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Friday, May 20, 2005

Honest comments, anyone?

Today, I was a bit depressed. I've been feeling this way for a few days but only today do I remember why. You see, today is two years, plus a few days to the day I first had my 'fight' with my now-invisible bestfriend. The fight that didn't really start innocently enough but for a while, I DID wish it the fight would end. Now, I'm more realistic, I guess. I don't wanna hope for it anymore though at times I still wonder where WAS the turning point of our friendship.

Anyway, that isn't the main point of this entry. Truth is, I didn't feel like doing anything today, not really in the mood, so I was surfing other peoples blogs. Then, out of nowhere, Nomi asked me about my diaryland blog that I haven't even glanced at for a few months. Suprised that she remembered it, though I myself have neglected it, I opened the webpage for my diaryland. Reading through all the things I have written, a recent entry (not so recent la, ada la a few months) caught my eye. Now, this topic hasn't been on my mind for a while, but suddenly, I'm starting to wonder about it. I'll paste the entry below dated 19th January 2005

I talked to a friend a few days ago.. we were jumping from topic to topic, not really staying on a certain subject when suddenly she asked me about my life.. I didn't quite understand until she specifiend her question on if I had a 'significant other' or not..

I don't know why but I feel that everyone who's crazily in love DO seem to want everyone around them to be happy.. I don't blame her but for this moment, that question does seem to be quite sensitive.. I didn't have any answer for her anyway so we just talked about our friends and all that AND suddenely we were back on that subject.. with nothing to say, I just said that I'm still mending my broken heart over what has happened and proceeded to tell her a bit.. then we jumped back to other topics (Whew..!!)

But then, out of no where, she asked me, why was I afraid to let anyone close to me? I was dumbfounded for a while, trying to find the reason of her question.. I mean, it wasn't as if we were that close or something, so how could she get the idea? My best bet is that maybe, she's talked to some of our mutual friends (or friend, coz I already suspect someone..)..

I mean ME, afraid to let anyone close..? I know somebody once asked me that question.. ok, at least two people have asked me that question before this but I haven't really given it much thought.. they tell me, its not really just to the members of the opposite sex but I'm also like that to girls.. huh???? Am I really like that? I mean, I have lots of friends.. close friends.. best friends.. that doesn't mean I'm afraid to let anyone close does it..? In fact, some of my best friends are guys, so that might rule out what they've said to me (although the two people who've told me this before were actually guys)

It did leave me sleepless that night, thinking of what my friend said but then I just shrugged it off.. I just couldn't see how people say I'm afraid to let anyone close to me..

Then a couple of days later, I was talking to Azren on Yahoo! Messenger.. he was his usual cheeky self, trying to put me off guard so he could pull my leg with his pranks and jokes when suddenly he asked me, "Kak Yong byk sgt berahsia and dun trust me?" Then he asked, "Don't you trust anyone?"

Now THAT did put off guard.. suddenly I felt funny.. I mean, what does it mean if in just a few days in a row, you get two people asking you similiar questions.. I did feel uncomfortable.. He then went on asking me to start trusting people, to start trusting him and all that.. I just pretended to laugh but all the while my head was in a spin.. I mean, is this true.. do I not trust people? Is it really true that I don't let anyone come closer to me? I really do wonder now..

After reading that, the question of my 'building a wall around my heart for everyone' has started to bother me again. I remember a recent conversation with Sentot, and she kind'a told me the same thing. Betul ke I'm like that? If I am, sorry Baizurah, I must have really hurt you and made you feel as if I don't trust you.. but I really do la, my sweet friend, honest!

As for my other friends (the small number of those who know my blog address), I beg for your opinion, please! Highly appreciated. tak marah punya :-)


normy said...

hahahahahaaa...!!!mana der..tak der laa...kalau tak, tak kan la nomi senang nak share something funny ngan kak ayu...and sepanjang nomi kenal kak ayu pun nomi tgk kak ayu ramai member what?

Ayu Ikhwani said...

Hehe.. :-P

Ntah aaa Nomi, sbb kalau sorg je yg ckp, akak buat dunno je la.. ni bila 2-3 org yg cakap, terpikir la jugak.. patut la kawan akak ckp, dulu akak cam tak boleh nak percaya je kat semua org.. betul ke eh akak ni susah nak percaya kat org?

Bai_Lunar said...

Hmmm.... i dunno bout now la Ayu...but dulu2 u were that way la, i mean of coz we shared jokes and funny stuff...and sometimes we even shared SADNESS...tapi not UR SADNESS...i mean like when a friend is in a gloomy mood and sad, u were alwiz there (nih saya cakap masa kita still bebudak dulu)...but when u were sad u'd keep everythng to urself for a period of time(sometime it tokk a long time and sometimes it wuz short)...UNTIL u felt u can talk bout it without feeling sad anymore...that's what i felt at that time la...and maybe it's jez ur nature to be secretive...i dun mind that much coz i myself am a bit secretive..but looking at u sometimes people wish u would tell them what's bothering u coz we're like ur friends and we wanted to help u ease the burden...talking sometimes help to unload it all...kan...hehehehe...panjang la plak komen...tu la yg saya rasa masa dulu2...but for the curretn situation i can't say much la coz kita pon lost contact for quite some i dun really know what's happening with ur life except for those i read in ur blog..invisible friend...hehehehe...

Ayu Ikhwani said...

Wow.. panjang nye, Sentot.. tak padan ngan org dia hahah (ckp kat org, sendiri pun 2x5..)

Sorry la Sentot, but I guess I made it up to you (at least a bit) tadi, right? At least you know s'thing I haven't been able to tell anyone for a long time..

Secretive eh? That makes you the 1001 person to say that haha.. Secretive ke? I thought I loved to babble about everything, guess I was wrong.. :'(

Ami said...

hhmm..masa zaman sekolah2 saya tak perasan plak, maybe saya banyak cakap sgt sampai tak perasan keadaan sekeliling plus masa time budak2 nangoi2 yg berhingus idung nya.hehehehe..tapi one thing yg saya sangat PERASAN,masa time kita surat menyurat dulu2, dlm surat awak lebih banyak cerita compare bila kita face to face. awak rasa, kalo awak tak ada blog, awak akan tanya tak those people around you "am i that secretive?" are a good listener, but maybe you are not a good talker (ke salah opinion saya nih?hehehehe)saya pun cam Baizurah jugak, sebabnya masa time2 kat main campus tu kita cam dah jarang 'berkomunikasi',so bertambah2 lagi la saya tak perasan...and one more thing, saya sgt la tak pandai express my feelings through writing,ada benda lagi nak cakap tapi tak ter type kat sini.

uN said...

hm..sorry ayu..lamat bagik honest coment..but anyway, after jumpa awak ari tuh.. awak cuma nampak happy luaran, but not inside.. btul tak?? ur invisible bestfriend tuh masih bothering awakkan??..but then,trust ur instinct.. tak semestinya awak kene percaya orang lain..kan!!.. saya suka cara awak can avoid you daripada jadi lebih terluka dengan sikap orang lain..macam saya, saya lebih suka jadi a good listener daripada a good talker.. kekadang jela.. i think u better keep it that way kalo itu yang membuatkan awak happy..hidup nih mesti kene gembira kan??