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Thursday, February 15, 2007

Spoilt for choices.. or follow what my head tells me to?


Yesterday, I came to school <--skema²!

Okay.. lets start differently. During my masters, I kept hoping to finish it quickly, and be happy about it. I was anticipating the day when I'd be free of any thinking.. turns out, even when I've finished, I'm still required to think A LOT haha..

For weeks, I had my mind made up. I wanted to get outta here. Go and teach somewhere or maybe apply for the ASTS and hope to be sent someplace far away from here, at least for the moment. I know, I've been saying this alot, but I have my reasons why I don't wanna stay here anymore..

I had already updated my resume, photocopied the appropriate certificates I might need and even filled in the ASTS form (halfway through la tapi hehe..). Even prep-talked to myself to accept whatever place God puts me in.. I've also passed my address book around to my 'family' here, just in case I might just one day disappear from here!

The idea of getting away from a place so familiar is quite frightening but its what I have to do. Yes, I can stay, try get some work here (there's a job waiting anyway, though its only on contract basis), but I think (or thought) this is the best for me, at least for the time being. So these days, I find myself trying to be excited of the prospect of getting outta here.. even if once upon a time I go, I didn't really wanna do that.. :(

Then, last week, I finally (or so I thought) accepted that it was better for me to go. Staying here actually hurts haha.. I called up my friend and told her that I was finally submitting my resume to her, then called another little friend, assuring him I'm posting my resumes to all the places I had promised him, just so they won't feel worried much. Knowing they they were happy with this decision I made, also made ME happy!

Then, yesterday as I went outta the toilet, guess who I met. The greatest mentor I ever had, Dr Farhan! He was just opening the door to his room when I passed by. Well, it isn't that I was avoiding him, but I didn't actually wanna see him as he's been asking about my plans after submitting. I've always known him as a very concerned supervisor, therefore I respect him a lot. I know he means well. He volunteered to be my referee if I wanted to apply for ASTS. Also offered the job I mentioned earlier to both me and Erwan. I didn't have any absolute answers for him yet, thats why I didn't actually wanna see him..

When I saw him, I didn't have any place to run. I couldn't possibly run back into the toilet so I decided to give him a smile then rush to the post grad room. However, he had his own plans and called me hahah.. tak bley lari la jawabnye..

He asked about his copy of my thesis and I told him I'd get it for him as it was in the room. He then told me to go get it and come see him, he said he had things to discuss.

O-oh, I thought.. not another, 'what-are-you-gonna-do' question..

Turns out, he had a PhD topic for me. Didn't quite expect that as I thought he wanted to ask about my plans. He already had a grant for this research and asked me if I was interested. I tried to make an indifferent expression as I had just convinced myself that I didn't wanna stay here but I guess he pretended to not notice.. or maybe I was the bad actress?

It was an interseting topic, a topic he knew I'd like. To my surprise, he also gave me a few papers for me to read, maybe to get me warmed up to the idea of this research. I still haven't touched the papers yet, but they seem to be screaming at me, asking me to read them. He assured me that since he already had the grant, I didn't have to worry about the allowances.. and THAT is tempting!

Why?

Coz, I DO plan to pursue a PhD, but I had told myself, not yet! Still, this offer is quite good. I DON'T have to think about a topic, he's already given me one. Its even something I like to do. The scope of the research is already given to me which makes my job easier (I hope!) and I won't have to worry about finding for finances during my study (which is usually the biggest problem!)

I could reject this offer, but the next time, I might have to find my own topic like most people. Then, there'd be the question of fundings..

I could accept, but how about my resolve to get outta here? I have my reasons for wanting to get outta here ASAP too.. but my future out there is still quite hazy.. and I might land in a job I dislike! But at least, I'd gain some experience, right?

But still, I'm gonna have to pursue my PhD sooner or later.. right?

Yet, I'd might need a short rest after completing my masters.. and what better way it is than to go find anther job SOMEWHERE else?

Arrrggghhhh!!! What am I supposed to do?

One thing for sure, I'm NOT telling Abah coz I know what he'd want me to do, and I know I'm gonna have to do it. Let it be my choice this time.. and yet, I can't think!

*sigh*

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