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Friday, December 08, 2006

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair..

I had been thinking of shaving my head!

Hahah.. Ayu botak?

Most people would say that cutting your hair isn't a big deal. They're right.. I mean, its just hair! but for me, it IS a big deal. And the people closest to me could vouch for it.

Why do I say this?

Abah loves long hair, so I was prevented from cutting my hair since I was small. Even if I wanted to, I'd have to ask for permission and it'll mean 2-3 months of asking before he'd even agree. And even then, it was strictly to a certain length only. To date, I've only cut my hair an average of once in more than two years, so putting aside the time I was bald until I was 2 years old, that'll bring me to only cutting my hair around 10 times in my entire life.

I had always followed these 'rules', silly as it may sound. Especially after an incident if form 3 where I had cut my hair after asking for permission, but it was shorter than Abah allowed. He came home and called me an Anak Derhaka and didn't talk to me for a month! God, was I afraid. I vowed NEVER to do it again!

For this, I've grown used to having long hair. Even when I cut it, I always hope it'll grow back again quickly as I've grown to be uncomfortable with short hair.

However, a turn of events happened when I found out that Abah had gotten married again in 2002. I was frustrated and mad at him for lying to us. Then one day, I found myself marching right up to the hairdresser and asking for a hair cut, though the whole while, I was feeling guilty, knowing Abah won't like it but I was mad and I wanted to do something. It shocked Yun, my friend who knew the rules haha.. but I was left with this surprisingly satisfied feeling! When Abah saw my short hair, for once, he couldn't say anything as he knew, he was in hot soup anyway!

From then on, I thought of cutting my hair as a stress reliever haha..

For example, the next time I cut my tresses was in 2004. I even remember the date, 31st May 2004. Truth is, the day before, I had went to IM's house. Kak Ana had a kenduri then but I promised my friend Dayah to go to hers in Perlis. Besides, I knew IMs parents would be at kak Ana's and in a way, I wanted to avoid them so I went to Perlis.

However, on the way home, mak cik and pak cik called and insisted I go to their house as they had already come back from kak Ana's house. I wanted to decline until pak cik told me he'd be waiting even if I don't go. Feeling guilty for trying to avoid them when they've been so kind, I just went there while trying to maintain a cheery outlook.

God, it hurt to go back to his house. It hurt to hear his parents try to talk about him, while I tried my best to change the topic. It hurt to meet his grandmother again. It hurt to see his room and to see pictures of him around the house. I found myself staring at them, wondering about him. But mostly it hurt because I was going there without him, this time.

Throughout the journey home, I was glad I had As with me and I told her everything. I wanted to cry, but I just couldn't and that night I tossed and turned with all sorts of questions going through my mind.

Then the next day, while brushing my already long hair (my hair grows quite fast really), I just grabbed my veil and hopped on my bike then went to the nearest hairdresser and cut my hair off. I was asked the usual, "Tak sayang ke?" but I just shook my head.. It'll grow again anyway!

And as before, I was filled with this odd sense of satisfaction when the hairdresser finished my cut. Like something I heard recently on the tv when someone asked this person why she cut her long hair. She said, it felt like she was taking so much 'luggage' and that this was one way to lighten it.. I guess, that was what I felt!

Then, as I've been rambling, I've been quite 'disturbed' these past few weeks with a mixture of issues in my head. I've hated myself, I've cried buckets, I've loathed everything and all especially in these past few days.

However, yesterday morning, as if having this deja vu, as I brushed my hair, I thought, "What the heck, better chop it all off!" Seriously, I was thinknig of shaving it all off!

However, rationality came over me but I still wanted to chop these which I hope represented the 'luggage' I was carrying and off I went to cut it. Now I'm sporting a bob just above my shoulders and the cut off hair which I asked for is still in my car, waiting to be buried somewhere. Yeah, most of my friends are surprised, not to mention the girl who cut my hair who kept asking if I was sure I wanted to cut it off.. but I kind'a like it! Makes me look like I'm sixteen though..

However, I'm still waiting for the sense of satisfaction I felt the past two times.. :(

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