Google+ Followers

Monday, May 29, 2006

For the 'bestest' cousin ever!

Current entries in my blog could explain the state of my mind nowadays. I'm like this time-bomb, but there's no telling when I'd go off. If I could plot a graph of my emotions these past few days, I'd get this crazy graph I could never explain. I wish I could say there's anger involved, but for the time being, I can't find it. And somehow, I think it would be more therapeutic if I was angry (hahah.. alasan nak ngamuk lah tu..).

However, through it all, once again I'm reminded of the value of a special friend. Yup, I wrote about him once here, and I'm gonna write about him again. He's the one I've always called my best cousin ever.

When everyone was telling me to stop crying and just forget it (macam la bleh lupe with the snap of my fingers je..), he was the only one who called me, and asked me to cry it all off. I remember not knowing who to talk to about 'the news' and I smsed a few friends who 'knew'. All of them were like, "There's no use crying!", I mean, I KNOW that la, for God's sake.

But what did he do? Right after Jumaat prayers, he called me, knowing how I had felt all these years, and just asked me to cry. It was so relieving to finally hear someone tell me that it's ok to cry. And just like he had done before, he just listened to the big cry baby me, sobbing uncontrollably and so unashamedly (though I DO feel ashamed NOW!) venting out all those bottled up frustrations I've harboured for years.

A couple of hours later, he checked on me, only to find out I was still 'sinking' so he gave his trademark telling-me-off-without-being-obvious. So, out of shame to myself and to him, I finally stopped.. for a while la. I asked Fared to replace me for my class that afternoon and went back home to finally sleep it off.

I woke up with swollen eyes and quickly went to bathe, just in case Elie, my housemate, noticed anything. Then I headed off to school.. but once at school, everything came back to me in a rush that before long, I was back in despair. But it helped a bit when Quazzi and Sabir separately came to talk with me. Until then, I didn't realize I'd been creating quite a stir in that room..

That night, Toroque suprised me when he told me he was dropping by (otw to go back to Penang). I didn't really want to interrupt his journey but I was thankful that he wanted to come by. We went for drinks at a nearby 'warung' and exchanged stories (him telling me about his kids and kak Azu, while me trying-my-best-not-to-talk-about-IM-but-failing-miserably with my masters tale). I was suprised that I could control my tears out there as at first I was afraid that I won't be able to. It was a relief to be able to talk to someone about this and I was glad that he stopped by.

When I went back to school, I also talked with Syafiq and thankfully, he also told me, "Kak Yong, nangis la puas².. jangan tahan²!" Tq Syafiq!

The next morning (suprisingly, it wasn't a sleepless night for me), I woke up to messages from well meaning friends and a missed call from Toroque. God, I felt guilty for making him worried when he was busy with his own family, but that's just him.. what I call 'my shoulder to cry on'! And dia sangat nasib tak baik coz he got a cousin like me haha..

Throughout the weekend, he checked on me, knowing how crybaby-prone I am. Even yesterday when I went for my movie marathon with Pojie, Manje and Fawed, he smsed and kept checking. Even tried to cheer me up with McD (and though everyone knows McD is my staple food, I don't remember telling my 'cousins' about it!). Still, some of those messages that hit the spot just made me wanna cry more, especially when he reminded me that they care for me (Yeah, I WAS feeling as if no one cared!).. made me ashamed to think that I was annoyed with the people who told me to 'forget it!'. But, I almost laughed out loud when he told me to go do my usual 'book therapy' at the nearby Popular.

Then, this morning, just as I was feeling nostalgic and teary, he called again. But this time, he wanted to ask me to do a favour for him. Me, wanting to do ANYTHING just to take my mind off 'things' asked him what the favour was, as I told him, I'd do it if I could manage (heck, THEY always help me, so whats a little help from me now and then?).

Turned out, he just wanted me to smile -->Well, THAT brought down the tears that were already starting to fall anyway, but through it, I found myself laughing!

Felt a bit better by then..

I know, maybe I'm not fair to those who told me to just forget it but sometimes, not only laughter but crying is also the best medicine. What I need right now is just for them to understand I need to cry (but if melarat sampai berminggu², sile lah knock some sense in me, sangat dialu-alukan!) and maybe, I'll need someone I can talk to. Please don't tell me to forget, because you also know, if you're in my place, you won't forget too, right?

Or am I the only oxymoron in this world who holds on to what had meant so much to me?

And for my best cousin, whom I never know if he reads this anyway: Like I said yesterday, thank you for always letting me be myself whenever I need to. You're the best! Some people run away at the sight of my tears (I must look horrible eh, rase cam terdengar² je diorang cakap,"Run for your lives!!!!"). Some DO try to be of some help, but from a safe distance (that sometimes makes me feel as if I'm bringing a plague or something! But still, I appreaciate them too.. kang ingat tak bersyukur plak hehe.. no lah, I'm still thankful for them!). But you are one of the few who knows I want a shoulder to cry on. TQ.

I hope I'll be a good friend to you too!

No comments: