anyone has done that for me. Then Izati, bless her, who took seriously my pantang. She scoured Giant every evening trying to find the things I should eat and took notes from my friends on my dos and don'ts, even referring to them when she went to the pasar malam. She also bought me a packet of getah bodos since those were the only ones I could use on my hair.. Bak kata dia dulu, nasib baikkk dapat adik perempuan hehe..) and the support of the only friends I was willing to share with who were always there whether I wanted it or not (I wanted it, I know now.. So thanks to those who knew about it more than I was willing to admit.. Tuhan je boleh balas! Even simple words like 'I'll be here' were enough)

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