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Friday, February 09, 2007

How blind I was..

"Liar.. Liar! Pants on fire!"

Haha.. what childish taunts could do when we were smaller, huh?

I'm sure most of us have seen the image above. Different things that can be seen when viewed differently.. or like they always say, there are two sides of every story. But most of the time, people only listen to the first version that usually determines their view of the second version which they'd probably accept half heartedly. Its how the world works..

Once, I had believed in that too.. that to be heard, maybe you should be the first to speak up! That is, until I realized how unfair it really is, especially when it happens to you (baru sedaq diri la kononnya niii..). Thats why, most of the time, I prefer to keep quiet about it.. and when I say, I didn't tell anyone about it, I really mean it..

I just got to know something.. and though I know that I should be mad, I'm still shocked at it. It started harmlessly enough. In fact, I was actually laughing about it at first when suddenly.. a slip of the tongue or fingers (depending on chatting one-on-one or online hehe..) or maybe a wrongly sent sms/email or maybe a sudden comment from the happy-go-lucky person that was followed with a dreadful silence and a hastily changed subject.. or maybe even all! It made everything click..

I had promised someone to NOT.. NEVER suspect my friends of anything. I had promised someone I'd trust them with their words. I had promised that no matter how suspiscious I feel, I'd NEVER give in to the need to accuse anyone of anything, in fact, its just the ugly side of me on wanting to blame someone so I should get rid of it. However..

Like someone once told me, God works in mysterious ways. Maybe He wanted me to know.. :'(

I had frantically wanted to believe in the little things. The small, "I didn't tell!". The hope that everyone wishes everything to be better too.. but it turned out to be lies. I didn't realize how upset I was until it finally registered in my head on how blind I was. How desperate I was to believe that there was the same goal to make everything back to normal. I should have trusted what I had first believed when it started, huh?

Its jut a bit disturbing to realize, while I had kept mum about it, the other part of the story was already circulated. I'd understand why, if only the truth had been told. I mean, sometimes, we need to talk to someone, right? But, is it so hard to tell me the truth when I asked the simple question?

Am I not trusted when I say, I didn't talk about anything? Or is it that its a wanting to display me as the big bad wolf who's so evil, you just can't stand it? And the other part of the story as Little Red Riding Hood who just couldn't do anything about it? I find it hard to believe that though.. it can't be true, right? Thats not the reason, is it?

How 'heavy' I felt when I realized all this (no that I'm not heavy now hahaha..) and still, I don't want to believe it but everything seems to be pointing that way. No wonder everyone is like that.. no wonder everything is like this.. just when I thought no one knew :'(

Betrayal of trust? Hurt? Should I feel all that, or should I just feel plain mad at everything?

Right now, I'm still in a haze of shock and disbelief full with a million 'how could you's swimming along in my head.. I learnt something though, don't say anything you don't mean, especially to other people, coz that act could make me feel so guilty and it hurts even more when I realize its not actually true.

For now, whilst I'm still in this hazy blur.. I guess I should go on like nothing has happened.. coz I'm sure, one day, the anger would come finally.. And when it comes, I wouldn't want any part of it at all. Maybe then, it'll truly be like NOTHING at all has happened :(

Ooo Lord, if I'm supposed to be mad, please let me stay long enough in anger to be stronger in my stand. So I won't feel like a fool in trying to reconstruct a broken structure that doesn't want to be fixed. So I won't be laughed at. So there won't be any, "Bodohnye Ayu.. tu pun nak percaye!" Don't make me give in to the weak 'me' I've always been. But please, don't make me stay in anger too long to even ruin other things in my life. Help me to trust people, without trusting to much. Help me to care for people, without caring too much. Help me to see more clearly and to not repeat the same mistake again. Help me to chase away the bad feelings of being sad and help me to make the others around me as well as myself, a little more happy.. Amiiinn

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