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Wednesday, June 29, 2016

..and they grew up! :'(

I'd deactivated my FB for some time now and only reactivated it to help a friend who's much in need. However, something else happened just now..

One of my exstudents messaged me..

He wanted to share with me the news that he'd been offered to continue his studies.. and only Allah knows how proud I am of him right now!

But then he asked to see me. When I asked him why (I'm still avoiding people), he said he wanted to thank me in person for being his teacher 'sejak saya kecik'. I was stunned.. and I burst into tears.

I'd always been one who loved sharing with my students and I was especially proud in sharing with them stories of my students years so I shouldn't really be surprised when a few years ago, this student told me, he's taking civil engineering too.. in USM jugak! I was flattered that he'd choose my course and especially when he told me, he's gonna be my super duper Saiyan junior and I wished him all the best..

However, during that time was one of the worst events of my life. I know, I got what I wanted (or what I didn't want, depending on how you see it) and though I was happy and relieved, a big part of me can't help but feel ashamed of myself.. so I shut myself off from people, my students included.. Even this one, when I had promised to always be there for him whenever he needed help. He was proud to tell people I was his teacher but I was ashamed about it.. not about him, I was proud of him even then. I was just ashamed of myself..

He always tried to keep in touch. Whenever he was frustrated with his studies or anything, he'd come to find me. As long as it was through the phone or FB messaging, I was ok. Whenever he asked to see me, I'd decline. I dunno.. I guess I didn't want him to see me this way and only wanted him to remember me as the person who had tried to inspire him all those years ago. Not only him, I also did this to all my other students who kept in touch with me. I just couldn't face them..

I'd known about his offer as he had shared it before (I noticed it from my other FB acc which only a select few know about). I'm sure I had liked the post or commented but he still wanted to tell me in person and instantly messaged me when he noticed me back on FB with my primary acc.

All these years, I can't help but feel like I've let them down, just like I've let everybody else in my life down, but here he was, wanting to tell me if it wasn't for me, he won't be doing this.. and now I'm tearing up again..

I don't deserve this recognition. He did it all by himself, and the people who helped him through his undergraduate studies were all people who I know.. I don't have a hand in his success here, AT ALL! I hid away from them, I avoided them.. and yet..

The only thing I know now is I'm so proud of him. I told him that but I don't think he can imagine how my heart swells at the thought of him succeeding in his studies when there were times he lost his confidence and all. I can still imagine the scrawny kid he was back then in my Form 2 class and I marvel now at how much he has grown.. And I really wish he'll succeed in everything he does..

Ok, dah tak leh nampak screen.. :'(

3 comments:

gempaksher said...

lama jugak tak update blog ni kan.. Hihi

Ayu Ikhwani said...

Tu laaaaa =D Sampai dah ala2 lupa ade blog ni :p

irdina sopian said...

alaa..jgnlaa nangis tecer :(