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Wednesday, February 28, 2018

3rd Time The Charm, They Say.. They're Wrong

In my life, I've fallen in love for a grand total of 3 times..

First Love
As most know, was IM. I've talked about him so much in this blog that once upon a time ago, most people were always looking forward to my posts about him haha.. However, it was because of this that most people knew how heartbroken I was and I made a lot of people worry about me.. I'm sorry!

I didn't mean to do that. I just needed an outlet and since I seldom share these kind of things, even to close friends, this blog was my comfort. Of course since it's public, my readers then (sekarang semua dah tak rajin blogging pun kan) knew la about him and though I've never revealed who is actually is, most friends kt USM memang kenal la kot who he is.

He was my best friend then, though we only started as fellow reporters for the KMK newsletter. I didn't really like him at first. He only joined us in our second or third meeting and came chewing a wad of gum throughout the meeting. True, it was only us, the advisor wasn't present, but still la.. Add to the fact he had his earphones (ni zaman Walkman ye, puan²!) plugged on one side, lagi la made me nyampah. Another thing that used to annoy me was how he always made me feel as if I didn't know how to use the computer. Memang la masa tu not all households had a computer tapi I've been using the computer since I was 5 kotttttt.. Way earlier than him, I'm sure! Always had to stiffle the urge to roll my eyes whenever I wanted to type my article and he'd ask if I knew what to do (though awal tu mcm konpius la jugak. Back home we use Mac, kt situ pakai PC and I was a bit baffled by a few differences - but of course la, I didn't show it!)

As we ended our matriculation there, I joined this expedition to Belum and was surprised to see him there to. It was then that we started talking a bit more and a certain incident involving me mistakenly sending a personal email to the whole group of emails he had sent earlier cemented the friendship as it was the ONLY thing he could talk of for week *roll eyes* The fact that I was embarrassed made him more delighted.

When it turned out we were offered courses at the same campus, and being the first person I saw there on campus just made us closer. Though all through the orientation, I was careful to be on my best behaviour since he was surely to comment it on his next email to me.

One of my earliest memories was of him buying me a medium sized choc bar because he thought I was merajuk-ing with him. I was used to his teasing by then, actually, and didn't mind them at all. The real reason was that our communication was mostly through email and I was still a bit shy around him in person so when we went to the KM at the same time, I was avoiding him because I didn't want Yun teasing me. He thought it was something he had teased so he bought the choc bar and asked Lin to give it to me (which of course prompted Lin to ask me A LOT of questions later) but till this very day, Cadbury's Hazelnut bar (and any other choc with hazelnuts) always remind me of him.

Truth is, we were just friends then even if other friends who knew about us thought otherwise. I told him everything, even my crushes wpun I won't tell him who sbb he knew them haha.. A mistake I did during final year: told him I wanted to earn my status as an Al Mashoor student and wanted to start wearing socks that year. He, of course, encouraged me and was happy I wanted to improve myself UNTIL he saw me at the cafe with this guy. Oh my! I've forgotten about this. Might be worthy of another entry, for my-silly-youth purposes but later, maybe. I hadn't wanted anyone seeing me with this guy as it was really nothing, he just wanted to know me better and had been pestering to meet me for weeks. I finally relented, choosing a time I didn't think anyone would see me.. Big mistake haha..

Anyway, the aftermath was a leteran seropa mak nenek about meeting a guy alone right after I told him I wanted be more of a muslimah and hiding it from him (his rational: sbb tau buat salah la tu!) That was the first and last time I EVER did that anyway hehe..

But like I said, we were just friends no matter what people said. Din, a mutual friend, tried especially hard to make us admit something was going on, some of it hilarious, some of it just annoying. After we finished our studies, he'd sometimes call me and his first question would always be, "****** cemmane?" After IM got married, Din never called me again, I think.. Or penah kot skali rasenye, but it was awkward when he no longer greeted me with his usual opening..

It was only after we finished our studies that things started changing.. And I fell in love for the very first time in my life.. And got my heart broken too..

I tried telling myself that we were only friends, reminding myself every single day but during this time we grew closer. Maybe because most of our friends were no longer here so we felt more free to see each other. Maybe because his hostel was the same building as mine so it was easier to see each other, I don't really know. I became so conscious whenever I went out because sometimes he'd sms me and comment on what I was doing at that time as he spied from his room. He'd surprise me with ice creams, just because, and bought me some cough syrup once when he noticed me coming back earlier than usual and called to check on me.

I must've fallen in love with him during this time then..

I met his parents. He kinda tricked me into it, asking me to accompany him to get his PC back home. I expected a quick stop to just pick up the computer then heading back to campus so I only wore an old t-shirt and ratty jeans. I didn't expect his mother to have cooked and for us to join in. I must've hid in the toilet for too long that he had to check on me haha.. Both his parents were there, along with his gramma and two of his brothers. I suddenly lost the ability to act like a normal functioning person. Didn't help that he didn't even sit near me and was laughing at me throughout the meal. Memang nak kena tauuu!

He told me what his mother said about me and managed to make me blush despite being geram with him for leaving me alone the day before tu. He calles me his Ayu, as in Ayu **** (insert childhood nickname here which I won't reveal), to his mother and if anything, that made me feel even more.. happy.

Oh my! This brings back so many memories. At least I no longer feel like crying whenever I think of him but how I wish things were different. You know, maybe if I never had any feeling for him, we would be friends till now since right now, I really need my best friend.

Second Heartbreak
It was doomed from the start actually. Not that we were bad for each other (errr, I think). In fact, he's one of the best persons I've ever been privileged to know but we were too different. However, that didn't stop us from getting close. I put down the line earlier on by constantly reminding him I was older (I'd just recently had a very bad experience with someone younger that I never bothered to correct the misunderstanding other people had sbb masa tu sakit hati amat but I'm okay now with the said person)

He was sweet! Very² much. He's one of those people that you'd call 'menantu pilihan' because everyone liked him. And he's very shy too that I don't even remember how I got to know him except sbb we were both studying/working at the same place.

We seldom went out but whenever we did, he was the perfect gentleman. I have always preferred to be independent and all that new age stuff about feminism and such but he'd still insist in carrying my purchases and always shielding me whenever we walked pass groups of rowdy boys. I'd laugh at him but deep down inside, I was melting haha..

He'd cook for me and send it to my home then we'd spend hours talking outside. Sometimes if I sent food to him, his mum would ask us to come talk inside je sbb lama sgt dok sembang kt luar sampai termalu pun dah ye sbb sy yg perempuan so patut sy yg malu. Yes, I've met his family too. His mother is very bubbly but when I met his dad, I realized this is where he got his mild mannered, cool headed demeanor.

I know some people question our relationship especially after we'd been to a few kenduris together but I knew that nothing could (nothing should pun) come outta this so I never said anything. I still insisted on being called 'kak Ayu', though sometimes when he's in a mood, he'd switch to 'cik Ayu' and ignore it when I rolled my eyes at that.

He made me listen to Malay/Indonesian songs even when he knew I don't listen to them much. He tried to sell my car numerous times by displaying signs on my car, which I'd only discover at the end of the day when I want to go home. I tried to do it back to him, unsuccessfully, since he parks near his room. He even kidnapped me once when he had to go to the main campus to get an order of chemicals and didn't want to go there alone. There, he took me to his favorite stall for some koay teow t'ng (the chemical we came to pick up was still in the storage so we had to wait) and I made him taste this bandung jagung I've loved since I was a kid.

It ended abruptly. One day he was talking to me, the next day he wasn't. Everytime I asked why, he just kept quiet and after some time, I stopped asking. I was too hurt by then anyway..

A few months later, his friend pinged me on YM asking about me. Since I didn't have any problems with this guy, I just chatted with his as usual until he admitted, this guy was the one asking about me. I wanted to cry but I was also angry too. He was the one who ended it but then now he's asking about me. The friend asked me, don't I want to do anything about it because he said this guy was sad.

Can you see how confused I was? I don't really know what he wants. He was the one who didn't want to tell me anything and now this. I was in Dr Mae's room then so I didn't wanna create a scene even if I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. I just logged off and went home.
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Well, I wanted to finish this post today but it's almost time for me to go to class so I think I'll stop for now. Maybe I'll continue later. It's the third one that I really need to talk about now.. :(

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