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Saturday, May 27, 2006


This whole day has been filled with my mind making return trips back and forth to my past and to the present..

I feel as if yesterday never really happened. As if I had only dreamt of it all happening and that I'll wake up sometime and realize that it was all just a bad dream. But when I finally dragged myself outta bed this morning, and noticed a few sms asking about me and a missed call from Toroque who (bless him!) must still feel a bit worried about my 'sorry' state right now, I know it really happened..

Added to the fact that I have 'proof' right in my drawer right now, I can't really keep staying in the state of denial, right?

But I can't help going back to 8 years ago, when I first met my 'bestfriend'. On that day, if anyone told me we'd be bestfriends, I'd laugh out loud coz I didn't quite like this person at first.. seemed a bit snobbish and had this air around him that I despised.. but as they say, don't judge a book by its cover.

Still, maybe I judged to quickly, seeing how we are now. We haven't even exchanged ONE single word for nearly 3 years.. and to think that we were once always there for each other.

I remember a conversation we had once. I was crying after trying to get outta continuing my studies to pursuing a masters degree. I was pleading with Abah to let me work with the company I did my practical training (just got the offer then.. and it was with very good pay, may I add), while he kept threatening me with the 'anak derhaka' phrase. Feeling so upset, I went to the study room and switched on the computer, knowing my bestfriend would be online as he had gone home too..

Saya tak nak sambung masters.. rase macam nak lari je dari USM ni!

Awak nak lari ke mane? Mane awak larat nak lari jauh² hehe..

Buat lawak pulak.. biar la, saya nak lari.. mane² pun takpe, asalkan jauh dari USM.. jauh dari sumer orang..

Betul ke awak nak lari ni?

Ye la, awak pun same je ngan sumer orang lain.. gelak la kat saya, bile saya lari nanti, baru awak tau..

Kalau camtu, saya izinkan la awak lari..


Tapi dengan syarat.. awak kene tunggu saya balik sana dulu.. lepas tu kite lari same².. saya tak nak awak lari sorang², nanti, sape nak jaga awak..? Kalau saye ade, at least ade orang boleh jaga awak.. Janji ngan saya, kalau awak nak lari, awak tunggu saya, ok!

God.. that hurts! And this was when I didn't even have a hint of feelings towards him. When we were still bestfriends.. now, awak dah tak kisah kan kalau saya lari ke mane pun?

Know what, at this exact time, I wish I had never met you! Or even if I had, I wish I still didn't like you as I did earlier.. or if I did, I wish I didn't grow closer to you with each passing day.. and even if I did get close to you, I wish I didn't care for you too much, that its eating me up inside..

But what I wish for the most is, I wish I understood why all this happened :'(

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