When He made me smile

The past few months have been a bit 'disturbing' for me. Not in a 'messing with my life' kinda way, more like a 'messing with my head' thingey.

It's hard sometimes trying to do the right thing and be the right kind of person when your heart wants to wander off to a no man's land. At first I just shrugged it off, convincing myself the feelings were temporary with no basis whatsoever. But somehow, its getting harder and harder to reprimand myself nowadays.

I guess I just have to admit, age is catching up with me and try as might, sometimes I'm scared to think about the future, of being alone specifically. I know, I know.. semua dah tersurat dalam luh mahfuz.. but I'm just a human being with faults.

Like last night, I was suddenly overcome with this sadness and self-pity. I was wallowing in this kinda feeling till I fell asleep. Then this morning, after Subuh, I did my usual Quran recital and one ayat I was reading caught my eyes (and heart, I must say, as I kept thinking about it even after I've turned the page) 

Now I must admit, I may have taken Arabic Language for 5 years (B. Arab Tinggi for 2 of those years plak tu) but I'm not really fluent in the language nor can I make simple conversations *ok, malu!* so I didn't really understand what I had read. But somehow, that ayat kept coming back to me so after finishing, I went online to Google the meaning. This below is the ayat I was talking about. From surah An Najm verse 45

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَٰنِ الرَّحِيمِ

وَأَنَّهُ خَلَقَ الزَّوْجَيْنِ الذَّكَرَ وَالْأُنْثَىٰ

This one is the tafsir of it: 

And that He creates the two mates - the male and female -

I almost laughed out loud (actually, I think I did!). It was if He was assuring me not to worry.. made me smile too! :)

And suddenly things don't seem so bleak after all. Leave everything to Him as He knows best =) And I'm gals that that's the thought I'm starting my day with today!

P/S It just occurred to me: The last birthday card I ever got from IM, my 23rd, he had written the tafsir of this ayat right at the top of his card to me, no explanation, with a birthday wish below it. Two months after that, we stopped talking.. I don't think I'll ever understand WHY he put this in my card..