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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

A lesson learnt


"Be careful of what you wish for!"

Yeah, I know, most of us have heard this quote once or twice or hundreds of times in our lives. I even have a book with this quote as the title. In a way, its a simple but direct-to-the-point sorta quote.. agreed?

Anyway, why am I suddenly being philosophical (hahah, thats a laugh!!)? Okay, that might be the wrong word here hehe.. But lets cut the crap from being simply relieving to being annoyingly stuck in your bowels (Wowww.. from kunun² philosophical to being sangat tak senonoh.. way to go, Ayu hahah!) *Duh! The pun IS intended!*

I learnt a lesson today. It was staring right in front of my face all the time, but a sudden feeling of being washed away by sorrow suddenly made me realize something.. thus..

"Be careful of what you wish for!"

Okay, I can see Sentot making an impatient face here. Sorry, guess I'm just putting off telling what I had intended to tell when I clicked on the 'create new post' tab. I can't seem to find the right words here.

Last Ramadhan (not that it only happened in Ramadhan, but because I remember clearly how tak khusyuk I was during tarawikh whenever I thought of this), I was half outta my mind. Its been on and on for years now and sometimes, I find myself trying to stop the tears from flowing especially when I'm in public. All sorts of things go through my head.. (as of everyone else.. hey! I'm not shallow enough to think that I'm the ONLY one with problems! Be it family problems, issues of the heart or nearly-hateful-thesis problems).

What I did last year during those wee hours in the morning was to pray for these certain burdens to just go away, from the face of the earth preferably, AND to let me enjoy the next Ramadhan peacefully and.. well, enjoy it la (Frankly, there's supposed to be something else after the 'next Ramadhan peacefully and..' up there but I couldn't bring myself to type it.. yet!). I wanted the next Ramadhan to be different.

Fast forward to a year later.

I've submitted my nearly-hateful thesis, my 'extended' family is doing okay (Yippee! Except for the 'bodoh sombong' being who thinks he/she is better than the rest of us haha.. Still, I hope one day you'd realize your mistake, dear! And stop rattling on lies of your family to whomever would listen <--Ayu being frustrated and a wee bit mad here!) and IM has vanished from the face of the earth (or as I keep convincing myself of haha..). My self confidence hasn't really soared but its doing ok nowadays and, though I once felt it was bad luck to do so, I wanted to shout to the world that I was happy. Indeed I enjoyed my Ramadhan a bit more (except during buka puasa where I eat alone instead of with my exhousemates!).

I would have been happier if I didn't have this little voice nagging at me at the back of my head. Don't ask! But it does have something to do with what I had wished for last year.

Yeah.. like I said, "Be careful of what you wish for!"

Like now, I suddenly realize WHY some things that you think are good for you, might not be the bed of roses you had once thought it would be. And if I view it from another angle, its just as hurtful (or even more) than last year.

God granted this wish for me. And I was happy for a while.. until I realized what kinda web I've tangled myself into.. all for wanting to enjoy my Ramadhan without the burdening thoughts I've been having for the past year. I should've prayed to be a better Muslim this Ramadhan, shouldn't I? :(

It got me thinking.. and it got me sad!

Why? Once again: Why?

I mean, God granted what you wished for, didn't He.. so why don't you feel content?

Answer: My wish wasn't a specific one maybe. He gave me what I thought I had wanted and had asked. And now I'm not better off than where I was last year.. well, maybe a bit better considering the other issues. Guess sometimes, what you want for yourself isn't exactly the best thing for you.

It saddens me.. but its a great eye opener for me. With the most important lesson of "Being thankful of what I already have and have faith that everything happens for a reason"

Still, this web I'm tangled in doesn't seem to wanna lossen up and free me just yet. Well, maybe its staying as reminder for me for the lesson I learnt this Ramadhan.

*Told ya I couldn't find the right words to voice it out.. I can't even understand what I've just written hehe..*

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