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Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Focus Ayu.. focus!!!


God!!! I just dunno whats happening to me right now..

I guess Toroque was right. I had a very long conversation with him about my life currently. About things that've been bothering me and about what's been on my mind since the last time we talked.. thank God for cousins, eyh!

I also told him about my upcoming viva and my fear of it.. or so I thought. Until he told me the obvious, I'm NOT really focusing on my viva!

I tried to prove that I was until he pointed out about the things we just talked about and I just couldn't defend myself anymore. I can't believe I've got all my priorities mixed up. I mean, upon hearing my viva, I should me more worried of the viva itself than being sad about something totally different, shouldn't I? But thats what I'm doing right now.

I find myself wandering into my own mind about this thing and it makes me sad and upset.. and makes me mad at myself for letting this happen to me again. Like a few days ago, I was chatting with Helmi and suddenly I blurted out to him a small hint of this. It surprised me a bit so I just didn't explain any further when he asked me about it. I don't really wanna think about it yet, but everytime I sit in front of my pc, trying to come up with the slides for my viva, my mind keeps going back to this thingey that keeps upsetting me.. thus, I still haven't completed my slides yet (hopefully today.. I've gotta meet Dr Wan at 2.30 today!)

Its hard, I guess, when your dreamy heart wants something, yet your more rational head knows that its not right. Then you get torn between these two essential parts of your life that you wish your life had come with a manual on how handle this..

Like Toroque said, I'm not really focusing on whats truly important right now. My priorities are in a mess yet I can't help it. Though, there are sometimes I think that I truly feel that maybe, this IS my priority.

However, I know I have to help myself, as there's no one else out there who could do it better than my ownself. I felt a bit guilty when my friends say that they hate seeing me sad, that they've always known me as a sad person (when most people I know say I'm cheery haha..) and that they think its time for me to be happy (Thanks Toroque!). I also feel sad when they tell me how highly they think of me (Thanks Ami pulak!) when I don't see anything worth! But at least I've got my friends.. :)

Just pray for me eh, guys! Hope I find my way outta this (note to my cousin: And if it includes running away, I'd still do it.. cowardly as it seems!)

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