*sigh*

Teruk la Ayu ni. like a roller coaster je rase arini. Just this afternoon rase sangat happy with my students (both my class and the class I took over this week), then tetibe ade rase sedey..

Just cam back from meeting my friends.. thus the picture above AGAIN! Hahah..

The meeting was just between me, my two best 'cousins' Toroque and Yokies, and another friend Mat Nizam, all who are in the photo above.

Kenape ye Ayu rase lain?

I dunno. Sebenarnye ngan Mat Nizam tak le heran sgt coz I'm not that close to him. But with my two 'cousins', tetibe tadi bleh jadi tatau nak cakap ape. Once upon a time dulu, we talked sampai takde topic nak bercakap. Ngan Toroque lagi la, especially the time I was so sad about IM, he'd listen to me talk on and on about IM sampai 4-5 pagi. Yokies (and kak Maria, his wife) pun same, kept calling me mase tu to make sure I'm okay, kept trying to make me laugh..

Tapi tadi, I didn't know what to talk about with them. They talked about anak² la, family la, beli rumah la, kereta la.. and I didn't know how to butt in. Senyum je la.. Its not that I don't like it, in fact I laughed at Toroque when he scolded Yokies for 'bawak anak keluar malam²'. Sebenarnye, it makes me feel all fuzzy and warm inside to see how good fathers they have become, though to me its still a bit comical when I remember how they were during our undergraduate years.. its just that I suddenly feel 'so outta league'.

Suddenly the content feeling I had earlier had disappeared when I had this feeling of.. I dunno.. being 'inadequate' (aci ke gune perkataan tu?). Even Mat Nizam who's to get married in December pun dah beli rumah.. and though I laughed when Yokies said, "Ayu dah tertekan dengaq Mat Nizam pun dah nak kawen..", deep inside, I suddenly wondered, where am I heading to?

Friends my age dah ade anak 3 (Read: Budak 2 org tu la..).. dah beli rumah sendiri, in fact Jida is among the first and from what I heard (Sowi Jida, saya takat remember what you told me je, pegi rumah awak pun belum kan padehal dah janji bertahun heheh..) her house is not even the 'bujang' type of house. Complete ngan renovations and fully furnished. Own their own cars (while I'm still paying off my car to Abah). Gaji pun dah tak main takat 4-5 ribu.. and from what I can see: doing things they enjoy (as opposed to Ayu yang tak enjoy studying lagi!)

What went wrong ah?

I know, I guess I sound ungrateful + tak bersyukur.. Astaghfirullahaladzim, I really do.. insaf Ayu.. insaf..