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Monday, March 21, 2011

I am sooo not looking forward to the 25th.. =(

♪ And just..
Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be
Let her be ♫

I'm blaming Yun on this for her 'confession-session' in the car otw back here from Pahang last week. Tetibe je she asked Bani about how he met his wife, then dan² sumer org pun kene citer something ala² gitu.. Knowing I don't have anything to tell pun, I thought I'd be off the hook, sekali, kene jugakkkk.. cissss!

Well, ok! Its actually been bugging me since I noticed the date so tak leh la salahkan Yun 100% kan.. I know its silly, but I can't help dreading it.. and its my damn birthday la pulak!

You see, this Wednesday and Thursday (23rd and 24th respectively) we'll be having our 2nd Civil Engineering Colloquium. Quite overdue since our first one was around 5 years ago.

5 years ago, we also had it on Wednesday and Thursday (24th and 25th if I'm not mistaken.. but in May). It was a blast for all of us though we didn't have enough sleep prior to the event itself but we were happy working together, doing something for AcePRO and all other postgrad students.

I remember the night before when all of us gathered in the post grad room arranging all the files and wrapping all gifts that were to be given to presenters and smoothing out all things that come entangled in the last minute. There was abg Fadzil, Choong, Remy, Fared, Pojie, Lie, Rashwan, Dgon, Ramlah, Rinnie, Ramadhan.. and thats just naming a few (well, we weren't that much then but we did our job anyway ☺)

All in all, we really enjoyed ourself though I really felt like fainting right before my presentation hahah.. my nerves were so bad. But still, we had a really good time..

..and the good time continued till the next day when we were still talking of our successful 1st big event.

Then around 10am, Erwan cam to me telling me about the invitation card he received from his ex-girlfriend. He wasn't sure if he should go or something and since I was still in the 'high', I teased him mercilessly and terlupe balasan Tuhan bleh bg bile² je..

3 hours later, during the solat Jumaat, I was found crying in the post grad room, trying to be as quite as possible (I'm not the wailing type.. at least THAT, I know!) but still noticed by all.

I thought my heart had been done broken but it turned out, no matter how small the pieces of my heart had become when it had last been broken, it could still be shattered into a million more pieces.. all by the same person who could still bring a tear now and then years later.

But this time I knew I had to let go for good, maybe that was why I just couldn't stop myself from crying. I didn't even manage to run and hide at home as I received the news at school and could only hide at school before trying (but failing miserably) to go back home.

I guess the whole postgrad room must've seen how much I wore my heart on my sleeve that day. My broken heart was exposed to everyone to see no matter how much I tried to hide it. It was one of the worst days in my life.. well, at least in the 'heart-matters' department but sometimes, I could still feel the pain I felt then.

A few days later, I went to Ramlahs cube and noticed a song she was playing as well as some copied lyrics. When I asked her what it was, she quickly hid the file with her hand but after perstering her, she told me that she was talking to Pojie when I was crying and song was what had come to their mind then. I wanted to cry again then but I pretended to laugh, just because I didn't want them to know how much I was hurting..

Let Her Cry ~ Hootie and the Blowfish

She sits alone by a lamppost
Trying to find a thought that's escaped her mind
She says Dad's the one I love the most
But Stipe's not far behind

She never lets me in
Only tell me where's she's been
When she's had too much to drink.
I say that I don't care
I just run my hands through her dark hair
Then I pray to God you gotta help me fly away

And just..
Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be
Let her be

This morning I woke up alone
Found a note standing by the phone
Saying 'Baby, maybe I'll be back some day'
I wanted to look for you
You walked in I didn't know just what I should do
So I sat back down and had a beer
And felt sorry for myself.


Last nite I tried to leave
She cried so much I just could not believe
She was the same girl
I fell in love with long ago
She went in the back to get high
I sat down on my couch and cried yelling
Oh mama please help me
Won't you hold my hand.


Oh God, now I feel like crying again.. ='(

I dunno why but I always feel like history just loves to repeat itself. And the reason I'm dreading my birthday is because its the day after the colloquium AND its on a Friday AND I'm quite enjoying the last minute preparations, JUST LIKE 5 YEARS AGO.. I don't really want to get anymore bad news, no matter what the nature and I don't wanna wear my heart on my sleeve just like I did on that day 5 years ago..

..and I wanna enjoy my birthday!

But somehow, I have been having this bad feeling eversince I noticed the coincidences ='(

So what I've done is: Avoid all things that might be cause of hurt to me and trying not to enjoy things too much!

Stupid huh?

I'm soooooooooooo pathetic! ='(


blackmountain said...

crying for you too..i know/knew(?) the feeling well..

Drama Mama said...

nothing's bad gonna happen insyaAllah...perhaps you'd find ur much awaited happiness on that day, who knows :-) will always pray for your happiness!

Ayu Ikhwani said...

kak Anis: ='(

Bai: Amiiinnn.. tho I'm hating you for saying this, just in case I find myself crossing my fingers nnt =p

cik R said...

K.ayu, time run so fast, just noticed it after read ur blog rupanya dah 5 tahun berlalu yer. right now, try google tht song, nk dgr semula. Oklah, happy2 selalu!

j1da said...

next time, ayu, plan ur bday with me lah. a change of environment would certainly do u good :D

Dr.Affi said...


Please don't be sad dear, it just wasn't meant to be dear only b/c Allah knows best. I know it hurts, and the pain is real, but we are here for you, and chin up! you never know when ur mr.right will turn up :)


Ayu Ikhwani said...

Ramlah: Oppss.. malu la plak Ramlah pi bace entry nih hahah.. hmmm, kaaaannn! Teringt time kite² sumer duk bilik ni dulu. rindu lah time² tu.. skrg ni sumer org yg tak bes

Jida: Hahah.. kang sat gi kacau plaaaakkk engineer bz niii =) Tp kan, bile la sy nak pi umah awak kan =p

Ina: Amiiiinnnn.. thanx for the kind words tho my entry kali ni sgt la whiny bunyi nye hahah..