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Monday, June 20, 2005

My 'dirty laundry' is out in the open

No.. no, I'm not saying I'm dumb enough to display my dirty laundry to all.. c'mon la people, logic skit!

Lets put it this way.. A few days ago (more like a few weeks ago), reading Baizurah's a.k.a Sentot's blog, I told her I wanted to do a counter-entry for one of her entries. Though I already knew what to say, at that time la, I didn't rush into it as I wanted to get more ideas.

Basically, she was talking about her 'army' of Barbies! Like most girls, having at least one Barbie was one of life's essentials (though I survived a childhood without one). However, the playful stories about Barbies moved on to seroius notes about our dreams and here, I totally agree with her!

You see, I guess all of us girls, when we were small, dreamed of being a princess. To us, princesses were the highest form of would-be personalities all of us wanted to be. Well, you can't really blame us, what with all fairy tales describing the princesses as being the most beautiful, kind, well liked and bla.. bla.. bla.. the list goes on! Once you've gained the princess status, life wouldn't be complete without your very own prince charming whom, in our dreams, are the most handsome, strongest and.. well, charming hehe..

Then, when we entered kindergarten life, we realized, we can't be princesses.. but that's ok! We could still be like Barbie, the most famous girl/careerwoman/housewife/bla² in the whole world. Who doesn't know her..? Even little boys know her and her boyfriend Ken. Thats how we build our fantasies, all around the imaginary world we all have lived in once upon a time ago. It was always, " When I grow up, I'm gonna be.."

But then, sadly, we DO grow up..

Thats when reality hits us!

All the things we dreamt of in our childhood don't seem that easy to attain anymore. In fact, some things just get so confusing that we wish we didn't have to face all this growing up. Gosh! And to think that once, we wanted to grow up and became 'one of the adults' so we could do anything we wanted but now, suddenly we wonder, "Why did I grow up so quickly? I want my childhood back!"

The truth is, I ask myself this question nearly everyday!

Then, a few days ago, I read this book entitled "Do you think I'm beautiful?" Not really someone who'd read these kind of books, this book caught my attention by the synopsis at the back which asked something like this..

"Little girls know about Cinderella-about her breathtaking beauty, about Prince Charming, about a magical destiny called 'happily ever after'. And inside every woman is a girl who secretly aches for a fairy godmather to wave a wand and transform her into the princess she has always longed to be. To make her beautiful. Captivating. Adored"

Reading this, I suddenly remembered Baizurah's entry and what the heck! Just bought the book for the fun of seeing this writer's point of view.

The first few pages asked about if you had ever dreamed of being Cinderella! Duh! Dumb question.. I mean, who hasn't? Everyone dreams of being her (the girls je la..) and I'm sure to those who loved to fantasies when smaller, she's been Cinderella more than twice! Then suddenly, the author asked another question that caught me off guard.

She asked the readers to look deep down inside, and answer the question sincerely. Your heart might had dreamt of being Cinderella and all, complete with our very own prince charming and our happy ending.. but what about your head? Sadly, the author's answer to this question made me realize, I never really hoped to be Cinderella anyway.

Picture this, you're in the ballroom, and prince charming is right acroos the room from you. You had spent so much time agonizing over what to wear, what to say, over if your smile is sweet enough and if your behavior and manners are as good as you always wanted them to be.. in fact, to your ownself, you feel you've done your best, but behold! In comes Cinderella, dashing all your hopes of even being in the limelight for just a second. Then, you just slide back into the crowd, into all the unknown faces because you know, you're not really good enough anyway. You realize, though you pored over all the small details, you will never be good enough for anything. All those preparation were really done, because that's what was expected of you not because you thought you could be considered SPECIAL.. maybe fairly good, but not SPECIAL!

For a while, I was dumbstruck.. Then I realized, gosh! That's me! That's the real me. One of those faceless people who never really made it, but always stays in the background, just in case!

I did a double take, but I'm sure this author doesn't really know me, to describe someone SO like me. I mean, this could be someone close to me, how could she know all those details?

You know, I've spent all my life trying to get approval from eveybody.. from Abah, Mama, my siblings, my teachers, my friends, my housemates, colleagues and even my young chargers at the tuition centre (could you believe that??)

In a way, all these people are my prince charming, especially two people whom I love most! I spend my life, trying so much to please them but I don't think it has ever been enough, somehow its always someone else, whom in my mind, doesn't even have to try hard enough. And as desperation turns to frustration after frustration, I guess I finally admitted defeat and just go on doing things that are expected of me, without question.

I guess, all this has lead to my very low self esteem.. yes, I'm admitting it!

I mean, I'm NOTHING! Deep down inside, I know, I don't mean a thing to these people whom I love. I can't even set a good example to my siblings, no wonder they're scattered all across Malaysia.. but how I SO wanted to be their pillar of strength, especially in time like these.. only God knows how bad I feel about myself now!

You might ask, what has this gotto do with the princess story above? Well, once upon a time ago, I guess, I wanted to be SOMEONE! I thought that, once I grow up, I'll be someone, especially to these two people. To me, growing up means, getting outta this low-confidence coccoon I've been in for as long as I can remember.. growing up was, to me, magical!

But little by little, I learnt that those things just don't happen. I still have my low opinion of myself, just like I had years ago.. except now, I'm getting good at hiding it from other people!

I've also learnt a bit, on how to hide the real me from other people. The truth is, I'm afraid people won't like the real me. As if the real me is just not good enough. I mean, just look at me.. in the looks department, I sit on the middle shelf. My personality isn't what you'd call attractive. Even my brain is average (though ONE person I love said, lower than average! :( Or maybe both of them think the same way, for all I know..)

I have trouble trusting people, afraid to be used as the butt of jokes or to have my mind played with. Its really frustrating, when I wish I trusted people even more (Ok, Azren, kak Yong admit yang maybe you're the one who made me realize how hard it was for me to trust people) I mean, especially after the two MAJOR things (that only SOME people know) that have happened in my life, it makes me see that sometimes the people we trust are the ones who cheat the most..

God.. I really hate myself!

And here I am.. so there guys, I've put out some of my dirty laundry out here! Hope I'm not judged by all this.. its just that, I don't know how to end this entry so I'd better stop now, though abruptly!

Enough said!

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