Not again?!!?!

The past few days have seen me awake till 5.00am haha..

Yaaaaahhhh, not again, huh?

Trust me, I didn't actually wanna watch it, but somehow, for the first night, I just couldn't sleep. Now, every morning I head off to Butterworth for data collection regarding the project I'm attached to now. Knowing I'd have to wake up early, I usually make sure I sleep the latest at 1am.. but somehow, this wasn't the case for the past days.

First, I was feeling a bit troubled after realizing something on the net.. ok, not really something, but quite a bit of things.. I felt as if something I've been used to was about to disappear and the worry freak in me kept me awake. Then, I realized it was nearly 2am. I had been in front of the tube since 12.30am, and had watched Martha Stewart too haha..

Then I remembered, there were two matches tonight (Tuesday night, Wednesday morning).. The Man U vs Roma and Chelsea vs Valencia. It has actually been a long time since I had watched a match anyway, the last time during the final of the World Cup. I wasn't actually a fan of football but a friend had somehow blinded me in thinking it was fun which unbelievably I had fell for haha.. and I DIDN'T miss a match for the final 8 or so matches!

Its not that I didn't watch much after that, but somehow, the 'spark' had gone haha.. besides, most games were on Astro so I'd only watch them when going for sahur or whatever at the mamak.. and still, the last time I watched, I was too far away to see the ball and ended up squinting just to understand what was happening :p

However, as I was flipping through the channels, I had noticed that all four Media Prima channels were commentating (Ayu tipuuuu.. dia dah tengok tv programs kat NST pagi tuuuu.. ni mesti case subconsciously nak tengok ni hahah..) on the games. Then I saw Ross! He was my favourite DJ when was in Hitz.fm and I was pleasantly suprised when he moved to Mix.fm as at that time, I had outgrown Hitz hehe.. I liked hearing him talk about football even if I didn't understand it but his enthusiasm was contagious and you just HAD to listen.

When I realized he would be commentating on the Man U vs Roma game, I decided, well, a peek of it wouldn't hurt, would it? *Ayu, do you seriously believe THIS is reason you watched? Haha..*

When the game started, I watched for a few minutes before remembering I had some unfolded laundry. As I stood up to go to my room to get the just washed clothes, I heard excited shouts. Shoot! I missed the first goal!!!

After that, I refused to budge haha.. the third goal made me quite excited till I forgot what I was worried about and promptly smsed the friend as the minute and seconds of the goal coincided with this friend's birthday (yeah! And I missed the goal as I was looking at the minutes for the game).. And scored by Rooney, whose jersey number for England was the same as this friend.. haha, I call that a pure lucky day for my friend who's a big fan of MU and England. Turned out, it wasn't far from the truth :)

Then I realized I wasn't a bit sleepy haha.. maybe the goals festival kept me awake. Yeah, I don't watch THAT much matches but this was one match that kept me feeling that if I went to sleep, I might miss something exciting.. and this is from someone who doesn't know much about football, ok!

..and this must be the most goals I've seen in one match (mind you, I haven't watched a lot of matches too!)

I went asleep that morning quite happily. One was for the game a unknowledgable me would say was quite good, the other was because, for a while, I managed to convince myself that my worry earlier was for nothing..

However, the next day I spent most part of the morning in the musolla at Butterworth Container Terminal sleeping hehe..

That night, once again I couldn't sleep and once again I found myself trailing Ross for the AC Milan vs Bayern Munich game. Hahah, talk about getting hooked on staying up. I was a bit sleepy actually, but since the goals were in the first half, it motivated me to watch it till the end, just in case yesterday's sorta miracle happened again :D

Anyway, I'm not a sportscaster like my friend, so don't ask me about the game.. but somehow, I enjoyed it :) Wasn't the least bit sleepy in fact.. Maybe because of the fact that Ross kept repeating that Bayern Munich have never lost a home game since November 2004 that made me wanna see if it really would happen that way (which all of us know, DIDN'T hehe.. 2 nil.. a bit embarassing for them maybe!).. or maybe because on AC Milan's side there was the abg kembo of a dear friend. I had really missed on watching Nesta (after being a bit curious about him for weeks) on the field as, when I had started watching the World Cup, he was more on the benches than on the field due to injuries so I guess another reason was because I wanted to see him (though most of them time I saw him on the ground la hehe..).. Hmm.. guess I did enjoy those two stay-up nights :p~

Well, I hope this is just a one-time obsession. Glad next week there won't be any of these matches on 'normal' tv.. at least I could get some sleep. And I'm crossing my fingers that the feeling of wanting to watch another match would cool down by the time for the semi finals.. or I'm gonna hafta go through this again.. :p

Not a small thing..

*This entry was triggered by a website I just visited. I was just thinking on how some people fail to see how important an explanation really is to fix certain situations..*

Once upon a time, there was a small town full of alphabets. They lived in harmony and in peace with each other. They were almost like a family and they took care of each other in any kind of way they could do.

Among these alphabets, there were two alphabets that were quite close. A and B. We could call them good friends, almost brothers (though in the alphabet town, no gender was actually available hehe..). They had almost similar favourite pastimes. Both loved movies, though that didn't mean they liked each other taste in movies but lets just say that for the movies they liked, they'd go watch it together with other alphabets. But lets say if A knows B wouldn't like watching a particular movie, A would just go by itself or with other alphabets.

They enjoyed hanging out at the local greasy spoon, favouring the burgers and fries there.. though in truth, the so-called local greasy spoon was actually about 30km from their town, but they didn't mind. With great food and great company, nothing mattered, huh? Its not that their town didn't have great diners, it was ok.. most of the time they ate there, anyway with either A or B making the choice on which diner to choose. A truly believed the choices were split 50-50..

A and B were quite concerned about each other. If B was missing, A would start to worry if anything had happened to B. Once when A was quite busy, B had asked A if A was 'quietly mad' (or in their own words 'majuk senyap²') at B for some reason which prompted A to laugh out loud as A had joked about being quietly mad a few days before. This made A vow to never make B worry.

B taught A a lot of things A never dreamt A'd enjoy and in turn, A hoped to be a good friend to B just like how A saw B.. well, at least that was what A always thought. A was always happy in whatever B did. Well, they had their arguments maybe.. and maybe once or twice they'd have misunderstandings.. but that was normal in a friendship, right?

Still, one day it changed..

Out of the blue, B told A, "Since when did all of this seem like a compulsory obligation? I wanna be free. I don't think I wanna be your friend anymore!"

A was stunned. A never imagined B would feel that way, especially since the past few weeks A had felt A was beginning to trust B even more and A also felt B trust A more too as there were some occasions where B would ask for help even when there were other people who could help B in those kinda situations. A didn't mind. To A, it was a sign of trust.. but this somehow made A rethink about it..

A never really though A could be hurt by that remark. A felt as if all the while, A was the only one who enjoyed the friendship, while B might've been seething inside all the while. A couldn't understand why it was happening like this and A tried to remember everything, just in case A could pinpoint what had A done wrong.. but somehow, blinded by the awful surprise, A failed to identify his mistake.

Those remarks stayed in A's mind for so long that A fell sick for two whole weeks. A never thought it could affect him that way, but that was what had happened.. and A knew, in a way, A's heart had been broken and A started to wonder if all the other alphabets also thought of A that way.

Over time, A decided that A wanted to make things better but just as A had made up his mind, he heard from another alphabet (who had probably been wondering why A and B are seldom seen together anymore) that B had told a few other alphabets that all the while, B 'just couldn't say NO' to A.. and once again, A's heart broke.

For A had believed, if he didn't tell anyone, then A and B would be able to resolve their issues.. A never thought other people know about it and A couldn't believe B would say that, as I had said earlier, A truly believed it was a 50-50 choice whenever they hung out. A truly didn't believed he had forced B to do anything.

Its not that A would say B didn't try to make things better, but somehow, everything seemed to backfire..

A wondered, who else had heard the 'couldn't say NO' story but A's question were answered when a few other alphabets started to perli² A. This was especially obvious from C, another alphabet who had once argued with A when A defended B as C backstabbed B. B never knew why A didn't like C as A never told B the real story but for a while, A wondered if what C had been talking about B was true all the while and if A was stupid enough to defend B.

Once, another alphabet who's quite close to A, D, had mis-sent an sms, making A suspiscious of D's knowledge in the mater. But when A asked B, B confirmed that he didn't tell anything to D. Weeks later, A got to know that D knew about it from B and how painful it was to know that B had lied to him..

Still, deep down inside, A was sure he knew the real B.. and this wasn't the real B.

However, one day, after constantly being ridiculed, A finally broke down to E, an alphabet that was actually not on anyones side. Yes, A broke his vow to never talk about it to the other alphabets. But this was just because A thought nothing would be able to repair the damage done, especially when A knew that most alphabets had already heard the 'couldn't say NO' story.. how it hurt to know that..

A wanted to ask so much, to so many alphabets.. but most of all, A just wanted an explanation from B. A just couldn't understand why things were happening the way it was.. but all A got from B was, 'I can't explain.'

For a couple of months, things were quiet for A. He didn't even like asking other alphabets to go hang out, just in case they would also feel like B had felt. Everyday, A kept replaying those remarks that refused to go away and kept analyzing on what had went wrong, when did it all start (like I said, they were very close just a few weeks before) and what could have A done to avoid this from happening.. A knew, the only thing that would help him forget was just an explanation.. so that A would understand what it really was. As for now, A didn't understand, thats why he kept wondering.

But for B, an explanation was something he avoided. To him, he didn't wanna think about it anymore. Maybe he just didn't realize how important it was for A to understand what was happening. But how could A? B had asked A to try to understand, but without any explanation, how could A even start to understand?

Then, one day, they talked. But they talked of things other than the fight (well, they didn't actually fight la..). A wanted so much to ask but once again B brushed it off and A, in wanting to help make things better, decided to not ask..

But then, once again A was ridiculed behind A's back by a few immature alphabets who must've thought the world revolved around their opinions.. once again it hurt.. once again A wanted so much for an explanation.. once again B didn't wanna explain.. once again things became quiet between them.. and once again A spent his free time wondering what did he do wrong months ago to change a beautiful friendship into a broken mangled rope..

A pretended to not care what other alphabets were talking behind him. For the other older alphabets, A never offered an explanation on why things were different. It didn't actually concern them so A refused to talk about it.

But A wondered, why could B 'explain' to the other alphabets, yet couldn't explain to A himself, where it matters the most.. kenape ye?

Weeks later, one night, they started talking again. This confused A and he expressed it, but when he realized B seemd to be hurt when A had asked if B really wanted to make A laugh, A apologized. Truth is, A had missed his friend so much for the past months and he didn't want to ruin a chance to remedy the situation.. and to A's delight, B opened up a little.

After that, they seemed to be ok. But at the back of A's head was always the 'why' question and somehow, no matter how much A tried to chase away the hurt and the dreaded remarks, they still haunted him.. he knew, he NEEDED the explanation.. but once again, B's answer was, 'I can't explain'..

So A thought, 'I won't care. As long as we're still friends..'

But then..

Once day, another alphabet (by this time A had lost count of how many alphabets had known) had accidently put his foot in his mouth (or maybe intentionally.. who knows?) and talked about something B had said about A that A knew wasn't true.. and A knew that B should also know that wasn't true.. without realizing it, all the pain came back to A but then when A wanted to tell it to E, he had mis-sent the sms to B instead.. bummer!

When A called B to apologize, salt was added to the injury when B still refused an explanation but asked which alphabet had put his foot in his mouth. A wanted to ask B, 'Why? Have you told so many alphabets that you can't even remember which group of alphabet you had told this story' but A bit his lips..

A wanted to tell B that maybe to B, this was a long ago story. Even before they had started to repair the damage between them. But without an explanation on things A had asked B, to A, all the things he just knew was something new. Everything was something new.. and everytime A was ridiculed, it hurt again coz it was a fresh bleeding. A wanted B to understand, if B had told him what and who he had talked to, A could ignore it all, but B had always refused. Even when A had really wanted to understand why B would've 'wanted to be free' in the first place as A really felt as if he had never forced B to do anything he knew B wouldn't like and had always planned things that A thought would suit B. A just wanted an explanation to his questions.. but his questions were left with no answers and the questions eversince the dreaded remark right up till now kept mounting and mounting, making one question turn into 1001 questions..

Then, just as A had convinced himself to forget the want for an explanantion, just so the friendship could be saved, B hurt A again by doing something B had made A promise to never to do to B. A pretended to not care, but only God knew how he felt deep down instead. Maybe.. just maybe B forgot, how important it once was to hear about it from the alphabet himself, rather than hearing about it from someone else. Maybe B just forgot, that forgetting someone really hurt.. a lot..

Another explanation was needed here.. coz somehow, regarding the newest 'foot-in-mouth' incident, it seemed that B had done the latest incident on purpose when B knew, this could hurt A immensely.. but this time A didn't bother to ask for one. Its not that he didn't wanna know, but he already knew the answer.. 'I've got no explanation' and without saying it, A was already sick of this excuse..

Just an explanation.. on everything! On every single thing that happened eversince that 'I wanna be free' day, thats all it'll take. That's the only thing that could chase all those ghosts away.. no matter how ugly the explanation is, at least things were surely to get better.. Just an explanation? Can't be that hard could it? Should it?

Just an explanation.. thats all!

Just explain..

A lesson learnt..

Today I learnt that when the local cinema says "Do NOT bring outside food and drinks", you probably should obey it..

..especially if its an almost melted chocolate ice-cream cone.

..and also if you're wearing your favourite worn-out beige coloured jeans.

..along with a cream coloured tudung.

..and particularly if its the old type of cinema where it gets pitch dark when the movie starts.

..when you know you're gonna hafta open the wrapping in the dark.

..and you didn't bring any extra tissues along.

..nor does your handphone.. or your friend's handphone bright enough to aid your sight.

..nor do you have any bottled plain water to wet your sticky finger.

..and all this happened at the beginning of the two-hour movie!

Sheesh! Luckily, some particular friends weren't present or they'd have a good laugh at proving that I'll always be clumsy and comot at almost anytime of the day haha..

Today, I also learnt that if one day you meet some one and instinct tells you, "Hey, this person could be a kindred spirit, a great kinda friend.. someone I could tell my secrets. And who'd never hurt me even if they know the VERY THING's that could hurt me! Yep, I'm gonna trust this person with all that!!"..

DON'T!!!!

Coz that's the very thing that person would do! Unintentionally is different, but intentionally when they know that it could hurt you.. that sucks, man! Cuts deep!!! Hurts to the extent you can't differentiate between a sincere or cynical question.. and makes you question your choice in people you put your trust in..

Please God, help me to NOT make that mistake again.. :'(

..yeah, the same goes to the ice cream mistake too! Hehe..

No way! Who says I drink Nescafe?

As a rule, I don't drink Nescafe!!

Really!

Trust me!!!

.

.

.

Okay, I can hear snickering in the room now!

Truth is.. I HATE Nescafe.. or any kinda coffee for that sake. During school, Mama usually prepared Nescafe for only her (with milk) and Abah (strong and black). Then it was Iwan, I think, who started to drink Nescafe too and the others started to follow suit, accordingly. So towards the time I came back to stay home after 3 years in the hostel, the morning beverage was mainly Nescafe and I did my own tea.. yup! I'm the tea drinker of the family.

I hated the bitter taste of Nescafe, even when sweetened milk was added. It surprised me on how much my family drank THAT drink while I'd rather have tea. Sometimes, I'd be the only one drinking it haha.. yeah, the whole teapot of it!

Oh yeah! Another reason I hated Nescafe was because I suck at preparing it. Back home, weekend breakfasts were supposed to be prepared by us children (READ: Kak Yong je le tuuu!). I didn't mind preparing the food, we loved experimenting with anything from the fridge, but I hated preparing the drinks (READ: the coffee!).

A pot of tea was a must, as I really dig in it. Milo was also a must for the lil' ones.. but coffee was supposed to be prepared for both my parents (before we started doing it in pots, to replace Milo, when almost everyone in my family started drinking it!). I'd be struggling the whole time, trying to remember the best ratio for coffee and sugar. Mama and Abah would just smile sweetly when they drank their coffee, but would drop subtle hints on how weak my coffee was.. aaarrrggghh! I gave up after a few weeks, Iwan was better at it so I graciously handed the task to him.

When I rented with kak Shima and kak Kathy, I was pleasantly surprised to find out kak Shima was a tea drinker too. We loved trying out any kinds of tea, though my tastebuds couldn't actually differentiate Earl Grey and English Breakfast. But I loved the fruit infused ones and the flavoured ones, thus the result: Our house was filled with all kinds of teas, much to kak Kathy's horror when she preferred plain Boh tea bags.

I have two avid coffee-drinker friends: Pojie and Yun. Its VERY seldom that they order anything else than Nescafe o' ais that I could conclude confidently both of them contribute A LOT to the profit of Nestle in their Nescafe sales. Without these two, Nestle would certainly suffer a great deal of loss.

Anyway, its not that I didn't drink it at all. A plus at not drinking coffee is that the caffeine in it surely helps whenever I wanna stay up, as opposed to for those immune to its effect already.

So, when I was busy with my writing for my thesis, I started buying tinned Nescafe. I mean, I HAD to stay up till 5am so coffee finally had an important part in my life. Still, I only bought the weakest one, Latte flavour.

Since I started staying up till 2am, I only needed 1 tin per day. Then I started staying up a bit later, until 3am. Gradually, it turned to 4am, and by this time, I needed another tin to help me stay up. Towards the end of my writing, I needed yet another tin to help keep me awake during the day, thus, making it into a total of at least 3 tins per day.

By then, Lie and Ramlah had commented that I'm addicted to Nescafe, much to my horror. As usual, I denied any kind of association with THAT drink, and stood my ground saying I only use it to stay up!

However, something made me feel like I was lying haha.. Then when I went to the postgrad room's fridge, I noticed that they were probably a tad bit right when I realized I had stocked 3 tins in the fridge for that day's se.. so I vowed, once I submit my 10 copies, I'd stop..

Fat chance!!!!!

After I had submitted, I thought it'd be good riddance to the tins of Nescaffe Latte. However, I found that I HAD to drink them so I won't get sleepy during my nightly tuition classes.. I blame this on the lack of sleep during the whole time of my writing. Still, I thought, when the school holidays come, I'd stop since I won't have any classes..

..or so I thought!

Turned out, cikgu Arun had scheduled night classes for me during the school holidays. So once again I became victim to the NescafeLatteignitis..

Just a few days ago, Choong was commenting on how much I love my Nescafe Latte and I was about to argue about it when I noticed the tins of Nescafe on his book rack. You see, Choong is an avid recycler (does this word even exist?) so I always keep my old newspapers and aluminium cans for him. For the cans, I always put them on top of his book rack whenever I finish drinking the beverages..

The picture above shows my Nescafe consumpiton of two weeks. Mind you, on weekends I seldom drink them as I 'don't have the need' to keep myself awake so those tins were usually from the weekdays..

..and I was suprised!

Hahah..

When Choong followed me to my car to collect the cans I've been keeping for drinks I take during my bight classes, once again he laughed at the bulk of it..

He left me with this question..

"Are you sure you hate Nescafe?"

..to which I honestly don't have any answer!! :)

Happy birthday, Ikram <--Title entry yg menipu

Today is April Fool's Day.. Ikram's birthday! The day I was fooled into believing I would be getting a baby sister.. hah!!!! Hmm.. thats an idea for an entry in my other blog.

Anyway, buat pe citer pasal birthday Ikram.. I wanna talk about MY birthday hehe..

All in all I had a good birthday.. Thanx to family and friends who remembered. Chup! Susah nak tuko ke Melayu mode ni ("I sound stupid when I talk in Malay" haha.. quite bull if you ask me!)

Okay, mekaceh untuk semua yang ingat! Sangat² suke.. and to think that I'm now 27.

Rase tue tak ek? Heheh.. nope! Sweet sixteen lagi maaaaa hahaha.. <--Ayu dalam mode tak sedo diri hehe.. Its been a week, but somehow, I'm still excited about my birthday Lagi² pulak, Isnin aritu, when I thought its not my right to be happy about my birthday dah (ye lah, dah sehari lepas tuu..), kak Fizah bought us a whole Espresso Cheesecake untuk share. Dia nak banjer sumer org tu, but since it was my birthday, I got the honour to have my name on it laa hehe.. thanx kak Fizah! Patut le beria tanye orang dtg school ke tak ye..

Anyway, here's my list of people (rasenye tak tertinggal sesape la.. klau ade, sowi la yeee) whom I nak kate thanx yg sgt² coz you guys made me happy when you remembered.. Yeah, though I'm quite 'ancient' now, I STILL LOVE my birthday haha..

So my thanx goes to (according to order la rasenye ni)..
1. Kak Kathy (yang wish dari Jumaat lagi mase dia anto kad senyap²)
2. Kak Shima (who thought she had forgotten my birthday)
3. Mama (who also gave her usual "Mama dah ade 3 org anak by the time I was 27".. ye la Ma, nnt Tuhan suh kawen, I kawen la ye.. jgn riso²!)
4. Yun
5. Izati (who bought me a bumper sign for my car haha..)
6. Adi (yang call jugak lagi, tp kali ni tak kene leter ngan kakak dia ni like last year hehe.. tak leh lupe mase you kate, "Kak Yong.. I call nak wish je" ngan nada kaciwe hehe..)
7. Pojie (who, ok la, did surprise me a bit.. a bit ye, Pojie.. a bit je haha.. but thanx! Tunggu laaa July ni..)
8. Remy (yang bersubahat ngan Pojie.. takut kene tangkap pak gad kunun!)
9. Amer (adik yang disayangi.. yg tengah majuk ngan kakak dia ni.. akak majuk balik kang.. :p)
10. Ramlah (thanx Wamlah.. tu bukan kire lamat wish tuuu..)
11. Helmi (mekaceh call akak!)
12. Lie (yang jugak ingat dia paling lamat wish hehe..)
13. Salimin
14. Masz (gf Amer)
15. Lini + Salam (thanx for the card.. w/pun ade name Salam, tapi tau Lini yg pos hehe..)
16. Rahela (pun tak penah lupe ye awak!)
17. Azrul (my adik sebulan tak cukup sehari :D)
18. Afizal + Aya + Fatihah (fuhh.. first time awak ingat bday saya, ye Afizal!)
19. Abah
20. Ana (thanx ye, Ana..)
21. Nomi
22. Sob (saya 27 la.. awak tu yg 28!!!)
23. Fawah
24. Abg Fadzil
25. Ikram (cettt, adik kandung lak yg lamat wish :p)
26. Winnie
27. Korie
28. Jutie (ye laaaa.. selamat ari Polis laaa)
29. Kembar ku yg terlebih tinggi.. Anep!
30. As (ingat gak ye awak :))
31. Ayeen (nak adiah dari Intel haha..)
32. Suziane (mekaceh mak budak :p)
33. Neidi
34. Hazwan (student tuition last year)
35. Jida (Haha, already read your blog! I'm honoured to have my birthday mentioned :p)
36. Yuhyi (yg terlambat wish.. tp malas nak betulkan hari)
37. Kak Yun
38. Aida a.k.a Chipunk
39. Ajha
40. Paijah.. ingat oooo
41. Ilah.. and happy birthday to you too!
42. Ogy
43. Long
44. Dayah
45. Is.. happy besday gak.. sehari je sblm kak Yong kan?
46. Dgon
47. Erwan
48. Fadzli Jiwer
49. Pok Su (Aiyakkk.. akak lupe bday Pok su ek tahun ni?)
50. Choong
51. Ashraf (yg baru wish tadi hehe..)

Hmm.. ade tertinggal tak ek?

52. Ina Bashah
53. Yana Aizee (baru bukak e-card laaa.. sowii!)