Google+ Followers

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

"Awak kan kawan baik sy.."

That particular statement means a lot to me. I consider it a lesson learnt. I had once used it to hide away my true feelings towards a friend, hoping I'd be able to protect my heart by saying this out loud whenever I was confused. But in the end, I hurt the both of us.. just because I wanted to prove to everyone that a boy and a girl CAN be bestfriends without being involved romantically.

I've had this 'fluttering' in my mind for the past two days. Uhhh, Fahmi nye pasal le ni.. :p

Started last night when an unexpected incident (a good distraction from what I've been feeling these past few weeks) happened haha.. Aiyooo, very malu oooo.. but provided a good laugh for me. So on the way back, a particular song was on my CD player and the joker Fahmi pakse la me dengar. Huh, tak abih² nak ngusik! Just to make him shut up, I told him how much I once hated that song (it was Shania Twain's When You Kiss Me)

Then keluar la ayat mengorek rahsia kak Ayu dia: "Kak Ayu buat pe nak sorok²! Ingt sy budak² lagi ke? Sy dah 25 laaaaa.."

So.. I told him!

But it was a very 'basic' version of it and I found myself smiling as I told him my 'summary' of it. But then again, this isn't the first time that I find myself able to talk about it without choking up or feeling sad. A few months ago, I managed to bore (haha..) Puga by telling her an almost whole version of it and I realized then, though it still is one of the most significant 'events' in my life, I can actually move on. I could even stand having Puga 'discuss' it with me, as opposed to me not really wanting to talk much about it. I mean, before this, I could talk about it, but please forget about it once I stop talking about it.

It was so different from the old me.. especially the one who received the first blow of it.

I remember how I couldn't talk for days. Couldn't even think.. and how one day I found myself knocking timidly at Yun's room. She took one look at me and handed me some papers and a pen, God bless her! She remembered! (A few months earlier I had learnt of Abah's second marriage and I told Yun about it by writing a letter to her.. right in front of her! I couldn't bear talking at that time.. and during THIS period when once again I couldn't and didn't wanna talk, she remembered HOW I prefer to let it out.. TQ Yun!)

So I wrote a long letter of my broken heart, only stopping to search for more papers for me to write in. I asked for her forgiveness, because she was the one who told me that me and him could never be ONLY bestfriends. Yes, it was her words I was trying to deny when I kept repeating those words to him, not realizing I was hurting the both of us in the process.

I was never one to talk about feelings. I usually kept them to myself but during this time, the lost of him and Abah's secret marriage was too much for me to handle and writing was the only way I could talk about it.

I refused to discuss it with anyone who asked. The most I'd do was cry, especially when Sid called me just to see if I was okay. I dunno where she heard about it, but apparantly, a lot of people knew about it but were afraid to ask me directly due to my secretive nature.

The only person who heard me talk about it was Toroque and my dear cousin was patient enough to listen to it again and again and again as I kept crying day in and day out (usually around 3am up to Subuh!).. and I guess that was because it was through the phone. So I couldn't see his sympathetic look and he won't see how stupid I look when I cry.

The first time I willingly talked about it without crying at all was with Remy during the long drive back from Pahang for Stopa's engagement. It was a long and boring drive and Remy was talking to me about his then-girlfriend, Hana (NOW his wife :) ). Then suddenly he ask me..

Maybe it was because it was boring to drive for 6 long hours, or maybe because the day was rainy and so gloomy. But I ended up telling him about IM, much to my suprise since I didn't actually know Remy that much then. I had to stop once in a while when the tears threatened to fall (I was driving then), but somehow, for the first time in my life, I felt a real big surge of relief. I never knew how relieving it was for me to talk about it.

After that, I learnt to talk haha..

Still.. I wish I had 'talked' then. Not that it would make any differance now, but it might've made a difference then. Because of those words, I DID lose my bestfriend. I thought I was doing both of us a favour but it backfired and it made me lose one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Iyer, sy percaya jodoh, sy percaya takdir. But I also believe, even if we weren't meant for each other, we could've still managed to stay friends if I wasn't so full of pride in wanting to prove my other friends wrong. If I was willing to 'talk' when he wanted to talk instead of pretending nothing was wrong and that we're cool about it.. "We're bestfriends, remember.."

AND I also believe, everything happens for a reason, no matter how painful it is. I believe I've grown up (even if I keep saying I'm sixteen haha..) and learnt an important lesson in life..

..and I've also learnt about the power of the love from everyone around me! For that, I'm thankful :)

How Could An Angel Break My Heart ~ Toni Braxton

I heard he sang a lullaby
I heard he sang it from the heart
When I found out thought I would die
Because that lullaby was mine

I heard he sealed it with a kiss
He gently kissed her cherry lips
I found that so hard to believe
Because his kiss belonged to me

How could an angel break my heart
Why didnt he catch my falling star
I wish I didnt wish so hard
Maybe I wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart

I heard her face was white as rain
Soft as a rose that blooms in May
He keeps her picture in a frame
And when he sleeps he calls her name

I wonder if she makes him smile
The way he used to smile at me
I hope she doesnt make him laugh
Because his laugh belongs to me

How could an angel break my heart
Why didnt he catch my falling star
I wish I didnt wish so hard
Maybe I wish our love apart
How could an angel break my heart

Oh my soul is dying, its crying
Im trying
to understand
Please help me

How could an angel break my heart
Why didnt he catch my falling star
I wish I didnt wish so hard
Maybe I wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart

No comments: