Today..

:'(

:'(

:'(

I'm sending my thesis today.. should be happy, right?!!?!

-----------updated 2nd February 2007-----------

Just realized something yesterday.. I don't really trust people that much anymore :(

God, whats happening to me? These are the people I had once trusted my secrets with.. People I'd trust my life with.. yet..

I hate myself right now!

Hahah.. in roller coaster emotion mode here!

Anyway, last Wednesday nearly turned out to be an unlucky day for me. First, I had left my ancient mobile at the tennis court after going for a round of 'mari-pukul-bola-tennis' with Dgon who, btw had just arrived that morning. I remember going to the cafe afterwards WITHOUT my phone but only realized it was missing when I had arrived home to bathe. Had to rush back to the tennis court, and thankfully, since it IS ancient, no one wanted it haha.. so it was still safely where I had put it earlier.

Then I had gone to kak Win's house to go get some work Dr Meor wanted me to do. After the discussion, I went back to the campus, only to realize I had left my purse at kak Win's house. Shoot! Good thing there weren't any traffic policemen or I'd get yet another summon, huh! Had to ask help from Remy to drive me to kak Win's house to go fetch my purse.

The at night, I went to school as I had promised Dgon to go find something to eat. Turned out, even Ramadhan, Erwan and Remy wanted to go out so we decided to go out a bit late. When we were about to go, I decided to go to the ladies first and would you believe it, my matrics card.. the only thing that could permit me to enter this room FELL INTO THE TOILET! Aiyak.. of all things laaa.. and I thought I could keep it as a momento of my being here.. uwaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! Then I received an sms from Dr Meor who wanted me to finish up the analysis I had just received that afternoon by the next morning *gulp*

Some days, its just not worth getting outta bed, huh!

I'm bored

Haha.. like I said, I'm bored!

Its not that I've got nothing to do, I've got tons to do but I'm still bored! Still waiting for my hard cover thesis binding.. though thats supposed to good news eyh? Then my 'boss' told me to take a few days off while waiting for the equipment to arrive.. arrggh, mane tak boring!!

Know what I did? Haha.. went out to do these blogthingeys hehehe.. So here they are :)

Your Power Color Is Blue

Relationships and feelngs are the most important things to you. You are empathetic and accepting - and good at avoiding conflict. If someone close to you is in pain, it makes you hurt as well. You try to heal the ones you love with your kind and open heart.

What's Your Power Color?

Your Aura is Blue

Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart. You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone. Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

What Color Is Your Aura?

Haha.. I'm a great nurse huh? Psychologist, huh? Counselor? Macam keje orang baik² je hehe.. Whatever! But I DO like the colour blue so, ok la.. my aura is also blue.. NOT blue in the 'blue' way ok? I'm too pure for that haha.. But then again, 'good at avoiding conflict'? Hmm.. no comment..

Lets see the next one..

Your Scent is Rose

Delicate, feminine, and soft. Your personality is fresh and understated

What Scent Are You?

Wahahah.. 'Delicate, soft and feminine'? Anyone who knows me.. no wait! Let me rephrase that. EVERYONE who knows me are probably laughing their heads off.. I wish la! when I was little, I was always wishing I could be more feminie, but as I grew up, I get more clumsy everyday.. *sigh*

Bile la gaknye leh tengok the more feminine Ayu ye?

Your True Love Is a Cancer

Why you'll love a Cancer: Cancer's loyal and sincere heart makes your own sensitive heart melt. Caring and devoted, a Cancer will take the lead in pursuing you - and not give up! Why a Cancer will love you: You're laid back enough to deal with Cancer's little mood swings and freak-outs. A fellow homebody, you know how make Cancer comfortable and at home with you.

What Sign Is Your True Love?

Hehe.. was having fun trying THIS out! Waaa.. Cancer ek? "Loyal and sincere heart makes my own sensitive heart melt" <-- wow! "Caring and devoted.. take the lead and not give up" <-- *daydreaming now*! So to all single available guys born at the end of May to early June, I hereby call upon all of you hahah..

You Need to Grow Up a Little

You're definitely not a kid anymore, though sometimes it's hard to tell. Your life is somewhat adult, but chances are, you aren't really satisfied with it. Whether this means getting a better job or dumping a loser boyfriend... It's definitely time for you to start living a fully adult life.

Do You Need to Grow Up?

Aiseh! Hit me right on the face there.. yeah! Tak bagitau pun dah tau.. I HAVE TO GROW UP!!! Heheh..

You Are Spring!

Hopeful Playful Sweet Fresh Airy

What Season Are You?

Yeay!! I'm spring.. my favourite season of the year :) :) :) A season that symbolizes a new beginning after the great winter has passed. Full of flowers bursting with colours, fresh air, blue skies, yellow duckies bobbing in the pond, birds chirping loudly..

Opssss.. my 'boss' is calling me.. gtg!

My friend is getting married.. :)

Yesterday I got an sms from Toroque. He asked if I was going to a mutual friends wedding.. I was a bit surprised though as I had just YMed with that friend a few weeks ago and he didn't mention anything. Still, I'm glad for him, though a bit upset that he didn't invite me to it..

For a few friends (yup Sentot, that includes you and especially you la kot haha!!!) whom I know would be wondering about it, let me stress here: He is one of the good friends that I've had. We went to the same matriks centre but I didn't know him then. I only knew him at the end of my first year when we joined in PEWARIS and found him to be quite funny and pleasant to be around with.

In my second year, I realized he was among Toroque's and Yokies's housemates a.k.a good friends thus making him one of my good friends too as with Toroque and Yokies, I'll never run outta friends. They were always into motivational projects and all that, and these were the type of people who'd wanna do all this with their friends. By this, I had already labelled this friend as the matchmaker of the group :)

This was proven to me in my final year when he became the middleman between me and his friend after a bit of misunderstanding. Everyone else, even some friends whom I'm not that close to suddenly came to me and wanted me to proceed with this guy but it just didn't feel right and this friend was the only one who was willing to sit down with me and listen to all my reasons and explanations.. and I was grateful for at least having someone to listen since everywhere I went, people kept telling me to give it a go. I guess, it was after that that I started being close to him. I even warned him if he dared to matchmake me again, I was gonna force him to marry me haha..

Anyway, we kept in touch after finishing our degrees. We always kept ourselves updated on each others life, though he was the one who usually made the calls as I cruelly pointed out that he was the engineer and I was the penniless student haha.. He even disobeyed my 'orders' of not matchmaking me with anyone and tried again, only to be disappointed again haha.. padan muke! Dah cakap dah kaaann..

As a friend, he's ok. As a guy pun he's okay. I even tried to matchmake him with one of my best buddies but he wasn't interested though me and some of the others tried our best to get them together. Budak kecik Salam also wanted to matchmake him with his sister. So you can see what kind of person my friend here really is.. though he's also a not-so-failed product of religoius schools (look who's talking haha..!) but he's quite concerned in religious matters. He's a good listener, and could really make me laugh (unlike my other 'friend' [who btw has already married to.. dah ade anak pun] who couldn't understand when I told him he didn't have any humour in him as he didn't seem to find anything funny!). I liked being his friend.

Then one day, things got a bit sour between us. I became a bit annoyed with him at first and then he stopped calling me. Then, a few months later, he contacted me again but just as we were getting to be close, he annoyed me again about the same thing. This cycle repeated itself a few more times until one day, he got the others involved. Aiyak.. a bit bengang here already! Good thing I had good ol' Toroque on my side when the others weren't haha.. for quite a few month, I avoided those other friends :(

Anyway, yesterday, when Toroque smsed me, I was a bit surprised as just a few weeks ago, this friend had YMed me, asking if I was still mad at him. Hey, I could never really be mad at my friends for long, especially those I consider close to me so I told him that. We chatted a bit more but he never once told me he was getting married..

A bit hurt la jugak.. but who am I to feel hurt?

Still, I'm happy for him :) He deserves to be with someone better. His wife is lucky and I pray they'd have a whole lot of babies and be happy till the end of their days..

Which brings me to a question someone asked me yesterday: "Dia ni dah kawen.. dia tu plak dah ade anak sorang.. IM yang Ayu suke sangat dulu pun ntah² tgh tunggu hari je nak dapat anak jugak.. Ayu sebenarnye tunggu sape lagi?"

Frankly: I don't know!!!

Keep Holding On

You're not alone
together we stand
i'll be by your side
you know i'll take your hand
when it gets cold
and it feels like the end
theres no place to go you know I wont give in
no I wont give in.

Keep holding on
'cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
just stay strong
cause you know i'm here for you, i'm here for you
theres nothing you can say, nothing you can do
theres no other way when it comes to the truth
so keep holding on
cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through.

So far away I wish you were here
before it's too late this could all disapear
before the doors close, this comes to an end
but with you by my side I will fight and defend i'll fight and defend yeah yeah.

Keep holding on
'cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
just stay strong

cause you know i'm here for you, i'm here for you
theres nothing you can say, nothing you can do
theres no other way when it comes to the truth
so keep holding on
cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through.

Hear me when I say, when I say
I believe nothings gonna change, nothings gonna change destiny
what ever is ment to be
will work out perfectly yeah yeah yeah yeah
lalalalalalala...

Keep holding on
'cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
just stay strong
cause you know i'm here for you, i'm here for you
theres nothing you can say, nothing you can do
theres no other way when it comes to the truth
so keep holding on
cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through.

Keep holding on
'cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
just stay strong
cause you know i'm here for you, i'm here for you
theres nothing you can say, nothing you can do
theres no other way when it comes to the truth
so keep holding on
cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through.

Hmm.. very nice song.. meaningful too. Rugi dah tak leh bukak YouTube cari vc dia hehe..

Last Castle

I had nothing much to do last night. Went to kak Yun's house to return a book I had borrowed then I went back home and switched on the tv. The Gilmore Girls was on so I watched it. I used to never miss the Gilmore Girls but since I missed the first few episodes of this season, I have never really followed the series anymore but I could still understand the plot though. Nothing much different there since I last watched it.

Then after it had ended, I proceeded to read a book I had bought last week but then another tv drama was on. Nip/Tuck. Never really watched it before but I haven't missed the past three episodes. Still deciding if I'm gonna continue watching the series or not as its not as intruiging as Prison Break, CSI bla.. bla.. nor does it bring out the busybody in me like Desperate Housewives. But for now, I think its an ok series.

Then I switched off the tv, went to brush my teeth and wash my face and wanted to go asleep. However, as I've been having trouble sleeping these past few week, I was a bit frustrated when I realized I wasn't sleepy yet. I hate it when I'm not sleepy coz I'd be pondering on thoughts I'd rather push aside. Didn't help that I felt so alone last night after Elie had went to retire in her room.

So once again, I switched on the tube.

I had read in the papers that there was a midnight movie, The Last Castle. Wasn't really planning to watch that as if I'm not mistaken, this was already aired a few weeks ago and during that time, I had only watched the movie for the first 5 minutes and decided it was quite boring. However, the next day, Erwan (who does not really watch movies that much) told me he loved the movie and it had kept him awake since he wanted to know the ending of it. Still, didn't believe him much then haha..

But then, just my luck, there was nothing else on tv so as I was ready to switch off the tv, my hands once again pressed TV3. It was showing a scene where the main character, General Irwin, was meeting up with his daughter after he had entered prison. Remembering Erwan's word, I decided to give this movie another try..

Turns out, I forgot all about feeling down and lonely and was finding myself getting engrossed in the movie. I didn't watch it from the beginning so I had to quickly try understand what was going on.

Apparantly, it was about this high security prison for the U.S. Army offenders. Gen Irwin was 'admitted' into this facility on an offense I'm not sure of as I didn't watch the earlier part. He was known to most of these soldiers whether they were the prisoners or the guards. The warden, Colonel Winters was especially impressed with Irwin as Irwin has always been an example for the U.S. Army. However, this view changed when he found out Irwin did not share his opinion on how to run the prison.

Though during his job as the warden, there has been no escapes nor extreme fight where guards or prisoners were killed, he failed to gain the respect of the prisoners as he ruled with an iron fist (?). Irwin who has always been loyal to his men, always confronted Winters and criticizes his methods. To Irwin: once a soldier, always a soldier. So the pride of once being the servent of the U.S. Army should always stay in their hearts, though they are prisoners.

The problem was, Winters methods not only made them lose the pride of being in the army, but also the pride of being a human being as he made the prisoners see themselves as low lives. This changed when Irwin entered the jail and he repeatedly reminded the prisoners that they should have respect for themselves and never stain the name of the U.S. Army they once worked for.

One of the first scenes I managed to see that somehow touched me was when this Cpl. Ramon Aguilar met with Irwin. He stuttered a bit when he talked, already making us feel a bit sorry for him before we even saw how lowly he saw himslef. Then Irwin asked him how many years did he serve the army which he answered 2 years. And how long was the duration of his wrong doing that made him be sent there and he answered it was a 5 second moment of anger. So Irwin told him,"From my calculations, you're more a soldier!" which made Aguilar happy.

He asked Aguilar why they kept raising their hands and holding their hair so Aquilar explained, they were not allowed to salute in the prison and would be punished if they did, so this was what they did as means of a salute. However, Irwin told him to have pride in the salute and told him about the history of the salute which I didn't even know until yesterday. This led to Aquilar being punished to stand in the yard while raising his hand in a salute all night after Winters saw him saluting.

You sympathize him when you saw him standing in the rain, shivering. When the morning horn was sounded, Aguilar wanted to go back but was ordered to continue his punishment. However, Irwin interfered by stopping the guard with his hand and telling Winters that the regulations of the prison was that no punishment exceeded the morning horn. This however, led to his own punishment of moving rocks. You'd feel very mad when Winters ordered Irwin to still continue moving rocks, though he had already finished his pile, till the evening horn.

But this made him gain the respect of the other prisoners, so slowly he installed the pride back into them. This was clearly seen when Aguilar, who had always been picked by the other prisoners became more confident in himself and when the guards wanted to destroy a wall the prisoners had made together, he defied orders and stood in front of the bulldozer which ended in him being shot by a guard.

However, this just made the prisoners even more determine to topple Winters as the warden. They didn't mind being in prison as they knew they had done wrong, but they didn't want him as the warden.

At the end of it, the prisoners took over the prison. Yates, a prisoner who was once sceptical, in the end was the one who stole the American flag to be raised upside down to show that the prison was out of control and needed help from outside.

In the end, it was revealed that Irwin even gained the respect of the guards. They did not obey Winters orders to shoot him so Winters took matter into his own hands as Irwin tried to raise the flag as they had planned. However, the true soldier in Irwin also emerged to show how much he respects the flag as he didn't raise it upside down at all.

Haha.. I'm not a good story teller here but you gotta see it to believe it. I won't mind watching it again :)

Faraway

Just came back from my class in Parit Buntar. I really wanted to go home but I dunno how I ended up going to the school.

Anyway, on the radio was the US Top 40s hosted by Ryan Seacrest. Sometimes I do listen to it but most of the time I don't have a radio nearby. however, these are one of the days when I got to listen to it.

At that time, he was announcing the 11th song of the week. Turned out to be a favourite song of me and Izati's when I thought this song was long gone from the charts haha..

I don't remember when I first heard this song. It must be from a caller ringtone or something coz I only knew the chorus at first. But when fly.FM kept playing this song, I started to like this song.

Izati at first wasn't intereseted in this song and whenever it was played on my cd player, she's skip the song. So to annoy her, I'd repeat the song on and on so she was forced to listen to me sing it (off-key, no less haha..) on top of my voice..

Soon, she grew to like this song too and we always compete with each other on who sings the loudest whenever we're together in the car hehe.. Now SHE'S the one who'd repeat this song over and over again, and even when I ask her nicely if she'd please change to another song, she'd turn a deaf ear..

So this is for my sister :)

NICKELBACK LYRICS

"Far Away"

This time, This place

Misused, Mistakes

Too long, Too late

Who was I to make you wait

Just one chance

Just one breath

Just in case there's just one left

'Cause you know,you know, you know

[CHORUS]

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming you'll be with me

and you'll never go

Stop breathing if

I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask

Last chance for one last dance

'Cause with you, I'd withstand

All of hell to hold your hand

I'd give it all

I'd give for us

Give anything but I won't give up

'Cause you know,you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away

Been far away for far too long

So far away

Been far away for far too long

But you know, you know, you know

I wantedI wanted you to stay

'Cause I needed

I need to hear you say

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I forgive you

For being away for far too long

So keep breathing

'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore

Believe it

Hold on to me and, never let me go

Keep breathing

'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore

Believe it

Hold on to me and, never let me go

Keep breathing

Hold on to me and, never let me go

Keep breathing

Hold on to me and, never let me go

My young chargers Pt.2

The reason I came to school on this weekend was because my 2.45pm class has been cancelled since my student couldn't come. So instead of waiting till 4.30pm for my next class, I thought of coming here to finish my report for Dr Razip. However, I'm feeling abit lazzzzzzyyy hahah.. so here I am, writing about something that I've been meaning to write about but haven't got the time before..

Conversations in the final week of teaching my intensive class for Form 5.

Earlier in the week
My form 5 class was in its usual chaotic environment, with the students being hyperactive wanting more and more exercises (which I'm very glad for even if I was feeling a bit dizzy with their, "Cikgu, nak tanye!".. "Cikgu, betul tak saya buat ni?".. "Cikgu, macam lawak ja jawapan saya ni.. betoi dak?") and their teacher still not quite well from the annoying fever she just had. Wanting to make them a bit quiet since I was having a headache, I thought of chatting with them a bit.

Me : Korang dah ade plan ke lepas SPM?
Whole class: gsjakfsahkv kjvklsgh gjglkjdf
Me : Aiyak, sorang² la cakap. Akak sakit kepale ni..
Hana: Saya nak sambung amik engineering, kak!
Hani: Hang bukan nak jadi lawyer ka?
Hana: Tukaq²..
Anith: Saya tak tau lagi, tapi USM bes ke kak?
Me: Jangan la tanya akak, konpem la akak bias..

And the conversation went on until..

Aiman: Cikgu, tanak dengar ke plan saya?
Me: Ape dia Aiman?
Aiman: Saya lepas ni nak masuk matrik, pastu masuk U..
Me: Ok la tu.. U mane?
Aiman: Kejap la cikgu, saya tak abis cakap lagi ni..
Me: Ooo.. ok.. ok.. teruskan..
Aiman: Pastu mesti saya dapat keje bagus kan?

I didn't want to burst his bubble telling him even graduates find it hard getting good jobs!

Aiman: Pastu umur 24, saya nak kawen!!!
Me: Aik.. detail nye plan. Dah ade calon ke?
Hana: Ada ka orang nak kat hang?
Shahrul: Calon dia lagi ramai dari hang la, Hana!
Aiman: Hangpa diam la, aku nak jawab soalan cikgu ni..
Me: Ok, jawab la hehe..
Aiman: Tadak lagi cikgu, tapi kan, mesti la umo 24 saya dah ada kan?

At that, I wanted to laugh but just kept a straight face la.. ok la, not really straight face. I was smiling, trying my best not to laugh.

Me: Kenape 24?
Aiman: Sebab umo tu macam sesuai je, cikgu..
Me: Kenape tak 25?
Aiman: Hmm.. bleh gak, tapi macam dah tua la cikgu.. dah lambat!

Ok, now I was hoping they didn't know I was 26 hahah..

Me: Kenape tak 26?
Aiman: Ish cikgu ni.. klau 26 tak kawen lagi, makna nya TAK DAK HARAPAN dah tu..

Cesss.. Had to pretend I wasn't offended haha.. But I laughed at how naive they were!

Then, at the final intensive class for them
My voice was nearly non-existant at this time so just gave them some exercises, avoiding having to talk loudly. But being me, I couldn't stand not talking at all, thus..

Me: Korang lahir tahun berape ye?
Hana: 1990
Hani: Tapi Anith tahun 1991
Me: Kenape Anith?
Anith: Saya lompat kelas cikgu..
Haziq: Hang muda dari aku ka? Aku ingat tua lagi..
Anith: Hang diam laa..
Me: Korang tau tak, korang betul² mude 10 tahun dari akak?
Haziq & Hana & Hani: Haaaa.. dah kategori mak cik ke?
Me: Oiiiitt, mude lagi la..
Shahrul: Leh panggil mak cik ke?
Nabil: Aunty la.. aunty.. bunyi sedap skit..
Me: Oittt.. orang mude lagi la.. tak nampak ke?

And we were laughing about it with them teasing me on how ancient I was. But all the while, Aiman was silent, while giving me his devillish smiles.. Feeling something come up..

Me: Aiman, kenape diam?
Aiman: Takde ape, cikgu
Me: Akak tak caye.. baik cakap!
Aiman: Takde.. heheheh.. patut la cikgu tanye pasal kawen umo 26 ari tu ye.. Cikgu ni yang takde harapan la tu ye..
Me: Aimaaaaaaaaaaaaann!!!

I thought he had forgotten about THAT conversation and couldn't help laughing along with them when they started asking me about it haha..

At the end of the class..

Aiman: Cikgu, saya tarik balik lah.. cikgu ade harapan la
Me: Nak bodek akak la tu..
Aiman: Kang tak berkat plak cikgu ajar saya. Takpe, saya doa cikgu kawen cepat ye..

Hahah.. I really miss those guys. And I hope for the best for them :)

For Jida..

Hey girl.. was reading your blog on this entry! P la tengok cita tu, Jida.. best! I wanted to go watch again but didn't have the chance to do so. Right now, I'm waiting for the cd. Its one of the malay movies that deserves to be mentioned :)

ever wonder why some things hurt us so much..

Its the people we love most who are capable to hurt us the most..
so..not to love someone too deep, so you won't get hurt too bad in return?

I got this from your blog. I've been thinking of answering your last question there but I haven't really got the time to sit down and write it out.. but today's a different story so here goes:

When someone you really care for, hurts you either intentionally or not, you'd get really upset or broken hearted or whatever other appropriate words that could explain it. You'd be thinking and thinking all about it. You wonder on why it could happen, what did you do wrong or how it turned that way.. You wish you hadn't done whatever it is that had made that person hurt you because all the while in your mind, you know this person wasn't supposed to intentionally hurt you.. but thats why the pain is felt so much more. Because sometimes you forget, this person is not perfect.. just like you. Still, it bothers you. Effects your everyday life.. sometimes might even make you go crazy with all the what's and why's.

When someone whose just another somebody hurts you, yes, you might still feel hurt, but its just a what-did-I-do-this-time kinda hurt. It won't leave you sleepless at night. It won't make you feel even the slighest rush of emotions except maybe a tiny bit of wanting to make things better between the two of you, especially if you're colleagues or something. And more often than not, the issue would be resolved in a matter of hours.. its because you're more rational here and know, you're wasting time to keep feeling resentful.

When someone you hate hurts you, you get annoyed. Maybe very annoyed, or maybe slightly annoyed. And you tell yourself, "To hell la with you!" And instantly you feel better haha..

So, the conclusion is:

Somebody you care + hurts you = Sleepless nights, pondering thoughts, emotions going haywire, tears duct that seem to have been punctured or something, sometimes forgetting to live

Somebody you think is ok la + hurts you = "C'mon, lets be friends! Besides, we've got things to do anyway so lets be professional"

Somebody you hate + hurts you = "Bah! I've already hated you in the first place, anyway!"

So Jida, get my point? :) Well, thats what I feel la.. dunno bout others.. so we can say, don't get too close, don't start caring.. the safe side is in the middle :)

Anyway, Jida.. good news for everyone too here.. I think its time I bought a new phone (can see you rolling eyes here)! W/pun tadek duit lagi, but I CAN daydream right? Since you've always been one of the people who are always asking about the condition of my phones, any suggestions?

Lagi satu, bila nak ajak saya pi umah baru awak aaaaah?

"Rasional dalam emosi"

I was online with Sob, an old friend when suddenly he typed out on the IM window, "Boleh tahan.. Rational dalam emosi"

For a while, I was really confused.

I asked him to explain but he just laughed. It was towards the end of our conversation that I realized I had given him the url to my Yahoo! 360 blog. Trying my best to remember what I had written while he teased me, I smiled to myself, knowing how these old friends of mine really see me haha..

They've always known I'm a bit over sensitive. Ok la.. maybe more than 'a bit'! I've even had Yokies say to me, "Hang ni sensitip bukan²!" once when he was exasperated with my whinings on something I've forgotten.. which btw, made me laugh at the way he said it and forget totally about being sensitive.

Truth is, I'm sometimes tired about this trait of me myself, and its not really fair to say I can't help it. I'm sure I could if I tried so I guess it just means I don't try hard enough. However, these recent years have taught me to ignore any initial upset feeling and to be only truly upset when its a bit too much. So most of the time now, if I'm upset, I just pretend to not care.. but THEY know me haha!

Another thing is that I've learnt to vent all my frustrations in my blogs. Thats why I have two major blogs for different set of friends. For example, if I wanna write about something I don't want this group to know, I'll write it in a the blog they don't know exists or even if they do, they really seldom go there. Like when I was upset about my friends pairing me up with another old friend without my knowledge (as if I'd agree even if I knew pun laa..), I wrote about it here as they only know my Yahoo blog.

However, in Sob's case, I didn't know which address to give him so I gave him my Yahoo one. Turned out, I had just recently written an emotional entry, thus the 'rasional dalam emosi' comment he gave me.. When I had reread what I had written, I laughed out loud, knowing that they had always believed I'm not capable of other feelings than being emotionally unstable haha..

So for this case, though some people would be offended, I'll take it as a compliment! :)

Ye Sob, kawan awak ni dah dewase laaaaaaaaa.. :D

Surat untuk Ina..

InaMPP (12/30/2006 7:08:09 PM): really? saya dah banyak kali mimpi awak tau
InaMPP (12/30/2006 7:08:24 PM): awak nampak sedih sgt, pastu kurus betul
InaMPP (12/30/2006 7:08:28 PM): risau saya

Assalamualaikum

Hi Ina.. how are you? Hope you're fine.. and hope you don't mind me 'stealing' your picture from your Friendster to paste here. Its been a long time since we last met face to face huh? Must be more than 3 years now.

I'm wondering, you still going to Medan for your HO? When will that be? Wanna come here, spend some time with us? Afizal ade anak dah, I pun tak tengok lagi hehe.. Selalu gak kene marah ngan dia sebab tak pernah pegi rumah dah eversince dia got married.

Anyway, I got this offline message a few days ago and for a while, terdiam jugak la. But before that, hahah, nampak kurus ye in your dream? Hahah.. I wish! You haven't met me eversince I gained the 10kg 3 years ago kan? Well, I've lost a few pounds, not that much la.. but its a loss all the same hehe.. Especially during my two-week fever that I've just got ridden off. Sangat leceh demam di hujung tahun sampai awal tahun. Leceh lagi not having Dr Ina around :) Still, you'd see me chubbier than you have ever seen me :p

But for the sedih part, I wonder how THAT got into your dream..

Truth is, I've been down in the dumps these past few weeks. There have been so much on my mind and I wish I could talk to someone. I feel as if there's this lump in my throat that keeps turning at every sign of emotion and I feel like crying even in public whenever I feel this way..

When I first got my date for viva, the first thought that crossed my mind was, "Gosh, I'm finally gonna leave this place." I felt a bit sad, I've grown to love this place and almost everyone in it. I kept thinking of the things I'd miss and the things that'll be the hardest to leave. But then again, life goes on so I told myself, "Ayu, enjoy your last days here to the fullest. Your days here are numbered so don't waste those days by thinking of what you'd miss, its better to just create even more memories that you'd be happy to cherish!"

But I didn't expect to suddenly feel as if I really wanna get outta this place ASAP. Really sudden. There are not many things in my life that I'm confident about, so this felt as if the most stable thing in my life has been taken away from me. For a very long time, I was astounded. Surprised when things weren't exactly as they had seemed to be.. even to this very second, I'm still in disbelief. And I didn't really expect it to hurt so much.. Its not that I'm not trying to forget and ognore it but I just can't. And I'm just afraid, I'll be feeling this way until I'm outta here.. :(

Thats why I'm sad..

I mean, I know that it doesn't take much to upset me. Hahah, you know how overly sensitive I am. Especially living with my father, whom btw, I still love very much despite his tendency to upset me with his control over my life. But its not THAT easy to really hurt me. I remember only 3 more occasions where I've really felt hurt. The first when I was smaller and my bestfriend told me I was not fit to be her bestfriend anymore after obtaining only 3As in the UPSR (which I was already upset about, considering I was among the higest scorers before.. for years I felt as if I was not fit to be anyone's friend), the second one when we knew that Abah had lied to us about his other wife (still hurts but we're a family now.. and I love my sister! You just gotta meet her, Ina!) and third when me and IM ceased to be friends.

And it doesn't really feel comfortable pondering on these thought.. you know what I mean, kan.

Well, thats not really the reason, but because of this, I've started to think on all the things I'd miss here and on the fact that, hey, I'm gonna hafta REALLY be in charge of life from now on (if my father permits la.. even now he's demanding I pursue a PhD). I'm an adult.. haha, THAT's intimidating!

You know, you've always seemed to mature, eversince our matriks days. I remember being a bit 'afraid' of you in KMK but it turned out, we are almost the same 'crazy' person. Our love of laughter, and books, and talking.. you even know what kinda movies I'd enjoy. But still, you manage to display the adult you on the outside.. Me? I don't even understand the concept of being an adult haha..

Know something, I can't really seem to envision myself in the next 5 years. Even for the next 6 months pun tak boleh. Hahah, still quite blur la..

But there's one thing I know, I wanna get outta here FAST! I love this place though, there's so much to love about it though I've been complaining about it eversince I set foot here. It won't be much to say, these are among the best years of my life, as a student here from my 1st year till now. In fact, once upon a time ago, I had thought of teaching here but right now I'm just not quite sure.

So Ina, pray for me will ya? That I'll get to go outta here or if I have to stay, I'd readily accept it as the fate bestowed on me by Him. Or if I have to go somewhere outta place, like KUKUM (marah orang KUKUM nanti haha..), let me accept that too (even klau bleh tanaaaak laaa..)..

Ok la Ina, I'm hungry and wanna go grab some lunch now. If you're back in Malaysia, tell me, then we'd go book hunting. I've never gone book hunting with you, kan, though you've suggested a lot of books that I end up enjoying. Pastu kite g tengok movie Cinta, bes! Heheh..

Btw, whats with your blog. Sunyi sepi je sekarang.. if you update, do tell me, k.

You take care of yourself, Ina. Miss you! Wassalam.

Your friend,
Ayu

My new years day..

Yesterday was the first of January for the new year of 2007. I wasn't planning on doing anything as I had first thought I'd be home during this time..

Anyway, the day before, kak Yun moaned about having nothing to do so she asked if I wanted to go catch a movie. Thinking it would be a good idea, I agreed. We managed to ask Ramlah along too as she didn't go home for the holidays too.

That morning I woke up late. Not really woke up late, more like woke up early but too lazy enough to get up from the couch (I was sleeping on the couch because of my coughing fits, it felt a bit more comfortable out here in the living room). I was in between reading a book I had borrowed from kak Yun, switching the tv on and off and smsing Syafik (my student last year) on our lunch 'date' haha.. It was supposed to be between me, Syafik, Syawal and Azri but Syawal couldn't be contacted so I decided to drag Ramlah along as she's been taking over my class whenever I couldn't attend so my students here know her.

Lunch time found me and the three of them at KFC in Parit Buntar. However, after discussing with them, we decided to go to Pizza Hut across the street. Syafik and Azri were suddenly very shy, prompting me to scold them in my not-back-to-normal-yet voice so before long, they lost that sense of 'shyness' in favour of lauging at my voice.

Now let me explain first. Syawal, Syafik and Azri were among my favourite students last year, not that its good to have favourites haha.. They're the type who love challenges every now and then, with Azri leading in every challenge. I could give them any type of assignment and though they'd groan, they were usually the only ones in class who'd complete those tasks. They were also quite close to me, thus the 'kak Ayu kena belanja kami sebab dapat A' project!

I had a fun time poking fun at little Azri who's only at my ear height (thats a lot to say about him, as I'm only 150cm tall) and who has fingers as long as mine but a much smaller palm making his hands seem so small and cute. Then talking to Syafik about his family who are going to France for 3 years since his father is attached to the Malaysian embassy over there. He looked a bit sad but with typical boyish trait when he refused to look me in the eye when he talked about his family. I just have to understand how he misses his family, added to the fact he's leaving his friends here and going to school near his aunt's in Perlis.

Then, after parting ways and promising to not lose contact, we headed to Ramlah's house to pray and get ready to go out with kak Yun. By then, Yun had called me and wanted to join in the movies so we promised to meet her at Megamall. Then we went with kak Yun to Kamdar where she wanted to buy some curtains for her new home. It was only after 6 that we headed to Megamall to meet Yun.

Arriving at Megamall, we headed to Popular first as me and Ramlah needed to find books for our classes. It felt a bit funny to go buy secondary school book as its nearly 10 years since I last wore a school uniform. Then, after paying, we met up with Yun and went to McD at the floor below us. Its been a long time since I last ate McDs hehe..

After filling up our tummies, me and kak Yun went to pray, while Yun who had already prayed went with Ramlah browsing the shops nearby. After praying, once again we went into Popular to find cards for kak Zura and kak Wahid. Seeing there was still another half our before the movies, we just went round aimlessly before deciding to just go up to the cinema. Halfway there, there was this stall selling costume jewelleries. Yun and Ramlah were looking at these necklaces that to me, more resembled Christmas tree ornaments haha.. Me and kak Yun bought these pearl bracelets, quite similar though I must insist I saw it first haha..

Then, realizing we only had 5 minutes left, we rushed to the movies which btw is The Night at The Museum (again?). I had fun pretending to spoil it for everyone and I'm glad they enjoyed it as much as I did before. In fact, I was surprised to find myself laughing just as much :)

We arrived home around 12.15am and me and Yun didn't even get the chance to chat before sleeping as we were both fast asleep in a matter of minutes :)

Well, that was what I did physically on new years day. Emotionally was a different story altogether..

A few days ago, I was browsing through my blog in search of my entry on Serendipity. Then I came across my entry on new years day last year. I felt a lump on my throat as I read what I had written. It seemed like a totally different person writing there.

It seemed so optimistic. So sure that the year would bring on so many good things.. still, in a way, maybe it did.

This girl has FINALLY submitted her thesis. Something she never thought would happen haha.. and she's glad. She's been putting it off for so long, trying her best to pretend she doesn't care about the thesis at all but then again, who wouldn't care for something they've slave over for more than two years???

And to think that she's already had her viva. A 45-minute struggle with the best in the field and right now has just finished her corrections *big smile*. Haven't really officially graduated but come this August, I'll be smiling a whole lot more than I was after my viva, I think hehe..

And about her family, they're finally accepting what has happened. Though understandably, we won't really fully accept 100% about why Abah did this, at least now we're starting to be a family once more. She loves her step sister to bits and is glad for the distraction of a baby in the family.

Then there's the story about IM. She's been losing herself in this dream for years now. Even her friends are sick of it. But then, mid year, she got news about his marriage. Though devastated at first, she found herself astonished at how quickly she got over it. She thought it'd take another 3 years but it didn't even take 3 weeks.. okay, I might be lying a bit here.. lets say, 3 months! And this is all thanks to a few angels she has met along the way through her life :)

Oo.. c'mon guys! Gimme some credit here!!! I honestly haven't even thought of him for months now, and it surprises even me. Like I once said, I guess its been to long already. I regret losing the friendship though.. it was one of my most cherished ones. But then again, life's a lesson, huh? He taught me to love (tetibe rase tickeled haha..), didn't he.. I don't know what I thought him though, except the 'stay away from emotional girls' lesson haha.. I sincerely hope he's happy and wish for all the best in his life. Cross my heart :)

Hmm.. what else is there?

Well, here's a bit of what I wrote at the end of my new year entry last year..

"But well, changes are inevitable and thats life! I hope this new year brings much more, not only to me and my family, but to everyone out there. I hope we'd appreciate the little things in life that makes it more meaningful and may all of us recognize all the blessing in disguise before we start resenting everything.. and may, in the end, we emerge a better person!

Hmmm.. wonder what's in store for 2006?"

Well, at least I know now what was in store for me..

A few weeks ago, talking to Toroque, he commented on how everything my life seems to go in place now. My family is fine, I'm over IM and I was finally (at that time la) going to have my viva. I remember his words..

"Hang perasan tak, sekarang ni, semua benda dalam hidup hang falling into place? Selalu macam tu la, when one piece is stable, the others would follow suit.. Aku yakin, hang akan happy sangat² pas ni.. hang tengok la nanti. Trust me. Percaya la cakap aku.."

Wish it was true..

Truth is, the end-of-year-blues is really getting to me. Its even turning into a start-of-year-blues. My mind keeps reeling back to things I don't think I should think about. I don't even understand why my mind keeps dwelling on these thoughts.

Like yesterday, though my day was filled with all sorts of activities, whenever that was even a fraction of a second my mind wandered off, I'd be feeling as if I wanted to cry. I hate feeling this way but it seems as if my head has a mind of its own and insists on thinking things its own way..

Like I said, the optimistic girl last year is not the same as the girl standing here right now. Somehow, something's missing.. and trying to understand things just give me a headache. All I want right now is to get the hell away from here and start somewhere. Let me make new memories as I've found out, not all old memories could be cherished, even if they're happy ones. Its sad to think that you're afraid to remember those happy times cause you're afraid to feel hurt.. even sadder to think that its only a fraction of the year that hurts you, yet right now, thats all you can think of.. sad and pathetic if you ask me!!!! Go get a life la, girl haha..

Great way to start the year, huh?

Well, friends.. pray for me please! Pray that I'll understand and clearly see the path that has been set from me since before birth by Him. Pray that its His will that I will always want, and not my own stupid dreams and hopes. Pray that I'll accept everything and understand that everything happens for a reason. Like a young friend once reminded me, "God works in mysterious ways", so let me accept the mysteries handed down to me, and make me enjoy those surprises every now and then, be it pleasant (of course I'd enjoy it) or not (at least, enjoy to learn the lesson it gives..)..

Hope you guys have a great year ahead too :)

So lets see, what would this year bring to all of us, eyh!