Going home..

Eversince my family moved back to Sg Ara, I've never stayed there for the night. My reasons where mostly because of my still-unfinished-thesis but the real reason is that I'm afraid it won't feel the same anymore. So my simple solution was to avoid going there.

However, for AidilAdha, I didn't have much choice since my family decided to celebrate raya over in Penang so come Monday, I knew it was time for me to face my past..

I arrived in Penang a bit late as I was delayed by the unexpected 'meeting' with Abah, Umi and Annisa at Carrefour where I was shopping for the checkered cake Mama loved. Annisa is already 9 months old and she's not frightened of me anymore. I'd like to say that we bonded there and then but haha, whats to expect from an eager 25-year-old sister with her 9-month-old stepsister! I nearly forgot that its by this age that babies start to accept not-so-familiar faces, thus explaining her ba-ba-ba-ing with me, as if she wanted to tell me everything that captures her attention. Truth is, I've been thinking of her the past few days so meeting her was really a pleasant suprise for me.

Anyway, thats a totally different story..

I almost couldn't recognize the sight that greeted me when I arrived home. Gone was the 'tropical jungle' I've been accustomed to for the past two years but in its place, still, wasn't the typically-Abah type of garden I grew up with. Still, the sight was better than ever! I could even see the fish pond that had been lost from view before (macam kata Salimin, "Haaa, ade kolam ikan ke kat situ, kak Ayu?" when I took them there a couple of weeks ago, before the transformation)

The house was noisy with the voices of Mama, Adi, Ikram, Izati and Iskandar as well as the sound of the workmen doing their job to make the place 'livable'. The termite infested sink cabinet was gone while they replaced it with a simple sink and the crumbles-to-touch kitchen door was also replaced with a more solid one. Yup, the place doesn't really look as it should yet, but the feeling of coming home was just right!

Its not that when I entered the house, the so-called waves of memories came over me, in fact, I don't think that even a splash of it was there. But somehow, there was this strange feeling of hope.. Mama looked more happy than ever while my siblings looked as if we had never left the place.

We spent the rest of the day together, just like in the old days.. or maybe even better! Went to pick up Ikram's friend, Sofi before heading to Giant to buy the raya supplies. Then we went to have dinner before going back home and all the while, each and every one of us was smiling.

That night, I slept a peaceful sleep. Well, not really in my old bed since my room was still in a bad condition and has not been repaired yet.. but at least I was sleeping in the same house I grew up. The very house that protected me in my sleep for 11 years before I headed off to study and the same house I came back to whenever I wanted to! And yes, with the people I love with all my heart, though I never really tell them that..

The next couple of days saw us going back to all the places we had be so used to that we took them for granted. I guess now we appreciate these places even more, even marvelling at how much our small town had grown.

When I had to go back to Transkerian, I felt the familiar tug at my heart whenever I left the house. I smiled, knowing that nothing has really changed and that now, we're all finally back home.. right where we belong!

Lonely?

Confusions! Confusions! Sometimes I feel as if I dunno what I want.. yet there are times I'm so sure of it that I'm so afraid I won't get it.. what AM I rambling about here?

And yeah.. suddenly I'm remembering what Pojie and Jida said about me.. 'You are lonely!'

Yeah, I might have shrugged it off then.. Heck, I might have laughed at it, especially when Jida expressed it as the indecent-type of loneliness that made me feel torn between amused (99.9%) and offended (0.1%) hahah.. but Jida kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!! Hahah.. no offense there, friend..

But well, at times I DO feel lonely, specifically when with friends who are.. well, not as lonely as I am haha.. Now I don't think I'm making sense here!

I mean, just because I'm lonely, doesn't mean I'm desperate, right? It doesn't mean I'll take anyone who asks first haha.. tu macam sangat teruk la! Ok, I'm not going on and on about this lonely issue when I'm dealing with something else here, but still, maybe there is a connection between them, huh?

I guess I am lonely, and to make matters worse, I don't trust people as much as I'd like to. In the end, I hurt people who have good intentions and who are really sincere. Which somehow brings me back to square one and makes me end up alone.. still being all lonely huh? I don't know what to do! At times I'm afraid people are just taking advantage of my loneliness.. and yeah, I know, that proves how paranoid I am.. so its still my fault, huh?

God, help me.. please!

I don't think I'm making sense..

Big, big world..

Emilia - Big Big World

*Chorus*
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if u leave me
But I do do feel
That I do do will
Miss u much
Miss u much

*V1*
I can see the first leaves falling
It's all yellow and nice
It's so very cold outside
Like the way I'm feeling inside

*Chorus*
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if u leave me
But I do do feel
That I do do will
Miss u much
Miss u much

*V2*
Outside it's no raining
And tears are falling from my eyes
Why did it have to happen
Why did it all have to end

*Chorus*
I'm a big big girlIn a big big world
It's not a big big thing if u leave me
But I do do feel
That I do do will
Miss u much
Miss u much

*V3*
I have your arms around me
Warm like fire
But when I open my eyes......
Your gone

*Chorus*
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing if u leave me
But I do do feel
That I do do will
Miss u much
Miss u much

*Repeat Chorus*
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world
It's not a big big thing
If u leave me
But I do Feel I will
Miss u much
miss u much

I've been listening to this song for a couple of days now and somehow, I'm still not bored of it. Lets just say, its the song of my life right now..

These past few days have seen me thinking a lot about IM. I guess, the current things happening to me now has somehow triggered these memories I thought I had buried eversince I realized of the existance of MBC.

I know, I still miss him..

I talked to his mother a couple of days ago. We talked about a lot of things, about their new grandson (she even handed the phone to the eldest dear boy who started talking incoherently with childhood excitement), about pak cik, about raya, about my family.. and just when I said goodbye, she stopped me and told me a bit about IM. She told me about him working with another company (which I somehow already knew when listening to kak Julie and kak Shima talking a few weeks ago).

As usual, whenever she talked about him, I'd be left speechless.. though part of me wanted to know everything about him, there's this bigger part who doesn't want to have anything to do with him now. I'm a big girl now, I don't need to cling on to memories which I thought made me happy, when in reality, just made me more hurt than ever.

I've also received a few 'talking-to' s from friends and one of my 'wittle bwothers' about letting go. Though I feel I have, I guess my friends feel differently and who knows, maybe they ARE right..

But.. I want to let go and I want to move on.. and I know, my friends are all beside me.. thank you, guys!

In the meantime, I'll listen to this song a few more times lagi.. :-)

I'd rather talk to a human being, thank you very much!

I just got off the phone with the Bonuslink officer and it was, to put it in one word, EXASPERATING!!!

Gosh! I never knew it was so hard to TALK TO A HUMAN BEING. Erkk.. ok², I'm not starting my new year off with a positive tone by being patient here but still.. My patience was really being put to a test in those few minutes.

Let me elaborate (memang suka elaborate puuuunnn hehe..). I've been using my Bonuslink card eversince I started using my car.. and yes, I know some of you are saying, "Hadiah dia bukan bes pun!" but it was out of pure excitement of finally being 'eligible' to buy petrol AND gain some so-called points that I applied for the card and I've been using it eversince.. especially since I buy petrol every week, love the Secret Recipe and buy my skincare products (which cost a hand and a foot according to 'my' budget --> orang lain maybe rasa murah but to me and my student expanses, its quite.. errr, staggering.. but hey, its the only thing that works for me!) at Parkson!

Anyway, I found out that my points were expiring in the next few weeks so I thought to redeem some items I might want to use. After going through the website and choosing the item I wanted to get, I quickly clicked on the 'redeem' option on the screen. It was then that I realized I hadn't updated my address and it was still using the old one. Unfortunately, you couldn't change the address online and you had to call their member services hotline.

Well, that wasn't really a problem, I thought. Just a phone call away.. so I started dialing the given number.

Okay, first thing's first. I DID expect to hear the recorded message at first, asking for the language option ( 1 for english, 2 for malay) But then, it asked about my purpose af call with 5 options in all and so I chose membership information. From the membership information came another 3 options for apentah and from THAT came another 2 options for apentahjugak. Getting a bit impatient, I chose the option closest to 'changing your address' and that was the 'card application information'. I mean, the others were for basic imformation of the service la, application for replacement card la ape la.. But it turned out, that option I chose was only for applications of new cards or supplementary cards.

That's okay I thought, I'd just start again.. and ended in another different but similiar spot. By the end of 15 minutes, I had already tried so many options, I was kind'a fuming a bit (tapi control la jugak sebab tengah sembang ngan Husnul pasal tuition masa tu). All in all, I had called the 'Member Services Hotline' for around 7 times BUT with no sign of getting closer to changing my address. In fact, I was suprised they didn't have an option for 'talk to our representative'!

Throughtout those calls, I've had kak Win laughing at me, seeing how exasperated I had become and Ramadhan making a suprised face, as if selama ni dia ingat I'm a saint ka apa ka, yang tak penah hilang sabar haha..

I was on the verge of giving up when somehow, my mind told me to go to this option for 'Introduction to the Bonuslink Service' (and believe me, it took me a long time to go there!). Somehow, I was patient enough to listen to their 2-minute introduction, though it sounded more like 10 minutes. Only AFTER the introduction was the option to talk to their representative which thankfully is a HUMAN BEING and not the annoying recorded voice I was hearing for the past half an hour! Err, okay, maybe tak la sampai half an hour kot..

Good Lord! Susahnya nak cakap ngan a PERSON! I thought these recorded messages were for our conveniences but somehow, dah terbalik plak jadinya! Sabo je le..

And to top it off, I was laughingly telling the person,"Susahnya nak call" and I got a curt, "Habis tu, nak saya buat apa?". For God's sake, I was trying to calm myself la, not to spill my anger at you and trying to laugh and you boleh cakap kat me macam tu??!!? Ignoring her irritating tone (kan ke I'm the one whose supposed to be irritated?), I put a smile in my voice (bleh ape put a smile in your voice so you'd sound chirpy and all that) and proceeded with my purpose of the call. After a while, the representative pun gelak² jugak but still, tak boleh ke tone tu baik sikit masa awal² tadi? I mean, maybe dia takut I was going to 'pounce' on her ke ape ke, tu yang dia cakap macam tu siap² but please la..

Hehe, okay, maybe I'm over reacting kot.. But well, at least dah tukar alamat! Hope I never have to change the address again for a very long time :-)

P/S
Reminds me of yesterday when I emailed this company about something and they promptly called me clarifying the situation.. and very cheery la diorang that it was infectious! The both of us must have laughed quite a bit and put the phone down with a smile on our faces.. thats what I call customer service!

P/S 2
Why do I suddenly feel as if I'm such a complainer?

..and a Happy New Year!!

Wow! A new year already.. it feels like we just celebrated the 1st of January 2005 and now we're facing the 1st of January 2006. Time sure flies.

Maybe most of us make up resolutions which, more often than not, we don't really keep haha.. but at least we try, ye dak? I don't remember any resolutions made during the new year. Heck! I don't even think I ever made one, anyway.. but still, I guess I've grown a lot during this year. Klau tak banyak pun, I'm sure ade jugak sikit..

Lets see, 1st January 2005 saw a girl who was konon² determined to hand in her dissertation during the year (this is an on-going resolution, bukan new year punya) and who everyday resolves to be more hardworking and concentrate more on her thesis BUT who deep inside, doesn't really think she would EVER submit the darn thing hahah.. sangat teruk la this girl! Can't even imagine the DAY she's handover the finished thesis, and believe me, tu dalam dia ada very vivid imagination that she tends to get carried away sometimes!

But come this day, she's someone who's working at her dissertation as if there's no tomorrow haha.. Ok la, tipu sebab sempat lagi tulis dalam blog ni but this is a HUGE leap from the girl (errr, girl lagi ke?) seen earlier in the year. And this time, I really hope to be able to send this %#&*% report in the next couple of weeks.

The earlier part of this year also saw a still-broken-hearted girl who kept clinging on to the past. Quite pathetic if you ask me, though she might not admit it in the first place! Never even allowed herself a tiny crush since she kept crossing her fingers, hoping things would finally go her way. But hey, through the months, her outlook gradually changed and she no longer pondered much on the 'issue'. She even started to let herself 'appreciate' other guys, eventhough she was still comparing them with IM.

But what do you know? She now has an MBC and though it might sound silly to some (ye la, umoq 25 pun nak main crush² lagi ka?), it has brought some hugh sighs of relief from some of her friends who thought she'd never get over IM. I guess, IM has already started to look like yesterday's news to her! Btw, I saw him (MBC la, not IM!) just now when I got out of my car. I noticed his car from afar but it was too late to hide back in my car so I pretended to be so absorbed in a CD I was holding (w/pun sebenaqnya dalan hati: Nak tengok.. nak tengok! Haha..)

Another change I'm glad of is because, she's back to her home sweet home when her mother decided to go back home a couple of weeks ago! Yippee! Though it'll take a very long time to turn the place back into 'home', but we'll wait. Now she no longer feels like a nomad, with no permanenet address haha..

And hey, did I forget to mention that she's lost nearly half of the weight I she gained last year? Not much la kot, unless she losses all of what she gain (and some more perharps) but still, its an accomplishment, right? A really welcomed change with hopes to lose more here..

But there are also unwelcomed changes. For example, this year will signify a new phase in her life. Tak dak la phase besaq sangat pun, but for the past two-and-a-half years, she's been so used to being the youngest in the house. Now, she's somehow going to be the one responsible for it. Bukan la tanak responsible, but I was more carefree sebelum ni since the 'older sisters' were the ones who took care of the bills la, duit umah la..

Saying goodbye to two GREAT 'sisters' was hard enough, but welcoming two new housemates (which btw, makes me the middle one, now!) is something new. I'm going to have to learn to be more responsible and shed my clumsiness. And, I'm going to have to learn to adapt to new people.. my fingers are crossed! And yes, when will I stop referring myself as the third person haaa?

Opss, nearly forgot! I've said goodbye three times this year. The other two was to my colleagues from the Trip Generation Phase III group (kak Ana, Nomi, Nazek, Fawid, Hadi..) whose contract ended in August and colleagues from the Malaysian Highway Capacity Manual Stage I group (kak Sue, kak Bibah, Zul, Hasrul, Faezah) whose contract ended yesterday. The new year is surely going to be sooooo different since I've been with these guys eversince April 2002!

But well, changes are inevitable and thats life! I hope this new year brings much more, not only to me and my family, but to everyone out there. I hope we'd appreciate the little things in life that makes it more meaningful and may all of us recognize all the blessing in disguise before we start resenting everything.. and may, in the end, we emerge a better person!

Hmmm.. wonder what's in store for 2006?