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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Not a small thing..

*This entry was triggered by a website I just visited. I was just thinking on how some people fail to see how important an explanation really is to fix certain situations..*

Once upon a time, there was a small town full of alphabets. They lived in harmony and in peace with each other. They were almost like a family and they took care of each other in any kind of way they could do.

Among these alphabets, there were two alphabets that were quite close. A and B. We could call them good friends, almost brothers (though in the alphabet town, no gender was actually available hehe..). They had almost similar favourite pastimes. Both loved movies, though that didn't mean they liked each other taste in movies but lets just say that for the movies they liked, they'd go watch it together with other alphabets. But lets say if A knows B wouldn't like watching a particular movie, A would just go by itself or with other alphabets.

They enjoyed hanging out at the local greasy spoon, favouring the burgers and fries there.. though in truth, the so-called local greasy spoon was actually about 30km from their town, but they didn't mind. With great food and great company, nothing mattered, huh? Its not that their town didn't have great diners, it was ok.. most of the time they ate there, anyway with either A or B making the choice on which diner to choose. A truly believed the choices were split 50-50..

A and B were quite concerned about each other. If B was missing, A would start to worry if anything had happened to B. Once when A was quite busy, B had asked A if A was 'quietly mad' (or in their own words 'majuk senyap²') at B for some reason which prompted A to laugh out loud as A had joked about being quietly mad a few days before. This made A vow to never make B worry.

B taught A a lot of things A never dreamt A'd enjoy and in turn, A hoped to be a good friend to B just like how A saw B.. well, at least that was what A always thought. A was always happy in whatever B did. Well, they had their arguments maybe.. and maybe once or twice they'd have misunderstandings.. but that was normal in a friendship, right?

Still, one day it changed..

Out of the blue, B told A, "Since when did all of this seem like a compulsory obligation? I wanna be free. I don't think I wanna be your friend anymore!"

A was stunned. A never imagined B would feel that way, especially since the past few weeks A had felt A was beginning to trust B even more and A also felt B trust A more too as there were some occasions where B would ask for help even when there were other people who could help B in those kinda situations. A didn't mind. To A, it was a sign of trust.. but this somehow made A rethink about it..

A never really though A could be hurt by that remark. A felt as if all the while, A was the only one who enjoyed the friendship, while B might've been seething inside all the while. A couldn't understand why it was happening like this and A tried to remember everything, just in case A could pinpoint what had A done wrong.. but somehow, blinded by the awful surprise, A failed to identify his mistake.

Those remarks stayed in A's mind for so long that A fell sick for two whole weeks. A never thought it could affect him that way, but that was what had happened.. and A knew, in a way, A's heart had been broken and A started to wonder if all the other alphabets also thought of A that way.

Over time, A decided that A wanted to make things better but just as A had made up his mind, he heard from another alphabet (who had probably been wondering why A and B are seldom seen together anymore) that B had told a few other alphabets that all the while, B 'just couldn't say NO' to A.. and once again, A's heart broke.

For A had believed, if he didn't tell anyone, then A and B would be able to resolve their issues.. A never thought other people know about it and A couldn't believe B would say that, as I had said earlier, A truly believed it was a 50-50 choice whenever they hung out. A truly didn't believed he had forced B to do anything.

Its not that A would say B didn't try to make things better, but somehow, everything seemed to backfire..

A wondered, who else had heard the 'couldn't say NO' story but A's question were answered when a few other alphabets started to perli² A. This was especially obvious from C, another alphabet who had once argued with A when A defended B as C backstabbed B. B never knew why A didn't like C as A never told B the real story but for a while, A wondered if what C had been talking about B was true all the while and if A was stupid enough to defend B.

Once, another alphabet who's quite close to A, D, had mis-sent an sms, making A suspiscious of D's knowledge in the mater. But when A asked B, B confirmed that he didn't tell anything to D. Weeks later, A got to know that D knew about it from B and how painful it was to know that B had lied to him..

Still, deep down inside, A was sure he knew the real B.. and this wasn't the real B.

However, one day, after constantly being ridiculed, A finally broke down to E, an alphabet that was actually not on anyones side. Yes, A broke his vow to never talk about it to the other alphabets. But this was just because A thought nothing would be able to repair the damage done, especially when A knew that most alphabets had already heard the 'couldn't say NO' story.. how it hurt to know that..

A wanted to ask so much, to so many alphabets.. but most of all, A just wanted an explanation from B. A just couldn't understand why things were happening the way it was.. but all A got from B was, 'I can't explain.'

For a couple of months, things were quiet for A. He didn't even like asking other alphabets to go hang out, just in case they would also feel like B had felt. Everyday, A kept replaying those remarks that refused to go away and kept analyzing on what had went wrong, when did it all start (like I said, they were very close just a few weeks before) and what could have A done to avoid this from happening.. A knew, the only thing that would help him forget was just an explanation.. so that A would understand what it really was. As for now, A didn't understand, thats why he kept wondering.

But for B, an explanation was something he avoided. To him, he didn't wanna think about it anymore. Maybe he just didn't realize how important it was for A to understand what was happening. But how could A? B had asked A to try to understand, but without any explanation, how could A even start to understand?

Then, one day, they talked. But they talked of things other than the fight (well, they didn't actually fight la..). A wanted so much to ask but once again B brushed it off and A, in wanting to help make things better, decided to not ask..

But then, once again A was ridiculed behind A's back by a few immature alphabets who must've thought the world revolved around their opinions.. once again it hurt.. once again A wanted so much for an explanation.. once again B didn't wanna explain.. once again things became quiet between them.. and once again A spent his free time wondering what did he do wrong months ago to change a beautiful friendship into a broken mangled rope..

A pretended to not care what other alphabets were talking behind him. For the other older alphabets, A never offered an explanation on why things were different. It didn't actually concern them so A refused to talk about it.

But A wondered, why could B 'explain' to the other alphabets, yet couldn't explain to A himself, where it matters the most.. kenape ye?

Weeks later, one night, they started talking again. This confused A and he expressed it, but when he realized B seemd to be hurt when A had asked if B really wanted to make A laugh, A apologized. Truth is, A had missed his friend so much for the past months and he didn't want to ruin a chance to remedy the situation.. and to A's delight, B opened up a little.

After that, they seemed to be ok. But at the back of A's head was always the 'why' question and somehow, no matter how much A tried to chase away the hurt and the dreaded remarks, they still haunted him.. he knew, he NEEDED the explanation.. but once again, B's answer was, 'I can't explain'..

So A thought, 'I won't care. As long as we're still friends..'

But then..

Once day, another alphabet (by this time A had lost count of how many alphabets had known) had accidently put his foot in his mouth (or maybe intentionally.. who knows?) and talked about something B had said about A that A knew wasn't true.. and A knew that B should also know that wasn't true.. without realizing it, all the pain came back to A but then when A wanted to tell it to E, he had mis-sent the sms to B instead.. bummer!

When A called B to apologize, salt was added to the injury when B still refused an explanation but asked which alphabet had put his foot in his mouth. A wanted to ask B, 'Why? Have you told so many alphabets that you can't even remember which group of alphabet you had told this story' but A bit his lips..

A wanted to tell B that maybe to B, this was a long ago story. Even before they had started to repair the damage between them. But without an explanation on things A had asked B, to A, all the things he just knew was something new. Everything was something new.. and everytime A was ridiculed, it hurt again coz it was a fresh bleeding. A wanted B to understand, if B had told him what and who he had talked to, A could ignore it all, but B had always refused. Even when A had really wanted to understand why B would've 'wanted to be free' in the first place as A really felt as if he had never forced B to do anything he knew B wouldn't like and had always planned things that A thought would suit B. A just wanted an explanation to his questions.. but his questions were left with no answers and the questions eversince the dreaded remark right up till now kept mounting and mounting, making one question turn into 1001 questions..

Then, just as A had convinced himself to forget the want for an explanantion, just so the friendship could be saved, B hurt A again by doing something B had made A promise to never to do to B. A pretended to not care, but only God knew how he felt deep down instead. Maybe.. just maybe B forgot, how important it once was to hear about it from the alphabet himself, rather than hearing about it from someone else. Maybe B just forgot, that forgetting someone really hurt.. a lot..

Another explanation was needed here.. coz somehow, regarding the newest 'foot-in-mouth' incident, it seemed that B had done the latest incident on purpose when B knew, this could hurt A immensely.. but this time A didn't bother to ask for one. Its not that he didn't wanna know, but he already knew the answer.. 'I've got no explanation' and without saying it, A was already sick of this excuse..

Just an explanation.. on everything! On every single thing that happened eversince that 'I wanna be free' day, thats all it'll take. That's the only thing that could chase all those ghosts away.. no matter how ugly the explanation is, at least things were surely to get better.. Just an explanation? Can't be that hard could it? Should it?

Just an explanation.. thats all!

Just explain..

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