Hey Mister.. I thought of you today..

I know I'm not supposed to and that in a way, its wrong.. but I guess something triggered the memories of you.

DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! I'm not this crazy person coming to distrupt your pleasant life. Chill out, ok! You know me more that you would admit and you KNOW I won't do anything stupid.. at least I think you know..

It just that, Mister..

Last Saturday, coming back from class, I turned on the radio as usual, switching stations as more and more advertisments were filling up the air. Then at this station, there was a live telecast of a local award and a group of girls were singing a classic by Allahyarham Sudirman (Personally, I like Sudirmans version. The version by KRU and these girls are soooo tak bes!) I dunno why, while enjoying this lame-tak-dengar song, when they came to the chorus, I remembered you..

But hey Mister..

Don't get me wrong. I'm not obsessed with you, ok. Its been six long years now, and I'm past being that unrecognizable mess I was then. I've forgotten the reason we fought and most of the time, I only remember the good memories I had with you. In fact, those are almost the only things I remember now..

..and Mister..

I get it. You're married now. With your own son/daughter to lighten up your day. Not that I know much of it pun since everytime your mum brings up the subject, I'll quickly move on to another topic, being a bit rude by ignoring what she wanted to say.. I'm sorry! But I get it.. thats why I'm saying, don't worry. I'm not THAT pathetic.. you know me, don't you?

Believe me Mister..

I don't wish for bad things for you. I don't wish for misfortune or bad luck. I don't wish that the sun stops shining in your world, nor do I wish it will always be in the storm. I never did.. you know that don't you?

But Mister..

There are times I still wonder. There are times I still question everything.. even now!

And believe me Mister, its not for the sake of finding reasons to fight. Its just for me to know the truth once and for all. Its just for me to know what really happened.. thats all.

Like yesterday, I became a fool once again while watching tv. You've always known how secretive I was once upon a time ago, don't you Mister? How I never liked sharing my intimate feelings with anyone to the point when my 'cousins' in EE said, Ayu takde perasaan! I laughed whenever they said that to me, which was always haha.. but I didn't laugh when for the first time in my life, I broke down after being asked if I was okay, instead of smiling and saying my usual, "Takde ape².." For the very first time in my life, I admited I wasn't okay and for the first time, someone else had a chance to listen to my secret thoughts I've always hidden from other people. When I saw a similar scene on TV, without warning I thought of you again and I didn't realize I was crying until my sight was blurred by my tears. Thats twice in a matter of days.. something I haven't done for a long time..

..and for a while, I wondered. Will I ever stop acting this way?

And I'm not judging you, Mister. I'm selfish, yes I am! I wanna know for my own personal reason. For my own validation on the kind of person I was and if it was my fault entirely.. just so I don't feel like such a fool every now and then..

..coz you were my BESTFRIEND once upon a time ago, weren't you , Mister? You're the one who supposedly knows me more than I know myself and you're the only one who could tell me the truth of it.

All the while, this was all I wanted. I'm past everything else.. I just want to know what really happened. I just want an honest explanation.

I'm not asking you to fulfill your promises to me all those years ago. I'm not asking you to mend my heart after you broke it.. besides, it now races for someone else :) I just want a piece of mind, something that will help in my confidence for the future. And I promise to swallow it all, no matter how bitter, no matter how sweet..

So Mister..

Can you give it to me?

For the sake of ol' times..

Can you?