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Saturday, May 13, 2006

Buruk la org tue nangis..

Last year, I wrote about saying goodbye to Lily, Alem, Mozac and the gang. This time, I'm saying goodbye to another one of their gang, Juty.

I just got back from sending Juty to the bus stop. He has finally completed his studies here and is heading back home for good.. and I miss him already :'(

Can't believe I just met them 3 years ago, when I was AFRAID of them haha.. Now, Juty is going back home while the rest of them are either working or furthering their studies elsewhere (except Pojie la, who thankfully is still around, choosing to pursue his masters here!). Just sitting at the bus stop just now reminded me of all of us buat keje gila, amik gambaq kat bus stop Parit Buntaq haha..

Suddenly, I miss all of them :'(

When bidding goodbye to him, Juty, who must've taken the cue from Alem, came to tease me that I should be crying when saying goodbye to him. It didn't help that Salimin made a mock announcement about 'its time to say goodbye'! Guess my infamous crybabyness is well known to them. So, as usual, THOSE statements led me to feeling so sad, I had to shoo Juty to his bus so that if I DID cry, he won't see it.. Felt a bit smug too when I realized I didn't really feel a GREAT need to cry (sikit² je) and told myself that I'm immune to goodbyes already.

When I went home, I was ironing my shirt when I got a message from Juty, asking me to send his regards to Yun and telling me that we'd meet again one day. I wanted to tease him back so I sent a crying icon to him. However, when he replied, reprimanding me not to cry sebab buruk nanti , I just couldn't help it. Guess I'm not so immune after all..

When I told Pojie, who unfortunately wasn't here, about it, he consoled me telling me it just meant that I cared about them. However, I guess it didn't have the effect intended by Pojie. Instead of feeling better (well, maybe better sikit la kottt!), it just made me remember something Alem once (more like at least trice; 1. in my Friendster, 2. in an sms, 3. during his konvo) said to me..

mmmm kak ayu sedih ke nie? huhuh sedey x? tu la rmi sgt adik...ms tgh rmi best laa, ni dh 'ilang' sume2 kn dh lg sedih :P Lain kali jangan baik2 sgt ngan org, nn bile dah takde, mesti rindu nanti!

The problem with me is, though I find it hard to really put my trust in people, I get attached a bit too easily. Quite contradicting, don't you think? It doesn't help that IM, whom I trusted the most before, was the one who, in a way, hurt me the most too! Just like Abah, who also betrayed our trust a few years ago.. You understand now why I find it hard to trust people?

But its the 'getting attached' part that makes me hate goodbyes! Its that part too that makes me wanna cry evertime I know the time has come to bid farewell.

For a while, after calming down, the thought that came into my head was that the only solution to this is to stop myself from getting too attached to the people I care for right now. I mean, like the Kelly Clarkson song, "My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with". She's right, if you don't let yourself care for something, losing it won't hurt you..

But then again, I'll lose so much more if I do that.. won't I? I'll lose feeling how it feels to be happy to see someone. I'll lose the feeling of enjoying other peoples company. I'll lose the warm feeling I feel whenever I know I care enough for somebody (or a lot of somebody hehe..), that I might even trust them! There's so much more I'll lose if I hold back but most of all, I'll lose the joy that comes with every oppurtunity of a great friendship that comes my way..

This is one crossroad of my life, where my head knows what is right, but my heart just wants to save me from the pain I MIGHT feel.. Yes, even wants to shield me from the pain of goodbyes!

*tatau nak tulis ape dah..

What do you think?

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