I didn't actually plan to stay up tonight. In fact, I was planning to retire early as tomorrow (or lets just say 'in the morning' which is just a few hours je lagi) I have plans for a girls day out with Bart yang akan disertakan sesi keluh mengeluh hehe..
Tp telah mendapat call dari Remy and lepas seronok comparing this year and last years Sedim Expedition, I found that I wasn't THAT sleepy anymore. So I did what I usually do when I can't sleep.. Facebooking!
Still, tetibe terase nak bercakap pasal something that went through my mind today..
I haven't updated on the Sedim thingey but my friends would know, I enjoyed it (sbb klau I tak enjoy, konpem dah ade entry ngate kaaaan haha..). Before going for the program, I was already certain I was gonna enjoy it because of one thing: I thought I was sick of my students!
Noooooooooo.. bkn sy tak suke student² sy (Sorry Irfan.. do not misinterpret me okay). Its just that this year I've been handed classes from form 1 to form 5 in 3 centres. I have classes EVERY night from Monday to Saturday plus another class on Saturday afternoon. And eventhough I have free Sundays, sometimes, I just feel like I need a break from these hormone-filled kids.
As a rule, I hate missing my classes but the oppurtunity to miss classes during the Sedim thingey was sooooooooooo tempting..
..and I took it!
..and I enjoyed it!
..and I thought 'How could I ever enjoy my classes again after being with 50 cute 10~11 year olds?'
(I forgot last year I went through the same cycle jugak hahah..)
..and somehow, I DIDN'T enjoy my last two classes after my come back. Not that I showed that feeling to my students laaa.. kecik ati deme nnt. But I just couldn't feel excited enough..
Then today, I had my most patience-challenging class.. my fifth formers! (Once again, sorry Irfan haha.. but you understand, don't you?) Even the thought of the class made me feel sooo tired. Don't get me wrong, I love this class the most, in fact. Its just that these kids sometimes.. I dunno.. they just drain me a bit more than my other classes, I guess.
A typical day in this class would see the girls all huddled in the front seats. The most talkative ones right in front of me that sometimes I can't hear myself think. The okay² ones sit in the middle where I have a hardworking girl, a cheeky girl and a never-stop-trying girl all in the second row. The third row usually has these very quiet girls who are afraid of asking (and sometimes they drain me the most cause I really wanna help them but how can I help them when I dunno what is it that they don't understand?)
Then the fourth row is filled by my two favourite male-students (who ask and answer enough questions to make my day) and another two quiet boys (kire balance la kot ek?) Then the last row at the back is filled with intelligent 'clowns' who still think they have a long way to go before their SPM. Diorg ni pandai² tau, but sgt la suke main!
I guess its because this class has such a wide range of diversity that drains me so much. There were times I just wanted to cry cause I KNOW their great potential but I can't seem to make them see it themselves. I don't wana give up on them but sometimes I just get tired..
So there I was, comparing how I felt looking after lil' kids and big kids.. and ashamedly feeling sorry for myself. Somehow, in the midst of teaching them Probability II and Bearings, I found myself looking at each face in front of me..
I would never be able to put all my students in one group, cause they're all so different from each other and whilst pondering on this thought, I realized.. "Gosh! We're heading into July now" That means, I'll only be teaching them for, what? 3 more months?
You might think I was rejoicing with joy then, huh? But you're wrong..
I suddenly felt.. I dunno.. I had this huge lump in my throat then and realized..
I'M GONNA MISS THEM!
Despite how down they sometimes make me feel.. how worthless and how wrong they make me feel I am for them, I realized, I really do love them!
I love how they make me laugh. I love how they act when they finally think my lessons are worth their time. I love how they sometimes trick me into doing things. I love it when they're happy. I love it when the girls giggle around me and I smile when I remember how some of the boys apologize when they realize they've just stepped outta the line.. and I just love knowing I have this big box of memories inside my heart that revolves around them!
I guess these past few weeks, I forgot how it felt to be a confused teenager (not that they'd admit la kan.. just like all of us at that age)
Suddenly, I don't want time to move on. I don't want the next 3 months to pass as quickly like the past 6 months have and I realized, I've done something my friends have told me not to..
I've grown attached to these kids!
Thats one problem I've never been able to overcome. No matter how many people tell me I grow attached and love people around me too easily, I still do it. And even though I've been hurt because of this, I've never learnt!
But how can I? Watching the whole lot of them in class just now just made me love them so much more. I mean, its not as if they've even harmed me or anything kan.. they are just being their usual teenage selves. And I can't help feeling a bit guilty of wanting a break from them..
*sigh*
And its not just to them. I still remember my first students who called me 'kak Ayu' right till now. I still see them and they always stop by to talk with me whenever we accidently meet or something. In fact, some of them are still constantly texting me eventhough their last class with me was 4 years ago.
And I still remember my first batch of students who called me 'Miss Ayu'. Most of whom I don't teach anymore but still remember me and still make me smile whenever I see them.
As for my current student who call me both Teacher Ayu and Cikgu Ayu (I kinda miss being called Miss Ayu since I don't think I'm what you'd say 'layak' to be called Cikgu/Teacher), how can I forget them if I see them week after week, huh?
So, ignoring what everyone else says, I'll just let myself get attached to them if it happens. If it hurts me, I'm the one to feel it and nobody else.. but the reward in the end is more than enough! :)
So to my students (only one reads my blog pun bile dia rajin kaaaann, Irfan), I love you all! Muaaaaahhhhhhsss!! ♥♥♥
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