Not bad.. not bad at all!

*sigh*

Another day older, another year added to the age I'll fill in all the forms that have an 'age' entry! Like I told Jida when she wished me, "I feel antique and ancient.. wonder when the 'full of wisdom' part would start coming in".

Seriously, once, I thought I'd be a 'superwoman' by now and yet.. look at me..

*double sigh*
But hey, its not that I don't appreciate all those wishes you've guys given me.. a really huge THANKS to all of you who remembered! Hmm.. lets see.. There was Dr Dzul (claming he's the first one to wish me haha..), Dr Ina (yeay, got wishes from 2 medical doctor friends), Syafiq (comel la Naruto tu..), Tomok (Yunizam), Neidi, Ramlah, Yun (tq for the card and gift), Liana, Adi (who also called as well as smsed), Izati, Mama, Ikram, kak Sue, Paijah, kak Wahid, Pojie (tq for the movie and card), Alem (thanx for the cuddly tiger thats sitting on top of my pc now.. ari tu diorg lekatkan tiger tu bagi terbalik kat screen pc.. cian die..), Awa, kak Kathy n Shidi, Aida, Jida, Toroque (thanx for the card), Alem, Lili, Juty (thanx for the Kit Kat haha..), Lie (mekaceh banjer akak McD.. lame dah tak makan oooo), Salimin, Falha, Dgon (miss you four!), Salam (mekaceh la call saya!) and Lini (thanx for the card from both of you though Salam tak sign punnnnn), Bukhorie, Helmi (mekaceh call, sowi ah kene marah, akak ingat abang sedare akak :">), Abg Sher (my irritating yet very close abang sedare who kept sending annoying voice sms with him singing 'Happy Birthday' in different versions) Azrul, Raqib (thanx for the email!), As, Ilah, Misa, Ami, Awa, Bart..

Remy (yang baru wish tadi hehe..) . Not to forget Cik Wa who had wished me on January (on my mum's birthday haha..) then two weeks ago wished me a 'Happy Belated Birthday' plak.. Cik wa.. Cik Wa.. Husnul (wish pagi tadi gakk!), kak Wan (late wish due to not being in the country lah tu), Sheila Rita (who still calls me 'kak' though she's older than me by a few weeks). Then there's Yokies and kak Maria who (regretfully.. not me la, THEY should regret it haha..) gave me a two-days-late wish, my cousin Nyah Zai (btw, 'Nyah' means middle child, ok!) And hey, nearly forgot another Dr.. Dr As, my friend in lower secondary..

Kak Shima, kak Zai, kak Zura and kak Yun also forgot my birthday, but thanx for the overdue wish anyway.. sedihnye hatiku bile memikirkan bahawa dirku dilupakan haha.. Tq belanja makan ye, kak Zura and to kak Shima, your teddy bear is right here in the post graduate room with me :-)

Err.. now I'm forgetting who else I should thank here! (ape ni Ayu.. baru 26, mana leh nyanyuk lagi..!) Lupe pulak, to Pojie and Wamlah, thank you!!!!!!!!! :-) When I wear it, I'll tell you guys.. Haa.. and Yuhyi gak, tq for the card yang dah tak boleh nak bukak dah ari ni hehe.. Hmm, sape lagi eh? Lemme check.. well, at least the names of the people who remembered WHO ALSO read my blog are here.. err, I hope so lah! To the countless, nameless people out there who also remembered, thank you..

And lastly, here are some comic strips I found, with regard to my birthday as a post-graduate.. Haha.. enjoy!

If the world population were a dictionary..

Idayu -- [noun]: A master of storytelling 'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Haha.. I got this from Soraya's blog and I thought I'd give it a try. Two days ago, my name meant 'someone who's an expert at being invisible'.. but today when I thought of pasting this in my blog, I got THIS as a (maybe) new and updated version of the current dictionary (???). <--No lah, just joking.. found out 5 minutes ago that if you refresh the browser, you'd get a different meaning anyway!

Bad day..

Bad Day

Where is the moment when we need it the most

You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

They tell me your blue sky's faded to grey

They tell me your passion's gone away

And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low

You're faking a smile with the coffee to go

You tell me your life's been way off line

You're falling to pieces everytime

And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day

You're taking one down

You sing a sad song just to turn it around

You say you don't know

You tell me don't lie

You work at a smile and you go for a ride

You had a bad day

The camera don't lie

You're coming back down and you really don't mind

You had a bad day

You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday

The point is they laugh at what you say

And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day

You're taking one down

You sing a sad song just to turn it around

You say you don't know

You tell me don't lie

You work at a smile and you go for a ride

You had a bad day

The camera don't lie

You're coming back down and you really don't mind

You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the brink

And the whole thing turns out wrong

You might not make it back and you know

That you could be well oh that strong

And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most

Oh you and I

You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day

You're taking one down

You sing a sad song just to turn it around

You say you don't know

You tell me don't lie

You work at a smile and you go for a ride

You had a bad day

You've seen what you like

And how does it feel for one more time

You had a bad day

You had a bad day

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

Now THIS is a bad day..

And this..

As well as this..

So how do I feel, huh?

*Sigh..*

'Idayu'?

This morning I decided to skip going to the school and go pay up ALL the bills as well as change my tyres (which I should've done last month).

After deciding on what to wear, I went straight to the PBA in Jawi to pay the water bill then headed to the kedai tayar in Nibong Tebal to have my 'exhausted' tyres changed.. miskin la sekejap! I wanted to go pay the electricity bill at Kedai Tenaga in Bandar Baharu but forgot that today is Friday and Bandar Baharu is a Kedah district, so I was greeted with the sign 'TUTUP'.. oh well! After that, I went to pay my telephone bill at Maxis Parit Buntar while trying to glimpse into Maybank.. kot² teller handsome tu ada haha.. I was going to Takaful to pay next months installment of my insurance when my tummy grumbled so off I went to buy some koay teow (yummy) for breakfast before going to Takaful.

Now, I've just paid my car insurance last month and the person at the counter (who called me 'adik' though I think she must be younger than me.. or at least we're the same age!) suprised me when she asked me the address to send the policy. You see, my car is still in Abah's name so she thought it was better to send to policy to me instead of Abah. When I agreed, she instantly asked me, "Macammana nak eja Nurikhwani?" and smiled when my face revealed how suprised I was. As I recall, I didn't really leave my name around, did I? Aik, dia tau nama saya ek? Hehe..

So as I entered their office just now, she was at the counter doing the insurance of some other person. When she saw me, she smiled and asked me to sit down first. Since the newspaper caught my eye as I sat, I went through todays news while waiting.

Suddenly, I heard a distant voice calling, "Idayu.. Idayu.. boleh bayar sekarang" Thinking that she was calling to her colleague or something, I was starting to ignore it until I realized the 'boleh bayar sekarang' part. Looking up, I saw her beckoning to me and embarassed, I quickly went up to the counter to pay.

Throughout the whole time, I was feeling a bit ashamed as I never really learnt the names of the people around me. Tak kisah la kalau I only meet them once a month ke (like this lady) but if she could take the trouble trying to remember my name, why shouldn't I do it too? Malunya, Tuhan je yang tau.. still, I couldn't bring myself to ask her name.. teruk punya Ayu!

Anyway, as I went down the stairs, I suddenly giggled to myself.. IDAYU!!! Hehe, perempuan nye name tu rase.. Ye la, I AM a girl but throughtout my life, tak pernah orang panggil Idayu though that name IS part of my real name. IDAYU?!?! Hahahahahahaah..

Still, note to self: Lain kali, learn that girl's name!!!

Not a good teacher.. :'(

I just came back from my class in Bagan Serai.. with a sore throat! No prizes for guessing how loud I was shouting at my students just now. I'm just filled with this feeling of frustation..

Truth is, I've been wondering, am I cut to be a teacher?

I've loved teaching for as long as I can remember. My siblings (except Iwan and Adi la.. and Annisa sebab dia kecik lagi!) were all taught by me (poyo jekk..). I used to by these cardboards and taught them the basics of reading as well as the miracles of numbers. Mama and Abah were supportive and 'financed' my classroom (which was the guests room at home). There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to be a teacher.

However, the preassure of being in an extended family where everyone is always trying to outdo the other finally got to me and reluctantly, I furthered my studies in the engineering field. At first, I still held on to the hope of being a teacher but well-meaning relatives wanted me to do something more.. technical (is that the word?) Nope, its not that they think Education is 'easy', its just that they wanted me to 'make them proud' and be something 'bigger'.. duh! Sometimes, I just think they wanna use me..

Well, anyway, I finally got the chance to teach after I had registered my post gradute studies. A tuition centre wanted an experienced teacher but they couldn't get one. Since I had been joking with a friend about teaching a few days earlier (she's a tutor there), she suggested my name and the next thing I knew, the head of the tuition centre (Cikgu Arun) offered the job to me. Normally, he would give a probation period but since he NEEDED a teacher, I was given a permanent class instantly.

I really enjoyed my classes then. I always tried to come up with new ways to teach them and help them understand maths. To my delight, the next year, those students requested me to be their teacher, telling Cikgu Arun, "Kami tak mau cikgu lain!".. boy, was I delighted!

The next year, I was given even more classes. I was really happy with the arrangements as I got to teach on weekends. My students weren't all angels, but well, I can't really expect them to be, right? Besides, it'll be dull if they were all good boys and girls. When I excitedly talked to Toroque about my classes, he surprised me by telling me that he's sure I would make a great teacher (Bangga kejap dalam hati haha..)

This year, I'm teaching my fourth batch of students. Some of them are from my previous classes so I'm quite comfortable with them. However, recently, I've noticed something amiss..

I don't look forward to my classes anymore!

At first I thought it was a passing phase I always face (memang ade mase yang tak larat pegi punn..) but the days turn to weeks and the weeks have turned to nearly a month.. and I'm still feeling this way. In fact, I dread going to most of the classes (I'm only ok with this form 1 class in Jawi).

It terrifies me to have these feelings. I come into class expecting the worse, and to avoid the worse happening, I become so strict that I hate myself. Then the kids, being kids would go around playing in class and joking and then I'd shout at them, making me hate myself even more. I think I spent more time shouting at them, than teaching them.

That explains my sore throat!

My impatience is overwhelming that I think my patience in non-existant. I'm mad nearly all the time and I seldom smile anymore when I'm in the class. Sometimes, a student or two will say, "Cikgu, senyum la cikgu!" and instantly a smile, or better, a laugh, would come outta me but it'll vanish once I hear them fooling around and once again I'll start shouting!

Then when the class is over, I'll go into my car while fighting tears, trying to understand what has become of me. Where is the teacher in me, who loved to joke with the students and could control the class so it won't be as noisy at it is now, but will still be filled with enough laughter to make it enjoyable? Where's the idealistic girl who thought she could change these students to love learning? Where's the 'kakak' who would teach with a smile without losing her patience eventhough she has to repeat the lesson 10 times?

Do you know where she's gone to? If you do, please ask her to come back.. I need her! Not only to save my sanity, but also to save what I have left of my students feelings towards me..

Maybe my relatives were right.. I'm really a joke to the sacred teaching profession.. :'(