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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Eppi besday Mak Cik..

Yesterday was the birthday of a great woman I had the honour to get to know..

I got to know her a few years ago, around March 2003, I think. At that time, was a bit reluctant to meet anyone. My family was going through the rough patch that suprised all of us and I was upset everyday. I felt as if I was blamed by both sides, just because I refused to tell them whose side I was on.. when I really didn't wanna choose sides :( Both of them were mad at me and I was just so confused on what was happening.

Thats why I wasn't in a make-new-friends kinda mood. But because of him, I went and met her..

At first, I was in my usual 'Oh-no-look-what-I've-got-on' mode I'm always in when I meet new people. But as we had dinner and talked (or rather they talked while sy control nak makan depan org haha..), I started to relax a bit.

But what made my hardened heart then melt a bit was when, as we were heading back to the campus, she hugged me.. I felt tears prick at my eyes, even as I tried to blink them away. Suddenly, nothing else mattered except a loving gesture was bestowed upon me.

I remember blushing when he told me how she felt about me, while trying to change the topic as I suddenly felt a bit shy about it.. and as time went by, I began to get to know her bit by bit and to recognize the heart that was filled with so much love even when it had lost a bright star forever.. her only daughter.

Somehow, the knowledge that her birthday was just two days before me also made me happy during that rough time in my life..

Then, suddenly another thing happened, and I was lost.. I didn't have anywhere to turn to, even to the two important people in my life, as they themselves were still blaming me for something that happened between them saying I didn't make the effort to make the other one understand their situation. I started hating mornings where I knew I'd be facing a day filled with my head going all sorts of places.. and I also hated nights where I knew I faced nightmares.

I couldn't turn to her, as I was so sure she'd be on her son's side and I couldn't tell my friends as I've always been secretive anyway so I started drifting farther and farther away..

Until one day.. kak Ana took me aside, looked me in the face and told me she had called kak Ana asking about me. She was concerned about me, and pak cik was also worried. They asked kak Ana to look after me, try cheer me up and make me happy..

I was suprised! I thought they'd hate me too.. blame me too for the other thing that had happened. Though I hold no illusions that they were on my side and blamed their son, I was touched by what they did and though that didn't instantly jolt me into reality, I slowly woke up from the dreamlike state I had been in for God knows how long.

Then one day, she called me. She never asked me what happened, but she asked me how I was. I almost cried but managed to compose myself as I was out to dinner with my housemates. Then pak cik asked to talk to me too.. and never once did they say they blamed me. They were just concerned about me, hearing from kak Ana on how much a bad shape I was in after it happened.

After that, I got closer so her. Sometimes I'd be the one to call her and sometimes she would call me. At first she kept trying to talk about what her son was currently doing, but I guess she realized how much it hurt me as I kept changing the subject, so she stopped doing that, Instead we talked about other things, and I enjoyed those conversations.

Then one day, more than three years after it had happened, the news I dreaded arrived. I was just returning a very 'belated' call to her when she told me they were getting ready for the 'kenduri' and there and then my heart dropped. I didn't have to ask whose but I still pretended to not know. Apparantly he couldn't tell me himself and asked her to tell me about it.. and the heart I thought could never be more shattered than it already was, broke into a million pieces again. The whole postgrad room knew I crying so hard even when I was so sure I had made the littlest noise possible but I couldn't head back home yet as I was in such a mess. I just remember pretending that my battery was low and promised to call her later..

For a long time after that, I didn't call.. and she too was silent. But one day, she called. By then, I was a bit okay but we NEVER spoke his name again.. once again, she and pak cik were worried about me and once again I assured them I was okay..

Now and then, we still talk to each other, with pak cik in the background :) Now and then, they ask me if I've met anyone to which I would always laugh. I realize, though the initial connection I had with them is now severed, I'll always have them in my life. I thank Allah for giving me the oppurtunity to meet them, to love them and to be close to them..

They are my 'family' and just like my other relatives which I can't choose (hahah..), they will always be in my doa..

Happy birthday, mak cik! :)

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