Tetibe je.. :'(

*Okay, tipu la.. not really tetibe. Rather, as I was driving back from my class, this song came on air. Teringat macam² and I was a bit upset jugak la. I dunno, maybe due to having completed my thesis, my mind has started thinking about it again. I remember him calling it one of his favourite songs after I started calling him "Invisible Man".. ishhh, o mind of mine, STOP IT, WILL YA!*


98 Degrees - Invisible Man

You can hardly wait to tell all your friends
How his kisses taste sweet like wine
And how he always makes your heart skip a beat
Every time he walks by
And if you're feeling down
He'll pick you up
He'll hold you close when you're makin' love
He's everything you've been dreaming of
Oh baby

c/o
I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes lookin' deep into mine
Telling me more than any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
Baby to you all I am
Is the invisible man

You probably spend hours on the phone
Talkin' 'bout nothing at all
It doesn't matter what the conversation
Just as long as he called
Lost in a love so real
And so sincere
You wipe away each other's tears
Your face lights up whenever he appears

c/o

I see you all the time baby
The way you look at him
I wish it was me sweetheart
Boy I wish it was me
But I guess I'll never be...

Another horoscope

Was browsing my Yahoo page today and came across today's horoscope

Thinking ahead can be daunting. There's no such thing as a crystal ball, and sometimes when you plan too narrowly, you end up making dangerous assumptions. To avoid the pitfalls of forecasting your life, don't get too tied up in timeframes. Just think about what you want in your life and go about getting it. Recent bad habits are preventing you from expecting the best of yourself, so add more discipline to your life and say 'no' more often. Perfection isn't the goal -- happiness is.

My mouth hung open for a while haha..

Gosh, for a while, I've been thinking of my *blank* future.. and I'm getting the shivers in NOT seeing anything at all! I mean, I'm 26 but I still don't see anything in store for me in the future. I don't have to look at '5 years time'.. just '2 weeks time' makes me shudder! And, yeah, sometimes I wish there WAS a crystal ball for me, but hey, that'll take the fun outta everything, right? Beside, everything would be sooo dull if I knew it beforhand, huh?

And whee-hey! How'd they know the part about me not expecting the best outta myself?

Haha.. anyway, its just a horoscope. Just wanted to put something in this blog as I feel I've been neglecting it since I discovered Yahoo 360 hehe..

Thank God for families.. Thank God for friends.. and thank God for the World Cup!

Today is the 3rd Friday AFTER I got to know the news. The shocked feeling I'd experienced earlier has started to subside. Well, not really lost at all, but at least I don't think much of it anyway..

Yes, I've cried.. in fact, first time in nearly 5 years I had to take an aspirin a.k.a Panadol sebab nangis sampai rase nak migraine balik.. ngan muke² abih sakit semua that for a while, I thought I was having a stroke haha.. Went home on THE day and went straight to slumberland (thanx to Fawed for agreeing to take over my class that afternoon), but it was a horror waking up to the fact that I already know I've been wasting more than 3 years of my life.. nangis lagi!

Went to take a shower.. nangis lagi! Salin baju.. nangis lagi! Pegi school balik.. nangis lagi! Then had Sabir and Quazzi come individually to me trying to make me smile.. err, nangis lagi! And finally when I was left alone, I had a chance to really cry again..

The next day I had a hard time trying to stop myself from breaking down in front of my class, but my students must've noticed as they were suddenly behaving like model citizens of the world haha.. Malu pun ade when I realized I nearly doodled his name on the white board <--Ayu got it bad! Even terase kejap when budak kecik smsed asking if I still wanted to go to the movie marathon.. sian die!

The next day, tried to cheer myself up when I went out for our movie marathon but boy! Was it hard!! During the movies, I felt like, "Hey! I'm ok!", but once my mind wasn't on the movies..

Gosh, never knew I could cry like that!

But then again, these past few days have gone by without even a hint of tears.. Not that I don't feel like crying again, but I've got a lot of angels around me who make me laugh again.

Thank God for family.. especially Adi, who called me as soon as he got my message. And yeah, again I cried la when he asked me if I was ok. No one else in my family really knows much, except what they saw and thought je la. Well, Izati knows too.. at least MY side of the story la. I'm not much of a 'storyteller' here but I'm glad I told Adi about it a few months back, as least it wasn't so awkward telling him the latest news. And yeah, to my Lil' Success too, for sharing his story with me. It made me forget MY STORY for a while and think about his... though, nangis lagi je la kaaaan! Yeah, they're the only family who knows whats going on in my mind.

Then I've got my friends. The whole bunch of them. Not all of them know, but the few who do have been a great help to me. And some who could guess, have been trying to cheer me up throughout these few weeks. Can't really list them all down here but I love them all and for you guys, I'm gonna really, really, really try my best to forget and move on! Besides, dah jadi orang punye kan haha, takkan nak hold on gak kot <--Ayu memang hampeh klau still nak jugak!!! Sile marah Ayu jike dia cakap dia nak jugak² kat IM!

But really, with these kinda people around me, its quite hard for me to sit down and ponder on the things that make me hurt, huh?

Anddddddd.. another thing I'm grateful for is the distraction of, what else, the World Cup!

Haha.. okay! I'm not gonna pretend I'm a soccer fan.. Never was, never will be. But the excitement around me is not exactly UNinfectious (ade ke perkataan camni?) and with the help of my personal sportscaster in subtly hinting about the games have made me AT LEAST take notice about the scores and all that. In fact, I find that I enjoy knowing whats going on though I won't be caught dead watching the games (err, tul ke? Jangan cakap, Ayu, those words MIGHT haunt you back hehe..).

But seriously, when I'm doing my work all alone at night here and my mind starts creeping to the RESTICTED AREA of IM, I just hafta search for the website on the World Cup or snippets of the press about whats going on regarding the World Cup and voila! I'll be so immersed in reading it all up, I'd forget I wanted to cry in the first place haha.. Really, never knew it could be as therapeutic as my usual 'book retreats' I do whenever I need a boost of spirit. And this is all (nearly) thanks to some ball-crazy individuals (mostly from the postgraduate room!) who have invaded my life. Why nearly? Coz I don't know if this interest should be considered a blessing or a curse haha..

So there it is.. the reason I can still smile and laugh and forget about whats threatening to make me cry nowadays. And to be frank, I love them all (even the World Cup bit haha.. and I know someone's laughing at me right now!)

Aaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhh..!

I'm overcome with this certain urge to scream..

Aaaaarrggghhhhhhhhhhhhh..!

There are thoughts in my head that I'd rather be without, and its making me feel VERY anxious, uncomfortable and.. mad?

Aaaaaarrrrrrgggggggghhhhhh!

There's so many wishes I hope to make RIGHT NOW and the thought that I'm not powerful enough to fulfill them is enough to throw me over the edge!

Aaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!

*God, help me.. please!*

Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggggggghhhhhh!

Another one for Lil' Success

The last time I published an entry on Lil' Success's hero, I was given another name to look out for. And though I said, I'd NEVER go search for the NAME, hahah, curiosity got the better of me.

So there I was, trying my best to NOT go around searching for the given name, when the search engine was already at the tip of my fingers, just needed a click of the mouse and hey presto, "Maklumat dihujung jari!"

However, like I said, the busybody in me won this tug-of-war and before I knew it, I was typing the surname given to me. Within a few seconds, this picture was displayed at my screen.

My first reaction was: "Huik.. hensem la pulak!" Heheh..

Then my cursor quickly went through the profile, team, games history bla.. bla.. blaa.. seems like this number 13 has quite a history on the field. Patut la kate 'abang kembo' ye.. Though I don't really understand much, but the little that I do can be summarised in three words: I'm quite impressed! <--as in a I-dont-really-understand-football kinda way! I don't know what I'd feel about it if I understood, either lagi suke or tak berape suke la kot.. kan?

Anyway, before kene kutuk konon dah kene jangkit demam bola (taaaaaakk puuuuuunnn), I'd better stop. See, I dunno anything about soccer, just feasting my eyes on pleasant views haha..

Haaa.. before I forget, "Abang kembo tapi apasal tak same pun? Kalau your muke memang canni, best gak hahah..!"

And just for info, latest score

Ghana 0 Italy 2

Matches tonight (local time, exact minute start tu tatau la plak ye..)

Korea vs Togo <ade ek?> (9pm)

France vs Switzerland (12am)

Brazil vs Croatia (3am) <-- are you gonna wake up for the match, kiddo?

(Errkk, tul ke matches ni ek?)

Compliments

Today, I wasn't not really THAT busy. Rather BUSY waiting for Dr Wan.

I had stayed up last night when a new idea formed in my head, regarding the discussion for my third objective. Kalau tak, selame ni cam kabur² je but this new idea made me excited since I'm sure it'll make things much more clearer to clarify. I was even smiling while doing the discussion.

Anyway, this morning frustrated me as I haven't got the chance to show my idea to my superviser. Ilang mane ntah dia, padahal pagi tadi ade je.. A bit disturbing as I'm now trying my best to submit my thesis by the end of this month, so I won't have to pay any fees anymore.

Just now, I went up AGAIN, only to find someone in his room. Sheesh! Am I just plain unlucky or what? So as usual, if I don't get to see him, I'll go to kak Ros's desk and have a laugh with her.

However, today since I was frustrated, I told her about it. I even showed her what I had done and as I said, I was excited about it so dalam frust² tu, my face must've been so 'animated' with excitement with what I would love to think as an accomplishment.

Then only I noticed kak Ros looking at me strangely. Ape lak yang tak kene ni? And outta nowhere, she gave me this compliment that made me.. whats the word.. surprised!

Haha, but then again, nak cover, I laughed and stopped her from saying anything else, before proceeding to change the topic. I noticed that she had an amused look on her face that I can't quite read.

Then, as I went downstairs, I remembered an entry in Soraya's blog last year. About her wish to be 'able to accept compliments graciously'. Then only I noticed, if it wasn't kak Ros, I might have offended the person who was complimenting.

I mean, most of us are like that. We dunno how to receive compliments. In fact, most of us go red in the face and quickly change the topic WITHOUT saying thank you. Sometimes, we even just stammer unaudible sounds (while trying to get outta the topic haha..) or pretend to not hear it at all. (Note to self-->)That IS bad manners, you know, especially when you cut through what the other person is saying (direct translation of 'potong cakap orang tu' haha..) and this might just hurt them.

Wouldn't it be nice, if we could just accept compliments as they come? Some people are so good at it, its like they receive compliments every minute. Me, on the other hand, acted as if I've never received compliments and like I don't appreciate what kak Ros said.. malu pulak rase kat kak Ros!

Betul cakap Soraya, accepting compliments is an ART! (To be a loyar buruk, I was never good in arts anyway..) And those who are good at it, well, I salute you! Wish the rest of us could do just the same, though..

This is for my lil' success a.k.a kambing sakti

Ivory Coast: 1 Argentina: 2

Nope, I didn't get those results from my 'usual channel'.. rather from an ardent soccer fan who 'presented' me with the results around 10am, this morning.

I was meaning to wake up early this morning and go to school to do some work before going to Nuar's kenduri. However, after Subuh prayers, I returned back to the settee (my 'bed' nowadays) and continued my slumber. Didn't really dream anything, and I'd say that it was one of the most peaceful sleep I've had for ages.

Lets just say, after coming back from school early this morning, I felt like reading another book I just bought on my spur-of-the-moment trip to Megamall. It was only at 5am DID I finally force myself to sleep, just in case I wake up late again (been doing that a lot lately).

Around 8am, I heard Elie bustling around doing her laundry and outta embarassment for acting as if I don't have my own bedroom, I quickly bundled up all my pillows and lied down on the floor of my own room. Half awake (or half asleep), I noticed a message in my phone but didn't feel like reading it as I know I won't reply it instantly. Besides, the sound of an incoming message is giving me the shivers nowadays :(

Anyway, when I finally read the message, I was pleasantly surprised (AND relieved) to find an sms from my Lil' success who was 'reporting' the results of the latest game. Hahah.. I didn't stick around for the game (I don't watch it, remember!) but I still got the results huh.. thanx to my very own sportscaster.. orang len mane de sportscaster sendirik :p Lil' success was also happy that one of Lil' success's heroes (I think la coz the name is always 'with' Lil' success) scored a goal!

Still amused on Lil' succcess's sms, I remembered that a few days ago, in the hustle and bustle of the World Cup, I finally used the search engine to find out about this hero of Lil' success and, hey, the info I got was not really bad. Plus, the guy's a cutie pie! With a dimple.. ;-)

Hummmpphhh.. I can hear my cousin, Nyah Zai a.k.a Jai (tengah cube nak tuko ni..) gloating coz I've proven his teory of 'girls only looking around for the cuties, without taking into consideration (cam ayat thesis hehe..) the team OR the talent'.. Eleh, abih tu, ape lagi la yang menarik kat bola tuuu :-p~

Still, according to Lil' success, this guy scored a goal, ape! So, there IS some talent there.. great package la tu :-p

So, anyway.. to my Lil' success.. 'Rabbit' and 'Kambing' leh kawan la kot nooo.. AND, akak tatau nak paste gambo pe, so paste yang nampak perut skit hehe..

P/S
To those who read my 360 blog.. YES! This is a translation of the entry I've pasted there sebab siang tadi blogspot cam problem je nak publish, sib baik la bleh save as draft, tp terlewat la publish ni :-(

Of the World Cup, sacrificing and my horoscope

Latest score.. (and yes, I'm NOT a fan of soccer, just came upon this earlier)

Sweden: 0 Trinidad and Tobago:0

I heard the radio early on today and the deejay was a typical non-soccer-fan girl like me, promoting Tobago for the drama of it. Apparantly, they were using a 'bomoh' to help them win the World Cup. I asked my cousin about it and he confirmed it (as other soccer fans would do too, since they watched the 'jampi serapah' episode of it haha.. tanye kat Jai tak segan sangat klau kene gelak :-p)

However, I'm still baffled that the name of the team is 'Trinidad and Tobago'. I thought it was only 'Tobago' like the deejay announced. I asked my chat friend about it, and unfortunately, he isn't really interseted to know why, so he can't give me the answer. But when I asked Jai, he gave me an Im-not-sure-if-I-could-believe-you but acceptable answer.. oh well!

Honestly, can't they make up their mind which name to choose? Its like Penang being called 'Penang and Seberang Perai', is it?

I just thought of one thing. I thought the World Cup would NOT affect me in anyway, but I just remembered something. NO WEEKLY NASIK LEMAK KUNING for a whole month! Sheesh!!! That spells D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R! Haha, ok, I'm over acting here. Guess some things just need a little sacrifice now and then.. boo-hoo!

Well, enough of that.. I went thorugh my horoscope and this is what I got~~

If a blur of social obligations is working on your last nerve, get some alone time. Treat yourself to a quiet dinner out, or rent your favorite movie and just chill. It's not selfish to want to be by yourself -- it's healthy. Social hound friends may not understand this inward phase you're going through, but they will accept it. Be honest with your needs (like you always are), and as long as you keep your people in the loop, they'll be cool with your conduct.

Social obligations are not really on my mind right now, but I AM on my nerves, as some of you might know. But hey, yesterday I DID treat myself to another book therapy AND my favourite fastfood meal, ' I'm lovin' it!'

And today, I DO feel better :-)

World Cup inspired..

Hahah.. tipu.. truth is, I got the idea of this entry from Misa's 360 Yahoo! blog yesterday.

Now I pay more attention to the Yahoo! 360 blog as my friends have made it their main blog now. Though the features maybe not be as great as other blogs, but what makes it fun is because they are ACTIVELY dropping by.. Misa, Anie, Adi, Ana, Iwan and others.. I've even updated some entries over there! More than I've submitted before haha..

Well, this entry is actually an entry combined from two previous entries I've submitted in my 360 blog. And, yeah, I've added a thing or two, considering the current situation now.. World Cup situation la! Though NOT la THAT much.. I'm not a soccer fan, remember!

So, last night while reading Misa's entry on the World Cup, it suddenly occured to me to write my two cent worth on my thoughts (or lack of it) on the World Cup. Errr, don't expect anything that has even the slightest relation to soccer coz I DUNNO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!

Still, I typed 'World Cup' at the search engine and the first thing that was displayed is

Germany: 2 Costa Rica: 1

(this was during halftime la)

So me and Misa were talking about how much we don't quite understand soccer haha.. Then a few minutes later, I refreshed the page and ta-dddaaa.. a new score was displayed

Germany: 3 Costa Rica: 2

I told Misa about it and within a few minutes, a 'newer' score was displayed

Germany: 4 Costa Rica: 2

Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm not really interested anyway.. Like what I said to my cousin Jai just now (Tuko name ah ye, Nyah Zai!), I'm just into the updates, NOT the game. Updates pun KALAU kebetulan ternampak haha.. Kalu tak, idak le jugak amik tau.. And yeah, I agree with him when he said, girls are only interested in the cute faces, regardless of the team OR the talent haha! C'mon la, Nyah Zai, what ELSE could we understand, anyway?

Except for the minority of us who suprisingly, doesn't only understand it, but also LOVES it! I remember kak Yani, my roommate a few years ago. She was soooooooooooo into soccer. At first I thought it was the I-like-the-cute-guys type of fan, but it turned out, she could talk about it non-stop, and even predict the outcome of the games, as well as who would be playing in the semifinals and all that stuff.. Well, thats MORE than what the rest of us girls could say anyway hehe..

Why do I have a feeling I dah lari tajuk?

Ooo.. back to the scores. I was highly awed by the fact that the net ("Dunia tanpa sempadan" kate Misa) is very quick to update the scores. I mean, I was sitting in front of my pc, without any visual of the game and yet, I would know the exact moment a goal was scored.. kagum²! They are really entertaining the fans of soccer from all over the world, eh? I mean, wow! Cepat giler update! At least, the I-dont-quite-understand-a-thing-about-guys-chasing-balls type of people like me would at least KNOW a few thing about it, huh!

Right now, Nasser and Riyas is full of guys. Even kaki bangku guys who suddenly have gained a considerable amount of knowledge on soccer ONLY during the World Cup. I went there just now, and quickly moved on as I felt segan plak lalu situ..

Like I said in my other blog, thus, starts a whole month of not-seeing-your-male-colleagues in day light. You don't have to go far, say, the school of Civil Engineering, USM. Bilik postgrad, comfirm tadek male postgrads until maybe after Zohor, itu pun if you're lucky enough haha.. Our mostly male staff would be missing too, I expect, and the school would be only filled with the female staff and students.

Uishh.. malas nak type lain. I'm pasting a bit of my entry in my 360 blog here ~~

Yup, ari ni, or rather pagi ni, bermula la a month long marathon for the World Cup matches. Pojie awal² dah cakap, confirm dtg school lewat so I can expect to not see him for the whole month, giler bola tul la diorg nih..

School: Konpem sunyi.. pagi² mesti staf perempuan je ade.. klau ade staf laki, itu yg tak minat bola le tu..

Shopping Complex: Kalu malam, mesti penuh ngan perempuan jek.. laki sumer ngadap TV

Cinema: Penuh ngan deserted girlfriends, dejected wives and single people like me haha..

Whole world: The same exact time, the wives would sulk (except if they are the football-crazy types la), the girlfriends would plot revenge for being ignored but the mothers might feel relieved to let their son's get engrossed in the game.. kot la. The guys plak, tak yah cari jauh².. cari je depan TV or kat stadium tu sendiri.. klau kat Malaysia ni, kat kedai mamak mesti ramai berkumpul depan screen² beso tu.. mau plak game kul 9pm, then 12am, then 3am.. alamat bontot memasing berakaq la kat kerusi kedai mamak tu. Tak caye kalu, cube korg check.. haaa, kan dah kate, ade a hint of akar serabut kat situ that within the month akan tukar jadi akar tunjang.. tengok la nnt!

This would be a great time for a girls night out.. tul tak?
Tp still bosan, tak leh cuci mate laaaa..

So, for revenge.. (ni especially for the married couples la)..

DON'T COOK-- eat out!

DON'T DO THE LAUNDRY--except for your own!

DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME VYING FOR ATTENTION--and spend quality time with the girls! Hey, once the soccer season is over, they'll be searching for you anyway so enjoy the month of 'singleness' while it lasts!

Besides, its only for a month!

So to my fellow post grads who'd be deserting the room, thanx for leaving the room for us to do what we please.. bleh la nak nyanyi ke, nak pocho-pocho (betoi ka eja?) ke, nak buat kenduri ke.. just make sure you guys get enough sunlight so bile abis the World Cup season, takde la muke sorg² cam vampire tak penah kene matahari..

And yeah.. have fun with the matches!

~~

Well, sincerely, I'm serious about wishing you guys to have fun during the matches. Shout all you want. Cry all you want. Call this and that player 'Stupid' with all your might. Then talk about soccer till the wee hours of the morning.. Pojie kate, "susah nak explain!" I say, "Tak yah la explain.. it's a guy thing, I know.. understand it too!" Heheh.. at least I have something to amuse myself when I watch these ball-crazy friends of mine..

And yeah, I'm also serious about the idea of a "Girls night out". Its a great time to catch up with your girlfriends (non-soccer fans only la..) WITHOUT the hassle of the husbands or boyfriends.. but yeah, its also true that it'll be a bit bored when there are no guys around to feast your eyes on..

*sigh* We just can win anyway round, could we?

Well, I think thats enough for tonight..

Oh yes, nearly forgot..

The latest score from the net

England: 1 Paraguay: 0

Yeah, I can see someone smiling now :-p

Another day..

Last night I went back home at 3.00am. Initially, I had wanted to finish up my thesis, but after the two phone calls I received last night, my mood just went right outta the window, and once again, I felt down..

Then I remembered my lil' success's email and proceeded to reply. I was so engrossed in my typing that I didn't realize nearly two hours had passed AND I had a 10 page reply for lil' success.. and THAT is with 'filteration' and deleting a lot of sentances that I'd already typed. Sheesh, ape la yang saya tulih banyak sangat ntah? Trus tak jadi nak send sbb panjang sangat. Besides, I was suddenly feeling so exhausted..

Went back home and was thinking of re-composing another email for lil' success.. one that is LESS than 10 standard microsoft word pages. After praying, I realized it was already 4am so I retired to my bed, but somehow, I couldn't sleep.. Kept tossing and turning while trying to stop certain memories from entering my mind. Even got up at 5am to eat a very lemau keropok and drink some water.

6.40 am found me getting up to pray. After praying ONLY was I starting to feel sleepy so I dozed for a while and woke up again at 8am to get ready for the day. While heating up the engine, 'You'll Think of Me' (my curent favourite song haha..) was instantly on the radio.. bleh la berfikir² skit di pagi hari.. :-(

Dapat message from my not-yet-17-year-old sis that said,"Ti x tau cmne nk reply msg ni. Ti tau kak Yong cedih.. Ye ar, dia kawen ngn owg len, sure kak yong frust. Rilex ar.. Dia dah kawen so npk sgt dia bkn da best utk kak Yong. Ada la tu.. Mayb kak Yong x jmp lg, mayb gak kak Yong dh knal tp kak Yong x tau dia soulmate kak Yong. Haa... pk tol2 =p".. ok, the first part made me feel so loved by my sister BUT the final part left me a bit annoyed as I think I have an idea on whom she's talking about. Thats what you get when you have a sister who tags along when you meet your friends and is busybody enough to listen to your friends teasing you.. ampeh Ti!

Arriving at the school, Ramlah came up with the nasik kerabu and we waited for Manje to come down before going to the cafe for our breakfast. Yummy, the nasik kerabu was quite nice though a bit hot for my lidah orang putih hahah..

Then at 9.30am I went to send Nasrin to the bus station before proceeding to Bagan Serai for my tuition pay. Whoopee, I got a more than a satisfactory sum this month, though a bit less than last month.. but living in Parit Buntar, its more than enough (except when you consider my movie-going habits and monthly book theraphy).

Then I went to pay my phone bill (RM 160? Biar betul.. ), my personal insurance (RM 110 for two months), bayo duit kut (RM 100) and the house rent of RM 150.. alamak! Adi, I terlupe la nak bayo utang RM 30 tu hehe.. nanti² I pegi bank balik, ok.. sorry²!

And now here I am, waiting for Dgon coz she wanted to take me somewhere, rahsie katenye.. I haven't even peeked at my thesis, and am extremely envious at Erwan while watching him printing out his thesis.. tak leh jadik ni!!!

Ok la.. Dgon pun dah sampai.. gtg!

Lagu lame..

Nobody Knows – Tony Rich Project

I pretended I'm glad you went away

These four walls closin' more every day

And I'm dying inside

And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show

The pain is real even if nobody knows

Now I'm cryin' inside

And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say

The things I needed to say

How could I let my angel get away

Now my world is just a-tumblin' down

I can see it so clearly

But you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely

The days are so sad

And I just keep thinkin' about

The love that we had

And I'm missin' you

And nobody knows it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two

Now I'm nobody without someone like you

I'm tremblin' inside,

and nobody knows it but me

I lie awake, its a quarter past three

I'm screamin' at night

As if I thought you'd hear me

Yeah my heart is callin' you

And nobody knows it but me

How blue can I get

You could ask my heart

But like a jigsaw puzzle its been torn all apart

A million words couldn't say just how I feel

A million years from now you know

I'll be lovin' you still

The nights are lonely

The days are so sad

And I just keep thinkin' about

The love that we had

And I'm missin' you

And nobody knows it but me

Tomorrow mornin' I'm hittin' the dusty road

Gonna find you wherever, ever you might go

I'm gonna unload my heart

And hope you come back to me

Said when the nights are lonely...

~~takde nye nak buat ginni, so don't worry la you guys :-p

..and hence, the starting of anger!

Ok.. though its not the 'Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned' type of anger, at least I detect a tiny spark of it.

My mind has been so full of him this week, that I don't have time to think of anything else. I keep counting the days (Toroque: Hang JANGAN dok kira hari!) to the inevitable. I keep replaying conversations and encounters. I keep poring over everything that has happened, to try my best to find when it all went wrong. It seems like I can't think of anything else.

Then this morning, Mama called and asked me what time I'd be arriving. A bit confused, I asked her what she meant. Then she reminded me of Zura a.k.a Piqah wedding!

Ya Allah, cammana bleh terlupe ni?

I started blabbering about forgetting it and all, and was feeling quite ashamed of myself. Told Mama that I forgot about it so I didn't cancel my class and it was too late to back out right now. Our conversation was cut off by my antique battery and I stared at my phone for a long time after that!

Who in the world would be so stupid to forget the wedding of a childhood friend? Padahal Zura dah call, anta kad and remind Mama to remind me.. stupid fool --> Me la, not Zura or Mama! I am sooooooooooooo bangang tak tau nak cakap!

I mean, I've known Zura for more than 15 years. She was a friend of Bibbi, my neighbour cum best friend in standard 3 and her father opens a grocery shop which my family buys EVERYTHING from. Her father, Pak Cik Nan, sends groceries to our house at least once a week and he knows us by our nick names. She and I became schoolmates in form 1 and have been friends eversince. In fact, I even know her history with her now-husband as I was one of those witnesses at the starting of 'them'!

And now, I miss her wedding just because my mind was full of someone I've just known for a bit more than 8 years? Ayu memang a very bad friend!!!

Malunye kat Zura..

And marah kat diri sendiri..

Stupid.. stupid.. stupid..

Sorry Zura.. really, really sorry!

Really LATE advice, huh?

Ok.. its not really late advice, only I was a total nuthead for never listening to what other people told me. I've been sitting at my desk here, with my chapter 5, yet my mind is a million miles away from right where I am. Added to the fact that my tummy is full of nasik beriyani which Pojie and Manje insisted was great (and YES, it is great!), it just practically drags me into a dreamy mode.. but then again, I shouldn't be dreamy, knowing WHAT I'd be thinking of..

Exactly a week ago, I got 'the news'. Though I still haven't quite gotten over the suprise of it, I'm slowly begining to accept what my head had been telling me for so long now. Still, today, my head seems to want to ponder on those thoughts, still asking 1001 questions that don't seem to have answers. As I absentmindedly browsed through the net, I came across my horoscope for today..

The Bottom Line
By this point, if you don't understand how someone truly feels, you must ask them.

In Detail
Just because you've been close to someone for years doesn't mean you know them like the back of your hand. There are new depths to explore in your relationship. If you can't understanding their actions or changes, you must ask them. Open up communications. You will both turn a corner together, and what lies ahead of you is a lifetime of adventures and joy. Let this positivism buoy you in other areas of you life. Even at work, you can create a bright future by talking more honestly.

Its the second time I became astounded today (the first when I came across the poem below). Its as if those 1001 questions, though not really answered, where given a shed of light.. and with this realization, came this feeling of dread and the paranoid feeling of having everyone tell me, "I told you so!".

I've never been good in comunications. When in doubt, I don't really ask questions but rather keep quiet about it, hoping I'll understand everything in the end. Well, in academic, I could still force myself to ASK, but outside the academic field, I opt to just cross my fingers and pray that I'll understand it, somehow!

The same goes for relationships (family and friends). I've never really talked much about my feelings with my family, even whats happening to me right now pun, Adi je yang tau.. Tu pun, I only confessed it a few months ago when the both of us were going through 'hell'! I'd rather pretend I'm ok and try to be the 'brave and strong' one.. the eldest sister I'm supposed to.. though the truth is, sometimes I'm tired of being the kakak and I feel like I wanna be the adik once in a while.. just like how I'm feeling right now :'(

And with friends, if I sense something wrong but the person doesn't seem to wanna talk about it, more often than not, I'll just play along and pretend that everything's fine for them.. eventhough deep inside me, I feel as if my friend really needs someone to talk to and is just showing a brave face, just like what I do!

See how I suck in communications!

Like with IM, when I started feeling 'funny', I just pretended nothing was happening. I guess, truth is, both of us kept going around the issue. I mean, we had been close friends for so long that we thought we knew each other inside and out, then suddenly, everything became so hard. And whenever conversations headed towards 'dangerous' areas, I'd always make a detour to safer issues!

I never asked the questions I was supposed to ask, and never answered things that needed clarification!

End result: Regret!

Thats the only feeling lingering inside me nowadays..

Choosing to Love

Choosing to Love

You don't choose whom you love.

He chooses them.

If you had that choice to choose;

then the road would be simple.

Whom he puts in your life, is part of your test:

to bear with them, to accept them and most of all to love them

despite all that they may agitate you with.

After all, they come from Him and they return to Him,

just like you did and will do.

"...And We have made some of you as a trial for others: will you have patience?And your Lord is Ever All-Seer" (Surah al-Furqan:20)

I got this from a friend of a friend's blog.. somehow, I feel a great deal better :-)

Yesterday, I sent a message to kak Sufi asking if she was going to a cetain kenduri of a mutual friend as I wanted to pass along the wedding present. She took a long time replying my message but finally replied saying that she might not be going too. However, at the end of it, I was suprised when she asked, "You ok ke?"

Guess I forgot, kak Sufi is kak Ana's friend AND she knows IM too.. I felt a bit sad for a while, but perked up instantly when my student came up to me telling me she scored an A in her test! Thank God for the small things :-)

Then this morning, I was suddenly weary of the fact that is was exactly a week ago that I got 'the news' and I felt my mood going downhill for a while.. until I came across the poem above! Yeah, the joys of literature, who said they don't have the power to move the world?!

*smiling*

Cik Puan Cahaya Biji-bijian

Haha.. THAT is the translation of 'Siti Nur Baizurah', as told by her to me 12 years ago. Her other name 'Sentot' has a different meaning altogether which I won't put here, but to those of you who HAVE an imagination, I guess you can envision what it means haha..

Sorry Baizurah, I meant that in an affectionate way.. trust me! :-)

I got this sms from her this morning, asking about me and telling me to check out her blog as she had written something she wanted me to see. Feeling a bit curious, I quickly opened her blog and found the entry (click here). I was dumbfounded for a while.. and yeah, I felt a bit sad too, but then again, I felt a small smile coming from the corner of my mouth as I read all her words for me..

You know Baizurah, like I said in an earlier entry, you and I ALWAYS pick up right back where we left it no matter how long we lose contact. You are one of my oldest and closest friends and when I think about it, I can't believe the last time we met was YEARS ago (REMEMBER: We've never met each other for a VERY long time now!). Yet, there are times I feel as if I meet you everyday (not to the point of getting sick of you la..).

Thank you, gal! I appreciate ALL the things you've said there, and I'm glad I still feel as if you're here with me.. as if we've never been apart :-)

And you know what Baizurah a.k.a Rabbit a.k.a Sentot.. I really miss you right now!!!

You'll think of Me - Keith Urban

I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake :'(
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been trying' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em (amik semua, banyak sangat ni..)
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist :'(
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind (yeaaaah, rigggggghhtt!)
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright (another 'yeaaaahh riiiighttt')
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life (will I?)

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah
And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

P/S Will you?