Dlm ke'kacauan jiwa', masih sempat mencari tempat gelak dan ketawa =)

I've not been feeling that good since the past few weeks. My health pun not very good (style demam tak demam yg sgt la menyakitkan hati, baik la demam teruk sekali gus rather than demam skit² for 2 weeks) and my mental health pun agak tunggang langgang due to some things I'd rather keep to myself..

Anyway, I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and all that but then I realized, this week hasn't been all blues and greys. In fact, I've found time to actually be amused and laugh a bit here and then.

Hmm.. lets see!
Monday: Had my form 1 class in Pt Buntar (my one and only form 1 class.. klau tak, beratur je kelas form 1 sy.. syukur la sgt sikit je tahun ni hehe..) I was laughing along with my class when outta the blue, one of my students declared "Besar nnt sy nak ngorat cikgu tau!"

What embarassed me the most was that, instead of laughing it off, I found myself blushing furiously to the delight of my students who started teasing me endlessly hahah.. adoi laaa Ayu!
Tuesday: Went to Honey to buy some chocolate moulds for my cousins wedding. The moulds cost only about RM2.80~RM3.50 each and I bought TWO.. only TWO! Know what I was charged?

RM 70 000++

..and I couldn't help myself from laughing out loud at the cashiers look on her face when she looked at the receipt!

Wednesday: I met two of my exstudents in Watsons and when they got home, they started reenacting the act of me singing in my car! Aiyakkk.. kantoi la plak ngan diorg but I couldn't help laughing at them as they teased me senselessly.. aishhh, miss those guys!

Thursday: Went about doing the chocolates for Intan's reception and was thoroughly amused when I looked at the outcome.. yup! My chocolates turned out to be kinda upside-down-inside-out when it came to the letterings.. faulty moulds (The ones that cost me RM70 000++ tuuuuu..) Hahaha..

Friday: Well, today I'm gonna be busy with cupcakes and cookies for Intan.. but I'm not gonna miss the wedding of the decade, am I?

Being my own worst enemy.. =(

Please don't hate me ='(

Its been a bad week for me..

Finally, I did something I've been meaning to do for months now but the relieved feeling I was hoping for still hasn't shown up and I'm feeling a bit worse at the moment but my guess is, this is better than what I've been feeling (or trying not to feel) these past few months.. eventhough deep down inside, I know I'm ruining something beautiful and something thats been so meaningful in my life.. Believe me, I wouldn't have wanted to let it go..

Gosh.. why can't I stop crying?!?

I wish so much to talk to someone about it but I can't bring myself to do so. I've tried talking to my brother, but the lump in my throat just gets bigger, chocking me of the things I wish I could just let out. I tried talking to a dear friend, but found myself tongue-tied whenever she asks me about it and last night I tried talking to a dear ol' friend who has always been my shoulder to cry on.. but I just couldn't..

..and my heart gets heavier and heavier.. ='(

I keep wishing I could clarify things with the person involved but I know I'm too much of a coward for it. I just hope I'm not making things harder than its supposed to be..

..and I wish I'd stop being such a broken dam!

Ni yang tak suke bile demam ni..

..mule la bende kecik pun bleh bagi 'hujan' turun..

='(

Latest project yg dah berminggu la jugak buatnye hehe..

Okay.. mmg sgt berabuk la ini bloggg.. aissshhh, sape la tuannye kan?

Hmm.. nak tulis ape ye for spring cleaning of this blog? =p <--ngade kan!

I've had a lot of projects on my mind. Mmg jenis pantang tgk org len buat, sendiri pun nak buat jugak.. Hasilnye, bnyk bende terbengkalai.. aissshhh!

But for this year, I've one personal project yang udah pun berjalan.. yeay! Wpun baru sekali je try buat and sudah ala² patah ati (?) tp at least dah mule kan.. and whats the project for 2011 ini? Jeng³..

CHOCOLATE MAKING!

Ok la.. sape yg dah bese buat mmg tau la you don't actually make the choc from scratch la kaaaannn so tak leh la nak bangge sgt cam cupcakes tp ok laaa.. seronok jugak!

I wanted to take classes but sadly no one here is interested in chocolate making. Then I found Aina's FB which was full of her chocolate and thus got my 1st class in Chocolate Making Theory 101. Yeay! Tq Aina.. lecehnye, dia suh pi umah dia plak klau nak blaja lebey² hahah.. mcm la dia duk Pt Buntaq lagi kaaaaaannn =p

Maka, terkubur la sekejap kehendak ku itu..

Then sembang with Diana plak about choc and she gave me the same theory. The thing we had in common then haha.. sbb time tu Diana pun lum amik kelas but she already bought the moulds and everything dan tertayang la di FB nye yg tleah membakar kembali semangat sy nak buat choc.

Pastu ngan Yaya pulakk.. Minah kecik ni sgt semangat la buat choc. Rasenye baru 2-3 days after her first class, dia dah bukak tempahan. Waaaahh.. tabik spring kak Yong kat Yaya ni and she also shared her own tips in chocolate making as well as memberi semangat kat kak Yong dia ni untuk meneruskan niat murni dlm pembuatan choc..

The next time I went to the bakery supplies shop I usually bought my things, I was looking at some moulds (actually wondering nape nipis sgt, takut je sy kang tercai plak mould tu coz I stupidly thought the melted choc would be VERY hot!), apek kedai tu pulak bakor semangat sy. Diulang²nye ckp 'senang.. senang..' and I ended up with 2 moulds, a block of milk choc and some whole almonds (sbb sekali lagi dia kate, 'senang je you nak bubuh almond ni nnt, bakar je dlm oven and bleh gune!')

Balik rumah, tgk je bende² tu sbb still mcm takde confident wpun ati dah membara je nak buat hehe.. then Diana yg baru balik from her class plak kasik a new tip in the filling yang senang skit dr Yaya punye (tp Ya punye kak Yong nak try gak) so terus je ke Swee Ching sekali lagi and beli orange choc dip and half block of dark choc hahah.. boley?

Dan weekend tu mule la project sy hehe.. wpun risau gak sbb gas ala² nak abis (tu yg tak konpiden sgt tu kot)

Lalalaaaa~~

Gini la ghope choc yg dah masuk mould (ye, sy budak baru blaja!) Mase ni sgt excited nak tunggu dia keras and nak tgk rupe dia camne.. tp leh excited sorg² je la kan dah takde sape nak layan obsesi sy diwaktu ini hehe.. (kecik atiii~~) Pastu terpanik sbb tatau nak kuarkan dr mould. Nak gune pisau, kang rosak mould.. adeh! Seb baik la bleh msg si Diana yg balik Penang time tu (tanpe bwk choc atau cake utk kak Ayu dia ni =p)

Then taraaaa..

Suke la jugak kan tgk bile dah siap. Only did 3 varieties je for my 1st try

1. Plain milk choc

2. Milik choc with whole almond

3. Dark choc with Diana's orange filling

Patut la org suke wat choc, senang jugak banding with cupcakes. Sambil² dok cari choc tu pun bleh la jugak curik sesudu dua masuk dlm mulut kaaaaannnn =p

Anyway, I'm hoping for a few more tries. This one, ntah, maybe sbb I was hoping for Cadbury-like taste kot sbb tu tak puas hati <--berangan je lebey kannnn. Next time gonna try ask around for other methods ke ape ke and gonna try them.

Thanx to Aina, Yaya and Diana jugak sbb sudi jadik cikgu chocolate sy~♥ Bile nak terre cam korg pun tatau laaa kannnn.. but thanx!

I am sooo not looking forward to the 25th.. =(

♪ And just..
Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be
Let her be ♫

I'm blaming Yun on this for her 'confession-session' in the car otw back here from Pahang last week. Tetibe je she asked Bani about how he met his wife, then dan² sumer org pun kene citer something ala² gitu.. Knowing I don't have anything to tell pun, I thought I'd be off the hook, sekali, kene jugakkkk.. cissss!

Well, ok! Its actually been bugging me since I noticed the date so tak leh la salahkan Yun 100% kan.. I know its silly, but I can't help dreading it.. and its my damn birthday la pulak!

You see, this Wednesday and Thursday (23rd and 24th respectively) we'll be having our 2nd Civil Engineering Colloquium. Quite overdue since our first one was around 5 years ago.

5 years ago, we also had it on Wednesday and Thursday (24th and 25th if I'm not mistaken.. but in May). It was a blast for all of us though we didn't have enough sleep prior to the event itself but we were happy working together, doing something for AcePRO and all other postgrad students.

I remember the night before when all of us gathered in the post grad room arranging all the files and wrapping all gifts that were to be given to presenters and smoothing out all things that come entangled in the last minute. There was abg Fadzil, Choong, Remy, Fared, Pojie, Lie, Rashwan, Dgon, Ramlah, Rinnie, Ramadhan.. and thats just naming a few (well, we weren't that much then but we did our job anyway ☺)

All in all, we really enjoyed ourself though I really felt like fainting right before my presentation hahah.. my nerves were so bad. But still, we had a really good time..

..and the good time continued till the next day when we were still talking of our successful 1st big event.

Then around 10am, Erwan cam to me telling me about the invitation card he received from his ex-girlfriend. He wasn't sure if he should go or something and since I was still in the 'high', I teased him mercilessly and terlupe balasan Tuhan bleh bg bile² je..

3 hours later, during the solat Jumaat, I was found crying in the post grad room, trying to be as quite as possible (I'm not the wailing type.. at least THAT, I know!) but still noticed by all.

I thought my heart had been done broken but it turned out, no matter how small the pieces of my heart had become when it had last been broken, it could still be shattered into a million more pieces.. all by the same person who could still bring a tear now and then years later.

But this time I knew I had to let go for good, maybe that was why I just couldn't stop myself from crying. I didn't even manage to run and hide at home as I received the news at school and could only hide at school before trying (but failing miserably) to go back home.

I guess the whole postgrad room must've seen how much I wore my heart on my sleeve that day. My broken heart was exposed to everyone to see no matter how much I tried to hide it. It was one of the worst days in my life.. well, at least in the 'heart-matters' department but sometimes, I could still feel the pain I felt then.

A few days later, I went to Ramlahs cube and noticed a song she was playing as well as some copied lyrics. When I asked her what it was, she quickly hid the file with her hand but after perstering her, she told me that she was talking to Pojie when I was crying and song was what had come to their mind then. I wanted to cry again then but I pretended to laugh, just because I didn't want them to know how much I was hurting..

Let Her Cry ~ Hootie and the Blowfish

She sits alone by a lamppost

Trying to find a thought that's escaped her mind

She says Dad's the one I love the most

But Stipe's not far behind

She never lets me in

Only tell me where's she's been

When she's had too much to drink.

I say that I don't care

I just run my hands through her dark hair

Then I pray to God you gotta help me fly away

[Chorus]

And just..

Let her cry

If the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing

If it eases all her pain

Let her go

Let her walk right out on me

And if the sun comes up tomorrow

Let her be

Let her be

This morning I woke up alone

Found a note standing by the phone

Saying 'Baby, maybe I'll be back some day'

I wanted to look for you

You walked in I didn't know just what I should do

So I sat back down and had a beer

And felt sorry for myself.

[Chorus]2x

Last nite I tried to leave

She cried so much I just could not believe

She was the same girl

I fell in love with long ago

She went in the back to get high

I sat down on my couch and cried yelling

Oh mama please help me

Won't you hold my hand.

[Chorus]2x

Oh God, now I feel like crying again.. ='(

I dunno why but I always feel like history just loves to repeat itself. And the reason I'm dreading my birthday is because its the day after the colloquium AND its on a Friday AND I'm quite enjoying the last minute preparations, JUST LIKE 5 YEARS AGO.. I don't really want to get anymore bad news, no matter what the nature and I don't wanna wear my heart on my sleeve just like I did on that day 5 years ago..

..and I wanna enjoy my birthday!

But somehow, I have been having this bad feeling eversince I noticed the coincidences ='(

So what I've done is: Avoid all things that might be cause of hurt to me and trying not to enjoy things too much!

Stupid huh?

I'm soooooooooooo pathetic! ='(