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Sunday, August 14, 2005

This is a story of a girl..

Once upon a time ago, there was girl named Ayu, who, though loved being with her friends and family, she also loved being alone with herself. Its not that she thinks the people around her aren't important, its just that she enjoys her own company too. This is the only time when she could really be her ownself, without any pretence or being guilty of hypocrisy. When she could really be silly or clumsy or stupid without the fear of anyone judging her.

She was never alone in these moments. She had her thoughts, her hopes and her fears to accompany her. She had her dreams, even childish ones BUT it helped to stabilized the person hiding deep within her so when she has had her time in her own world, she'd seem a normal, happy girl in the real outside world.

She had the normal problems everyone has. The feeling of wanting acceptance from everyone. The feeling of wanting to please people/family but somehow not really doing a good job of it. The feeling of wanting to be someone but without enough confidence to sail through. All those normal things everyone face (I think la, everyone faces..) and when those feelings of inadequecy start to overwhelm her, she goes and have her own alone time to 'recuperate' and after that, she'd feel fine!

Her alone time could mean anything. A couple of hours in a cinema full of people. A glorious time in a bookshop where she could spend her own sweet time browsing through books. Even a whole day curled up with a new book. If she wants some movement, she just shuts herself up in her room while trying to move all the furniture around until it suits her. In short, it was anything she could enjoy doing alone with her thoughts.

However, some things happened to her that somehow, shook the protective walls she'd built all around her. She thought that after completing her studies, she'd finally be able to make her own decisions but fate has his own way of showing you the truth. One of the two persons she loved most in her life wanted to really take control of her life, leaving her feeling so helpless while the other one kept making her feel so useless and unwanted. She just wanted a pillar of strength, not a sledghammer to crash it all down. After a few weeks of trying to be her ownself, she finally succumbed to them thus throwing aside her dream to utilize what she'd been slaving for for the last three years.

Then, another thing happened. The same person trying to control her life suddenly confessed on his other marriage and the same 'other person' changed completely overnight. Things were going outta hand. She always thought these things happened to other people, too naive to realize that trust is something hard to take care of. Somehow, the 'other person' managed to make her feel as if all this might be her fault, making her feel so muddled up that she was afraid to do anything, just in case she might overstep a line she couldn't see. Confused and distressed, she started to withdraw from her family. Its not that she doesn't love them but every effort she tries to make just seems to be wrong!

Things might not be so bad if she hadn't suddenly realize she had mixed feelings for a very good friend. Try as she might, she couldn't shake off the feeling and instead tried to run away from it without confronting it making her bestfriend confused AND annoyed. One thing led to another and the next thing she knew, their friendship had already taken a turn without her friend knowing the truth of what really happened. The only thing she could hold on too was taken away from her that she felt her world crashing down all at once.

After that, she was afraid of being alone. Whenever she was alone, her mind could only dwell on these things that suddenly appeared in her life. Even her alone time was affected where her dreams kept being influenced by what had happened. She really felt so lonely.

She could no longer trust anyone so readily. She couldn't stand the quietness of it all. She hated being by herself because once she was, she could only think of the heart break that was happening inside her. Her heart didn't only feel like it was breaking, but that it was shattered into a million pieces, way beyond repair. Tears were her friends now as she didn't dare to dream anymore. Even her books were ignored, when once upon a time ago, they were her solace that took her into whatever world she wanted to be in.

She started being neglectful of herself and of all things that had once mattered so much to her. Everyday, she just wanted the day to end though she wasn't looking forward to a new one. New days didn't bring hope to her anymore, instead it brought fear in her of what else might happen. She hated herself for feeling this way but she was too cowardly to change in case her dashed hopes might pull her even lower than she already felt. Never did it occur to her that it might be herself that was bringing her down.

Weeks.. then months.. and then a couple of years pass.

As they say, Time Heals! Though it wouldn't change history even a bit, but at least the pain has faded, though the scars remain. Most of what she had believed in has been altered and changed that sometimes, she doesn't recognize herself anymore. It may be for better, or it may be for worse but maybe, deep inside her, she welcomes this change. At least, it doesn't hurt as much as before.

Somehow, she misses her alone time now. She's been missing it for quite some time now and maybe, now, she thinks she's ready for it. Its been years since she indulged in this time with herself and only herself and its been a long time since she's acquaintted herself with the real her she had known once.

So today, she is taking a step she once loved to make. Yes, she's afraid. Afraid that she might wallow in self-pity once again, like she had done whenever she was alone in the past two years but she also knows, if she doesn't try now, when else would she try? She wants to love herself like she once did, and enjoy the company that knows her the best.. that is, herself!

Good luck gal.. I know you can do it!!!

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