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Friday, June 02, 2006

Really LATE advice, huh?

Ok.. its not really late advice, only I was a total nuthead for never listening to what other people told me. I've been sitting at my desk here, with my chapter 5, yet my mind is a million miles away from right where I am. Added to the fact that my tummy is full of nasik beriyani which Pojie and Manje insisted was great (and YES, it is great!), it just practically drags me into a dreamy mode.. but then again, I shouldn't be dreamy, knowing WHAT I'd be thinking of..

Exactly a week ago, I got 'the news'. Though I still haven't quite gotten over the suprise of it, I'm slowly begining to accept what my head had been telling me for so long now. Still, today, my head seems to want to ponder on those thoughts, still asking 1001 questions that don't seem to have answers. As I absentmindedly browsed through the net, I came across my horoscope for today..

The Bottom Line
By this point, if you don't understand how someone truly feels, you must ask them.

In Detail
Just because you've been close to someone for years doesn't mean you know them like the back of your hand. There are new depths to explore in your relationship. If you can't understanding their actions or changes, you must ask them. Open up communications. You will both turn a corner together, and what lies ahead of you is a lifetime of adventures and joy. Let this positivism buoy you in other areas of you life. Even at work, you can create a bright future by talking more honestly.

Its the second time I became astounded today (the first when I came across the poem below). Its as if those 1001 questions, though not really answered, where given a shed of light.. and with this realization, came this feeling of dread and the paranoid feeling of having everyone tell me, "I told you so!".

I've never been good in comunications. When in doubt, I don't really ask questions but rather keep quiet about it, hoping I'll understand everything in the end. Well, in academic, I could still force myself to ASK, but outside the academic field, I opt to just cross my fingers and pray that I'll understand it, somehow!

The same goes for relationships (family and friends). I've never really talked much about my feelings with my family, even whats happening to me right now pun, Adi je yang tau.. Tu pun, I only confessed it a few months ago when the both of us were going through 'hell'! I'd rather pretend I'm ok and try to be the 'brave and strong' one.. the eldest sister I'm supposed to.. though the truth is, sometimes I'm tired of being the kakak and I feel like I wanna be the adik once in a while.. just like how I'm feeling right now :'(

And with friends, if I sense something wrong but the person doesn't seem to wanna talk about it, more often than not, I'll just play along and pretend that everything's fine for them.. eventhough deep inside me, I feel as if my friend really needs someone to talk to and is just showing a brave face, just like what I do!

See how I suck in communications!

Like with IM, when I started feeling 'funny', I just pretended nothing was happening. I guess, truth is, both of us kept going around the issue. I mean, we had been close friends for so long that we thought we knew each other inside and out, then suddenly, everything became so hard. And whenever conversations headed towards 'dangerous' areas, I'd always make a detour to safer issues!

I never asked the questions I was supposed to ask, and never answered things that needed clarification!

End result: Regret!

Thats the only feeling lingering inside me nowadays..

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