Thursday, January 04, 2007
Surat untuk Ina..
InaMPP (12/30/2006 7:08:09 PM): really? saya dah banyak kali mimpi awak tau
InaMPP (12/30/2006 7:08:24 PM): awak nampak sedih sgt, pastu kurus betul
InaMPP (12/30/2006 7:08:28 PM): risau saya
Hi Ina.. how are you? Hope you're fine.. and hope you don't mind me 'stealing' your picture from your Friendster to paste here. Its been a long time since we last met face to face huh? Must be more than 3 years now.
I'm wondering, you still going to Medan for your HO? When will that be? Wanna come here, spend some time with us? Afizal ade anak dah, I pun tak tengok lagi hehe.. Selalu gak kene marah ngan dia sebab tak pernah pegi rumah dah eversince dia got married.
Anyway, I got this offline message a few days ago and for a while, terdiam jugak la. But before that, hahah, nampak kurus ye in your dream? Hahah.. I wish! You haven't met me eversince I gained the 10kg 3 years ago kan? Well, I've lost a few pounds, not that much la.. but its a loss all the same hehe.. Especially during my two-week fever that I've just got ridden off. Sangat leceh demam di hujung tahun sampai awal tahun. Leceh lagi not having Dr Ina around :) Still, you'd see me chubbier than you have ever seen me :p
But for the sedih part, I wonder how THAT got into your dream..
Truth is, I've been down in the dumps these past few weeks. There have been so much on my mind and I wish I could talk to someone. I feel as if there's this lump in my throat that keeps turning at every sign of emotion and I feel like crying even in public whenever I feel this way..
When I first got my date for viva, the first thought that crossed my mind was, "Gosh, I'm finally gonna leave this place." I felt a bit sad, I've grown to love this place and almost everyone in it. I kept thinking of the things I'd miss and the things that'll be the hardest to leave. But then again, life goes on so I told myself, "Ayu, enjoy your last days here to the fullest. Your days here are numbered so don't waste those days by thinking of what you'd miss, its better to just create even more memories that you'd be happy to cherish!"
But I didn't expect to suddenly feel as if I really wanna get outta this place ASAP. Really sudden. There are not many things in my life that I'm confident about, so this felt as if the most stable thing in my life has been taken away from me. For a very long time, I was astounded. Surprised when things weren't exactly as they had seemed to be.. even to this very second, I'm still in disbelief. And I didn't really expect it to hurt so much.. Its not that I'm not trying to forget and ognore it but I just can't. And I'm just afraid, I'll be feeling this way until I'm outta here.. :(
Thats why I'm sad..
I mean, I know that it doesn't take much to upset me. Hahah, you know how overly sensitive I am. Especially living with my father, whom btw, I still love very much despite his tendency to upset me with his control over my life. But its not THAT easy to really hurt me. I remember only 3 more occasions where I've really felt hurt. The first when I was smaller and my bestfriend told me I was not fit to be her bestfriend anymore after obtaining only 3As in the UPSR (which I was already upset about, considering I was among the higest scorers before.. for years I felt as if I was not fit to be anyone's friend), the second one when we knew that Abah had lied to us about his other wife (still hurts but we're a family now.. and I love my sister! You just gotta meet her, Ina!) and third when me and IM ceased to be friends.
And it doesn't really feel comfortable pondering on these thought.. you know what I mean, kan.
Well, thats not really the reason, but because of this, I've started to think on all the things I'd miss here and on the fact that, hey, I'm gonna hafta REALLY be in charge of life from now on (if my father permits la.. even now he's demanding I pursue a PhD). I'm an adult.. haha, THAT's intimidating!
You know, you've always seemed to mature, eversince our matriks days. I remember being a bit 'afraid' of you in KMK but it turned out, we are almost the same 'crazy' person. Our love of laughter, and books, and talking.. you even know what kinda movies I'd enjoy. But still, you manage to display the adult you on the outside.. Me? I don't even understand the concept of being an adult haha..
Know something, I can't really seem to envision myself in the next 5 years. Even for the next 6 months pun tak boleh. Hahah, still quite blur la..
But there's one thing I know, I wanna get outta here FAST! I love this place though, there's so much to love about it though I've been complaining about it eversince I set foot here. It won't be much to say, these are among the best years of my life, as a student here from my 1st year till now. In fact, once upon a time ago, I had thought of teaching here but right now I'm just not quite sure.
So Ina, pray for me will ya? That I'll get to go outta here or if I have to stay, I'd readily accept it as the fate bestowed on me by Him. Or if I have to go somewhere outta place, like KUKUM (marah orang KUKUM nanti haha..), let me accept that too (even klau bleh tanaaaak laaa..)..
Ok la Ina, I'm hungry and wanna go grab some lunch now. If you're back in Malaysia, tell me, then we'd go book hunting. I've never gone book hunting with you, kan, though you've suggested a lot of books that I end up enjoying. Pastu kite g tengok movie Cinta, bes! Heheh..
Btw, whats with your blog. Sunyi sepi je sekarang.. if you update, do tell me, k.
You take care of yourself, Ina. Miss you! Wassalam.